tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11325349096116399662024-03-25T00:33:09.701-07:00The Cancer AssassinCancer Can Suck It!The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-57048524857847457822015-04-06T15:32:00.001-07:002015-04-06T15:32:11.416-07:00Hey look! A new blog post!Today I have a little energy. <br />
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That hasn't been the norm lately. For months now I've been feeling like a clock that has been gradually winding down, going slower and slower as the days go by. I have been exceptional at holding down my sofa though. Let me tell you it is going nowhere! My 5 year cancerversary was last month, and of the past 5 years that I have been diagnosed with cancer only one of those years has been without chemo. Let me tell you four years of chemo can really wear on a person. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I am always cold during my IV's</td></tr>
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I thought I was going crazy for about a month. I was shaky, unstable, feeling really strange and weird and just not right. I knew something was wrong but I just couldn't put my finger on it. One day I almost went to the ER but knew that they would just blame it on the chemo. So I called my nurses and picked their brains. Both my naturopath nurse and my oncology nurse felt pretty sure my I had hyperthyroidism and the symptoms seemed to fit. My blood labs came back and my oncology nurse said I was just on the low range of normal and blamed the chemo for my symptoms saying that was the only thing it could be. My naturopath nurse and doctor felt that even though I was in the "normal" range it was too low on the normal side and gave me a script to help. Within two days I felt back to my version of normal again and a week later I crashed for a week sleeping 13+ hours a day just to counter all the hypertension I was feeling the month before. It has been a strange year so far...<br />
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Lately I have been so tired, unmotivated, completely fatigued, and utterly lethargic not even wanting to expend the energy to cook or clean. Often I lay in a puddle on the sofa until I have to get up and drag myself into my appointments for IV's or chemotherapy or various other doctors appointments. It is so completely different than what I am used to being able to do. I remember I used to be so independent, often going hiking and camping alone, dreaming and anticipating and scheming about my next adventure. Even when I had two herniated discs in my back I still muscled through the pain and did as much as I could. Most of the time now I don't even have the energy, drive, or motivation to leave my house unless I have to. This has been messing with my mind too. It is an emotional drag to feel so crappy every day. I've been really good lately at making myself feel guilty for all of the things that I haven't done, or that I need to do, or that I want to do. Lots of guilt and a little bit of depression as a result. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The suspension bridge at Falls Creek Falls</td></tr>
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The good news is that I got a little energy to get out last week and go for a small hike with a good friend. We went to Falls Creek Falls on the Washington side of the Columbia River Gorge. It was <b>exactly</b> what I needed! It felt so good to get out and get some exercise and fresh air. We saw a hummingbird dive bombing a woodpecker and heard a lot of other pretty bird songs. The falls and suspensions bridges were amazing and we even had a little time to ourselves at the main falls before others showed up. It was calming and serene. I had to stop quite a bit on the trail on the way up to the falls but on the way back I was bouncing! The only bad part of the day is that I got sick in the car on the way home...luckily my friend had a plastic bag in her car. This prompted an unexpected detour to a Burger King garbage can then everything was fine and we were on our way home. It was a small price to pay for such a beautiful day.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The last tier (of 3) at Falls Creek Falls</td></tr>
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The bad news is that I have had so much chemotherapy in the last five years that my body is not going to be able to handle it for much longer before it starts having major difficulties and I don't want that to happen. My awesome nurses at my oncology center referred me to a doctor who finds clinical trials for your specific cancer. I have a call in to her and am anxiously awaiting her response. The difficulty is that it costs $300 which I don't have but that is a small price to pay for having someone do the legwork of finding a trial for you as well as getting you into it. She looks all over the entire country to find one that will fit for your needs, so who knows, I might have to travel. I am hoping to find one here in the PNW but at this point I will go where ever I need to go. My options are running thin at this point. My next scan is coming up near the end of the month (it actually hasn't been scheduled yet but will be soon) and once I get the results from that I will decide how much longer to get chemotherapy. My hope is that the tumor that sprang up anew in January will have either gone away completely or shrank. If it has grown at all I am going to panic a bit, or a lot.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Every other Tuesday</td></tr>
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If you have emailed me, please forgive me for not getting back to you as of yet. I hope that you understand that it has been very difficult for me to do the smallest of tasks. Two of the most asked questions I receive via email is regarding my diet and my supplements. Below I have provided a link to each one (these can also be found in my blog under past postings). I am very sorry to lump everyones questions into this one impersonal post, however I must conserve my energy as there is very little to go around lately.<br />
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<a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/04/questions-answered.html">Link to supplements</a><br />
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<a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-cancer-killing-diet-lifestyle.html">Link to diet</a><br />
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One thing I am very much looking forward to is the little vacation/road trip I have planned with my mom. We are traveling down to the desert and doing a little sight seeing and light hiking and maybe a little rock hounding. I absolutely LOVE road trips. <i><b>Although</b></i>, if I had any vacation I wanted, it would be in La Paz, Mexico. Now THAT place is nothing but peace, relaxation, and a loss of all of your worries. I have only been there once but I very much hope to go back there again one day, until then the desert is calling my name.<br />
I am also excited about gardening. Somehow even if I have no energy and the sun is shining and I am able to be out in the garden at my dads house sitting there in the dirt digging holes and planting vegetables I am happy and content.<br />
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Those are the two things I am looking forward to and the many scary things I am dreading...Fingers crossed for a positive scan and an awesome clinical trial and in the meantime I will be holding down my sofa :)<br />
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Many healthy blessings to you all!The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com505tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-69128317836037410222015-02-25T11:21:00.002-08:002015-02-25T11:21:59.067-08:00Catching up and still kicking some cancer booty.Hello!<br />
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I hope that everyone has been doing well, staying healthy and happy and having a wonderful new year! <br />
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It's about time that I gave everyone a big update on what's been going on since the holidays. I had a wonderful Christmas with my parents. I got to spend some quality time with my mom and dad although the time I spent with my dad was mostly spent on the couch in pain. Luckily by the time my mom got into town the pain was mostly gone and I got to enjoy myself more.<br />
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Which brings me to what has been happening health/cancer wise in my world. I had my CT scan on January 23rd. Had a bit of bad news. It looks like I have a new tumor growing in my liver again over on the right side this time. The other tumor that got radiated is still not growing and is looking more like it is still dying and the tumors in my lymph nodes are still just hanging out being peaceful. My oncologist said that if new tumor does not shrink or respond to the current chemo that I might have to go onto a new chemo combo called Folfox. I am really hoping not to have to be presented with this choice. Folfox is a combo of 4 chemo drugs that gets administered in two stages, one day in chemo at the clinic then they leave you hooked up through your port for 36 more hours while you take it home and sleep/function with it attached to you as well as a pump that you have to carry around. It slowly drips in over the 36 hours. Next another trip to the oncologist is required so that they can disconnect you, ultimately and effectively removing 4 days of your life in appointments or being hooked up to a chemo pump. Like I said, I am focusing on manifesting good results and a shrinking tumor so that this does not become my new reality. I will know for sure when it is time for my next scan and that is sometime near the end of March, so about a month from now...Send positive thoughts please! Oxxo!<br />
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Next on the list of health woes is that the 3 years of chemotherapy I have received has really done a huge number on my poor gallbladder. It has shrunk so much that the technicians cannot even find it in a number of scans. It has really taken a beating from the extended chemotherapy treatments (plus it may not have ever worked properly for a long time anyway leading to my cancer perhaps). As a result of all the abuse it tends to hurt profusely after my chemo and vitamin C treatments. The first time it hurt the excruciating pain lasted for about 4 days. The second time it happened the excruciating pain lasted for about 7 days, and the most recent time the pain only lasted for about 3 days. The pain is so severe it feels like I am being stabbed with a knife in my right side. I cannot breathe in very deep and as a result am always out of breath and energy. It hurts to move, to lie on my right side, to eat, to poop, to sit, to do just about anything but lay down and try to find relief with a heating pad. Once the pain gets bad enough I resort to oxycodone and morphine to find much needed relief, which only leads to more issues I will save you from.<br />
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I have been asked why I don't simply get my gallbladder removed. Unfortunately it isn't that easy or I would trust me. Turns out my cancer originated in my bile duct which is connected directly to your gallbladder so in order to remove my gallbladder they would have to cut through cancerous tissue and risk spreading the cancer all over at that point. This is simply not even an option in my book. So to find some sort of a solution I consulted my naturopath to see what he had to offer. He gave me some dandelion tincture to drink in hot water 3 times a day and also some homeopathic remedy (mandrake) to take 6 times a day and so far I have to say that I have noticed a large difference. I still ache constantly but I have not had the side stabbing excruciating pain like before. Once in a while there will be a little stab here and there but I really can't complain too much about that. I have been a little afraid to get a vitamin C IV for the past couple of weeks because those seem to cause gallbladder pain as well. Instead I have been getting some nutritive IV's to try to soothe my little GB. This Friday I am back on the vitamin C's though and I am trying not to focus on being afraid of if it is gonna make me hurt. Thinking positive thoughts!<br />
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So to make a long story shorter I have been mostly feeling fatigued, in a LOT of pain, and completely unmotivated but the good part about all of it is that even these times have been punctuated by some really awesome quality time with friends and family. I really have enjoyed my time with my mom too as I haven't really been able to spend as much time with her since last July. She has been really busy working and it isn't easy for us to make the three hour trip to visit for a weekend. We are really looking forward to trying to plan some kind of get away this spring/summer for a week or longer. I am wondering if any of my friends out there have a condo/or rental somewhere awesome where one can unwind, relax, and recharge, preferably somewhere warm :) If so please let me know and we can discuss price and details.<br />
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Much love to you all and many, many healthy blessings!<br />
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CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-9226154259931174212014-11-20T08:55:00.001-08:002014-11-20T08:55:21.637-08:00In the spirit...of giving?Yes I am! I'm excited to go to grammas for Thanksgiving and I'm excited to get to see my mom and spend a few days in Seattle hanging out with her. It's been far too long since I've seen her and she works way to hard often working weekends. I know she does it mostly to be able to help me out and I worry about her working so much. I don't want her to run herself down and get sick or something. Regardless, I am just going to be glad to spend some time with her.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">X-mas '13 with Mags Who Wags</td></tr>
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Oh man! I have been feeling so crappy lately. Super run down, weak and shaky. With the exception of the last four days, I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time in about three months. No energy to cook or clean or even get out of my apartment. Wanna hear my theory as to why? I really think it is because I am now almost 11/2 years into chemotherapy again. I remember what that was like last time I was there. I had a huge painful rash all over my face that hurt so badly I couldn't even put my face on my pillow. I weighed about 103lbs and was way to skinny. My hair was so thin you could see my scalp and I often wore a hat or a wig to keep warm and not look so crazy. I had neuropathy all over my body in many different forms and my chemobrain was fried extra crispy...couldn't even concentrate long enough to follow a 1/2 hour sit com and just forget the notion that I would ever have been able to remember anything at all.<br />
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As I sit here typing this I am now three treatments shy of being at the place I was last time. The bad news is that all of the chemotherapy has completely <i>fried </i>my poor gallbladder and it hurts a lot now. The good news is that I don't have a huge rash all over my face (my skin is actually better than it has been in many years, mostly I think because I use castor oil and olive oil with lavender e.o. as face wash every day). I still have a full head of hair and I just wear a hat to stay warm or look cute now :) I weigh 121lbs at weigh in last week during chemo. Most of my pants don't fit, so actually I am trying to re-haul my diet once again to eliminate more carbs and sugar from it. I have to fess up and admit that I have fallen off my bandwagon in regards to eating well. I have been feeling so crappy for so many months now that I have not spent the time cooking like I usually do. Not as much time preparing fresh foods meant many meals that could be heated up in the oven or on the stovetop. Usually those meals have a lot of empty carbs and those eventually make you just feel worse, not to mention make your pants not fit. My chemobrain is not as bad as it was before but it is definitely still there. Concentration is an issue for me as I am once again finding myself not being able to do one thing for too long without starting something else or forgetting what I was doing. It's hard for me to remember dates/plans. I constantly have to keep asking "when is such and such again?" or I just forget that I got an invite all together. I have two calendars that I write everything on and usually about 8-10 post-it notes in the brightest colors I could find with notes to self written in bold fat sharpie. They are stuck on my mirror in the bathroom right in the middle so I can't miss it. I have them stuck to my front door to remind me to do something before I walk out. I have them in my car to remind me what errands I have to run after I get my IV or chemo. Ahh...post-its! What would I do without you?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">X-mas '14 downtown Portland with my mama</td></tr>
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Even though I feel crappy more often than not and my energy is very low and I have some chemobrain going on I am so thankful I am not in the place I was last time at this point in my treatment. Now you wanna hear my theory on why I think the side effects from the chemo aren't as bad this time as last time? VITAMIN C IV's!!! Seriously those things are absolute life savers. They enhance the cancer killing effects of the two chemotherapy drugs I get (it's been proven in studies even). It acts like a natural form of chemotherapy by <i style="font-weight: bold;">oxidizing</i> cancer cells (vitamin C only does this when in IV form, taken by mouth it is an <i>anti-oxidant </i>which is good for boosting the immune system). It has NO negative side effects, or at least I have never experienced any. My nurse says that it can sometimes cause bloating and gas but it has never happened to me. It makes me really thirsty though and I often drink 80-100oz of water on those days. It does wonders for the skin, hair, and nails. And considering that at the beginning of the year I had more cancer in my body than I do now, I think that on top of all of the positives of the C I can safely say that it truly seems to be helping to assassinate those tumors.<br />
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But...I have a problem. I only have enough credit in my account at The Center for Traditional Medicine where I get my vitamin C IV's to get three more IV's. I have been trying to spread them out as thinly as possible but as often as I can so that I can still get some benefits from them but making them last a bit longer as well. I am supposed to get three a week, but honestly that is just too hard for me. I am ok with two a week but on chemo weeks I think I could only handle one. I am not trying to be to optimistic but I would really like to get one a week. I know that is not optimal according to my doc but he does agree that some is better than none ( he wants me to get three). The IV's cost $145 each, see my conundrum. I can't even afford enough groceries to last me for a month with my income. My mom helps me out, my dad helps me out, and friends help out, but they can only do so much themselves. My plan was to take a break from chemo for a few months to give my battered body, brain, nerves and aching gallbladder that has been fried from chemo a much needed breather. Maybe I will heal a bit, get back on track, get some of my energy and mojo back. Maybe I will even have enough energy to go for a small hike, who knows! I was hoping that during the time I am not getting chemo I can replenish my body with all kinds of good stuff. I am hoping to be able to continue my vitamin C IV's at once a week but I can't do that without a little help...ok a lot of help but if a lot of people help then it just makes it a little cause a little goes a long long ways.<br />
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So here(are) is my plea(s):<br />
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Please, PLEASE enjoy your holidays! Spend time with as many friends and family as possible and no matter your differences remember how thankful you are to have them all in your lives.<br />
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Be safe out there and stay warm and be kind.<br />
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If I am not back on here before Christmas please have a wonderful, joyful time filled with love and memories. I have a lot of projects to get done before then because I am crafting all of my gifts. Have to get crafty and creative when there is a money shortage :) but it makes for very unique gifts.<br />
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AND if you can spare $1 or $5 or any gift cards for grocery stores (Fred Meyer, Trader Joes, Whole Foods, Safeway) or gas gift cards I would really appreciate <i>any</i> help at all. I'm serious, don't feel bad about giving $1 because every bit goes a long long way and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Here is the link with contact info for my naturopath where I receive my C IV's. They are happy to accept a check or take a debit/credit card over the phone. And...THANK YOU!!!!<br />
<a href="http://myctm.org/new/">The Center for Traditional Medicine </a><br />
If you would rather donate via paypal you can do so at <b>thegrassygreen(at)gmail</b> or contact me and I can get you any information you desire (addresses etc)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEgXJmLu30w_NxNXwHm30v-LH8XH1RYKMTtjAnlYxA6cWLv3mS-H-l2RRkKIjvuozlsWXRAjg5ra_pSl61KSucz9atakY6j_JJho_tleFn06lAKYw4gDpvir2G9J7B4lvuczI43i2rMSQ/s1600/IMG_3038.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEgXJmLu30w_NxNXwHm30v-LH8XH1RYKMTtjAnlYxA6cWLv3mS-H-l2RRkKIjvuozlsWXRAjg5ra_pSl61KSucz9atakY6j_JJho_tleFn06lAKYw4gDpvir2G9J7B4lvuczI43i2rMSQ/s1600/IMG_3038.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The last tree my little kitty girl helped me decorate.</td></tr>
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<b style="background-color: lime;">Cholangiocarcinoma, diet, and supplement information for those out there who have questions.</b></div>
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I want to include a couple of links for those out there who have been asking questions about diet, supplements and just in general what to do if you or your loved one has cholangiocarcinoma. The links are to my diet and my supplement list but please take this with you as you read them. Everyone is different and what may work very well for one person may not work at all or not as well for another. I cannot diagnose or prescribe a treatment plan for anyone as I am not a doctor. All I can do is share the things that worked for me. I think that with food it is pretty safe to say to avoid sugars and all processed foods while making the bulk of your meals vegetables and maybe some meats if you can handle meat. Now again, if you need to gain weight veggies alone aren't going to work and you might need those carbs. Do you see how me offering advice becomes a slippery slope. So with that in mind please accept my account of the things I did that have helped <i>me. </i>I wish I had the energy and time to talk to every single one of you personally but a lot of the time I barely have enough energy for me right now. <i> </i>Please be healthy out there and never ever give up hope. Doctors can not tell us how much time we have left on this earth. My motto is to live every day as if it was my last and to try to be as good to my body as I possibly can be given my energy and finances. I always try to find the good in everything rather than the bad and I find that it really helps me feel better not just emotionally but physically as well. Surrounding yourself or your loved ones who are sick with nothing but love and light and peace instead of worry might go a long way to boost their spirits and give them the motivation they need to fight the cancer.<br />
If you want to speak to my naturopath to get more detailed information and scientific explanations as to your specific case you can reach him at <a href="http://myctm.org/new/">The Center for Traditional Medicine</a> in Lake Oswego, OR. His name is Dr. Noel Peterson. He has even helped out of state people before by record faxing and phone conversations. I know he is a very busy doctor though so try to be patient if he can't get to you right away. He is a wealth of detailed scientific information.<br />
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Here is the link to my diet information for those interested:<br />
<a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-cancer-killing-diet-lifestyle.html">My Cancer Killing Diet and Lifestyle</a><br />
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And here is the link to my supplement information:<br />
<a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/04/questions-answered.html">Questions Answered</a><br />
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Another link on supplements:<br />
<a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/11/supplementswhy-they-are-good-for-me-and.html">Supplements...why they are good for me and maybe you too.</a><br />
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I do take a few more supplements than that now but those are specifically for certain conditions I have as a result of all of the chemotherapy. I am not sure that those should be recommended unless by a doctor.<br />
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Once again I want to let you all know that YOU have been the best support system that I could have ever dreamed of! It has been because of every single beautiful one of you and your shining spirit that I have been able to kick this much cancer booty! I look at every day as a blessing and find something beautiful in every one of them, even the bad ones. There is so much beauty out there and it doesn't take a lot of looking to find it. Soak it in and share it with the world. A little more love can't hurt a thing.The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-44037708614911589762014-11-07T10:33:00.003-08:002014-11-07T10:33:41.865-08:00I'm still alive!Yes indeed!<br />
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I have had quite the break from blog posting. I must guiltily admit it felt kind of good to be away from most social media for the majority of the summer with some occasional posts on the book of faces to keep everyone there up to date. I also feel the need to offer an apology to those out there who have been looking to the blog for updates. I can't say that it has all been fun and games but fun and games were definitely part of the summer equation. It feels like most of my year I have been sort of in a state of hiding or being low profile. I guess that there comes a time when one feels like no one really wants to hear me complain about this or that with regards to what seems to be hurting or bothering me at the time, so I kind of clammed up and focused instead on spending a lot of time with my family throughout the entire summer when I was not in chemo, a C IV, or the hospital for one thing or another. I feel like ever since last Christmas when my kitty passed it has been one thing after another but not always in crappy ways, actually mostly in good ways. Two days after my kitty passed I got a new port because my old one was wearing out. Then I had to get another one because the last one wouldn't heal, then there was all kinds of weird pain and a hospital stay then it was radiation and more mystery pain requiring me to resort to morphine to get it down to a bearable level. <br />
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BUT...it gets much better!<br />
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In between all of this I got to spend loads of time with my mom, dad, aunts, uncles, and my gramma. At the end of May my mom, aunt, and I went on a rock/gem hunting mini road trip and got to stay in an awesome teepee in the desert in Oregon. In july mom and I went on another road trip to hunt rocks and gemstones. We hit 9 states, hot springs, campgrounds galore, a bunch of thunderstorms with crazy lightning and loads of rocks and fun and beautiful scenery. Most recently my dad and I went on yet another rock/gem hunting road trip and literally filled up the back of the truck with rocks, gems, and geodes that we had found at our various destinations. It has been so awesome to get to spend so much time with my family. I love hearing all those stories that I have never heard before. <br />
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I can't wait till the holidays are here. I'm a sap for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the commercials, the shows, the music, the sparkles and all that stuff. For some reason it just makes me happy. I'm hoping that with December <br />
24th being the anniversary of my kitty girls passing my Christmas wont be sad. I'm planning to pay tribute to her this year somehow and celebrate how much joy and love she brought to my life instead of feeling sad although I know that there will be some sadness as well.<br />
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How am I feeling lately? I can't say that I feel good, but I can't say that I feel bad either. For some reason I just can't sleep. Get horrible night sweats that wake me up to soaked blankets. I usually get up and stand in front of the heater while drying off with a towel because by that time I am freezing from being soaking wet. I've been sleeping on the sofa for about the past two and a half weeks. I think I have by now associated my bed with negative emotions about sleeping. Every time I try to sleep in bed it just doesn't work lately. So it's always a mystery. Will it be the sofa or the bed tonight? I guess I will decide that later when it's bedtime.<br />
Chemo has been going well and as far as I know there is no end in sight anytime soon. I will most likely take a break for a while at the beginning of the year or so. Its been going on a year and a half since I started chemo last and I don't want to destroy my kidneys or gallbladder (or whatever else I don't even know yet) any more than I have to. At every two weeks that is about 40 treatments of chemo I have had since July '13! Yeah, might be break time soon.<br />
<br />Vitamin C IV's are also going very well. I have been getting only one C IV a week lately for two big reasons. Reason 1 is that I am running out of funding for them. I have enough left to get 7 IV's and that means 7 weeks which brings me to about the end of the year. Reason 2 is that I feel like I have been so poked, glued, stitched and prodded this year that I can mentally or physically hardly handle getting stabbed by more needles and being in appointments for so long. I feel good about once a week and until things change or more tumors show up or money runs out I think that is going to be my plan of attack for now.<br />
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I had a HIDA scan recently. They had to do the scan twice because they couldn't find my gallbladder. It determined that my gallbladder is definitely not normal. My oncologist says that it is most likely from all of the chemotherapy I have had. He said that if he referred me to a surgeon that they would definitely want to remove it. BUT we are not sure that it is the cause of my mystery pain so he and I are both of the opinion that surgery isn't the most appealing option at this time. The number of good days I have compared to bad days is still great enough to not even consider it right now.<br />
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Food has been my biggest nemesis lately. I just don't want to eat anything. Nothing at all sounds good to me. I go to the store for groceries and just end up disappointed because I walk around looking for inspiration or motivation but leave bummed and with the same old stuff I always get which isn't very appealing when nothing sounds good. If I could eat anything I wanted at all, I'm talking like a giant buffet with anything at all right in front of you and I could have anything I wanted I would still most likely say that nothing sounds good. Part of it is from fear. Weird huh? I get hungry and want food then I realize that the things I have in my house are all blah and not entirely the most healthy thing I could eat so I don't want to eat anything at all. I often don't feel good enough to spend much time cooking (which sucks because I used to love to cook) so I try to get food that is easy to prepare but what I have been struggling with lately is easy to prepare vs. appealing and appetizing. I have been considering spending my grocery money on one of those meal delivery services for two meals a week just for something new and inspiration to maybe want to cook again. Steamed veggies are kind of getting a bit old.<br />
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I don't know about where you live but here in Portland it went from summer to fall in a matter of 24 hours. One day it was sunny and 70 degrees and the next day it was daylight savings losing an hour to 60 degrees rainy and dark by 5pm. Dark by 5pm is a real issue for me. It is gonna take me another week or two just to get used to this whole thing. I usually get up and go down with the sun as far as sleeping but when it gets dark so early I struggle with my daily rhythm for a while. I will get used to it by Thanksgiving hopefully. Once I get used to it I actually get pretty productive. Winter time is my project time when I like to get crafty and create things. I'm hoping to start making some jewelry from the stones I have picked up along my summer travels. <br />
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My goals this year are to get some homemade Christmas presents done by the holiday and to rekindle that fire I used to have for cooking yummy food at home. I want to make it so that food to me doesn't end up going the way that my bed has gone with negative emotions associated with it.<br />
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I will also try to post more on my blog even if it is just a paragraph or two. I often feel like I need to spend lots of time and effort but fail to realize that I don't necessarily need to write a novel, just keep people informed about things, right? :) Hopefully I will find my energy and get some of my lost mojo back. In the meantime you all take precious care and stay healthy and keep smiling. I will do the same and keep on kicking some cancer booty!<br />
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Much love to you all!The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-19887594223752040732014-07-02T14:04:00.002-07:002014-07-02T14:04:44.443-07:00It's been a while...I feel like nothing is going on and everything is going on at the same time. Things have been mostly more of the same, going to IV's on a regular basis and spending a lot of time in doctors offices and clinics. When I haven't been there I have been spending a lot of time with my family. I have been so busy for months but it has been a good kind of busy and the past three months have just flown by. I have been hanging out at dads quite a bit and I even caught my very first salmon! Another check for the bucket list :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cooking breaky</td></tr>
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I went on a road trip with my mom and aunt at the end of May. Our whole trip was rock hounding in southeastern Oregon. We found lots of agate and sunstones and some apache tears, the weather was nice and I always love camping. I always sleep better in a tent in my sleeping bag than I do at home in bed or in a strange hotel with crunchy bed sheets and never enough soft covers. A nice soft sleeping pad and puffy sleeping bag is always the preference in my book and feels like heaven. One night we even got to sleep in a teepee! It was awesome and now I totally want a teepee. I felt like I was back in time sleeping next to the crackling fire in the teepee. Does it really get much better than that?! Way better than a hotel.<br />
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After my little trip it was back to the grind of chemo and C IV's. I also had a CT scan in June. I was really hoping that the results would say "What cancer?" and my plan was to hopefully take a break from chemo for a few months. Lately, I have really been feeling the effects of the chemotherapy and scheming up a plan to take a break. Every time I get it lately it feels a little worse each time, like it's starting to eat away my brain again, making me very tired and low energy for about a week afterward. My blood counts are looking pretty good though (as good as they are going to on chemotherapy anyway) so I really am not complaining too much because things can always be worse.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Firemaker!</td></tr>
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Soooo.....back to the scan. The scan showed that there is a tumor that started growing again and it has actually grown 30% in the last two months, so it is something to be concerned about. My oncologist contacted my radiologist and together we determined that the best course of action is going to be to get internal radiation again (Y-90 or yttrium 90 radioembolization). Remember the last time I got radiation? It was last year on Valentines day and it unexpectedly wiped me out for months. This time I am manifesting an easy recovery. I know what to expect and I am pretty sure that I have my meds sorted out this time. They are also going to only radiate one tumor on the right side of my liver. Last time they radiated numerous tumors in the smaller left side of my liver which was right against my stomach and I feel that is what caused a lot of the pain and delayed my recovery. The right side of my liver is the more "healthy" side and it has actually grown about 30% to compensate for the carnage on the left side of my liver. I am thinking that because of these things this radiation surgery shouldn't be nearly as bad as the last one, right? Yes, right :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my mama in a beautiful canyon</td></tr>
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This procedure is going to happen at the end of this month. My mom and I are going on another road trip tomorrow to do some more rock hounding and some touristy sight seeing for a couple of weeks (more camping and late night stars!) and once I return I will be getting an angiogram surgery to map out my veins and blood vessels, and to measure how much of the Y-90 they will need to blast my tumor into the next dimension. After they determine those measurements and routes through the superhighway of veins and blood vessels to the tumor I will have approximately 7 days before the radiation surgery happens. By my calculations after I return from this road trip I am going to be busy for a while...However, I am going to heal fast, fast, fast! Once I am all healed up from my radiation my father and I are planning another rock hounding adventure in Colorado and Utah. I figured I might as well have something to look forward to in order to heal faster from my surgery and radiation. The promise of hunting rocks and sleeping under the stars should do the trick :)<br />
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I'm hoping all of you out there are having a wonderful summer and are all happy, healthy, and full of life!<br />
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Cancer Can Suck It!!!<br />
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<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-20250575473460402682014-03-25T15:07:00.000-07:002014-03-25T15:07:38.682-07:00It's in the air!I saw someone wearing shorts and a t-shirt yesterday on my way home from my C IV. It was a nice sunny warm day but I was still cold. I've been cold a lot lately, probably because I am only 107 pounds and have pretty much no insulation on my body. I am trying to gain some weight back though. Believe it or not it is not as easy as you may think.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkPHJxNqn2eA2U64dFdciWMwxqUZCCGUaYRORDb8keadud0hD-u9aHuJpDsfK0on8NdrlSGJxZemKKYxn9eiyA-sQwHZhKWmbXtzzUwqn1AY98fQ79-fYImp9nK2xiQQUAsy9zMDHbmxI/s1600/IMG_4111.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkPHJxNqn2eA2U64dFdciWMwxqUZCCGUaYRORDb8keadud0hD-u9aHuJpDsfK0on8NdrlSGJxZemKKYxn9eiyA-sQwHZhKWmbXtzzUwqn1AY98fQ79-fYImp9nK2xiQQUAsy9zMDHbmxI/s1600/IMG_4111.PNG" height="320" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Pa hanging out on the river</td></tr>
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Once again it has been a strange year off to a strange start. About a month or so ago I started having that pain in the middle of my abdomen again, right where my ribs come together at the bottom of my ribcage. It feels like someone driving a knife into my stomach. It hurts a LOT. I took a couple of oxycodone and it didn't even tough the pain. So I took some morphine and same deal, no relief. Then I decided to go to the emergency room, knowing that they would not be able to do anything except give me more painkillers and at least they could monitor me in the meantime. So off I went, drove myself to the ER and drove myself back home again about 4 hours later. Luckily it was only about 6 blocks away. Then I had a bunch of family come to stay with me because I couldn't drive anywhere due to all the morphine I was on. Gramma came for a week, then dad came and ended up coming back again for a total of about 3 weeks. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">New port and old ones...</td></tr>
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My new superport didn't heal very well due to all the scar tissue from the previous site. So I had to go and get yet <i>another</i> port placed around valentines day. This one is on the other side in fresh virgin flesh so it should be alright and is already looking better than the previous two ever did. Finally!<br />
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I ended up being admitted to the hospital for the pain. I was there for two nights and three days all the while running tests and MRI's of my head to see if there was a tumor there that might be causing my trouble. Those all checked out just fine. I did a barium swallow and it was fine until it got to my large intestine. Then they discovered a giant roadblock. I was <i style="font-weight: bold;">severely constipated. </i>The barium I had swallowed stayed in my system for three days because it had no where to go! Then they released me. I was so upset. How was I supposed to take care of this all by myself and didn't they care that I was full of shit, literally! If you're one of those TMI people you may not want to read this part. I got home and did a warm water enema which helped a little. I gave myself a break for a day and powered down two dulcolax tablets and low and behold things moved, a LOT! I can honestly say it was one of the biggest reliefs ever. My pain was so bad for so long I quite honestly thought I was going to die. The head pharmacist at the hospital gave me a very helpful piece of information and I stick to it religiously now because I never EVER want that to happen again....anytime I take anything that could cause constipation I take a Senna S to go with it. This so far has helped me immensely! I also found out that I cannot live on soft foods alone, like soup, smoothies and juice. My body really needs to have something solid to work on otherwise it forgets how to digest.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wow!!!</td></tr>
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I am now taking motility drugs to help with my body's digestive process and something called gabapentin for nerve pain. The little sac that holds all my liver and bile duct etc has nerve endings in it and due to the swelling from chemo and cancer etc it is what really starts hurting. Ever since I have been on the nerve pain pills (which don't leave me feeling woozy) my pain has been pretty much in the manageable category and that is a very good thing. For now I am still taking motility drugs and I am hoping that eventually my body will remember how to digest again and I may get to stop taking them.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Digging for agates.</td></tr>
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It has been a busy, busy past couple of months in LauraLand. I am hoping things will settle down now and I can start planning some summer fun for my family and I. I got to get out and go agate hunting with my dad and brother and sister this past weekend and it was so nice to get out into the woods for a bit. However I was so tired hiking out that my dad had to carry my loot of agates. But we found quite a few and even some as big as my fist! One that looked like a crazy horn even.<br />
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Ever since I got out of the hospital every day is a little better than the last and my energy is starting to come back slowly. Sleep is still one of my favorite past times and I keep hearing that is ok because this is when your body is healing itself and I can use all of the healing I can get. Since I was in the hospital and laid up for a while I wasn't able to get an IV for a week or two and I can really feel the difference in energy levels. I just got one yesterday and am already starting to feel my cells jumping for joy!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Colored pencil shavings. Cool huh?!</td></tr>
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I've been doing a lot of craft stuff at home. On of my new favorite things to do is to paint rocks...stupid sounding I know but it is calming and relaxing and it is fun to see what you can create. Most of them get given away but that is most of the fun! I am still making mobiles and working on a way to drill holes in the polished agates I have found so that I can make jewelry out of them soon. I also have plans to make wall hanging jewelry holders in addition to mobiles so if anyone needs gifts for mothers day or whatever please think of me and a home made item instead of a gift card or a big box gift. :)<br />
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I still miss my kitty like crazy and even find myself crying at the drop of a hat when I see something that reminds me of her or if I think about how her presence is missing in my home. I am happy though that she is in no more pain and discomfort and I just know that she is here with me all the time but it sure would be nice to pet her and snuggle up on the couch for a nap together. I miss her smell and her soft fuzzy fur. I even miss the icky stuff like cleaning up after her accidents and having to be home at certain times just to give her medications. I can't wait to see her again but I am in no hurry to get there just yet either. :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My kitty soulmate, rest in piece little girl. I love you!</td></tr>
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I am also (always) accepting donations to help pay for my vitamin C IV's so if any of you are able to help out at all I would be forever grateful. Even $1 helps. There are multiple ways to donate to my cause and gift cards for gas or Fred Meyer for groceries or trader Joe's or Whole Foods even are lifesavers for me as my food stamp money does not last me for the entire month. You can also donate directly to my doctors office at The Center for Traditional Medicine in Lake Oswego by calling them and telling them that you would like to put money into my account. The phone number is 503-636-2734. Again, <i style="font-weight: bold;">ANY AMOUNT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED AND VERY MUCH NEEDED!</i> I am still kicking some cancer ass and I most certainly know that I wouldn't even be here today if it was not for you all and your support in every way. Thank you all so much and I hope you know that my love for you all is endless as well as my gratitude. <br />
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Remember, we never, ever have a tomorrow. All we have is this moment today right now. And no matter how bad life is it can always and I mean <i>always</i> be worse. :) <br />
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Cancer Can Suck It!The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-52056555319889262852014-01-02T13:47:00.001-08:002014-01-02T13:47:35.492-08:00Goodbye 2013, don't let the door hit you on the way outThis last year has been hard. I am so glad it is finally over.<br />
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I should have taken the very beginning of the year as an omen. It started off with my docs freaking out because my scan showed that my cancer was growing back again. This is when I decided to give the Y-90 radioembolization a try. After an angiogram (they went through my artery in my groin to get images of all of the blood vessels/veins etc in my liver) where they placed 5 or 7 platinum coils (chemo brain cant remember this stuff) in my liver to block flow to the left side while they radiated the right side. This procedure took place on Valentines day. Through my research and conversations with my radiologist my understanding of how I was going to feel after radiation was not exceptionally terrible. Apparently most people who undergo this procedure usually feel like they have the flu for about a week or so, then it is back to life as "normal". Needless to say this was not the case for me. I literally felt like I had a bad sunburn <i>inside</i> my body. My body even acted like it too, with skin sloughing off my esophagus and from inside my mouth, just like a sunburn but I would have welcomed a bad sunburn in trade for what I was going through. The next two months were nothing but a blur to me. Everyone had to be at least 6 feet from me (especially my kitty girl) because I was literally radioactive. I couldn't eat or drink anything at all because my stomach felt like it was on fire. Water was just about the only thing that passed through my lips for weeks. After a while I was able to hold down some yogurt and that soon became my only meal for the next couple of weeks. The pain I felt from this procedure was very literally THE WORST pain I have ever experienced in my entire 42 years of life. The days lasted an eternity and the nights were even longer. It seemed that the pain got even worse at night and I cannot even begin to count the hours that I spent crying, groaning and suffering at night in the dark of my bedroom wondering how I could hurt so much and not be dead yet. There even came a time where for about a week I was welcoming death and felt myself giving in/giving up because it was just too painful and too much for me to handle any longer.<br />
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One day I realized that my thoughts had begun to slip into this dark realm and that I was very dangerously close to dying. I realized that my thoughts of welcoming death and giving up were steering me even further into having this become my reality and at that moment I realized that I wasn't ready to give up yet. I still have a lot left to do here in this life.<br />
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By June I was beginning to feel a bit better (remember the procedure was back on 2/14 so by now it had been 4 months of feeling horrible). My mom had been spending a lot of time in Portland taking care of me, hell, she used up every single bit of her vacation time from work taking care of me and the year wasn't even half way over yet! We were utterly and completely physically exhausted and mentally and emotionally battered and raw. We sorely needed a break. An anonymous gift sent us to Mexico for 10 days and during the time I was there I began to feel better and better as each day passed. I honestly don't know how my mother or I could have ever made it through the rest of last year without that much needed release. <br />
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Upon returning home I started hurting again although not consistently which I was thankful for. I started chemotherapy in July and also started getting high dose Vitamin C infusions. Chemo was two week on and one week off until I got to the point where my blood cells/marrow and kidneys couldn't handle it and now I get chemo every other week unless my counts are low then we postpone it again for another week. I also get <a href="http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/cam/highdosevitaminc/patient/page2">Vitamin C IVs</a> three times a week. So this means that I am usually sitting in an IV of some kind or another for, on average, 4-6 hours three or four times every single week. When I get out I am usually very tired and unless I have an errand to run or have to pick up groceries I usually just go home and assume the position on the sofa effectively ignoring the laundry, vacuuming, cooking, or any other household chore I really need to do. My kitty girl would always come and snuggle up to me and make me feel better with her soft, lovey, cuddly, little kitty self. She always knew when I felt bad and would always come to comfort me without fail.<br />
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This schedule continued for about 4 months and the area around my port became extremely sore from being accessed repeatedly. I thought about just leaving it accessed overnight on several occasions and even the nurses and docs asked why I didn't just do that. The problem is that I sleep on my right side, well not so much my side as on my chest, even now when there is a sore port there I still cant seem to stay on my left side or on my back all night. I thrash in my sleep and just knew that if I had been accessed, I would most likely rip it out in the middle of the night. Gives me the queasies just thinking about it. ICK. <br />
The schedule was interrupted when mom ended up coming down with pneumonia. I hauled booty up to Seattle to take care of her. She had already taken herself to the ER (luckily she lives across the street from it) earlier in the week and had been released. The night I arrived we ended up back in the ER and this time they kept her overnight. This is when we found out that she had developed bacterial pneumonia. She was wiped out, I don't remember ever seeing her so sick in all my life. I rescheduled my chemo and IVs and stayed in Seattle for a couple weeks to take care of her. She still didn't feel wonderful when I left but she insisted on going to work for at least a few hours every day. She had cabin fever by then and she is not one who just likes sitting around. Not even a full month later I was back in Seattle once again to take care of my mom after a surgery. It took a couple weeks for her to get her strength back and I didn't mind because by this time my port was growing very weary of being stabbed repeatedly, not to mention that my mom needed my help and was most definitely my top priority.<br />
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I arrived back home on the 2nd of December. I had a lot to do before Christmas. Since I don't have much money I made most all of my gifts and as a result spent days on end scrapbooking. I had my regular appointments to go to for my IVs and filled my days before Christmas being busy every minute. I noticed that in just the short weeks I had been home from Seattle my kitty girl had started a very visible decline in weight. I could tell that she wasn't feeling good because I could always see it in her face and her eyes. I hadn't heard her purr in a very long time and she never made biscuits anymore. She became less interested in things (even looking out the window) and eventually got to the point that it seemed like she really didn't even want to be touched much. I think she just was very uncomfortable. I could hear her little tummy rumbling and gurgling around at any given time of the day.<br />
Mom came down to Portland for Christmas and as we just got the car packed to go to Gramma's house that little kitty went over to the door and laid down right in front of the door so we couldn't even open it. For her to do this was entirely out of character for her and both mom and I knew she was trying to tell us that she didn't want us to go. A few weeks earlier as PotPie and I were sitting on the couch watching tv she got right up in my face, literally only a couple inches from my nose and just stared directly into my eyes forever, at least 15-20 minutes. She told me then that something would happen around Christmas, she literally communicated it to me. She was telling me in advance that something was going to happen. <br />
Mom and I knew something was not good. PotPie had lost so much weight since Dec 2 (it had only been 20 days and she was literally wasting away in front of me) that her head was larger than her body. When you petted her all you could feel were pointy bones. She could still walk and jump but she just had no interest in anything anymore. Life and living was just becoming too hard for her to handle anymore. Ultimately after some unpleasant vomit sessions and her looking like she just felt so bad I called the vet who instantly told me to take her to the emergency vet. It was at this moment somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that the time had arrived. PotPie was right, it was Christmas eve and something was happening. She had told me this was going to happen. I know my kitty girl held on longer than I think even she wanted to just so she could take care of me throughout this crap year. She knew I needed her and that I wouldn't have been able to handle losing her back in the spring or summer. She held on for me and because she knew mom was coming for Christmas. My mom and I were the only people PotPie ever loved or trusted. So when she saw us packing up the car and knew that we wouldn't be home soon she couldn't let us go without taking care of her first.<br />
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We put her in the carrier and drove to the emergency vet. During the drive there I still had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind about how this visit would end but I just so badly did not want it to be so. After an initial exam the vet confirmed my most dreaded fear. Her organs were beginning to shut down and her heart rate and breathing and body temp were declining steadily. If she was in pain she didn't let on or didn't want us to know. She just laid there with her head on the table not moving and not caring what was going on around her. I couldn't even get her to look at me, she was just too tired and weak.<br />
I held her in my lap and sang to her while mom petted her little kitty head and gave her kisses when she left this world. I still can remember every vivid detail. I know the very second she left her body and went to join the stars, I could feel it. It was very peaceful and full of dignity. I am so glad she is not secretly hiding her pain and discomfort any more. I miss her so much. I lost my best pal of 17 years on Christmas eve. I know she is still with me, every day I catch a glimpse of her and every night I can feel her walking on my bed. She is saving me a place next to her up in the stars and watching over me until I get there to be with her again.<br />
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I finished off 2013 by getting my port-a-cath replaced. The old one was really getting worn out. Most who get ports usually don't get replacements because they usually never get worn out. Either people enter remission and get their ports removed or they do not last long enough to wear one out. Even my radiological oncologist told me and my father as much. To be truthful I was not looking forward to getting another port. The first one hurt for months after they put it in. BUT I got to have one of my favorite doctors perform the surgery and already less than a week after port placement it is looking a thousand times better than the last whack job and I can even use my arm and turn my head. Last time took over 3 months to heal. This one is already healed better than the last one ever did. I am glad that I got that out of the way in 2013 and that I can start off the new year with all new parts.<br />
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I have had a lot of company to visit with ever since the 24th and that has been keeping me from being so incredibly sad. I have only been home alone twice for a few hours each time. It is beyond hard to be in my apartment without the presence of that kitty girl. I know that it will hurt less with time and I have so many good memories of her that it is hard to stay sad for too long but it doesn't make me miss her any less...SO I went to moms in Seattle for the new year. I couldn't stand the thought of being in my house completely alone on NYE and with how shitty the entire last year had been I figured I needed to start this one out on a better note than crying alone at midnight wishing I could be snuggling with my kitty girl. <br />
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I don't know what will happen this year and I definitely am not one to begin speculating about it, I have learned that speculation really isn't worth the energy. I just hope it isn't as horrible as last year was.<br />
I am glad that it is finally over. I don't know how much more I could have handled.<br />
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There have been the good times though, few and far between sometimes but still nuggets of beauty and love that are just enough to keep going even though sometimes it may feel hopeless. Those are the things I hold onto tightly and that light that flame that keeps me going and gives me energy to keep fighting the good fight. If it had not been for the support of <b style="font-style: italic;">every one of you </b>I might not even be here right now. It is because of you all giving me strength that I am still here and for everything you do I am forever and eternally grateful to each and every one of you.<br />
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Because of all the awesome things you do for me my last scan report was pretty darn good! I still apparently have one stubborn tumor that decided to start growing but everything else is shrinking and becoming less active so that is a <strike>good</strike> GREAT thing! The Vitamin C IVs are simply kicking booty!!! They also keep the nasty chemo side effects to a minimum as well and that is a huge part of the battle. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the help with those IVs. I still have to get them 3 times every week but I have been cheating trying to make the $$ stretch farther and getting them only 2 times a week. It is like miracle juice! Killing cancer and complementing the effects of my chemo making it more effective in killing cancer AND it helps with chemo side effects. The most awesome stuff ever!<br />
THANK YOU!!!!!!<br />
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I really need to order some vitamins and supplements but don't have enough money to get what I need. I have included a link to my Amazon supplement wish list in case any of you out there can lend a hand. Right now I am in dire need of Shark Liver Oil, Berberine, Riboflavin5-Phosphate, Artemesinin, and Resveratrol. <br />
If interested in donating to help provide more vitamin C IVs here is the contact info for my clinic. Any donations can be just applied to my account there.<br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=cm_wl_search_1?ie=UTF8&cid=A1OY4Z2AHJZ7NL">Amazon Supplement Wish List</a><br />
<a href="http://myctm.org/new/">The Center for Traditional Medicine</a><br />
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I am just glad that 2013 is over.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #351c75;">CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!</span><br />
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<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-50647203301429338632013-11-25T10:09:00.000-08:002013-11-25T10:09:38.883-08:00It's about timeI've been kinda quiet lately...<br />
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I honestly haven't had much to talk about. My schedule is pretty much the same every day and things really don't change much for the most part unless it is my day off. I usually go to get a vitamin C IV three days a week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, although I am taking a break as I only have enough money in my account to get 5 more IV's (who wants to give a mobile for a Christmas present?). I leave my house at about 8:15 and arrive back home around 2-3 in the afternoon. Sometimes I stop for a few groceries or to run an errand but that's only if I feel good enough. Once in a while the vitamin C IV's sneak up on me and make me feel a little like I am trying to get a cold. I think it is all the toxins being flushed out. The next day I usually feel better though. I've been pretty low energy and very fatigued. Most of the time when I get home I am so tired that I end up laying on the sofa for the rest of the day. I am not in nearly as much pain and discomfort as I was from the last time I had to have chemo back in 2010-11. I still have my hair (yay!) and I have less side effects over all. I still have them though but I am not even close to complaining about it because I know how much worse it could be. I have noticed that lately the chemo has been making me feel a bit jittery and moody. Sometimes I feel like my patience is just gone and I mumble under my breath that I hope I don't run into any of my chatty neighbors before I can get into my apartment and lock the door.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj64gVe0c17iXlwbBwsUszMOQLWGqOMjlrY-K1fVf-H_u8S-WBtqJBLvy3ORna2OWGY27mJ9emonBKWL5MWArU5RT1MVt-5r4480nOe53n1yxsHHNcnp_xqhBR1VlE8EvYtRShRdj59H_8/s1600/IMG_2164.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj64gVe0c17iXlwbBwsUszMOQLWGqOMjlrY-K1fVf-H_u8S-WBtqJBLvy3ORna2OWGY27mJ9emonBKWL5MWArU5RT1MVt-5r4480nOe53n1yxsHHNcnp_xqhBR1VlE8EvYtRShRdj59H_8/s320/IMG_2164.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my kitty girl assuming the position on the sofa</td></tr>
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Then there are the days I get chemo. My oncologist has changed my schedule so now I get chemo every other week. I always try to go on Thursdays because there are volunteers who give Reiki and massage there on that day. It makes chemo go by much faster and it is soo relaxing. I think I have read every magazine in there at least twice now. The chemo is so cold (I think they keep the fluid bags refrigerated) and I usually have my prayer quilt and one or two heated blankets on me as well as a heating pad. You've gotta get up to go pee all the time (hey 2000ml will do it) which requires unwrapping yourself from the cocoon of blankets, unplugging the gigantic double pump that you are literally attached to at your port, untangling all your IV lines so you don't trip over one and yank the port out of your chest (one of my nightmares), then you can make your way to relieve yourself. It's like beer. Once you break the seal you have to go all the time. That's a good thing though because the chemo is very hard on the kidneys so it is essential to keep them flushed out. I haven't gotten really horribly sick from chemo yet this go around and for that I am very thankful.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMSskXO4rwjZ29MTuQ8uLdkXJZfWlxxFNGiKOvxp6fZFRIA0ARfxY_Kv7aiv2xnRB0ew4jo0u5oYiqtrQE-zH00kGQ6bFVD_s3QrihRLlfoEnyI7We7ytf9qJx3is_yVL65rLrwv7wIQI/s1600/IMG_2282.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMSskXO4rwjZ29MTuQ8uLdkXJZfWlxxFNGiKOvxp6fZFRIA0ARfxY_Kv7aiv2xnRB0ew4jo0u5oYiqtrQE-zH00kGQ6bFVD_s3QrihRLlfoEnyI7We7ytf9qJx3is_yVL65rLrwv7wIQI/s320/IMG_2282.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chemo!</td></tr>
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My rent went up, my food benefits went down, and insurance informed me that they will no longer cover one of my compounded medications that I take to boost my immune system (Low Dose Naltrexone) so now insurance officially covers absolutely nothing of my traditional/natural care. I've been skipping some vitamins and some IV's because I can't afford to do them as often as my doctors and nurses would like me to. It is starkly obvious how much good these natural treatments are doing, well, at least to me and those who see me on a regular basis. Everyone always tells me how good I look and it is nice to get those compliments. Sometimes I wonder if people think that I must feel good too. I feel that someone sees me and says "you are looking really good! How are you doing?" to which my reply is "Aww, thanks! I'm doing good." in a cheerful voice because no one wants to sit and listen to my complaints. I'm sure they have their own issues as well that they are not happy about. The truth is that I very often do not feel very good but I'm not going to say that unless I realllly don't feel good, but by then it is pretty obvious. Sometimes I don't feel good emotionally, like my head might explode at any moment from sensory overload or from bad news or when I just need time alone and neighbors just want to tell me stories from childhood that I have already heard more times than I can count. About a month ago I found myself being very impatient and snapped on a few of my friends. I think that it is a result of the chemo frying some brain cells and underlying deep down stress that comes along with the whole "terminal" thing which I subconsciously think about all of the time in some small way or another.<br />
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I would love to get outside more and go hiking or just exploring around the mountains or valleys. I used to be insanely independent and would not think twice about going for a hike alone if no one else was available to go with. I always enjoyed being alone in the woods. I never once felt scared or in danger. These days I sit on my sofa and think about how I wish I could go out for a solo day. Most of my friends work during the week and have plans on the weekend so going alone is often my only option. I don't feel quite so confident about going alone ever since the beginning of this year. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHlJ84zm_bVLJ2PK5xPKwY2N0M3FRV8lqCFByL2nftylLLKds_VMTIdTU_Oznra7ymPFrvlyLKXwdJ1PlsZ9E1dHqXrY9G3LmZ1i6-EumDSLus2TTs9T5n9W9aotuhBUJNCDtcVVjCp2o/s1600/IMG_1539.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHlJ84zm_bVLJ2PK5xPKwY2N0M3FRV8lqCFByL2nftylLLKds_VMTIdTU_Oznra7ymPFrvlyLKXwdJ1PlsZ9E1dHqXrY9G3LmZ1i6-EumDSLus2TTs9T5n9W9aotuhBUJNCDtcVVjCp2o/s320/IMG_1539.PNG" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my few hikes this year</td></tr>
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I am fearful that something might happen and no one would be there to get assistance for me. It is a very defeating feeling knowing that you can't do those things that you love because of stupid cancer. I got a midweek pass for Christmas from my mom and dad last season. I went 5 whole times. Lame...I only got to go up one time in 2013 and that was a few days before I went in for radiation. I knew that would be the last exercise I would get for a while but what I didn't know was that it would be pretty much some of the only exercise I would get all year! I didn't even bother to ask for a pass this year. Another aspect of cancer. Making long term, or sometimes even short term plans is hard to do. You just don't know what's going to happen, will I even still be here (of course I will!) and how will I be feeling. Will I be able to take time off of my treatments or will I be in the place where treatments are necessary multiple times a week. If I do get to go skiing/boarding this year it will be a miracle.<br />
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I've been kinda quiet. I suppose that I just felt that I really didn't have anything great to say and since I didn't have anything wonderful to say I just didn't say anything. It's been slightly depressing laying around and hiding from people because I am just not in the mood to be sociable. It is often depressing to browse facebook lately too. So many people arguing, posting hateful things, belittling beliefs/people/situations/you name it, makes it feel less than inviting to be on. I try to scroll through the things like that to find the nuggets. Nuggets are those things that make you smile, question a belief, educate you, or just make you feel good. You know what your nuggets are and chances are high that you look for those too.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZqF2D67J0LO3rgnbmRVGSM_DzpC4rTfcOgnc0nX7rsvEh-_IR2IdkyhKcG3EkK8eTx7vc-H4Vy7qzrZk325PkLt_uQ04RCGxSwD4a1nyLwXQGkg_tCX2cOmsoY_ZNEzyiGSKtTTdluh8/s1600/IMG_2173.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZqF2D67J0LO3rgnbmRVGSM_DzpC4rTfcOgnc0nX7rsvEh-_IR2IdkyhKcG3EkK8eTx7vc-H4Vy7qzrZk325PkLt_uQ04RCGxSwD4a1nyLwXQGkg_tCX2cOmsoY_ZNEzyiGSKtTTdluh8/s320/IMG_2173.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Goofing off before my IVC</td></tr>
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I'm scheduled to go back in for a PET scan the week before Christmas. The PET is the scan that shows what is living and what is not. It is a full body scan as well so this way we can find out if there is something going on in some other place in my body (fingers crossed for a clean scan). We will have the results from that one before the 25th. I hope Santa can find me this year under all of the blankets on the sofa :)<br />
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I have been getting more emails from people out there in the world who have loved ones suffering from Cholangiocarcinoma. Some have had surgeries, some have not. Some have just recently got diagnosed and are looking for information on the internet but have been discovering that there really is not much out there for this particular type of cancer. That's sad. Some want me to give them medical advice and I have to say that I am in no way qualified to advise you in that regard. I can however share my story, my experiences and how I am doing now. For those out there trying to figure out where to go and what to do to help their loved ones let me give you some of the best advice I can.<br />
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Eat lots and lots of vegetables especially dark leafy greens. You can make soups, smoothies, juice, eat them raw, experiment with salads, and different grilling or broiling options. Veggies are so easy to incorporate into our diets and require little effort and for the most part are relatively inexpensive especially if you buy what is in season which will also give you the most nutritional value. Drastically reduce or better yet completely eliminate sugar from your diet of all kinds. Especially the processed white kind. If you must have something sweet then use honey, stevia, monk fruit, sucanat, coconut sugar or any other sugar that causes a lower spike in sugar levels. You can find more about diet in a previous post here, <a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-cancer-killing-diet-lifestyle.html">My Cancer Killing Diet and Lifestyle</a> and here at <a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/04/questions-answered.html">Questions Answered</a><br />
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Find a Natural Doctor or somewhere that practices Traditional Medicine. Somewhere where you can get either nutritional IV's to keep your nutrient levels up while you heal from cancer. Or somewhere you can get high dose vitamin C IV's (make sure they are reputable and run the necessary tests to see if you will be able to tolerate the intravenous C in high doses as some people with a certain vitamin deficiency can have very bad side effects from high IVC such as death). <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOxWW4c2VUB-zO7ms11zcDqc2ftwJpaxGotMjykinVOlB1Umg1IG666bBoo7F9lT8mfGBPg6GyWCh4xUcDroKPasv9kODdENNTRMo4VGFuF94_u5BpzIwmTIUA8KceAvUZmxjVPKwuaro/s1600/IMG_2075.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOxWW4c2VUB-zO7ms11zcDqc2ftwJpaxGotMjykinVOlB1Umg1IG666bBoo7F9lT8mfGBPg6GyWCh4xUcDroKPasv9kODdENNTRMo4VGFuF94_u5BpzIwmTIUA8KceAvUZmxjVPKwuaro/s320/IMG_2075.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some of my supplements</td></tr>
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Also have a conversation with your new ND to see if any supplements (various vitamins and minerals, mushrooms, herbs, oils, etc. will help you. Make certain that you get the advise of a professional ND and please don't try to start a supplement regimen all on your own. What may work miracles for one person can cause more problems for others or might not even work at all. Keep in mind we are all different and require individual treatment. I might share a diagnosis of Cholangiocarcinooma with someone but that by no means indicates that we share the same symptoms or the same side effects from treatments like chemo or radiation. We might even need different vitamins and supplements just as we share others in common. Once again, seek out a Natural Doctor ASAP! This doesn't mean that you need to ditch your oncologist, surgeon, or radiologist but you may want to and that is ok too. You just may find that you like the integrated approach to your <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjuj1WYeXNniN0KmSLIMq0iquADNDUjrucYQSX4VjmKdbcgouauBmVJtccx8_VXoLYqohULK_nL0eDeyOOqyuXvmvvcmwNhEeQPYxQt3Vm9-FE7ATzLWGeSbelOnE2u_YqEv2AZefvivQ/s1600/IMG_2238.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjuj1WYeXNniN0KmSLIMq0iquADNDUjrucYQSX4VjmKdbcgouauBmVJtccx8_VXoLYqohULK_nL0eDeyOOqyuXvmvvcmwNhEeQPYxQt3Vm9-FE7ATzLWGeSbelOnE2u_YqEv2AZefvivQ/s320/IMG_2238.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
healthcare or you may decide to go the entirely chemical free, radiation free route. Either choice is fine, remember these are YOUR choices. Don't let a doctor (any doctor) push you in one direction or another and if you choose not to tell your oncologist about you natural treatment that again is your choice. Some oncologists refuse to give you chemo due to vitamins, antioxidants and other supplements. That oncologist would not be my doctor for long if they told me that.<br />
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Next get rid of every single chemical in your home. It is a big job to do it all at once but if you have CC you might not have the luxury of doing it in phases. We all know that you actually are what you eat and that what you put into your body determines your health, both physically and emotionally. However, what you put onto your body or what you inhale (into) also has dramatic and often undesirable effect on you. Exposure is one of the major causes of cancer and if you continue to expose yourself to chemical filled household cleaners, laundry soap, toothpaste, hairspray, makeup, lotions, paint, furniture spray, window cleaner, cologne and perfumes of all kinds you will be damaging your body and harming your DNA cell replication process setting up the perfect conditions for creating mutant cancer cells that don't know when to stop growing.<br />
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Most importantly BE YOUR OWN HEALTH ADVOCATE! I can't stress this enough. Don't just assume that what your doctors tell you is the gospel. No matter how great or horrible what they said to you sounds go do your research. It is vital that you are informed about what you are doing for treatment. If you want to know why high dose vitamin C is so important don't just take the doctors world for it or my word for it, look it up and research it for yourself. This allows you to be educated about your own healthcare or the healthcare of your loved one this way the next time you are at the oncologists office and they tell you that what you want to do will contradict the chemo you will now be armed with information that is accurate (because you devoted time to researching it or had someone else do it for you) and will be able to have a more educated and versed conversation based in scientific fact. This is so important! Remember that you know your body better than anyone else, even those doctors and with that comes the responsibility of listening to your body to determine how you feel especially after you eat certain foods or take certain meds etc. <br />
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I can only share my experience with you. I can tell you the things that helped me and the things that are helping me right now. For me the Vitamin C IV's are magic! Insurance doesn't cover them and they are not cheap. But when it comes down to living or dying I find any way I can to get those IV's. I still get chemotherapy but the vitamin C IV's are actually complimenting the chemo by making it more effective by weakening the cancer cells through oxidation. So not only does the C make me feel good and alleviate most of the worst chemo side effects but it actually makes my chemo work better!! Now why wouldn't insurance want to cover that so you could actually get better or at least well enough to stop chemo and all of the other pharmaceuticals to manage chemo side effects. Oh wait! That's right! If they cover it then we wont need as many drugs and then someones big deep greedy pockets don't get lined.<br />
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Speaking of Vitamin C IV's I have only 5 left. I am hoping for good news on my upcoming scan. I'm just focusing on them not seeing any cancer at all, maybe you can help me manifest a clean scan if you help me focus on it :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cancer Can Suck It!</td></tr>
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If anyone would like to help with these vitamin C IV's you can. They cost $175/ea and I am supposed to get them 3x/week but I will settle for whatever I can get right now. If you would like to make a donation you can do so directly at my doctors office at The Center for Traditional Medicine in Lake Oswego, OR 503-636-2734 (closed tuesdays) and just let them know you would like to put some money in my account. Even $1 is deeply appreciated. Likewise you can also donate via PayPal at thegrassygreen@gmail.com or laura.york71@gmail.com.<br />
AND if you just want to send support or encouragement or a love letter in the mail my address is<br />
5800 NE Center Commons Way #104, Portland OR 97213<br />
I love getting snail mail (unless it is from comcast) and I would absolutely LOVE to hear from you!<br />
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Please let me know if I can create a driftwood mobile for you or for a holiday gift as the proceeds from these go toward funding my IVC treatments.<br />
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I will keep you all posted before Christmas as to what the results of the scans are. If you have a minute to send me some good JUJU and sparkly love and well wishes and prayers I will take all I can get. Heres to a good good good scan.<br />
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I hope you all have an absolutely splendid and bountiful Thanksgiving filled with love and health.<br />
I will be making the cranberry sauce this year and spending the holiday with my family at my gramma's house. I am thankful that I am able to be a part of this life and that I have been blessed with so many incredible friends and family. You are the best a girl could ever ask for! Happy Holidays!!<br />
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<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-9381203497232043882013-10-02T15:39:00.005-07:002013-10-02T15:39:53.198-07:00Bittersweet NewsIf you are reading this, I hope it finds you happy, healthy and full of life!<br />
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Is anyone else out there having the most challenging year ever? I remember reading my horoscope at the beginning of the year and they all said how awesome this year was going to be for me and how it was going to be <i>the year</i> I had been waiting forever for. Hmmm...maybe I'm missing something. Not that it is a bad year. Anytime you are alive and functioning it is a good, good day. I guess that it has just been unusually challenging for me pretty much ever since that fateful scan I got way back in January that said "knock knock, cancer's back to play". I have learned many lessons this year and am still on my learning journey. I have always thought that when the time comes that you have no lessons left to learn and no more contributions to give, you move on to whatever is next. Looks like I might be around for a while cause I still have many lessons to learn :)<br />
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So I had a CT scan last week. Got the results on Friday. It wasn't bad news but it wasn't spectacular news either. It was good and I am definitely fine with good. It appears that the margins on some of the tumors (there are too many to count once again all kind of running together here and there) are getting fuzzier and not as distinct. This is a good thing, it means that the cancer (tumors) is dying or at least not as active as it was 3 months ago. None of them had shrunk enough to really mention in the scan reports and the cluster in my nodes near my hepatic artery and the rest of the super highway of arteries that I have in there (I am one out of 10,000 born with my liver being supplied with blood by different arteries than most other people) are still there being inflamed and causing pressure and general discomfort. My oncologist said he was happy with the results of the scan as did my ND. I am happy about it too. I didn't really expect that everything would be drastically different in a mere 3 months. Also, it is important to remember that a CT scan only shows <i>masses</i> and not <i>metabolic activity</i> of the cancer. So it is a good scan to get a general idea of what is going on and to measure the growth or shrinkage of tumors, but not such a great scan to see if the tumors are actually living or not. The PET is better for that purpose I still have a lot of dead tumor material in my liver and it still shows up on the CT but not the PET. <br />
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Even though I am very happy about the news that I am no worse off than I was three months ago, that the tumors aren't any bigger, and that some of the margins are fuzzier, I still can't help but feeling a little disappointed. It's really hitting home lately (pretty much ever since I almost died from radiation) that I am now living in what the statistics say are the 2% chance to live 5 years. BUT you and I also know that I make my own statistics and I don't fit neatly into those boxes. It still weighs heavy...<br />
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All this Vitamin C is really kicking some booty though. Compared to this point in my last chemo back in 2010 there is a stark difference in my appearance and my overall health. I still have hair that isn't falling out. I don't have huge rashes on my face that burn and itch. My chemo brain is not nearly as bad as it was last time. I don't get sick/drive the porcelain bus three or four times a day, unless I miss too many vitamin C IV's then its all bets off. I will let you decide. Here are two pictures of me. One from 2010 after 3 months of chemo, and a recent one. Big difference huh?! It is because of your support and generosity that I am able to get these vitamin C IV's. Thank You!!!!!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ASf2-S_06LqfGj3bZiJRr4WIqBbU1n6rhZqTEMYU_oaBejzX0wQxoBMKlmzyuUDlU_FJflBORVzuJo3__oKufzlysvRb80dhH_Dq97wr9finqYppFNKDX69Gp8ZJbv9h-YofBWuNr90/s1600/IMG_1747.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ASf2-S_06LqfGj3bZiJRr4WIqBbU1n6rhZqTEMYU_oaBejzX0wQxoBMKlmzyuUDlU_FJflBORVzuJo3__oKufzlysvRb80dhH_Dq97wr9finqYppFNKDX69Gp8ZJbv9h-YofBWuNr90/s200/IMG_1747.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqq1my3O1CZPgktZSC5Z7w3PpvVpc3SGKyAPCGHcwfD4dQFZOgOXmzOkea_0UzpdXpVJiyE2_AxXoVApJ6riploe__pVJWLFmQzn6iGlhlGpZG8QMijQRgosNLfXiZzzZZGeTneFVJXqk/s1600/IMG_1913.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqq1my3O1CZPgktZSC5Z7w3PpvVpc3SGKyAPCGHcwfD4dQFZOgOXmzOkea_0UzpdXpVJiyE2_AxXoVApJ6riploe__pVJWLFmQzn6iGlhlGpZG8QMijQRgosNLfXiZzzZZGeTneFVJXqk/s200/IMG_1913.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2010</td></tr>
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A friend of mine nominated me to be on the <a href="http://www.ellentv.com/be-on-the-show/433/">Ellen show</a>! She is looking for an "inspiring person in need" and my friend thought of me :) Pretty awesome!! If you would like to nominate me as well please feel free to do so, of course that is if I inspire you :) Here is the link to the <b><a href="http://www.ellentv.com/be-on-the-show/433/">nominate an inspiring person in need</a></b> page. You can find my mailing address and my email address at the top right of my blog and my age is 41 (for a couple more weeks). I would love to have the opportunity to reach so many people and give them hope, especially those who are living with cholangiocarcinoma. <br />
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I spoke to my ND about my scan and how to proceed with the Vitamin C IV's and as great as those C's have been for me I am not going to be able to get many more. There is enough left in my account for about a month of IV's. I am supposed to get three every week. I have dropped it down to two a week. Doc P wasn't too happy about that. He says three a week are the protocol and that is what he suggests. I'm just not going to spend my energy worrying about that if I can help it. I am going to get them until the $ runs out then figure it out then. I know that every time I get one of those IV's it is prolonging my life. It really irritates me that insurance wont cover something so obviously good but that is another thing that I'm not going to spend any energy on thinking about.<br />
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It's weird. I have always loved food and eating good food. Lately I just cant seem to gain weight though. I waiver between 110-115lbs. It probably has something to do with the chemo/steroids and lack of appetite AND the fact that most days I'm out of the house before breakfast. On good days I can make and take lunch and breakfast with me to my IV's or chemo. If I feel crappy the night before and have no energy then I usually live off ensure and whatever snacks I can toss into my lunch bag before I have to head out of the door. Time and energy=no hunger. I am sure that most of you can relate to that one. Sometimes I sit and think about how awesome it would be to have a "normal" life. You know, the one where you go to work every day and make plans for the weekend to go do something fun like hiking or skiing or camping. One would think that I have all kinds of free time...Yeah, I wish. I would love to have the energy to go for a hike. I used to hike all the time all by myself. I never wanted to have to find someone to go with me just to be able to get outside. I can't even count the miles I have hiked solo or how many times I have camped solo or skied solo. My muscles are pretty much non existent these days. Stamina is gone (except when I get the steroids) and walking up a flight of stairs makes me want to find a chair. It is a little depressing especially since I am used to being so active. I didn't even go climbing this year. What a crime! I get told a lot that if I do more I will have more energy to do more etc. I first have to have the energy to do something before I can do more. I try though. Yoga is nice but I still tire quickly. My energy levels are just about enough to get some light housework done a few times each week then it's snuggle with the kitty time. I am beginning to feel that old familiar overwhelmed feeling creeping back again but it is more manageable this time since I am also not struggling with horrible relationship problems like last time and that is definitely something that I am thankful for. There are still some days that I feel like going postal and freaking out on someone or multiple someones. Luckily the only people who have had the unfortunate experience of seeing angry Laura are Comcast and they totally deserved it :)<br />
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Who loves the cooler weather?!<br />
I love summer, spring, winter and fall :) I get excited every time the seasons change. Fall is probably my favorite though. I love all the colors, the crisp air, and halloween. The transition of seasons, schlepping off of old things, habits, patterns, and staleness is gratifying and cleansing. It is fun to wear comfy warm clothes, read books, snuggle with the kitty, and drink tea as you listen to it rain outside. I've been rearranging the closet; summer stuff in back, and winter stuff in front. I've been stowing the sandals (sniff, sniff), bringing out the boots (yay!), and cleaning and making way for the new year, death and rebirth. <br />
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Here is link to click upon if you wish to donate to my clinic for my high dose Vitamin C IV treatment.<br />
<a href="http://myctm.org/new/contact/">The Center for Traditional Medicine</a><br />
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You may also contact them at 503-636-2734 to donate directly into my account there via credit/debit.<br />
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Here is my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/3A2XN4O4FP6U1/ref=cm_wl_search_1">Amazon Wish List </a> where I have listed my supplements and vitamins.<br />
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I hope that you all know I am forever grateful, humbled, inspired, and able to live longer due to your generosity and unwaviering support. I think about how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends and family every single day. YOU are the reason I am still here posting on this blog, and of course a good attitude never hurts either.<br />
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Chemo day is tomorrow and my lunch is already packed :)<br />
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Many healthy blessings to you all!<br />
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CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!! <br />
The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-47041177604979845352013-09-11T11:12:00.000-07:002013-09-11T16:22:56.201-07:00Catching upHello!<br />
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The past month has been an interesting one. I got to spend some time with family and friends then there was the weekly grind of the combination of Vitamin C IV's and chemo 4 times a week for an average of 4 hours each. I'm getting more used to it now though. I'm just hoping that the skin over the place on my port that gets stabbed will hold up long enough to make it through all of this without tearing or deteriorating and thus needing some kind of surgery to graft skin or something....not thinking about it...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq9IiH5Rs_wzY_QN7oKXyYPn92NsPn8ZZlVbjXEacmq45xB5gtYS7lgU4OtX2QwGdkOg_fjLsLcP8wEcU8ZgWz01rw9UrUpK930TO36Ay7CrLYzhDWzdNI8YHcv_Fg2O78KYG5OtpOQFc/s1600/IMG_1891.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq9IiH5Rs_wzY_QN7oKXyYPn92NsPn8ZZlVbjXEacmq45xB5gtYS7lgU4OtX2QwGdkOg_fjLsLcP8wEcU8ZgWz01rw9UrUpK930TO36Ay7CrLYzhDWzdNI8YHcv_Fg2O78KYG5OtpOQFc/s320/IMG_1891.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vitamin C love!</td></tr>
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Regardless of all the stabbing the Vitamin C is incredibly worth it!! I ended up having to miss both my C IV's and my chemo last week due to a family health emergency. My mom was sick with a sinus infection the prior week and ended up getting some antibiotics which didn't help and the sinus infection ended up turning into pneumonia. She finally felt so bad that she asked if I could come up to Seattle and help take care of her. We ended up at the ER at Swedish to which she was admitted overnight and at the doctors office twice. It was the sickest I have ever seen her and she had me really worried. After all she has done for me it was my turn to get to do something for her. She has been running and working herself ragged (especially since the beginning of the year) to take care of me and it finally is catching up and taking a toll on her health. She gives so much and it made me feel so good to be able to do something to help her even if it was just for a week. Thankfully she is doing much better now and as of yesterday even went back to work (half days right now) because it is hard work recovering from pneumonia...luckily I have never had to find out.<br />
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Anyway about the Vitamin C being worth it (got sidetracked). Since I missed last week's IV's I started noticing that the side effects of the chemo started getting a bit worse; more nausea, some neuropathy, more ringing in ears, blurrier vision, less appetite, etc. Interesting isn't it? I can tell the difference for sure, the C is amazing stuff! It's just a crying shame that insurance wont cover something so incredibly beneficial, but I'm not about to get started on that stuff.<br />
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OH! finally got the results of that Spectracell blood analysis back. It shocked both my nauturopath and me to see that I am only slightly deficient in 3 things....B2, oleic acid, and D3 my immune response is above average and my ability to detox is in the normal range. Even though I have cancer and even though I am getting chemotherapy my results were still this good! I just knew that vitamin C IV's were the way to go! This test was representative of the past 6 months not just snapshot in time. Pretty cool test and even more impressive results. They are all easy fixes too, gonna take a B2 supplement (folic acid) and drink a shot of olive oil every day (7800mg of oleic acid!), and increase my D3 &K2 spray to twice daily and Shazam! Not too bad huh?!<br />
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My CT scan is scheduled for Sept 25th with results on the 27th. My oncologist still thinks that I am doing very well and for him to say that is pretty awesome in my book. In about two weeks we will see just how much of a kick ass job this Vitamin C is doing and I can't wait to find out. This is my plan to proceed: If the scan looks good but there is still room for improvement I am going to try to get the C's for at least 2-3 more months depending on what my ND says. If it looks the same (or worse) then I will figure it out then and try to go see a healing guru in another country :) yep.<br />
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The garden at dads is growing so fast and so abundantly that I have been too busy to get up there enough to harvest much of it. I really wanted to get much more from the garden this summer but I also did not anticipate being in treatment 4 times a week either. At least dad has a big freezer to store some veggies in for the winter.<br />
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Looks like another busy couple of weeks lined up but that is what keeps life interesting. I am starting to get over the shaky stuff a bit more and with all of this extended summer weather (90's in Portland this next week!) I am going to try to make some time to get out for some late summer hiking up in the mountains. That is one thing I didn't get enough of this year. I can't believe I have only been camping one time! Dang! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqBS15QHodktxJWwICndIQO49p3EvILqU4yIRLaal3YWLSXrdT9f5YAgbU4vr2WLHRScVvwgJW7bMeXBcPVKc8AOzJJrYBAG7UQgiE4OodoFdWK_giPG6S4khkCNGeGCb_4k17tqApfs0/s1600/IMG_1968.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqBS15QHodktxJWwICndIQO49p3EvILqU4yIRLaal3YWLSXrdT9f5YAgbU4vr2WLHRScVvwgJW7bMeXBcPVKc8AOzJJrYBAG7UQgiE4OodoFdWK_giPG6S4khkCNGeGCb_4k17tqApfs0/s320/IMG_1968.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your generosity is FAR OUT!</td></tr>
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I wanted to give a shout out to everyone out there who has been donating to my therapy and well being. I literally could not be doing this well without your help. You all have no idea just how much this helps and means to my health and I am in great gratitude every minute of every day and <i>every time</i> someone tells me that I am looking great I think of all of you and how it is because of your generosity (and some positive mental attitude) that they are saying these words to me. Please don't ever think for one minute that I take any of it for granted and I am forever thankful.<br />
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<b><i>Thank you!</i></b><br />
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If you would like to contribute, you may donate directly into my account at my clinic by contacting them at:<br />
The Center for Traditional Medicine <br />
503.636.2734<br />
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Or by PayPal at:<br />
laura.york71@gmail.com<br />
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Or visit my <a href="http://amzn.com/w/3A2XN4O4FP6U1">Amazon wish list</a> which includes supplements and vitamins etc. at:<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; border-collapse: collapse; color: #333333; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px;"><a href="http://amzn.com/w/3A2XN4O4FP6U1">http://amzn.com/w/3A2XN4O4FP6U1</a></span><br />
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<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-13112357785568034362013-08-05T23:49:00.001-07:002013-08-05T23:49:35.075-07:00Tremors, Gardens, Camping & Vitamin CThings have been going pretty darn good lately thanks to all of you!!!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLppDbbSkE_5eET8ON-Qrp_8RwSakCzSFTv8Bs2voJloI9udG-h1wFF6_M2t9L8LwuoMvopSxbvEag_C3b11iZ0CLdDlbn-U91qiMY-vnQXxNsO0NlzlNHcS3IFZuFrczvxq8TxwDV3GM/s1600/IMG_1819.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLppDbbSkE_5eET8ON-Qrp_8RwSakCzSFTv8Bs2voJloI9udG-h1wFF6_M2t9L8LwuoMvopSxbvEag_C3b11iZ0CLdDlbn-U91qiMY-vnQXxNsO0NlzlNHcS3IFZuFrczvxq8TxwDV3GM/s320/IMG_1819.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">High C IV</td></tr>
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The high dose vitamin C has been so extremely helpful! I have not had quite as severe side effects as I had during my last chemo back in 2010-11. I have been no where near as forgetful (I still have my moments), have only gotten sick one time and have had much less nausea, have only had about four or five really bad days, my hair has been growing about an inch every month, and my skin is very healthy looking. The friends and family who have seen me at this point in chemo back in 2010 and who have seen me recently can definitely tell a <b>major</b> difference. Let's just say that I have no complaints at all, even though there are a few issues going on...<br />
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My hands have been so super shaky lately. At first I though it was the thyroid pill my ND has me on so we adjusted it a few times and now I'm down to one pill cut in half twice daily. We also took a break on the DCA and liquid tributyrate to make sure I am not deficient in my B vits (plus doc says its good to have a break from these from time to time, I am guessing to kind of "reset" your body). So far this has not helped either but it may take a few days to see. Next he is wanting me to get a nutritive push, similar to the nutritional IV's I used to get but concentrated (no saline) and "pushed" by hand with a huge syringe into my IV line (slowly of course). I got one today and I smell like the vitamin store now, however I do feel much better, but still shaky hands. He thinks I may be just needing more nutrients and since I get so much liquid pumped into my body 4 times a week that it is diluting what nutrients I do have. It will take a few days to figure it all out but we are determined to get to the bottom of it. It is kinda cramping my iPhoto skills. Shaky hands make for blurry photos...boo! The other thing it is doing is making it a pain in the ass to type and more of a pain in the ass to text. Geez! I'm a big texter (it's actually my main form of communication) and it has been super frustrating for me. I do a lot with my phone too like check my email, entertain myself when I'm in an IV for 3-4 hours, etc and this shaky bit has been irritating to say the least.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht9hHM-KjkM-xBFgE9vbm2elDmQ7VaVpCRxYizHHAhCGn9zEdq1t9WUYACEYEVk6_IjTuHrTCu2ds4tQuMhQzTgLGspbINca5TNxlhmspm9S8cPG75vprA0-MGqPcVgTcn2ynO4QNyWR4/s1600/IMG_1729.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht9hHM-KjkM-xBFgE9vbm2elDmQ7VaVpCRxYizHHAhCGn9zEdq1t9WUYACEYEVk6_IjTuHrTCu2ds4tQuMhQzTgLGspbINca5TNxlhmspm9S8cPG75vprA0-MGqPcVgTcn2ynO4QNyWR4/s320/IMG_1729.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Hooties who keep my liver loved at night</td></tr>
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I got to go camping the other day with some friends. It. Was. Heaven! I used to be that girl who went camping every single weekend and more often if I could manage it. I was hiking, climbing, skiing, camping, or just doing recon for another trip or scoping out new places to go. I haven't been camping since last July when my mom and I went opal digging at Juniper Ridge in Southern Oregon (awesome by the way!) so this was a treat for me! I couldn't wait to retrieve my camping gear from my storage closet down the hall! Before I got diagnosed, back when I had a job and money, I had enough foresight and determination to replace my aging and well loved tent, sleeping pad and backpack. Oh man, it was like Christmas! I had only used my new gear once or twice after I purchased it (cause my ex and I always used the Westy when we camped) and when I went to set it up I just kept gawking at it and at how cool it was. My chemo brain had completely forgotten what it even looked like, and I was absolutely befuddled and astounded at all of the adjustments on my killer backpack. Once everything was all set up I realized my tent matched my sleeping bag...hey, just cause you're camping "roughing it" doesn't mean you can't be fashionable too :) I floated around on a lake near Mt Hood all day (with lots of sunscreen), had wonderful conversation with friends new and old, ate a ton of delicious food, sat by a campfire, and slept under the stars like a baby and didn't even wake up one single time all night long. It was a good, good time. I hope I feel well enough to get back out at least one more time before this nice weather is gone.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5CVg12rH0FYux0Bf7rUbYscIkgQm9IEGeO0o4bzIaR7RN-e5zny5oHX2nHReCN27yGVKKJP8OkLG_-NvYv5lWjSYMavQfTl0XPj8VPPFLE7UpUhPFCjdr7z6Nz2Q-b-zIOCPYxdw-m-g/s1600/IMG_1768.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5CVg12rH0FYux0Bf7rUbYscIkgQm9IEGeO0o4bzIaR7RN-e5zny5oHX2nHReCN27yGVKKJP8OkLG_-NvYv5lWjSYMavQfTl0XPj8VPPFLE7UpUhPFCjdr7z6Nz2Q-b-zIOCPYxdw-m-g/s320/IMG_1768.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The view from inside my tent</td></tr>
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My dad and I planted a HUGE garden together this year. The only downfall is that I usually feel too tired/shaky/crappy to make the hour drive north to his house. And I am in appointments 4 days every week so it also makes it difficult to come see me too...unless one wants to hang out in an IV for a few hours or so. But the point is that we are getting tons of veggies out of it and it couldn't be more awesome! I just wish I could spend more time actually <i>in the garden</i>. I love weeding and tending to the plants and eating them right out of the garden, <i>yum!</i><br />
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I've been sleeping a lot lately and I mean a <b>LOT</b>. It has been feeling incredibly good too. I have been fatigued but not in a completely incapacitated way like back when I had radiation. I can at least be in the kitchen for a while now and do my own laundry, clean, take care of basics etc. The fatigue I have is pretty consistent and severe but I can make it to my appointments by 9am (that's great for me) and if I set my mind to it, whatever it is, I can usually make it happen. Sometimes it takes a while but it will eventually happen. I have a huge mobile making project that is warranting my attention these days. I finally got things organized enough to feel like I have some room to be creative. In other words I re-arranged my furniture again...see if I set my mind to it I can get it done :) My kitty girl still thinks I'm crazy but it keeps it interesting for her and her indoor lifestyle. I have lots of great ideas brewing for crafts too. I am assuming that I will have more enthusiasm for those things once the days start getting shorter and less deliciously sunny and warm.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiazvqedoi7Nd9XKfMNi7lAGEeLeFlpyPA4YJkZb8zSpHhrIaMdbL0mjyAxV3Id31n31vjhBbiYPFK_WpYosTAesrVgFuLxZGXGwwdWzrTvQgAtxaCh6irBypKZZ6PI_2EmdKRmr82xd0Q/s1600/IMG_1702.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiazvqedoi7Nd9XKfMNi7lAGEeLeFlpyPA4YJkZb8zSpHhrIaMdbL0mjyAxV3Id31n31vjhBbiYPFK_WpYosTAesrVgFuLxZGXGwwdWzrTvQgAtxaCh6irBypKZZ6PI_2EmdKRmr82xd0Q/s320/IMG_1702.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just waiting to be turned into something cool</td></tr>
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My next CT scan is scheduled for sometime in the middle of September. At that point it will have been three months since I got the scan that showed cancer in lymphs, lung, pelvis as well as in my liver...this is where we will see just how much cancer booty we have assassinated. My guess it that it will be spotless or nearly so :) Yep, this is what I am going to manifest! Will you help me by sending my your good thoughts and sparkly ju-ju and let's manifest some spotless scans! Woot! Woot!<br />
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Seriously though, the vitamin C IV's have proven to be astoundingly helpful with chemo side effects and doc says that it also makes the cancer more susceptible to the chemotherapy making it more effective. Not only that I can literally see, smell, and feel the difference in my body as compared to last chemo in 2010. It is amazing stuff and I just can't understand why our lame insurance wont cover such a simple thing that can do so much good! The IV's are $175 each and I get three every week so in comparison to chemo it is cheap but when insurance does not cover it the expense turns into $2100/mo. The only reason I am as healthy as I am right now is because of YOU! Thank you so much for the vitamin C IV's!! The donations you have made is what makes it possible for me to get these lifesavers and I want you all to know that I am forever in deepest gratitude for your generous and gracious gifts! I feel the love every single day and am so thankful and lucky to be as healthy as I am and to have such wonderful friends and family like you all to give me strength and shine that light. You all rock!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">at the CTM</td></tr>
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My friend Tiffany has organized <a href="http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/cancer-can-suck-it-the-cancer-assassin-needs-you-/63956">this fundraiser</a> to help with vitamin C IV's. Anything is most appreciated, even if it is only $1! Every single little bit helps and is one more drop of golden goodness in my IV to keep me healthy and kick some cancer booty!<br />
<a href="http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/cancer-can-suck-it-the-cancer-assassin-needs-you-/63956">Here is the link :)</a><br />
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Or if you like you can contact my clinic directly at <a href="http://myctm.org/">The Center for Traditional Medicine </a> 503-636-2734 and they can add money to my account there with a debit/credit card or personal check. The people there are quite lovely, if you call on a Mon/Wed/Fri then make sure to tell them to say "hello" to me since I will be in the IV suite :)<br />
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I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful summer and are all safe, happy, healthy and full of life!<br />
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Oh yeah,<br />
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<h2>
<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">CANCER CAN SUCK IT!</span></i></b></h2>
<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-29176846992154626552013-07-22T11:15:00.002-07:002013-07-23T08:32:00.092-07:00Life is good!Hello out there!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvNnPlL4onXItb8zybyIhvwiMrUWnCh14YRltpnwl2wMZDtArYOhv86w2xL_k5kcnhGVHreif7tWpj35eE43y_7ChaoRGXKYEHJpTUNYm3K60l9ORJscjQiup2DIt8uGv8eXDueJckytw/s1600/high+c+%2312.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvNnPlL4onXItb8zybyIhvwiMrUWnCh14YRltpnwl2wMZDtArYOhv86w2xL_k5kcnhGVHreif7tWpj35eE43y_7ChaoRGXKYEHJpTUNYm3K60l9ORJscjQiup2DIt8uGv8eXDueJckytw/s320/high+c+%2312.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
I hope you all have been enjoying your summer and getting lots and lots of fresh air and fresh fruit and veggies. Summers in the PNW are just about the best you can get really. So many things to do and everyone is smiling. I haven't really been able to get out to do too much but the things that I have done were all super fun. I am hoping to get up in the mountains for a hike soon while this weather is still so beautiful and maybe even take a lil' dip in an alpine lake somewhere and watch the wind in the trees.<br />
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I have been getting accessed in my port four times each week (that's a lot) and it is getting a little sore there. A little Arnica oil before bed and first thing in the morning (not to mention a LOT of Arnica gel on the weekends) has really been helping it to not be quite as sore and tender and I am thankful for that. Sometimes just a simple hug can cause a lot of discomfort and as a result I have learned to hug accordingly. I have been doing chemotherapy again, I have two weeks on and one week off. I am getting the same chemo (gemzar and cisplatin) and in the same dose as where I left off back in November of 2011. So far it hasn't been too bad. I definitely have no complaints. I believe the Vitamin C IV's have been helping tremendously! I have only driven the porcelain bus once and my hair actually has grown an inch in the last month (DANG!). However, my blood counts are waaay low. I pretty much don't even have platelets anymore and at last check a week ago my WBC and RBC (along with some other things) are nearly non-existant BUT I didn't have to get chemo this last week and I have been eating well so I am hoping that on next check this coming Thursday things will be looking better. I have felt tremendously tired lately though. Not that I feel bad or anything mostly just like I want to lay down and take a nap, and I usually do :) There have only been one or two really bad days and only one or two nights that I have not been able to sleep one wink. I have not had an abundance of energy either, just enough to get done what needs to get done and sometimes not quite even that much, but with the help of my friends, family and neighbors I have been getting by just fine.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv-zRDj9sKNOcSCm-CCt74aSw-U9i5MChRoOA2kTCkEwRSbxUO4KKDH-TRljkv6HqKDgFw1OCN4KlEQrN0DudCIx5PkuMGZ3sK7gIs6KXnT0yfGd2NhYYGFD4Ya2g8jifAXUNBrd_POqQ/s1600/garden+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv-zRDj9sKNOcSCm-CCt74aSw-U9i5MChRoOA2kTCkEwRSbxUO4KKDH-TRljkv6HqKDgFw1OCN4KlEQrN0DudCIx5PkuMGZ3sK7gIs6KXnT0yfGd2NhYYGFD4Ya2g8jifAXUNBrd_POqQ/s320/garden+6.jpg" width="320" /></a>I went to my dad's house to harvest garden bounty yesterday and wow! I came home with two huge paper bags stuffed full of lacinato kale, a giant bag full of carrots and yellow squash, a huge bunch of basil, cucumbers, an onion, and green beans. In another week or two we will be up to our eyeballs in all kinds of tomatoes, more beans, onions, leeks, peppers and squash. It wont be a problem at all making dinner this week with all these awesome homegrown veggies!<br />
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Things have been pretty mellow. I got to see a bestie that I haven't seen in a couple of years and we had a beautiful time and got to catch up too. The sun has been shining, the birds have been singing, the flowers have been blooming and the stars twinkling in the night. Life has been good and I have absolutely no complaints at all.<br />
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<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-10398743245903284712013-07-01T14:47:00.000-07:002013-07-23T08:27:50.152-07:00Never A Dull MomentSo I recently have been taking a little time off and really relaxing. It has been really nice to unplug and get some time away from phones, email, social media, doctors, appointments, good news, bad news, no news, decisions, scans, daily life, etc... I got to spend some quality time relaxing with my best friend (my mom) and it was simply divine and oh so very needed by both of us after the crazy 6 months that have been 2013.<br />
Now it is back to the grind, the assassination, the kicking of some cancer booty, time to roll up the sleeves and put my game face back on.<br />
<br />
From the last CT scan back May, it appeared that I had some cancer going rogue and building condos outside of Livertown, collectively they appeared to be about the size of an almond (we thought there were only two of them at this point). Then my radiologist recommended that I get a PET scan to make sure of exactly what we were looking at and that way I could make a more informed decision about my choice of therapy.<br />
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So I recently got results back from the PET scan and the first sentence says "Significant progression of disease since July 2012..." Not good. My oncologist shows me the pictures and there are now a bunch (too many to count) of places outside of my liver mostly in nearby lymphs (one in a lung and one in my pelvis) where there showed PET avid activity (it took up the sugar rich contrast like cancer does) so this now leaves me feeling once again a bit more anxious about my path forward.<br />
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I have spoken at length with my oncologist and natural doctor and we have come up with a kick ass cancer assassinating plan!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj68JnHU61oq3CQo83FHtzCNDFnq4IfbnQ6PeiqL0DJ0fPM2fP96Q0i8uHPR_1Ps1fRAxzASJpuk1dwCbH2NnrdEhQ5dHYWGWwWGIrMw6fTVGZGGSvPfj2hg7boehEvxEY0YB5pp9uR1w/s640/998508_10151702218066558_1536109798_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj68JnHU61oq3CQo83FHtzCNDFnq4IfbnQ6PeiqL0DJ0fPM2fP96Q0i8uHPR_1Ps1fRAxzASJpuk1dwCbH2NnrdEhQ5dHYWGWwWGIrMw6fTVGZGGSvPfj2hg7boehEvxEY0YB5pp9uR1w/s320/998508_10151702218066558_1536109798_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Vitamin C Love</td></tr>
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<br />
I am already taking such things as <a href="http://www.thedcasite.com/">DCA</a> and many other natural cancer fighting treatments and supplements and I will continue to get high dose vitamin C IV therapy. I am going to sandwich my chemo treatments right in between two vitamin C IV's. So still vitamin C three times a week and chemo at least once a week (maybe more frequent to start I dunno yet).<br />
I start round two of chemotherapy tomorrow at 9:30am. The chemo will be the same as last time. Mega dose to start with then as my body weakens the dose weakens. They like to hit it hard at first. My gramma is coming down to go with me, ya know, cause grandmothers are awesome like that! The vitamin C is supposed to make the cancer more susceptible to chemotherapy and it is said to make the side effects up to 50% less severe! HELLS YES!! This is what I am going to manifest! <strike>Less side effects </strike> NO side effects! Plus they will no doubt pump me full of steroids and other anti nausea drugs as well as cytotoxins and they seem to make it much more tolerable. Sometimes drugs aren't so bad after all :)<br />
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Not exactly what I was envisioning, especially after such a tumultuous start to the year anyway, but hey...never a dull moment in the life of The Cancer Assassin!<br />
Bring it on! I've done it once I can do it again, hell, I'm a pro and I am already ahead of the game now.<br />
My goal right now is just to appreciate each and every single day, drink it all in and share the love!<br />
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<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-22720511801070827942013-06-05T09:34:00.000-07:002013-06-05T09:34:05.681-07:00Please spread the word and share this far and wide!Thank you so much!<br />
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My friend has set up a donation account to help me cover medical expenses in this new phase of my treatment which is high dose Vitamin C IV's. Any assistance at all is very much appreciated in deepest gratitude.<br />
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I am off to go get my PET scan. <br />
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Many Healthy Blessings to you ALL!!<br />
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<a href="http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/cancer-can-suck-it-the-cancer-assassin-needs-you-/63956">Here is the link to the YOU CARING ONLINE FUNDRAISER</a><br />
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<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-35207339597697325622013-06-03T09:16:00.002-07:002013-06-03T09:16:37.941-07:00An update, a decision, and a pleaWhat a year its been!<br />
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It's been weird, emotional, exciting, crazy, adventurous, painful-really painful, scary, uncertain, ambiguous, frightening, love filled, family and friend filled, uncomfortable and downright draining at times. I have bonded with my couch and my kitty and my digital converter (hey, almost free TV). I have seen the inside of my eyelids more times than I care to count but only in the daytime and never in the middle of the night. I have been radiated and medicated and sedated out of my mind. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 6 months. I struggle to keep my weight above 110, struggle with my appetite on a daily basis, and struggle with the energy to prepare meals even one time each day. <br />
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During the hardest times my thoughts have wandered into the darkest corners of my mind and I found myself thinking that I have nearly had enough. Extended periods of pain and weakness from malnutrition made me wonder how I could even still be alive. I often wondered how I could be in so much pain and not have passed out or passed away yet. I came dangerously close to calling it quits and it scared my shitless!<br />
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On a much lighter note I have been feeling pretty fabulous (for me that means my pain is about a 5 out of 10) for the past three days. I think it is because I have had more of an appetite and I have been eating more (more energy) for the last few days. I have also been able to take my vitamins and supplements again three times a day which is a giant accomplishment for me! I still struggle but at least I have more energy to prepare food which gives me even more energy for other things, like healing and kicking some cancer booty.<br />
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I think that a lot of people don't really understand just how hard these past months have been but I think that is partly my fault. I try not to post too much about how shitty things are because quite frankly I choose not to focus on it myself. When anyone asks me "how are you doing/feeling?" the first thing out of my mouth will be "I'm doing great!" if I feel pretty good, or "I'm doing good." if I feel crappy. What I wont say is "I feel like shit and my this or that hurts and I'm hungry but I don't want to eat, and I feel like I'm going to puke on you, I haven't gone #2 in days and I feel like a bomb went off in my liver and someone stuffed rocks in it."<br />
There is too much to be grateful for to spend my time and energy focusing on everything that is bad or wrong. The way I see it is that I am alive and that is a good thing! What you focus on expands and I am determined to focus on all that is good. Just like I am focusing on this new stuff they found outside of my liver as being just some swelling cause hey, I've pretty much been nuked and it is definitely not unreasonable. Yep, just swelling! <br />
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This is a good time to transition into the real reason I am writing this post. <br />
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After a much needed visit with my friend this weekend my perspective has been changed on my next step with regards to treatment.<br />
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After I found out that my high dose vitamin C IV's would cost $175 each my heart sank. I thought that there was no way that this could ever happen (I still worry) because I am supposed to get three each week making that $525/week or $2100 each month. SCARY!!! <br />
I kept looking at this as a <i>whole ball of wax</i> type situation, all or nothing and got scared. I really don't feel positively about the chemotherapy they want me to get again. I have a very bad feeling about it actually as do many of my friends and family. BUT my friend explained to me that I should approach this one step at a time and try to raise as much money as possible and get as many vitamin C IV's as I can with what I got. In other words I was too focused on my outcome and not giving the process enough time to unfold or to trust in it. So this is what I am doing... I am going to trust in the process and quit thinking about the <i>future</i> so much. After all I have been taking it one day at a time anyway and why does this have to be any different?<br />
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Obviously this is something that I cannot do alone and once again I am asking for any help at all large or small it does not matter and is ALWAYS ACCEPTED WITH DEEP GRATITUDE. If anyone would like to help out in covering the cost of my treatment please feel free to contact my doctors office directly. They are more than happy to accept payment over the phone and the donation will be credited directly to my account there, just exactly where it needs to be. Plus you will also be able to get a receipt :)<br />
<br />
Here is their contact information:<br />
The Center for Traditional Medicine<br />
503-636-2734<br />
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Big BIG LOVE!!!<br />
<br />
My time is not even close to being over on this earth. I am just getting saddled up for round two. I am more experienced at this game now and cancer doesn't even stand a chance this time. Apparently it still hasn't figured out who it is trying to mess with yet :)The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-35493491450768597212013-05-20T08:42:00.001-07:002013-05-20T08:42:31.182-07:00Never a dull moment in the life of The Cancer Assassin!My mom came down to Portland on Friday for what we both thought would be a pretty uneventful visit with my oncologist to discuss the results of the CT scan I had done last Wednesday. I knew that the left lobe of my liver looked pretty badly beaten up with battle scars from the last chemo onslaught and I also knew that there were new tumors in there too. I expected that it would be pretty much the same as the scan I had done not even a month ago and that this was all just procedural so that we could begin the next radiation treatment within the coming weeks. What I did not expect was bad news, but bad news is what we got.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">6 miles in on Eagle Creek</td></tr>
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Apparently my cancer has now metastasized into what they think to be some nearby lymph glands. The trouble right now is my oncologist was really sketchy on saying exactly what this new mass was, although he kept insisting it was most likely a lymph gland. This new mass is pushing on my IVC (inferior vena cava), my portal vein, my diaphragm, my spleen, my stomach and everything else in that vicinity making for some really uncomfortable times on occasion and on other occasions making for a trip to the medicine cabinet for morphine.<br />
<br />
The CT report describes this new mass as a "low-attenuation lesion" which means that it is not solid enough so that light cannot pass through it...in other words the higher the attenuation the more solid the mass is, so I am going to milk that statement as good news. At least it is not solid enough so that no light passes through... The report also suggested that the new <i>swollen</i> mass could be a result of the compression of the tumors on my arteries and such... <br />
<br />
Basically what it boils down to at this point is this:<br />
<br />
I got bad and ambiguous news on a Friday afternoon leaving me to sit with my concerns, thoughts, worries, fears, and questions all weekend long. No one really knows anything yet and my next step is to contact my radiologist and go over the scan and reports with him. Radiologists are more accustomed to reading and looking at scan images so it was suggested to me that instead of going over my scan with my oncologist I should be going over it with a radiologist and that is exactly what I am going to do before I make any decisions. I also have a call in to my Natural Doctor and will be speaking with him as well about my options. Oncologist is recommending more chemo again. I am not sold on that idea. I know from experience that although chemo kills cancer cells it also kills lots and lots of healthy cells too not to mention the horrid side effects that come along with it. I am talking quality of life here. I think that this round I may just stick to natural medicine.<br />
<br />
Tumors are not the problem here. The tumors are the <i style="font-weight: bold;">symptom</i> of my cancer. We can use chemotherapy OR we could use natural methods all day long killing tumors but until the real underlying problem that is causing the tumors to grow is fixed and the whole body is healed the tumors will just keep coming back. It is time to get down to the nitty gritty again and be insanely vigilant and healthy. It may just be time for something drastic. I KNOW that it is time for a vacation.<br />
<br />
This new mass appeared in the short time of one month! This is scary to me! How much time do I have to peruse the choices of this new decision I must make? <br />
<br />
A friend asked me this weekend "What am I going to do?" My reply was "I really don't have any choices." The only thing my insurance will cover is more chemotherapy. It wont cover any natural therapies like high dose vitamin C therapy which is natural chemotherapy and doesn't have any negative side effects and kills cancer every bit as well as chemo does. My only choices are <b>a) </b>get chemotherapy or <b>b)</b> do nothing. I simply cannot afford to pay for natural therapies, they are not cheap. But I don't want to get more chemo and live the rest of my days being so sick from treatment I cannot enjoy my life. <br />
<br />
I just wished that I would fall asleep last night and wake up to realize it was only a dream or that maybe it would just vanish as mysteriously and quickly as it appeared. I wonder that if I stuck my head so far in the sand all this cancer crap would just disappear, you know "out of sight, out of mind". I don't want to sit and worry about it all so I have been trying not to think about it. What is the use in getting all worked up over something that I really don't even have all of the information about just yet. It wont do any good and will just stress me out. <br />
<br />
It's crunch time. The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-80303186891795636792013-04-08T10:47:00.001-07:002013-04-08T10:47:20.806-07:00What it's likeWOW!<br />
<br />
I did not expect to be "gone" for so long. It has been over two months since my last post and believe me it is not because I haven't wanted to post. I just simply haven't even been able to.<br />
<br />
I have had the craziest experience the past two months as a result of the first (yes, I still have to get <b>another</b> treatment) of my Y-90 direct radiation treatment. I have to be completely honest and say that so far out of everything <i style="font-weight: bold;">this</i> has been the hardest thing I have had to do since diagnosis. Trust me, chemo was no picnic at all and it sucked just as much, but it was different. Chemo snuck up on me and slowly created problem/symptom after problem/symptom over time, many of which I still deal with to this day. It slowly ate away at me and my body, <b>but</b> radiation (at least the type I had) just bitch slapped me hard, caused intensive pain (I'm talking a definite <b>10</b> here folks) not even an hour after the procedure ended and continued for nearly two entire months! As a result I have been so out of it that I actually could not function for about a month and a half. <br />
<br />
No one can understand what it is like to have cancer, especially <b>terminal</b> cancer, or to have to go through treatments (or not), or to have to make the decision as to what to do in order to live the longest amount of time possible, or just how much pain one can possibly endure...there are so many circumstances in life that others cannot understand unless they too have gone through it too. <br />
<br />
THIS is why I think it is so important to share information and experiences. To the best of my ability, I am going to try to chronicle the experience I have had since Valentines Day, the day I became radioactive. Mostly I want to explain to everyone exactly what happened as a result of the Y-90 procedure I had done on February 14. The reason I feel this is so important is because the reaction I had to the procedure was not a typical reaction. I was informed (and research also showed) that most patients usually experience flu like symptoms about 3-5 days after the procedure that usually last around a week or so. Not so bad I though....but then again from past experience from other treatments I knew that my rule of thumb is to take what they (the doctors) tell you and expect it to actually be about 3-4 times worse than what they say it will be like. That has been my experience so far at least. So I figured that I would most likely be feeling pretty icky and flu like for about 3 weeks. Well, lets just say that is NOT what happened by a long shot. I also have to let you know that sometimes this description could get a little too graphic for some so if you are too sensitive to TMI then you might want to skim some parts.<br />
<br />
On Valentines Day my aunt and mom came down from WA to take me in to get Y-90. We got there at 6:30 and after getting set up with an IV and some blood tests I was in the now familiar operation room with all kinds of crazy gadgets and instruments. They transferred me from the gurney to the operation table and started getting me all settled in with blankets and oxygen while other people placed a bunch of sticky sensor things to which they would connect wires to monitor or view something. I always joke around with them asking my usual "so who is in charge of mixing my cocktails today?" You always gotta get in good with your anesthesiologist :) Many of them remembered me from my angiogram a couple of weeks prior and I am thankful that they are all very friendly and willing to listen to me nervously ramble and tell bad jokes. They always warn you before they put you out saying something like "count back from 100" or "imagine your favorite place to be". The next thing I know I am awake, still on the table with 3 or 4 people milling around while a guy is placing pressure (I mean really leaning into it too) on my groin which is the place they accessed my femoral artery. The procedure is to run a catheter into my femoral artery and up into my liver to deliver radioactive beads directly into the large tumors. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTbSLabDx8I5fd_pyR9gnLyqs55ZeD74bnN4p72hrfv7WG9GozcRKFZzTM6PDg14rsmPWSgMj2h37YgUH1RnBFrABlvAiPYgNDvK9yNC7lqp4b7Zg1PdVBDMC-1863QQNTATyY6GDZ-c0/s1600/IMG_9586.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTbSLabDx8I5fd_pyR9gnLyqs55ZeD74bnN4p72hrfv7WG9GozcRKFZzTM6PDg14rsmPWSgMj2h37YgUH1RnBFrABlvAiPYgNDvK9yNC7lqp4b7Zg1PdVBDMC-1863QQNTATyY6GDZ-c0/s320/IMG_9586.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Waking up</td></tr>
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I get wheeled back into my room where I slowly shake off the sedation and access my situation. They delivered blueberries, carrots, water and cottage cheese which I was elated to eat. It tasted like heaven after nearly 12 hours without any food or water. My mom and aunt had been killing time while I was in my operation and had now returned bearing gifts, smiles, kisses and hugs. We leave and for the rest of the day I actually don't feel too terrible. I think this lasted for about 12 more hours because the next thing I remember is about a two weeks later when I had to go to the hospital and get a CT scan because I was in so much pain and they were trying to figure out why. I don't remember going to the hospital to get the scan, I don't remember even getting the scan. Apparently my mom and gramma were there with me but I don't remember that either. I do remember having lunch that day though but that is about it.<br />
<br />
I was in so much pain from my procedure that I was taking 4mg of dilaudid every 3 hours! This went on for about a month. Dilaudid is the strongest pain medication they can prescribe in a pill. The only way they could have given me something stronger is to put me in the hospital and give me an IV. The dilaudid made me severely nauseous so I took lorazepam and zofran to keep from throwing up as much. The lorazepam in combination with the dilaudid made me a zombie. I literally don't remember much of February and about the first two weeks of March. I know I was somewhat functioning because I have pictures of me visiting with friends and family who came to visit <b>BUT</b> I don't remember much of it at all. It is like being drunk one night and the next day your friend tells you something that you did the night before and you are horrified that not only you did something embarrassing but that you also completely lost that time and you will never remember it or get it back again. It is a horrible feeling. <br />
<br />
At first the radiation made me feel like I had a really bad sunburn <i style="font-weight: bold;">inside</i> my body. The lining of my stomach, my esophagus, my mouth, and my tongue actually peeled off and shed out through my mouth. It was disgusting and it caused an enormous amount of nausea. All of the skin on my tongue actually peeled off. If I put my finger in my mouth and rubbed my cheeks and gums there would be nothing but a gob of skin on my finger. My stomach and liver felt like they were on fire. It felt like two nuclear reactors melting down in my liver. The pain was so bad that I could not take enough pills to even make it somewhat bearable. I am no wimp either when it comes to pain. My liver on a good day is at about a 3 or 4 out of a 1-10 pain scale so for me 3-5 is normal. One weekend sometime around the middle of March I started to feel a little better so I thought I would stop taking the dilaudid and try to manage my pain with oxycodone instead. Big mistake! I spent the twelve hours from 6pm until 6am in the most excruciating pain I had ever had in my entire life. I did not know what to do. I had taken oxy so I could not take dilaudid as they could cause me to stop breathing (they don't mix). I was basically screwed until enough time had gone by so that I could take another dilaudid. I didn't want to call my mom in the middle of the night and get her all worried and I knew that if I went to the emergency room they would not be able to do anything better for me and on top of that I would also be in a cold uncomfortable hospital room. I put an emergency call into my surgical radiologist who did the procedure. He called back and was absolutely stumped. He had no idea why I would still be in so much pain and said that short of admitting me to the hospital and sedating me to the point of barely breathing there was nothing that he could do for me. He also tried to cheer me up a little by saying that the pain is most likely a good thing as it is killing cancer. Well that was all fine and great but I felt like it was killing me too.<br />
Luckily by about 6 hours later the pain had become manageable (to about a 6 on the pain scale) and I was scheduled to get an endoscopy the next day to make sure that they weren't overlooking something as simple as an ulcer. The results came back from the endoscopy and everything was totally normal and no one still had any idea as to why I was in so much pain. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtBkHZ_44dQF4PEZg9JDSXzS7SKEsw6gpIzkWQivAknbrMIsYc4kpiJhbwzzSngwpnJ_PRjAOtHlpin31B9OrWC-EUzoQWV223SW-DF2UgO_KIwHTmct009Wy9eUz_qH0MN-DdXFClico/s1600/IMG_9737.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtBkHZ_44dQF4PEZg9JDSXzS7SKEsw6gpIzkWQivAknbrMIsYc4kpiJhbwzzSngwpnJ_PRjAOtHlpin31B9OrWC-EUzoQWV223SW-DF2UgO_KIwHTmct009Wy9eUz_qH0MN-DdXFClico/s320/IMG_9737.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My grandmama and me</td></tr>
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All of the pain meds I was taking ended up having some very undesirable side effects. Anyone who has ever had to take pain killers for an extended period of time knows that they will constipate you like no ones business. Now imagine taking heavy doses of pain killers for about 45 days. I literally did not go #2 for 28 days!!! The pain from the radiation was made infinitely worse by the pressure and discomfort caused from not having a bowel movement in almost a month. I was literally on the sofa or in the recliner for about 50 days. I had zero appetite but forced myself to eat if I could. I lived on yogurt and boxes of organic butternut squash soup for weeks on end. It hurt to do anything at all, to stand, to sit, to talk, to read and even to type. Loud noises and multiple things going on at once sent me into a panic attack. I couldn't drive anywhere. I had to rely on friends and family to take complete care of me. I was literally helpless often not even having the energy to go to the bathroom or bathe.<br />
<br />
It was only by accident that my pain meds got changed. My insurance did not cover dilaudid and I had been paying for it for weeks. I received a call from a nurse at my clinic telling me that my insurance would cover another pain med that was time release morphine and if I wanted to switch I could. At first I was afraid that it wouldn't work as well. I though that if insurance covered it, it must not be as good. I decided to try it anyway. I only needed to take one pill every 12 hours and I also got to take oxycodone for "breakthrough pain". I gave it a try and boy am I ever glad I did. It actually worked much better! After about two weeks of taking this I got to the point about a week ago where I stopped taking them completely! Yay!! I now am able to get by with taking an occasional oxycodone to manage my pain. Which means I also get to be more independent and take myself to my appointments or to get groceries without having to rely on others to drive me. It has been a slow process. I have thrown up so much that my stomach and entire abdomen is extremely sensitive to touch or motion. I have been trying to get out and go for a walk every day to get moving again. I have even gotten on my rebounder one day for a little workout. I get tired quickly though. I only have a span of about 3-5 hours before I really need to lay down. <br />
<br />
The surgical oncologist is ready to get me back in to do the other side (the left side) of my liver soon. I am expecting to be back for round two in a week or so. I think that I might be prepared a little better this time though so that maybe it wont put me down as hard or as long as it did the last time. The left lobe of my liver is only about a third of the size as the right side due to it containing so much dead cancer from last time with little healthy liver left. Since it is so small I am hoping it wont hurt as much :)<br />
<br />
I have been very absent in the world of social media and very absent in replying to emails from followers. Please know that I haven't been meaning to ignore any of you at all and that you are all on my mind. I will try to reply as soon as I can. It is just that I have not had the energy, mind power or body power to do so. Many of you have asked me what my advice to those of you out there who have been diagnosed with CC would be. Let me just say that I am in no way qualified to be able to recommend a doctor to you by any means but with that in mind let me also say that it is extremely important to find a doctor that you feel you can communicate with and who is actually working hard for you. Don't settle for less, this is your life you are talking about here! I also recommend that everyone battling cancer should seek out the professional opinion of a NATURAL DOCTOR in addition to a conventional oncologist etc. And the number one most important piece of advice that I can give to everyone is this. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT! It is that simple. You simply must eat healthy food in order to provide your body with the tools it needs to heal itself and keep you healthy if you are going through treatments. This one is not compromisable. Lots and lots of a variety of vegetables including dark leafy greens.<br />
<br />
So to make a long story even longer, this is it. This is roughly what my world has been like for the last two months. I really just wanted to share so that people out there like friends and family, those of you who might be thinking about getting Y-90 or those who are just plain old curious. Information sharing is one of the most important things cancer patients can do for each other. Knowledge is power!<br />
<br />
In the meantime, stay healthy, don't stress to much about the future and try to be thankful for this moment because it really is all you ever have.<br />
<br />
Oxxo!!The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-23210326400554634102013-02-01T09:11:00.001-08:002013-02-01T09:11:58.451-08:00The Low DownIt is turning into whirlwind city again. BUT not enough to cause the magnitude of panic that hit me back in March of 2010 though and that is a good, good thing :)<br />
<br />
I am a seasoned veteran now. After nearly 2 years of chemo I am pretty sure I can handle what is coming my way in about a week or so. I hope...<br />
<br />
I should find out today exactly what day we are going to do this procedure. I had my angiogram mapping procedure done on Tuesday. They ran a catheter into my femoral artery in my groin and mapped out all of my veins, the tumors, how the tumors were supplied with blood, how many cc's my liver could hold, and just the general anatomy of my liver etc. Looks like once again I am a bit unique. Apparently most peoples livers are supplied by one of three main arteries (I have totally forgotten the names something like duodenal, mesenteric, something gastric sounding) and I happen to be one of those people who are not like the others. 1 out of every 1000 people have a liver that gets supplied from a different artery (not bad or good, just different) and I am that 1. I am guessing that if I ever became a candidate for a liver transplant it might be a bit hard to find a donor due to this....just a guess.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCcv6G0n-gbVRLUFnf0ZuPWk8OrAuGy4M5z0gLCymVtOYvRDRzsq5PIzJZeBV-YTRa-LODQ1A9ajgQRlvMfs-1YxS0DQhLjbVDvLn_uBug83P-ZF4nbMpux4w-lObRnzUM2e6c9a4m9cc/s1600/IMG_9446.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCcv6G0n-gbVRLUFnf0ZuPWk8OrAuGy4M5z0gLCymVtOYvRDRzsq5PIzJZeBV-YTRa-LODQ1A9ajgQRlvMfs-1YxS0DQhLjbVDvLn_uBug83P-ZF4nbMpux4w-lObRnzUM2e6c9a4m9cc/s320/IMG_9446.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
During the procedure they placed 5 coils (I was told they look like tiny caterpillars or pipe cleaners) that block off certain veins supplying blood to the right and left lobes of my liver. These coils will never come out. They are made of platinum. Who knows, I might just set off the detector in the airport now. These were placed in these positions in order to block off one side of my liver while they inject radiation into the other side. They are planning to hit the left lobe first, then approximately a month later they are going back to hit the right side. Apparently there are lots and lots of veins that supply the gut and liver and I was told that it is extremely hard to kill the blood supply to the gut. So I am told that these platinum coils that never come out will never be a problem. Its like bling in my insides! Kinda cool and a little freaky at the same time. <br />
<br />
I have been a little sore from the mapping procedure. They went in right in the crease of my thigh (imagine bikini line crease) and the spot where they went in is tender plus the leg and up into my gut just a little bit are achy. I was told by my nurse friends that this is normal. Needless to say I am not very comfortable being up on my feet for a length of time and I really don't like to walk too far or be in my car for longer than possible. It makes things achier. Don't get me wrong, it isn't painful really, just achy in a strange way that just feels different from anything I have ever felt before...but then again, except for a biopsy and port placement I have never had a surgery so this is all new to me. On the plus side the incision is only about 1/4 inch long and it is barely visible :) Waay better than the port scar. It is a little unnerving though having someone tell you not to cough too hard or lift anything heavy (over 5 lbs) because you might bleed out...can you say paranoia?!<br />
<br />
I promised an updated list of supplements....I finally got them all together and organized. I am waiting on the <a href="http://cancerguide.org/psk.html">PSK</a> (he has one that is supposed to be far superior in absorption on order) and <a href="http://www.mwt.net/~drbrewer/FreeButyAcid_Can.htm">butyrate</a> to come in and those will also be added to this mix. This is what I've got so far. I will also include the names of the companies that make them if you are interested. My ND and I went through all of my supplements and as much as I would like to find cheaper ones out there, he insists that these are the superior products and I should stick to these. He did say that the Eclectic Institute Milk Thistle can be a substitute for the milk thistle listed here. So far this is the only substitute that has been acceptable. I think this may be different for preventative treatment vs therapeutic treatment. Right now I need the GOOD stuff.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7kJlEuiflug_fnE3hF-HIGlXhK8FKRgoaQD8TwV9cpS9ujrBiLEvSn9rzBXTifuO1DTgJrS2AhU7q3hYj-NR3LPiP-j5EzfkSCM-f1MXlXwbXVmIlZOyAgP4YR4p4r6VHMiKR9o-GfHM/s1600/IMG_9455.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7kJlEuiflug_fnE3hF-HIGlXhK8FKRgoaQD8TwV9cpS9ujrBiLEvSn9rzBXTifuO1DTgJrS2AhU7q3hYj-NR3LPiP-j5EzfkSCM-f1MXlXwbXVmIlZOyAgP4YR4p4r6VHMiKR9o-GfHM/s320/IMG_9455.JPG" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here is what they look like :) Curamed is missing</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
Supplement list:<br />
<br />
Resveratrol Extra by pure Encapsulations 1tab/3xday<br />
COQ10 by Integrative Therapeutics 1chew/3xday<br />
Ecomer Shark Liver Oil 500mg by Scandinavian Formulas 2tab/3xday<br />
Ultra Potent C, by Metagenics 1 tab daily<br />
Vit D3 & K2 liposomal spray by Protocol 2 sprays/day<br />
Milk Thistle Extract 250mg by Vital Nutrients 1tab/3xday<br />
EGCG Green Tea Extract 275mg by Vital Nutrients 2tab/3xday<br />
Oncotonin by Cardiovascular Research 2 tab evenings<br />
Artemisinin by Allergy Research Group 2 tab/3xday<br />
Liver Support by Vital Nutrients 1 tab/3xday<br />
Detox Formula by Vital Nutrients 1 tab/3xday<br />
Benfotiamine 150mg by Doctor's Best 1tab/3xday<br />
Pure Lean Nutrients by pure Encapsulations 1tab/3xday<br />
Curamed by Terry Naturally, 2tab/3xday<br />
Urea 28 grams daily in pomegranate juice<br />
LDN 1.25mg 1 tab in evening<br />
2 Quarts of green tea daily<br />
PSK (on order)<br />
butyrate (on order)<br />
<br />
I will also be starting <a href="http://www.thedcasite.com/">DCA</a> after I am safely out of my last radiation treatment.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3KO_sgOfKexMgtgNColsiDqNe4-22rIaVqzO0IjJDv7sK6idqTSEwIxuzo0kNrUqn2aexrXiaMm1sMF7q7Opd3i8UwfGHalTLAZ4OrAO1_PS4AAG1ZpmkrcDfY2nmyyO0llYriL9yFFU/s1600/IMG_9444.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3KO_sgOfKexMgtgNColsiDqNe4-22rIaVqzO0IjJDv7sK6idqTSEwIxuzo0kNrUqn2aexrXiaMm1sMF7q7Opd3i8UwfGHalTLAZ4OrAO1_PS4AAG1ZpmkrcDfY2nmyyO0llYriL9yFFU/s320/IMG_9444.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">breakfast</td></tr>
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I am also on a strict <a href="http://www.thebarrow.org/Research/Neuro_Oncology/213930">Ketogenic</a> diet now. NO sugar of any kind (no fruit, honey, etc) and NO carbs (grains, potatoes, etc.) I try to stay under 30g of carbs every day. I have to say that after all of the other dietary changes I have done in the past three years this one has been the easiest for some reason. I have really been enjoying my diet lately. Truthfully the only time I have missed sugar at all is in my morning Earl Grey (I've been using stevia lately). So far it's been a piece of cake...sugarless, carb-less cake :) <br />
<br />The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-17082381079417070332013-01-24T09:08:00.000-08:002013-01-24T10:33:32.543-08:00CANCER CAN SUCK IT!I think it is safe to say that anyone who has ever been diagnosed with cancer is always worried about one thing. No matter how hard you try not to think about it, somehow it always creeps back into those dark places in your mind. You know those places, the ones where you stick all of those unpleasant things that you prefer not to think about so much but are still important enough to file away. This one worry is made even more intense if you have been able to wrestle it into submission with either one of all the combinations of chemo, radiation, natural therapies, supplements, positive attitudes, green smoothies, coffee enemas, acupuncture, acutonics, acupressure, shamanic healing, praying, making sacrifices, or performing rituals. What is that one lingering fear, the one that never, ever, EVER goes away no matter how clean your last scan was or no matter how good your blood counts look? For this Cancer Assassin it is the fear of it coming back.<br />
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One of my biggest fears came true last Friday. <br />
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My mom and my aunt came down to Portland so that they could go with me to my appointment with the oncologist. We to hear the official results of the CT scan that I had done two days prior. I think all of my friends and family expected the scan to be clean. They have been clean for me since August 2011, just a short 17 months after my original diagnosis which baffled everyone. Upon diagnosis my liver was literally COVERED in tumors. Some were clusters of smaller tumors spattered throughout my entire liver, others were 3-5cm and another one was a whopping 9cm! Everyone wondered how I was even standing in front of them. My ALP (alkaline phosphatase) was off the charts, however my CA19-9 was never elevated. Needless to say 17 months later my scans (PET) showed no living tumors, they were all dead! This inactivity of cancerous growth lasted until my most recent scan done on Jan 16. The prior scan done back in July was also clean. In 6 months I had grown a tumor that looked a lot like a snowman, two tumors touching, both approx 3cm in diameter. This is the one that they are going to perform Y-90 direct radiation treatment on (radioembolization) in the next couple of weeks. <br />
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This Y-90 treatment is the same treatment that I went in to see a doctor about on August of 2011. The same doctor that I am seeing now actually. The same doctor that performed the PET that said "complete remission" although no actual doctor ever said those words to me. I guess that scan reports are not necessarily the gospel.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_cQ6T9lwhJ4cN4D5Btl5klUJdo7gwdpTph4Yfu94OBLSNW3lDHMnN2Rd88I_sTRYPpdAcodSwNnGyzsIMbCQaXlEYZ4zZxEfZxhRmHME2NzhLkJ9xVcVgXZV_TcweCXBhKOND9idT9UQ/s1600/black+hole.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_cQ6T9lwhJ4cN4D5Btl5klUJdo7gwdpTph4Yfu94OBLSNW3lDHMnN2Rd88I_sTRYPpdAcodSwNnGyzsIMbCQaXlEYZ4zZxEfZxhRmHME2NzhLkJ9xVcVgXZV_TcweCXBhKOND9idT9UQ/s400/black+hole.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I call it the "black hole"</td></tr>
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Anyway, my recent scan was not clean. The cancer is growing back and in a brand new spot! At least it is still in my liver and hasn't migrated out to any other organs yet. They say the next typical place for my type of CC to go is in the lungs.... I knew something was up. I was just in too much pain and discomfort recently to feel like I was ok. I kept trying to tell myself that the pain was just the "feeling of healing" but my mind kept wandering to those dark places where I kept my fear. <br />
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Now, let me just say that yes, it sucks. I don't really know how I feel honestly. I am not afraid really, not so much of the cancer anyway, actually I am more afraid of having to get more chemotherapy. I know how bad it is for me. It kills so many good, healthy cells and not enough of the 'confused' ones. I think that it is almost worse in a way because I know exactly what to expect from chemo. I will feel sick all the time. I will walk around taking note of all of the places that I could vomit if I needed to. I will have to pull my car to the side of the road from time to time to throw up. There will be angry, itchy, hot rashes on my face making me look like I am going through puberty all over again. There will be neuropathy in my arms, legs, hands and feet (feels like needles and pins when your not kind of numb feeling). There will be bone pain that feels like growing pains multiplied by 1000. I will lose my memory, concentration, word recognition and ability to make even the smallest of decisions like soup or salad. Small decisions such as these literally sent me into a panic attack last time, freaky huh? More chemo induced menopause complete with hot flashes so severe that I just want to peel my skin off. Sleepless nights jacked up on prednisone, the chemo buzz you get after your last treatment from all of the toxins off gassing, and my favorite, constipation from all of the pharmaceuticals you take to control all of the side effects from the chemo... <br />
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In a way I suppose that knowing what to expect is also good. THIS time I am going to try to prevent some of these nasty side effects because now I know, right? Right. :)<br />
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It is weird. When I was first diagnosed I found my "comfortable" place with my "terminal illness" diagnosis. As I have always said "I make my own statistics" and labels don't apply to me (or you!). After I "killed" so much cancer and had a clean scan I was skeptical. I was happy, but I was also skeptical. I know that cancer is sneaky. It doesn't care that your scan was clean. It just wants to live and grow and grow some more. Like I said, "confused" cells. I don't hate my cancer. To me those cells are as much a part of my body as my nose. They somehow, somewhere along the line got misdirected and confused about what they are supposed to do and how to grow sustainably (hmm...sound familiar?). I wish I could just reach into my liver and cup my hand around my tumor and massage it and give it love and guidance. I actually do this in my mind every day.<br />
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Back to sneaky cells....Having cancer can make one very skeptical of placing too much hope in one thing (like a clean scan). It is like it almost dulls all the senses in a way, at least for me it did. I always take my good health news now with a grain of salt. I am very appreciative of good news and still very happy about it. BUT I feel like I can never ever let my guard down, I have to remain ever vigilant and in tune with my body. I felt like I was doing so much before but now I feel like it obviously wasn't enough and I still need to do more...<br />
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Once again it all comes back to money. <br />
I only really have two choices right now. 1. I do chemo and radiation and continue with my supplements and the multiple other things I do naturally to keep my body as healthy as I can or 2. I don't get chemo and just continue doing what I have been doing which obviously isn't working 100%<br />
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It costs sooo much money to even see a new naturopath and get on a new type of natural therapy such as mistletoe extract or enzyme therapy. It is nearly $20K for the Gerson clinic in Mexico and then you also have to redesign your entire lifestyle after that and have someone to help you out 24-7 which is impossible really (unless you have a partner or spouse who you live with that is willing). My only option really is chemo and radiation. This new tumor is in a bad spot, pushing up on my stomach making things very uncomfortable. IF it grows then we could be looking at even more trouble with blockages etc. My oncologist actually told me that people with blockages usually don't fare well....I have been incredibly lucky so far to not have any blockages. If they saw some small tumors scattered around I wouldn't be feeling so drawn to the toxic treatments. But like last time I feel that this one is a bad mofo and needs to be taken down before it has a chance to do major damage.<br />
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Now if you have been on my blog long enough you know that I really didn't want to do any more chemo. Not just because of the immediate side effects but because of the long term ones like kidney failure and secondary cancers. Kidney failure is NOT on my agenda. I will go out in a pain riddled blaze of glory somewhere beautiful before I will ever be chained to a piece of equipment for the rest of my life. Im selfish like that I guess. The trick is to not get enough chemo to damage the kidneys beyond repair but that is a fine line and yet another fear to place back there in that dark place in the mind.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAVMH8FrglCibw3PwQU-161KFEE004NisYsSJjIObQVjCXl3Ye4lbiX03rLS23J5ItWh7XSAAKOh3i8ZF8-2CMA2G43HmXetHxky2SUVz_o-8CGbSs71CQ1olarfPHLqEkmq2lx3gYq1Y/s1600/happy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAVMH8FrglCibw3PwQU-161KFEE004NisYsSJjIObQVjCXl3Ye4lbiX03rLS23J5ItWh7XSAAKOh3i8ZF8-2CMA2G43HmXetHxky2SUVz_o-8CGbSs71CQ1olarfPHLqEkmq2lx3gYq1Y/s400/happy.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A little message from the Universe to me</td></tr>
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Although you might not really think so after reading this post, I am actually in good spirits. Still smiling and as dorky as always. I figured that I would most likely be getting "maintenance chemo" from time to time but I was hoping that I could put that behind me and not <i>really</i> have to do it. But hey, if life always worked out like we planned then it wouldn't really be all that fulfilling or exciting. One thing is always for certain, there is never a dull moment in the life of The Cancer Assassin :) The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-86294041448187524302013-01-16T12:01:00.003-08:002013-01-16T12:01:45.808-08:00CT Scrutiny Now & ThenI suppose I am impatient. I like to think that I am so much more patient now than I used to be prior to sitting for 6 hours at a time in chemo. Cancer kind of turns you into a "patient" person in so many ways (pun intended).<br />
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Anyway, back to impatience. I suppose I must be a glutton for punishment because I always get a copy of my scan and go straight home and plug it into my computer (or Pew Pew as I affectionately call it) and analyze and scrutinize every little spot from every angle I can, zooming in and out the entire time while adjusting the contrast around. Here is what I saw today.<br />
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These first two pictures are the "worst" looking two angles from my first CT scan back in March of 2010.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyMbG-7Cpo1iECtTT5PwqqXUmM_Zzpsp-kc-CKRHvab762nulOAG5E8ZiYzxkRNWxK_qUErpDM51M4kBDcFEMxqZ9WpVsMHah-s44dtx9DPVbv8x3xQbfH9AVtuVL4AwRhsG7ombfjrZ8/s1600/CT+3:2010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyMbG-7Cpo1iECtTT5PwqqXUmM_Zzpsp-kc-CKRHvab762nulOAG5E8ZiYzxkRNWxK_qUErpDM51M4kBDcFEMxqZ9WpVsMHah-s44dtx9DPVbv8x3xQbfH9AVtuVL4AwRhsG7ombfjrZ8/s400/CT+3:2010.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CT 3/2010</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3GKccqbnnWdlj8VU_NvHFyq5wTbZU5pX95z0_XfZf5Zx7uxLp3Bg30d51MjiDRtvnKqMaloSzpRe8MF2zV3ybTLwLb7jFYwz4aCz-riCaPrqFPo3WvrVDwi_cQMGpJq-bh0YqfR6rJ1U/s1600/CT+3:2010-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3GKccqbnnWdlj8VU_NvHFyq5wTbZU5pX95z0_XfZf5Zx7uxLp3Bg30d51MjiDRtvnKqMaloSzpRe8MF2zV3ybTLwLb7jFYwz4aCz-riCaPrqFPo3WvrVDwi_cQMGpJq-bh0YqfR6rJ1U/s400/CT+3:2010-2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CT 3/2010<br /><div style="text-align: left;">
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These are from today.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitZyqfh79XNOBY-3yMslXIrImDjclRfsNpM69isgiF5X-CNM5CzO7Gqpjr3ElUg2gtfInvThMDwr2FsBGwLMM4IBeIEAaWAL51LtsaOev4QrcvbQl4ZJSTRXBYCtZmFsE_ODJr2_7Rs1s/s1600/CT+1:2013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitZyqfh79XNOBY-3yMslXIrImDjclRfsNpM69isgiF5X-CNM5CzO7Gqpjr3ElUg2gtfInvThMDwr2FsBGwLMM4IBeIEAaWAL51LtsaOev4QrcvbQl4ZJSTRXBYCtZmFsE_ODJr2_7Rs1s/s400/CT+1:2013.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CT 1/2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIF1PHkirzBSD_AQ1_x3g6K8XXrtKO67Q4ohTL9ZuN0Ocknx-pzEMSMpZtX2mzGlF3a0wSfhl-K9nqDubxiAqZBOQpaM-C0O0bGI470AniPIWCAfZGdDlElGBQ6L8RUDDMGDp5_OPuXfo/s1600/CT+1:2013-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIF1PHkirzBSD_AQ1_x3g6K8XXrtKO67Q4ohTL9ZuN0Ocknx-pzEMSMpZtX2mzGlF3a0wSfhl-K9nqDubxiAqZBOQpaM-C0O0bGI470AniPIWCAfZGdDlElGBQ6L8RUDDMGDp5_OPuXfo/s400/CT+1:2013-2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CT 1/2013</td></tr>
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The dark spots are cancer. I adjusted the contrast so that it would be more apparent. As you can see in the first pictures the cancer was not in neat little bundles but spread out all over my liver weaving together making larger tumors in places and otherwise scattered around in little clusters here and there making it impossible to surgically resect.</div>
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Now I know better than to put the cart before the horse AND I am certainly not trained in the art of reading images but to me the pictures from today look a LOT better. It certainly makes one want to get excited doesn't it? Cancer has made me immune to excitement it seems. I hardly ever get excited anymore about stuff like this. I suppose that I may be afraid of getting my hopes up for good news but then finding out that something is wrong (because once again, I am not a doctor and I am just guessing at this point). I bet that most of us cancer "survivors/thrivers" out there feel this way. </div>
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I was just complaining to my girlfriend last night about how much my liver was hurting. It has been killing me lately. For not having any nerve endings in the liver it sure can hurt a lot, weird huh? Then she said to me "hey, pain is just the feeling of healing". I nearly fell over! I LOVE it!! She is the one who first told me that "Cancer Can Suck It" because she was pissed that I had cancer. It has been hard not to think the worst lately because of the pain. Seems like if you are in pain something is wrong to me. But hey, who knows it may just be The Feeling of Healing.<br /><div>
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The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-39397225654940527932013-01-12T09:59:00.000-08:002013-01-12T13:06:55.141-08:00Does your health depend upon your wealth?It most certainly does. Unless you have some phenomenal health insurance that covers supplements, nutritional IV therapy, enzyme therapy, acupuncture, massage, and other related natural, non-toxic, non-pharmaceutical options then your health is dependent upon your finances. <br />
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A few months ago I met someone in Portland (he actually lives less than 3 miles from me) who was recently diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma. His oncologist was my second opinion oncologist. He also sees a naturopath (a different one than mine) to keep himself healthy during chemo (he too is getting the same chemo I got) and to kill cancer the natural way with proven natural therapies. He and I have been comparing notes on our cancer adventures, everything from our differing natural treatments and supplements to our chemo similarities and side effects from it. It has been nice to have someone to talk to who really truly gets it. I know that my friends and family definitely understand that this has been a hard process but unless you are actually going through it yourself or have gone through it you just can't understand what it is like. <br />
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My friend and I ( I wont use his name here in respect for his privacy) have been comparing our expenses lately. We each take handfuls of supplements three or more times every day. We need these because our bodies have been damaged not only from our cancer but from the toxic chemo cocktails that kill good cells, cause kidney damage among a whole host of other organ damage, and can ultimately lead to a high chance of secondary cancers later in life. Supplements are not cheap people. My friend calculated his and they cost him $45 every day! That is $1350 every month or a whopping $16,200 every year! Keep in mind that of course you have to go see the doctor to talk to them about your situation before you even are prescribed the supplements you need. Those visits are NOT paid for by most insurance companies (certainly not MY insurance) and usually cost anywhere from $100-$300 each visit. Now throw in at least one nutritional IV per week (need those too, trust me if you don't get one for a few weeks you start slowing down and feeling horrible) at about $150-$200 each and you have yourself in bankruptcy. <br />
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The only way I was ever able to see a naturopath after my diagnosis was because I had nearly $40K in my savings account at the time. In the first year of treatment I spent every cent of this at my natruopath. Insurance did not cover one penny of any sort of natural treatment or supplement or office visit or blood work. Not one cent. My friend finds himself in the same situation with the difference that he also has a wife and two children. We keep saying the same thing to each other every time we talk.<br />
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"This is not sustainable." </div>
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We both want very much to regain our health and we can both feel that we are making progress toward that goal. We are both very aware of our bodies and their processes and if something is feeling better or worse. His doctor (the natural doc) is very pleased with his progress, as is mine is with my progress. Meanwhile, our oncologists are both doing what they do, which is tap our abdomen, squeeze our legs, ask us how we feel, then send us on our way until the next appointment upon which they will repeat the afore mentioned process. It is like they are just waiting for us to get worse so they can give us more chemo. It's not necessarily their fault, this is what they know. It may be all they know. Even if they did know more about diet and supplements they cannot recommend that you pursue them as a treatment. They could lose their license for that. So they wait for the cancer to come back so they can give chemotherapy which has been proven to be ineffective. Chemo has never cured cancer, it treats it, beats it back for a while and if the cancer does come back it is usually resistant to the previous chemo making it necessary to seek another form of treatment.</div>
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Until I began doing coffee enemas two days ago I had been feeling pretty bad for weeks. My liver had started hurting badly again, so bad sometimes that it would stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. Naturally I have been worrying a bit about scan day. After three coffee enemas I have less pain and I feel much less bloated. Another natural treatment for stimulating the liver and bile and detoxifying dead tumor material out of the liver but did my oncologist ever tell me this? Of course not. This has been used as an effective treatment for over 50 years! But no one can patent it. Chemotherapy costs $5K-$10K each treatment. Insurance covers this. Chemotherapy causes secondary cancers, organ damage and failure, and other problems. Health insurance will cover this too. They will cover your oxycodone, vicodin, prednisone, lorazepam, and hundreds of other pharmaceuticals that cause other health problems but they will not cover a $60 bottle of supplements or IV therapy or even a visit to a natural doctor to find out what you can do for yourself to be healthy so that you never have to rely on pharmaceuticals in the first place. </div>
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Since my liver has been hurting more lately it has gotten me thinking about "what if". What if the scan is bad and the cancer is growing again. What would I do? I know that oncologist would want to get me started on chemo again, but I have decided that I don't want to do that anymore. I barely made it through the last round with my health and sanity still somewhat intact and it has been over a year since my last treatment and I STILL deal with issues from it on a daily basis. Some have gotten better or gone away but some still persist making things like concentrating or organizing thoughts very difficult. I certainly don't want to go through that again. </div>
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This is where the dilemma begins. Insurance only covers chemotherapy and pharmaceuticals. It covers NOTHING at all related to NATURAL MEDICINE. So does this mean that if you have cancer you only get to live or be healthy if you are wealthy? It certainly seems that way to me. Our current system is set up to keep us reliant upon pharmaceuticals even when they are proven to more often do more damage to our bodies than good. I have barely used my insurance at all since I stopped going to chemotherapy. It covers my scans a couple of times a year and the occasional (about once every 4 months) office visits but other than that it does NOTHING for me at all unless I need an emergency room. The redeeming quality is that it does cover teeth cleaning now.</div>
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So where does that leave people like my friend and I? I hope it never comes to this with my friend but I will tell you where it leaves me.</div>
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I go without taking some of my supplements sometimes just to try to make them last longer. I am supposed to be getting nutritional IV's every week but I go every 3-4 weeks just to make them stretch farther because I can't afford to go every week. I might eat out twice a month. With the exception of going skiing once or twice a month, I never go anywhere because leaving my house (unless I go for a walk) always costs money (either gas or whatever it costs where you are going). It isn't easy but it is doable. This is one reason why I will never ever say "no" to a gift card (especially to Trader Joes, Fred Meyer, or Whole Foods, you can find my address near the top of the left column :). Next to natural care, groceries are my largest expense. I am going to make a consultation appointment with my friends naturopath to see what he suggest I do. My friend is on a much different plan than I am in this regards. It is hard for me to get to talk to my natural doc as office visits are expensive. The natural treatment that my friend is on are much different than mine and I think it would be worth me exploring other options toward health, especially IF the scan is bad news.</div>
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In the beginning I worked like a crazed madwoman trying to save my ass...some of the things that used to be crazy are now coming more routine and easy and more like the "norm". After quitting chemo I felt like I needed a break from so much commotion. Now I feel like I have been sitting on my laurels for too long. I guess it was my liver hurting a lot to make me really realize that I need to begin another phase in my healing journey. It is like it was pushing me into new territory. I know that in comparison to some it seems like I do a lot to keep myself healthy and it is true. It is pretty much a full time job that always requires attention. But like I said, some things you get used to. I feel like I need to be doing more to help myself, especially since the doctors aren't. Hey, I'm not their only patient and besides I have no money to grease the gears. It has been a long, long time since anyone really did a thorough check up on me, ran blood tests, looked for cancer markers of all kinds (not just the unreliable CA19-9 test or an unreliable CT scan) and started finding more angles to approach some cancer assassination, detoxification and ultimately wonderful, blissful health! </div>
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The only problem is that insurance does not cover this. So that is the story. It would appear that you only get to be healthy if you have enough money to do so in our society today. Why are things like milk thistle, green tea extract, and vitamins not covered by insurance? Why? Why can't we prevent sickness and illness instead of throwing drugs at them when we become ill? Doesn't it make more sense to cover a few hundred dollars in supplements and natural therapy than hundreds of thousands in pharmaceuticals? Why are we treating sickness instead of promoting health?</div>
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My friend and I would like to know. If anyone could figure this out before we are bankrupt and out on the streets it would be nice.</div>
The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-58474627300856373162012-11-27T13:25:00.005-08:002012-11-27T13:39:06.207-08:00Supplements...Why they are good for me and maybe you too.<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvX0w7WfffrbC7vwNhp9ruffXqzsUU_82YB7jB6_v9d6OvEVegF7OGN_rTyz6O7VdlFmuzreIMc4eurQe9P5t-QcLid8Fb5Swa9NNax4EjOXd1rsHEDwf9Vvsv1wPNXPBiaVGsjQAcqcg/s1600/IMG_6405.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvX0w7WfffrbC7vwNhp9ruffXqzsUU_82YB7jB6_v9d6OvEVegF7OGN_rTyz6O7VdlFmuzreIMc4eurQe9P5t-QcLid8Fb5Swa9NNax4EjOXd1rsHEDwf9Vvsv1wPNXPBiaVGsjQAcqcg/s320/IMG_6405.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
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I have been a getting neglectful about taking my supplements lately. Over the summer last year I was really nauseous from just about everything and I began taking less supplements since I didn't want to sacrifice them to the porcelain god (nothing stayed down and let's face it, they cost a lot of money). This kind of ended up turning into a habit that led me to the point of forgetting (a lot) to take my supplements, well, that and they are expensive because I take a lot. I have been doing that with another medicine I take on a daily basis as well, my <a href="http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/#How_does_LDN_work_"><b>LDN</b></a>, but I was reminded recently by one of my angels that I shouldn't be doing that. It's weird how the universe works, just when I was reminded about slacking on the supplements my nurse calls and reminds me how important taking my LDN and <a href="http://curezone.com/diseases/cancer/urea.asp"><b>UREA</b></a> every day are. Of course she called under the pretense of wanting to update my current medical chart and to verify what I was taking. She is sneaky, lovey like that. She calls me Sugarbuttons. I love her!<br />
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I am reminding myself of how important it is to take my supplements by posting about them here on my blog. I get a lot of questions about the supplements I take and I thought that as long as I am reminding myself of how important it is to take them I would share that information with you all too. After all, that is partly why this blog is here so you don't have to do all that research or at least so that it can give you a good starting point for finding more good stuff.<br />
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I have decided that the best way to remind myself about the importance of these supplements is to research the beneficial properties (and those specifically related to cancer) of each and every one. If it is one that has multiple ingredients such as Liver Support, then I will explore each ingredient. I have been learning a lot! Don't get me wrong, my <a href="http://myctm.org/new/"><b>naturopath</b></a> has told me why these are important but a) I forgot, b) there are a lot, and c) why not learn more? Instead of just blindly taking my supplements I will know just exactly how good they are for me each time I swallow one and I can be mindful about sending them on their way to do their job in my body.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-z0oqSKNaB2hc69ccu-YqCtIpHI2hVYd9ifh5Iin3jhoRw3FS8GELp8slF5UGgHrr2Vm9HSpt01FxWSxUyuxFBVLEhxoJcBkIOAWnCW28Wgx_h_HG5RINh3-WMOLyx2vdvV2TqQHox0/s1600/supplement+basket.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-z0oqSKNaB2hc69ccu-YqCtIpHI2hVYd9ifh5Iin3jhoRw3FS8GELp8slF5UGgHrr2Vm9HSpt01FxWSxUyuxFBVLEhxoJcBkIOAWnCW28Wgx_h_HG5RINh3-WMOLyx2vdvV2TqQHox0/s320/supplement+basket.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my supplement basket</td></tr>
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I take a lot and instead of bombarding you (and me) with all of them at once I will break them down into smaller groups. On the list today are Green Tea Extract, Quercetin, Curamed, Vit D3, and Shark Liver Oil. You can find almost every one of these on Amazon but I will provide the link to the exact brand I take if I can.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.vitalnutrients.net/Products/Product.aspx?ID=69">Green Tea Extract</a></b><br />
Green tea extract has all kinds of good stuff in it called flavonoids. <a href="http://lpi.oregonstate.edu/f-w00/flavonoid.html"><b>Flavonoids</b></a> have antiviral, anti-inflammatory, anti-allergic, anti-tumor, and antioxidant properties. They protect cells against cellular damage such as cancer, aging, atherosclerosis, inflammation, and neurodegenerative diseases. You can find flavonoids in apple skins, blueberries, broccoli, cabbage, capers, onions, strawberries, red grapes, red wine and tea. <a href="http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/quercetin-000322.htm">Quercetin</a> (found in fruits, veggies and onions) is one of the most potent flavonoids and is great for many things (I will cover this later). I take 1 cap/2x day.<br />
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<b><u><a href="http://www.vitalnutrients.net/Products/Product.aspx?ID=125">Quercetin</a></u></b><br />
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As I mentioned above quercetin is one of the most potent flavonoids. Studies show that quercetin is great defense against allergies, asthma, heart disease, high cholesterol, RA, bladder pain or bladder infections, prostate inflammation, and cancer. I take 1 cap/3x day.</div>
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<b><u><a href="http://www.terrynaturallyvitamins.com/products/curamed-750-mg/">CuraMed</a></u></b></div>
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This contains both micronized curcumin (for better absorption) and turmeric essential oil and phospholipids which make up the construction of cell membranes. <a href="http://www.canceractive.com/cancer-active-page-link.aspx?n=1571"><b>Curcumin</b></a> is great for your intestines and digestion, has anti-inflammatory properties, boosts cellular gluatathione levels, prevents liver damage, detoxifies the liver, and helps keep the liver healthy during chemotherapy and cancer treatments, and it can help prevent and treat cancer. I take 2 caps/3x day.</div>
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<b><u><a href="http://www.vitalnutrients.net/Products/Product.aspx?ID=158">Vitamin D3</a></u></b></div>
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I had no idea that vitamin D was so great for you. <a href="http://www.canceractive.com/cancer-active-page-link.aspx?n=509"><b>Vitamin D</b></a> promotes intestinal calcium and phosphorus absorption, supports cardiovascular function, colon health, and general cellular support and is well known to <a href="http://www.canceractive.com/cancer-active-page-link.aspx?n=509">kill cancer by causing apoptosis</a> (cell death). I take 1 cap/day.</div>
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<b><u><a href="http://scandinavianformulas.com/sharkliver250.html">Shark Liver Oil</a></u></b></div>
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I think that this one surprised me the most. I think I just assumed that since it was liver oil it must be good for my liver and never questioned why but wow this one is great! <b><a href="http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/pharmacologicalandbiologicaltreatment/shark-liver-oil">Shark liver oil</a> </b>boosts the immune system, fights infections, heals wounds, treats cancer, and lessens the effects of conventional cancer treatments making it great for anyone going through chemotherapy or trying to get over chemotherapy side effects. Shark liver oil contains <b><a href="http://www.aminoacidbotanicalandsupplementsource.net/alkyl_info.htm">alkylglycerols</a></b> which kill indirectly kill cancer cells by activating the immune system. <a href="http://orthomolecular.org/library/jom/1994/pdf/1994-v09n02-p095.pdf">Alkylglycerols</a> are found in mother's milk as well as certain class of fish called elasmobranch which are distinctive for their gill structure. The alkylglycerols stimulate the bone marrow cells to make white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets making it great once again for those of us who have low blood counts and leucopoenia. I take 2 tabs/3x day...right now I am out so this is on my supplement <b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/3A2XN4O4FP6U1/ref=cm_wl_act_vv?_encoding=UTF8&reveal=&visitor-view=1">wish list</a>. </b></div>
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I am so glad that I decided to take a closer look at my supplements and get myself reacquainted with them again. It is less of a burden to take so many pills knowing that they are so good for you! It certainly makes them easier to swallow. To see my entire supplement list during and after chemo please check my recent post <a href="http://thecancerassassin.blogspot.com/2012/04/questions-answered.html">Questions Answered</a>. And as always please seek professional advice preferably from a naturopath or other natural doctor before taking supplements willy nilly please.</div>
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The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-62536443528691625622012-11-13T09:21:00.000-08:002012-11-13T09:21:38.104-08:00Giving Thanks. What a difference a year can make!I have been doing some reflecting these past weeks. Thinking about what was going on this time last year and how much things have changed since then. There is a lot to be thankful for.<br />
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At this time last year I was living with my ex. His sister and her family (her husband, a 2 year old, and a 2 month old) had been staying with us indefinitely. They weren't helping out with the household finances in any way. If anything they were using way to much water (washing the coffee pot out for 20 minutes at a time), generating too much garbage (one entire kitchen sized bag every day), sneaking alcohol into the house (someone was an alcoholic), and in general causing a lot of problems for my boyfriend and I. I remember all of the fights and anger, all the tiptoeing around everyone. I chose to take the upstairs room as my escape from all the noise and drama unfolding downstairs. My ex was hardly ever home as he was in school at the time and when he was not in class or studying he was at the bar escaping the situation. Lets just say that things in our home were not happy in the slightest way. I am not one to keep my opinions to myself for very long, especially when the situation is not improving and even more so if it is going on in my home. I voiced my opinion on many occasions, nicely at first then as time went on I became more vocal and more pissed off at the situation. I felt it was horribly disrespectful to have an entire family living with us, a family with two small children and an alcoholic. A family where no one was seriously trying to get a job or help out with anything at all. I made enemies not only out of my boyfriends family, but by this time my boyfriend hated me too. He couldn't understand how I could be so cold toward his sister and her family. I was pissed that I had liver cancer and somehow it was ok to just sit and watch an alcoholic destroy their family and my relationship. No one else seemed to care. Boyfriend just went off to the bar, and I was the one who was being the bitch. Who cared if I was in chemotherapy at the time? Who cared that I only weighed about 108 pounds and came home from chemo feeling like a train just ran over me? Who cared that my brain felt like it was melting out of my ears and that I was an emotional wreck? Who cared that I actually felt like I could die at any given moment? Certainly not my boyfriend or his family.<br />
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Shortly before Thanksgiving last year boyfriends sister and family finally left us. It wasn't their decision, it all came down because the alcoholism could no longer be swept under the rug. Everyone's nerves were finally tested to their limits. I was overjoyed that I could finally get some peace and quiet and that I didn't have to hide myself or my food from anyone. I was elated that I could finally feel at home in my home and that I wasn't exiled to the attic anymore. I was excited that boyfriend and I could get to work on mending those connections that were severed due to family drama. I left for Seattle so that bf's family could pack in peace and so that bf could spend a little more "quality" time with them without me around. It took a week for them to be gone. I waited anxiously to return to a quiet home, I was so looking forward to having bf all to myself. I wasn't really prepared for what happened upon my arrival.<br />
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I came walking through the door to find bf in his usual spot parked on the sofa watching sports (any sport would do) and playing solitaire on his computer. This didn't surprise me at all as this was the norm in our house. I expected that he would be excited to see me and excited that we had our home back, drama free. He would barely even look at me. I knew something was wrong so I approached him and asked point blank what it was. This is when he told me that he blamed me for everything that went wrong with his sister and their family. He told me that I was the one who was unreasonable and that I handled the entire situation badly. He didn't know if he could be with someone who treated his family in the way I did. Apparently I was supposed to be ok with being exiled to the attic where I couldn't even stand up. Apparently I was supposed to be alright with not even feeling comfortable in my own home, not being able to cook meals without a 2 year old "helping" me, ok with the mounting pile of water and utility bills. I was apparently supposed to be ok with having an alcoholic living under my roof (quite ironic really considering I have liver cancer). Apparently I was supposed to just let it slide and accept that I had to live with all of this while fighting for my life, and while approaching 2 years of chemotherapy. He was mad at me, very mad. My illusion of things returning to normal around the house was shattered. I had been thinking about moving out of the house for a while (ever since sister showed up) and this new situation only hastened that process. I called my mom for advice. She knew everything that had been happening. We made plans. She came down to Portland, forgoing our family tradition of Thanksgiving at my gramma's house in Olympia. We spent Thanksgiving packing and moving most of my belongings into a storage unit in Portland. I had no where to live but I knew I needed to get out of the house and out of the current situation. How can someone heal when there is nothing but negativity, animosity, anger, resentment, and bad energy surrounding them at all times? My mom came to Portland nearly every week to help me deal with my situation. By December 10th I was out of bf's home. I had no where to go at the time and felt so alone that I did not even ask any of my friends if I could stay with them. I didn't want to subject them to my drama, nor did I expect anyone to have to put up with my aging kitty who doesn't like to use her litter box anymore in her old age. What did I do? My mom bought me the Christmas present of a week in a nearby hotel. I couldn't leave for Seattle right away as I had a lot of doctors appointments for both my cat and myself coming up, so I had to stay in town. I spent 7 nights at a cheap motel, but at least I was alone and not having to deal with drama. My things were scattered between a storage unit, my aunts house in WA, and at bf's house. I had my cat and a couple of duffel bags of clothes. It was at this time I decided to stop my chemo treatments. I literally felt like they were killing me. Every time I got chemo I could literally feel my brain cells popping in my head. My eyes hurt from the toxic fumes off gassing from my body. I could smell the chemo, I could taste it, I could feel it eating away at my body. I was a complete an utter mess from the inside out. I was so deflated and felt so abandoned and alone. When all of the appointments were over I packed up the car with duffles, kitty, and kitty supplies and made the drive to Seattle not knowing what was going to happen next. I notified bf (we were still trying to make things work at this point) that we would not be spending Christmas together and spent the next couple of weeks sleeping on my mom's sofa in her apartment in Seattle. During that time I was notified that an apartment in government housing came up for me. The day after Christmas my mom and aunt helped me pack up and gather some of my things from storage and we moved me into a tiny (325sq/ft) studio in the most disgusting building I had ever seen. The day was a giant blur. Drive 3 hours from Seattle with a diabetic, aging cat. We crammed some of my belongings into the tiny space. I said goodbye to my mom and aunt as they both had to work the next day. Then I was left alone in my new space. I got asked if I wanted to buy drugs by one of the tenants and was informed that I could find any drug I wanted at this new home of mine. I was appalled! I felt so alone and abandoned. I quite seriously contemplated throwing myself in front of a bus. Everything felt like it was it was being ripped apart at the seems and I did not see how in the world I was going to make it. I really tried to find the bright spot but everything was so dark. In the prior weeks I kept saying that I needed to get out of my situation at my home and that I just need somewhere, anywhere to live other than that house filled with bad energy. I got exactly what I asked for. A place to live, any place. I guess I needed to be more specific :)<br />
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It has been a year now since all of this drama was so ever present and unavoidable in my life. A lot has happened in the past 365 days. I had hit the bottom, rock bottom, yet I still felt like the bottom kept falling out from under me. I decided to try to make my world better. I started focusing on exactly what I wanted and made notes to the universe telling it exactly what I needed to begin healing in every way. I focused all of my energy on eating healthy, making juices, and finding a new apartment that was not so scary or dirty. In two and a half months I found this new place, the place I am in now. It is so much healthier and better than the last place. I don't get solicited for drugs, my neighbors are very nice and I have actually made friends in the building. I have more than one room to occupy and 225 more square feet to do it in. I even have a little patio. My cat is feeling much better too. Shortly before I moved out of bf's house the vet told me that she was having thyroid issues (more medication, more $ out of my pocket). She was not feeling good at that time at all. I think it was mostly due to the stress of the living situation. She has always picked up on my stress. She runs and hides at the sound of an F-bomb. She knows when I am not happy. Even though she has thyroid issues on top of being diabetic, my cat is so much happier now as am I. <br />
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It has nearly been an entire year since my last chemo treatment. In some ways it feels like it was just last week and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. My liver still hurts, not as bad or as often as it did while I was getting chemo so for that I am thankful. I still have chemo brain and neuropathy, but again, not as bad as it was a year ago. I have gained weight (and now it is time to stop) and muscle mass, and hair back and that is a good thing. There is one other thing too.<br />
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For the very first time in my entire life I am completely happy to be alone and not in a relationship with a man. Now I have said this before, halfheartedly, trying to pump myself up after getting out of a bad relationship with someone, trying to tell myself that I did not want to be in a relationship and that I was taking time for myself. I am sure we have all been there at some point. Trying to spend our time on ourselves rather than on a failing relationship. But this is actually the first time in my 41 years of life that I truly mean it. I am so glad that I don't need to tiptoe around someone. I am so glad that I don't have to feel like I am constantly doing something wrong or wonder why someone is mad at me. I don't have to sit and pretend that I enjoy watching sports just to spend some time with someone even though they are just ignoring me anyway and playing solitaire on the computer. I am so glad that my evenings out to dinner don't require that I go to a bar and eat horrible bar food while sitting there watching my significant other get wasted. I am so glad that I have a clean, healthy, drug free, bed bug free, quiet, cigarette smokeless, drama free roof over my head. I am so thankful to all of my friends and family who helped me get to this point as it has not been an easy path. I am incredibly thankful that my cancer has not grown as of the last scan I had and hopeful that January's scan will show the same results. I am thankful that I am comfortable enough with myself and that I love myself enough to take care of me, that I was strong enough to be able to remove myself from a relationship that at first I thought was the best ever, but only ended up being one of the worst ever. I am thankful that even though my last relationship was riddled with problems and dotted with disappointments that I can still find the lesson in it and not carry the negativity around with me letting it cloud my expectations or desires of the next one in my life. I am so incredibly thankful that I find enough value in myself to love myself, be good to myself, treat my body and my soul right and not to blame myself for what is not "right" in my life but to focus on all that is right with the world. I am thankful to be able to share my experience with others and to be able to help in any small way I can. I am thankful to be alive and still functioning even after such a grim prognosis no so long ago. I am so happy to have my father living closer to me and that my relationships with my mom and dad are so much better, with more feelings, forgiveness, understanding and love than they have ever been before (thanks cancer). I am also very thankful that the same can be said about my friendships too. I love all of my friends so much. I am thankful that my first reaction is love and not anger and that I am holding no resentment inside towards anyone anymore. <br />
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There is so much to be thankful for, so much, including all of you out there reading this. As this year comes to a close and the new one begins let us all find it in our hearts to love ourselves and feel good about who we are. Once we find it within to love ourselves we are able to love others without limit. We will begin treating each other with more respect and grace, we will not have room in our hearts for hatred for it will be filled with joy and gratitude instead. Our world will reflect our attitudes and we will attract more love into our lives and who could argue with that.<br />
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It is amazing the difference one year can make.The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-13352039425785240632012-10-24T12:20:00.002-07:002012-10-26T07:01:04.496-07:00I'm not complaining. Ok, maybe a little bit.Oh where to start...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTCQCOs6AYYkAsyhyphenhyphencINDxgjEMy8sepZKkuGjLP2b6hXnJCxSGe84K3rg-DTttt2mGflRp1jUxtQQRfKCFlRsfE-bL5yljBfWkczuq1RkBexqS78rhSBPUOnBEAmPevm1IchqOAan6YNE/s1600/IMG_8507.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTCQCOs6AYYkAsyhyphenhyphencINDxgjEMy8sepZKkuGjLP2b6hXnJCxSGe84K3rg-DTttt2mGflRp1jUxtQQRfKCFlRsfE-bL5yljBfWkczuq1RkBexqS78rhSBPUOnBEAmPevm1IchqOAan6YNE/s320/IMG_8507.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fall Colors on the Angel's Rest Trail</td></tr>
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I have been keeping some things to myself lately, mostly because I wasn't really sure how I felt about them, and partly because I really don't want to complain. I mean really, what do I have to complain about? I am alive. I am much healthier than I was no so long ago. I don't have to get chemotherapy every other week. I can think much clearer than at the beginning of the year. I don't have the gigantic emotional tsunamis washing over me every time I turn around. I am in a much better living situation in a clean, subsidized apartment with nice neighbors. I finally have gotten rid of all of the drama in my life from a very unhealthy relationship and that feels really good. I have been realistic in my expectations of how long it will take to get over chemotherapy side effects by not expecting to automatically rebound back into full blown life yet by setting achievable goals and realistic expectations of myself and knowing my physical, mental and emotional boundaries. It has been feeling great to volunteer and give back to the world without having to commit to 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, something I know would simply not be feasible at this point. I have been spending a lot of time with my family and my friends which feels wonderful. I have also been spending time on me, detoxing with baths, juice, dry brushing, rebounding, eating well, avoiding chemicals, processed foods and other toxins, hiking, climbing, and other forms of exercise, trying to get my RBC, WBC, platelets, neutrophils and other blood counts back into the normal range. It all sounds pretty good huh? So what's bothering me? I think I may have some of it figured out. I also think I need to make an appointment with a professional therapist or survivor group just to get this verbally out into the universe and to get some non-biased feedback from someone who does not know me. <br />
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I was perusing some sites today, trying to pinpoint exactly what has been bugging me. It is actually not one single thing I discovered, but a multitude of things stemming from one cause. <br />
Drumroll please......CANCER<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi510QOoTPQ24l9XhriddrYmOUSL1Ow0_rWJhfpGygGh30Nv3KPe6kcod-P_wcOYZOF5NoQv894tenKJFk_IjyHvqNJD5PkWqKdLjqrw4_ruELqf2ZnELV7LzZ2_j-j3GyZ1hyphenhyphenb9iIBhTk/s1600/IMG_8313.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi510QOoTPQ24l9XhriddrYmOUSL1Ow0_rWJhfpGygGh30Nv3KPe6kcod-P_wcOYZOF5NoQv894tenKJFk_IjyHvqNJD5PkWqKdLjqrw4_ruELqf2ZnELV7LzZ2_j-j3GyZ1hyphenhyphenb9iIBhTk/s320/IMG_8313.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A fitting metaphor</td></tr>
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I have been feeling somewhat depressed for a while now. Ok, before you get the impression that I am ready to toss myself in front of a bus let me explain. When I was diagnosed I was in shock at first, not wanting to even tell anyone because I didn't want to be handled with kid gloves. A very short while later I decided that I was going to rally and tell the world, bring it to everyones attention that this young, active, healthy individual was just diagnosed with an extensive terminal illness. I wanted to share my research on how to be even healthier with everyone so that they might not have to ever get the "you've got cancer" speech from their doctor. I rallied hard. I went through nearly 2 years of chemotherapy, all the while getting nutritional IV's to counter as many of the nasty side effects of chemo that I could. I changed my diet, my lifestyle, took control of my health, saw a doctor on a weekly (sometimes more) schedule and did everything that I could to be proactive with regards to my health and wellbeing. I had a huge network of friends and family to give me encouragement and support. Nearly a year ago I decided against my oncologists advisement to stop my chemo treatments. They were just becoming too much for me to handle and I felt like I was really coming apart physically, mentally, emotionally and in every way. I literally felt like they were killing me and everyone else noticed too. Since quitting chemo I have been slowly pulling all the little pieces back into place, leaving the ones out that no longer serve me and substituting better ones. I have gone from seeing my oncologist every month, to every other month, to once in 4 months, and now I am at the point of getting another scan in January to check out what is going on inside of me. This feels very unusual. I was tossed into a tornado of doctors, scans, IV's, port placement surgery, biopsies, mammograms, blood draws, medical bills, nurses, oncologists, financial counselors, medicaid, naturopaths, and somehow I was still keeping up in grad school, putting dinner on the table every night, doing all of the grocery shopping, cleaning the house, driving myself to my chemotherapy/naturopath appointments, keeping track of all of my records, and all the rest of life. Now I go see my oncologist...I'm in there for about 5 minutes trying to tell him all kinds of stuff (why does my liver hurt more now? why do I itch like crazy when my skin isn't dry? why don't I have my female cycle anymore? why do I have absolutely no sex drive what so ever? why am I so tired all of the time? why am I so sensitive to noise or smells? when do we do more liver enzyme tests?). As you can see I most likely drive him crazy. He doesn't have these answers, no one really does. I feel like the whirlwind of treatment and hustling to beat down the tumors is over and that I am left with debris everywhere to pick up and piece back together again.<br />
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I have been asked by some "Hey, you aren't getting treatment anymore so that means you can re-enter the work force again, right?" <br />
How about if I were to ask this, "Hey, the tornado is gone and your house is leveled to the ground so you are going to move back in though, right?"<br />
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It isn't that easy. I wish it were. But if everything were just that easy then it wouldn't be worth fighting for would it? <br />
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It is pretty awakening to find out just how close death can be. Once you are told that you could die soon you realize just how much of an emotional burden this is to carry around with you. Believe me I think about it every single day and appreciate just how fragile life is. It is traumatic! Adjusting to that at first was all about fighting for my life. I have put many days into this fight and am now emerging from the wreckage with most of myself still intact sorting through it all, piecing things back together little by little, slowly but surely getting there bit by bit. The emotional roller coaster doesn't have as many loops, twists and turns as it once did but it is still a ride.<br />
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Fatigue has been a common companion for years now. The fatigue brought on by chemo was debilitating but I powered through a lot of it by refusing to let it limit my life to my bed or sofa. I still went skiing, hiking, climbing and did the things I loved. My attitude was that if I might die it will be in the woods doing something I love and not in a bed hooked up to an IV. This is also what kept things real for me. Being outside has always been my favorite form of meditation, soul searching and head clearing. Now fatigue still haunts me but in a different way. Not so much in the way that I am physically slammed and glued to my bed or sofa although that happens about once a week still too. More so in the way that comes and goes unexpectedly. There are sometimes days on end where I am feeling pretty good overall and one day I hit the wall and am slumbering all day long with not even enough energy to cook a meal (can you say smoothie). Some days I feel good, the next day bad. There are days when I feel good for half the day and crappy for the other half. It is really a mixed bag. You never know what is going to happen. I have been learning to just cope with it and not to feel bad if I didn't get to whatever it was I had planned to do that day.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrV1X03zBpaOIguKBPa10g3fJl5_PR_TJYO_WhGxmFidNred4vKEsAyaYHJVPjb1nwulOSCSgubGGMeJSGLeD3jwMx_kBG-DDw7-daBShvXIItpb325wEK6CT7ECw913NbXcEj5akJZT8/s1600/IMG_8482.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrV1X03zBpaOIguKBPa10g3fJl5_PR_TJYO_WhGxmFidNred4vKEsAyaYHJVPjb1nwulOSCSgubGGMeJSGLeD3jwMx_kBG-DDw7-daBShvXIItpb325wEK6CT7ECw913NbXcEj5akJZT8/s320/IMG_8482.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The simple pleasures in life</td></tr>
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To look at me one would most likely never know that I even <strike>have </strike>had cancer (it's still there but last I heard it was still dead so I am sticking with HAD). This makes for some very unusual and sometimes awkward situations. The other day I was volunteering at an event and all of the sudden I had excruciating pain in my liver that took my breath away and stopped me in my tracks. I just stood there clutching my side not knowing what to do or what it meant. Luckily it passed and I didn't have to make an excuse to leave the event. Just because I look "normal" doesn't mean that I feel normal or that everything is normal. Just because I am not getting toxic chemotherapy does not mean that I am now cured or that I am feeling awesome or that everything just can happily go back to the way things were pre-cancer. If anything I am more on my own than I have ever been. I am not taking pharmaceuticals so that means I don't go see a doctor who wants to monitor anything anymore, meaning that I have to be receptive and responsive to my own body and what it is telling me about my state of health. It means I have to be extra vigilant about my diet, exposure to toxins, exercise, sleep and over all health. It means I need to listen to my body when it tells me it is at its limits instead of sucking it up and pushing through anyway. It means that I have to be on top of my natural care and keep getting nutritional IV's (I can't get high dose vitamin C IV's anymore which are known to kill cancer, as they are just too expensive), taking my supplements, and doing everything I can in order to avoid ever having to be faced with making a decision about chemotherapy again. To hear me talk you would not think that I am struggling with money, or pain, or health, or neuropathy. I don't usually talk about those things unless I am prodded some. When someone asks me how I am doing/feeling I will say that "I feel great" or that "I am doing really good" and that is not a lie. I am. I feel much better than I did 1 or 2 years ago, and I am alive and still in good spirits, able to love and laugh and see the beauty in every single day. So overall, what do I really have to complain about? Let's see: fatigue, lack of mental clarity/focus, chronic pain, neuropathy, financial stress (still living on $7/day), worry about the future/cancer recurrence/secondary cancers, lack of concentration, paying for treatments not covered by insurance, people thinking things are great and back to normal now that chemotherapy is over, how to move on to a new normal when you don't even know what normal is or if you even want "normal" anymore anyway...what if "normal" is what contributed to getting cancer in the first place?<br />
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I am giving myself a present. I am giving myself time to fight my cancer and time to heal from it. I am so happy to be able to give thanks for all of the things in my life that are so good and right and healthy and loving instead of only seeing what is wrong or what I am missing because of my situation. I am choosing to focus on everything good and put my attention and energy there so that I get good in return. The very day I was diagnosed I remember sitting in my back yard watching the trees and birds and thinking to myself "I may never see this again" and then instantly thinking to myself "NO! I will <i>never</i> see this again because this is one moment in my life and it has no equal." This is when I changed my thought process from <i>what I might not get to have/do</i> to focusing on <i>everything that I do have and can do</i>. This is another reason why it was so hard for me to write this post today. It is why I have been kind of quiet on my blog for a while. I really feel like I have no right to complain about anything, even though life is still quite the struggle. I am not one to complain, especially since my perspective has been changed so drastically. Today I had to get it out. It felt like the thing to do.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Sgae_Ms8F_ZUvro2RDaCSiaWSUEe63_HWFDCgmbNITFvfTwhkgdiuq9UPKWP0aQ16M8aeTaoecBdegp33lwrr8ls6Zb1HGG-ZTW2CVjXV1e2N4puOmz3Vh_XRR2djLWajkVz-1iXZEw/s1600/IMG_8561.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Sgae_Ms8F_ZUvro2RDaCSiaWSUEe63_HWFDCgmbNITFvfTwhkgdiuq9UPKWP0aQ16M8aeTaoecBdegp33lwrr8ls6Zb1HGG-ZTW2CVjXV1e2N4puOmz3Vh_XRR2djLWajkVz-1iXZEw/s320/IMG_8561.jpg" width="240" /></a>In the meantime I am continuing to volunteer at various places, getting my feet wet again so to speak so I am prepared for a full time job when I have the opportunity and ability. I am looking forward to ski season and getting to use my awesome birthday/early Christmas present from my mom and dad of a midweek pass to my favorite local mountain. I get out and hike as much as I can when I can (even in the rain) when I feel good, fresh air is medicine for my soul. I don't leave my house much except to occasionally meet a friend for tea or to see family as every time I leave my house it costs money (either money for gas to get there or money for wherever you go) and living on $7 a day will quickly teach you how to become self entertaining and resourceful and that staying home is often the best entertainment. I continue to make mobiles to help pay for medical expenses at my naturopath and for a little extra gas money so if you want one please let me know. They make great Christmas presents (hint, hint) :)<br />
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Here is a great article about <a href="http://www.nccn.com/life-after-cancer/1707.html">cancer survivorship and issues cancer survivors face</a>. Many of these really hit a chord in me. It felt good to find a sort of validation for the many feelings I have been having both emotionally and physically. You may find some enlightenment in it as well.<br />
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I have also been thinking a lot about self love lately. Doesn't it make sense that if we loved ourselves more, we would make better choices about our health/food/life etc, be nicer and more loving toward other people and animals and to our environment, ultimately leading to a shift in consciousness that could radiate out and become a revolution? The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1132534909611639966.post-70461911308144806782012-09-26T07:25:00.002-07:002012-09-26T07:41:08.310-07:00Bassackwards! Something has to change!I woke up in a foul mood this morning.<br />
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I feel like my body has been trying to fight off some sort of crud (other than the "normal" detoxing dead tumor material from my liver crud) lately. On Sunday and Monday I slept for 31 out of 48 hours...mostly on the sofa. I can't sleep on my bed it seems. Years ago when I was in crippling pain from two bulging discs in my lower back I purchased one of those memory foam mattresses. At the time it was great for my back. Ever since I got chemo it has been my nemesis. It is waaay to hot. I can never get comfortable, can't seem to sleep for more than an hour or two at best without flopping around like a fish out of water. So I get up and head back to the sofa to try to get some precious sleep. Sleep is our bodies chance to recover and heal. My liver has been hurting a lot lately. I am assuming it is because I just can't sleep. If I'm not sleeping then my body never has a chance to repair the damage done by the cancer and the chemotherapy. Maybe that is why my liver hurts a little more and more each day and I know for certain that is why I woke up in a foul mood today. It is irritating to not be able to do the most basic of functions like sleep. When I was getting chemo I couldn't sleep because I had horrible hot flashes. I would go to bed freezing (mostly because my boyfriend at the time was too cheap to turn the heat in the drafty, moist house up past 62 degrees) wake up slimy and covered in sweat and feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin only to start freezing all over again. Pulling wet sheets over a wet, sweaty body is not fun. This would go on in a cyclic manner throughout the night about every two hours or so. It was certainly no fun.<br />
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I take LDN (low dose naltrexone) prescribed by my naturopath as a preventative cancer measure. LDN has been proven in studies to help boost the immune system and kill cancer throughout the body. It has no real horrible side effects like chemotherapy but it does come with the possible side effect of sleeplessness and vivid freaky dreams or nightmares. Both of those side effects are what I experience every time I lay down to sleep. Toss the combination of the uber hot mattress into the mix and you end up with one very unhappy camper.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My prayer quilt</td></tr>
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Last night was no different. I was looking forward to sleeping, especially since I have been seemingly so good at it the past few days. But the sandman did not pay me a visit last night. I fell asleep in front of the tv last night on the sofa. Woke up at 2am and promptly went to bed (after popping my LDN of course). About half an hour later I was tossing and turning. I pushed my pillow off to the side and slept without one. I turned over and over trying to find the spot where I would be comfortable enough to fall asleep. At 3:30 I decided to get up and try the sofa...after laying there for about half an hour I finally found sleep. Horrray! Then an hour later I woke up to my cat puking then walking over me trying to tell me that it was time for breakfast (only a few hours early). I got irritated and decided to head back to the bedroom. Nice try! As I picked up my favorite quilt (made by one of my grad school friends just for me when I was first diagnosed) I felt a wet spot on my hand. Yay! My cat decided to poop on me while I was sleeping. So here I am at 4am cleaning poop off of my hand and off of my favorite quilt all the while being irritated that I can't sleep and perturbed that my cat decided to have a bowel movement on me while I was getting what little sleep I could find. Not a good start to the day.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWqRPpR0q7DoOY6QL5A7hAGrII8c4maJj8_3pLU1iSBx3L7TjE3-iamGJojNyeafRBGgTMJ4wnvc0XIBeFizs9kcfMIrZy8dSv158b-e9NrAxnDqljTv1aHSQy83HjrynoHGnSCAlAGk0/s1600/1483037699_21becff487.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWqRPpR0q7DoOY6QL5A7hAGrII8c4maJj8_3pLU1iSBx3L7TjE3-iamGJojNyeafRBGgTMJ4wnvc0XIBeFizs9kcfMIrZy8dSv158b-e9NrAxnDqljTv1aHSQy83HjrynoHGnSCAlAGk0/s320/1483037699_21becff487.jpg" width="263" /></a>My liver has been hurting more and more lately. It pretty much always hurts some but lately it has been very noticeable. My last visit to the oncologist was back in July. It was pretty ordinary. Lay back on the paper covered exam table, he feels my liver for about 5 seconds then says "You're doing great, come back in 4 months". This is a typical visit. So my next appointment is the day before my birthday (October 16th, my b-day is the 17th). At first I though it was unusual to go one month in between appointments, especially after seeing him every other week. Then it became two months as my scans started looking better and better. Now it is 4 months. It makes me worry. I worry because my liver hurts (is it the cancer coming back, or is it just that there was so much cancer in my liver that it is still detoxing and that is why it hurts?). I worry because I don't want to get chemotherapy again, it was horrible! A facebook friend (who also has CC and got the same chemo treatments as I did) asked me the other day what I would do if the cancer came back. Would I get chemo again or would I seek the natural route. I immediately said that I would seek natural treatment as I recalled all of the side effects of the toxic cocktails that would course through my veins. This morning as I woke up to my liver hurting and as I tried to feel my liver the way my oncologist does during exams checking for any hard places or painful lumps I thought a horrifying thought. What if my cancer IS back? Yes, I would want to seek natural treatment but in all honesty I simply wouldn't be able to do that financially. Our lovely insurance system will cover all kinds of toxic poisons like chemo and other pharmaceuticals but it wont even cover a portion of any sort of natural therapy like high dose vitamin C therapy which is clinically and scientifically proven to kill cancers of all kinds. So where would that leave me? I certainly don't have the money to pay for vitamin C therapy at $160-$180 per treatment once or twice a week. Chemotherapy costs thousands of dollars each treatment but insurance covers that...so as you can see this puts me in a bind. Don't you think it is lame and bassackwards that insurance will cover toxic poison at thousands of dollars for every visit but wont cover a natural therapy that is a fraction of the price and has less side effects and is proven to kill cancer whereas chemotherapy is NOT a cure whatsoever and quite likely only leads to further complications and other secondary cancers? Where is the logic here? This logic is only designated to line the pockets of the already rich pharmaceutical companies which also have their ties deep in our political system, food system and water supply. They want us to be sick so that they can "treat" us. They don't want to cure us. Doctors are not in the business of curing cancer they are in the business of treating cancer, treating symptoms, giving us pills and radiation and chemotherapy because every time they use a product from big pharma they get a little richer and a pat on the back for prescribing the latest toxic treatment. Pretty messed up if you ask me. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that the doctors out there are intentionally trying to kill us. It is not their fault that they were told and educated that the way of pharmaceuticals was the only proven way to treat cancer. My oncologist poo-pooed all of my natural therapies. His argument was always the same, "It hasn't been scientifically proven in clinical studies" he would always say, but luckily for me he also told me to "do whatever makes you feel good as long as it doesn't interfere with what I'm doing". What he didn't know was that the things I was doing was discouraged in the conventional medical world and thought to interfere with chemotherapy. I did it anyway (like take mega doses of antioxidants before and during chemo) and 17 months after a grim terminal diagnosis I had somehow killed the cancer that covered my entire liver. How's that for scientific proof? Can you tell I'm in a bad mood this morning?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just about anything beats chemotherapy!</td></tr>
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I don't like to think about "what if". I don't want to worry about my cancer coming back or why my liver hurts...I don't want to give it too much of my energy or thoughts because I don't want to manifest it into being. It is hard not to worry though when I feel like there is a softball under my ribs. It's hard not to worry about what I would do if the cancer <i>did</i> come back. My choices would be very limited. Limited because our medical system is so screwed up that I would not be able to afford proven natural treatments with no side effects and more success rates than the toxic cocktails of big pharma that debilitate you and turn you into a 90lb, hairless, moody, chemo-brained, zombie that looses her stomach every couple of hours. <br />
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Something has to change. In the meantime I'm thinking about moving my oncologist appointment up a few weeks. But then again what would that accomplish? Most likely not much. I think it is time for a hot bath, a warm cup of lemon water and some positive visualization. I think it is time to focus on good things and heed my own advice...What you focus on expands. The Cancer Assassinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11064691678410741459noreply@blogger.com8