Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Would you like some WHINE with that?


It's been a while since I have posted, over a month.  Things have been extremely busy, hectic, emotional, and tiring much so that I have not even had the energy to make a new blog post.  Here is a little forewarning that this post could be all over the place (much like my brain) as there are lots of things I want to share.

Sausage making with my uncle.  Its more fun to make than to eat.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Mine was spent packing up boxes full of my belongings with my mother.  The next day (black Friday) we spent the day moving all of those boxes into a storage unit.  I am moving out of my current home soon.  I cannot afford to stay there boyfriend can't support the two of us, especially since he is a student and is currently not employed.  So I am currently on the wait list for public housing.  I am at the top of the list actually.  I get "priority" because I have a disability and condition that no one expects I will survive more than 12 months from.  Isn't that lovely?  This public housing will cost me 30% of my paycheck....which is a modest $674/mo meaning that it will cost roughly $ I am supposed to somehow live on $447/mo...yeah, right....gas, car pmt, insurance, phone, utilities, FOOD, cat see where I am going here.  Obviously this isn't going to work either but I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it, which will hopefully be sooner than later....

Cancer Can Suck It!
Cancer is a bitch, really it is.  It not only destroys your body and mind, it also wreaks havoc on ALL of your relationships and friendships often destroying them as well.  People get tired of taking care of "cancer girl" all the time and become resentful.  After all, "cancer girl" gets all the attention, even though she did not ask for it and just wishes that things could somewhat resemble "normalcy" once again.  It really fucking sucks to know that you are lame and screwed up in the brain and weak and too skinny and forgetful and nothing tastes good, and there is no energy to stand in the kitchen and cook and you have no money to order food anywhere anyway.   I pretty much have been living on yogurt and granola for the past 4 months or so...I would LOVE to have some subscription to some sort of "pre-made" meal service or some stock of yummy meals in my freezer so that on those days (and there are MANY) that I don't feel like cooking (often cooking food makes me nauseous and I no longer want to even eat it) so I could just pop a pre-made meal into the oven and rest while it cooks itself.   Wouldn't that be awesome!  Perhaps Santa will leave that under my pillow this year (can't afford a tree this year, let alone any presents)....

Life now is obviously not what I would have expected it to be.  I was in grad school working on my second masters degree only a quarter away from graduating for the second time when I got the diagnosis of the big "C".  Things were looking so great for me and my career.  I was supposed to be doing something that I loved and was passionate about but instead I sit in chemotherapy killing cancer (and many other good cells like brain cells, white and red blood cells, bone marrow cells, etc) and wondering how I am going to pay my bills, where I will move to, when I will ever get to move, if boyfriend and I will have another stupid argument about nothing at all because there is a larger underlying issue that we can't seem to get past, and if I will have the energy to take care of myself for another day/week/month.  I constantly worry about not getting enough to eat, enough exercise, if I took my pills today, if I am forgetting something important, if boyfriend still loves me or if he is finally tired of all the cancer bullshit yet.

So I am in every way.  Limbo, waiting for housing to open up....Limbo, waiting for CT scans PET scans, getting chemo because no one knows what else to do because NO ONE has ever had such success in battling cholangiocarcinoma and they are stumped so lets just keep on administering chemotherapy because her symptoms aren't "that bad" comparatively speaking.  Limbo, waiting to see if things will get better hoping and PRAYING that the next scan doesn't show growing cancer cells.  Limbo as you wait for your life to start again instead of going from doctors appointment to doctors appointment and life revolving around healthcare.

I also had the WORST vet appointment ever last week at the Fremont Vet Clinic in Portland.  Seriously, DON'T TAKE YOUR ANIMAL THERE unless you want to have them TORTURED by their staff.  They are by far the absolute WORST vet clinic I have ever had the misfortune of visiting.  They did not listen to my requests or advice regarding my cat (who only has a very limited window of time before she becomes very very angry, hissy and extremely stressed and unpleasant.  They completely ignored me and my concerns.  They came at my cat with a bright orange towel (my cat doesn't tolerate towels coming at her) and ignored me when I told them that the towel would only make her behavior worse.  I expressed my disappointment and concerns in a very calm way at first, then as I heard my cat screaming through TWO CLOSED DOORS I lost my patience.   The staff were all lolly gagging around the back room while this was going on and as I waited for half an hour before we even saw the vet in the first place.  They did not even get to trim some matts off of her belly or trim her nails because she was so worked up.  They then proceeded to call me the next day with blood test results, told me she had a hyperactive thyroid and that she needed medication and then the doctor proceeded to HANG UP on me!  No once did anyone ever admit that they could have handled me or my cat with more respect nor did they apologize for being half an hour late with my appointment.  They were too high and mighty to do that.  I made an appointment with a holistic vet in Hawthorne the very same day and I must say that they are excellent and would highly recommend the Hawthorne Vet Clinic to anyone in or near PDX.  There is NO NEED to put up with "holier than thou" vets such as the people at the Fremont Vet Clinic, and your animal does not need to be tortured by these beasts either.  If this is your vet, do you pet a favor and take them right away to the clinic on Hawthorne where you AND your animal will get treated with respect and compassion rather than with poor attitudes and bad practices.

I really hate to whine and complain but the times are ripe with disappointments and let downs lately.  The bright spot is that ski season has started and I have already been skiing twice in the month of November! THAT I am not complaining about...

On another note, here is my Christmas wish list....

Trader Joe's gift cards (for groceries)
Fred Meyer gift cards (for groceries and household supplies)
Costco gift cards (for some groceries and household supplies such as cat litter and pee pads)
New Seasons gift cards (groceries)
A massage (it would feel oh so good!)
A trip to the dentist (Dr Perry Jones in Ballard (seattle WA) for a teeth cleaning
Pre-made meals or a subscription to someone who does this (for those times I have NO energy to make food for myself which is OFTEN)

As you have probably been able to tell from all of my whining in this post, things have NOT been very fun or easy lately.  Luckily the house guests are gone now and there is a tiny bit of peace in our home...however we are left with a bunch of stuff (furniture clothing etc) and LARGE utility bills to pay due to it all, along with all of the broken things that were left in their wake.  Fun. Just what I wanted/needed....more stress, gee, thank you...Housing please come through soon!!!

Just when you think things couldn't possibly get worse and you have finally found the bottom of that pit, they do and the bottom falls out anyway because you weren't really at the bottom yet....I guess....Some days are harder than others and some days are extremely emotional thanks to the drugs and the stress.

But somehow things always find a way to get better, it might take a LONG time sometimes or at least it feels like it takes forever but it does eventually happen.  I think, for me, I need to take things slowly and realize that I only have so much energy and that I need to decide what to spend that energy skiing and cuddling my kitty girl!


  1. It's not on your Christmas list, but next time you want to come skiing, give me a call and I'll hook you up with a ticket. I'd love to see you skiing! You deserve a break my friend. A very big break. I was hoping that you hadn't posted lately because life was so great you simply had no time to write. But alas, you must keep the faith.

  2. Thanks Kim! I am trying to make it to your party in December and I would love to ski with you! I have a scan that week so it may interfere with my plan to come to Crystal to see you and John, but I am working on it. I am keeping the faith and looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. My mom has been super supportive during all of this, along with my aunt and uncle and that helps so much. You are also so supportive Kim. I always love your advice and look very forward to reading your comments and posts. Take good care and please say "hello" to your husband for me.

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