|My life timeline|
|drugs, drugs, drugs|
|Pearl and my now sold kayak|
|My nasty apartment complex used to be|
a hospital. Kinda creepy huh?
I really would love to work, but if I do it has to be an awesome job with decent pay and benefits such as medical etc. I cannot work a 40 hr week right now so part time would be a requirement. I cannot foresee how well I will feel on any given day (although that is getting a little better) so having a set schedule wouldn't work well as I may need to call in sick or leave early or show up late from time to time. If I worked part time my medical coverage from the state will get screwed up and my rent at my crappy studio would cost much more AND I would not get SSI or EBT (or I would get much less) so I am now stuck in a no win situation. And just who would want to hire cancer girl who has so many needs? For now I am going to volunteer to learn something new and to get my feet back underneath me slowly. I HATE YOU CANCER!
|Jeff & I at White Pass on a backcountry adventure in '09|
|Jeff and I at one of my early chemo treatments|
A blogger friend recently posted about "keeping the 'thief' away" in her post about a "typical" cancer diagnosis. Her words resonated with me so much that it spurred me to post about those things that have been bothering me for so long. After diagnosis you are in virtual, perpetual hell wondering what the scans will say, if your blood labs are sill looking decent, if all those other aches and pains are cancer, or just exactly what your day will hold for you. I constantly struggle with these things as I am quite certain most other cancer patients/survivors do. "Am I eating enough veggies?" "Did I remember to take my supplements today?" "Did I remember to order the ones I am out of?" "What will my next scan say?!" "When will I ever feel somewhat 'normal' again?" "Will I ever get my brain back?" "When will I ever be able to make my own living again?" "I wonder how many of my friends I have disappointed or pissed off by my flakiness?" "When will I ever be able to fully return to life again?" "When am I going to stop hurting and losing things?" I cannot expect anyone of my friends and family to understand what I feel physically and emotionally. I know that they sympathize with me about my turmoils but they really do not understand. So many times I have kept how horrible I have felt from those I love because I don't want them to worry about me needlessly. I think cancer patients do that a lot, keep things bottled up inside. There are support groups out there, but I really don't want to sit and commiserate with others about how shitty we feel, dwelling on our diagnoses and blaming cancer for everything wrong in our lives. I am tired of cancer being the biggest thing in my life. I am ready to move on but moving on is the hardest part. How can one move on when they are so stuck in the place that cancer left them? Little by little I guess, every day bringing something different, sometimes good, sometimes bad.
|My super conspicuous port sticks out|
like a sore thumb
I need to do some more healing before I will be able to make my plans happen. That is another thing that is constantly on my mind....when, WHEN is that going to happen? How can one plan for something when everything is so uncertain and up in the air? How can you get off of government assistance when you cannot get a job? What exactly is my plan anyway?
These are the things bouncing around in my head like a pinball threatening to make my brain tilt. Every great once and a while they don't seem quite so bad, but they are constantly nagging at me every second of every day as I constantly contemplate "What am I going to do now?"
Right now I am going for a walk. Then I am going to spend some time snuggling with my kitty girl while I avoid doing some important things that I really need to do but only end up frustrating me and turning my brain into mush.
I had to get that off my chest. I can see the silver lining. Right now I am just waiting for the clouds to part and the fog to lift.
CANCER CAN SUCK IT!