I feel like my body has been trying to fight off some sort of crud (other than the "normal" detoxing dead tumor material from my liver crud) lately. On Sunday and Monday I slept for 31 out of 48 hours...mostly on the sofa. I can't sleep on my bed it seems. Years ago when I was in crippling pain from two bulging discs in my lower back I purchased one of those memory foam mattresses. At the time it was great for my back. Ever since I got chemo it has been my nemesis. It is waaay to hot. I can never get comfortable, can't seem to sleep for more than an hour or two at best without flopping around like a fish out of water. So I get up and head back to the sofa to try to get some precious sleep. Sleep is our bodies chance to recover and heal. My liver has been hurting a lot lately. I am assuming it is because I just can't sleep. If I'm not sleeping then my body never has a chance to repair the damage done by the cancer and the chemotherapy. Maybe that is why my liver hurts a little more and more each day and I know for certain that is why I woke up in a foul mood today. It is irritating to not be able to do the most basic of functions like sleep. When I was getting chemo I couldn't sleep because I had horrible hot flashes. I would go to bed freezing (mostly because my boyfriend at the time was too cheap to turn the heat in the drafty, moist house up past 62 degrees) wake up slimy and covered in sweat and feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin only to start freezing all over again. Pulling wet sheets over a wet, sweaty body is not fun. This would go on in a cyclic manner throughout the night about every two hours or so. It was certainly no fun.
I take LDN (low dose naltrexone) prescribed by my naturopath as a preventative cancer measure. LDN has been proven in studies to help boost the immune system and kill cancer throughout the body. It has no real horrible side effects like chemotherapy but it does come with the possible side effect of sleeplessness and vivid freaky dreams or nightmares. Both of those side effects are what I experience every time I lay down to sleep. Toss the combination of the uber hot mattress into the mix and you end up with one very unhappy camper.
|My prayer quilt|
My liver has been hurting more and more lately. It pretty much always hurts some but lately it has been very noticeable. My last visit to the oncologist was back in July. It was pretty ordinary. Lay back on the paper covered exam table, he feels my liver for about 5 seconds then says "You're doing great, come back in 4 months". This is a typical visit. So my next appointment is the day before my birthday (October 16th, my b-day is the 17th). At first I though it was unusual to go one month in between appointments, especially after seeing him every other week. Then it became two months as my scans started looking better and better. Now it is 4 months. It makes me worry. I worry because my liver hurts (is it the cancer coming back, or is it just that there was so much cancer in my liver that it is still detoxing and that is why it hurts?). I worry because I don't want to get chemotherapy again, it was horrible! A facebook friend (who also has CC and got the same chemo treatments as I did) asked me the other day what I would do if the cancer came back. Would I get chemo again or would I seek the natural route. I immediately said that I would seek natural treatment as I recalled all of the side effects of the toxic cocktails that would course through my veins. This morning as I woke up to my liver hurting and as I tried to feel my liver the way my oncologist does during exams checking for any hard places or painful lumps I thought a horrifying thought. What if my cancer IS back? Yes, I would want to seek natural treatment but in all honesty I simply wouldn't be able to do that financially. Our lovely insurance system will cover all kinds of toxic poisons like chemo and other pharmaceuticals but it wont even cover a portion of any sort of natural therapy like high dose vitamin C therapy which is clinically and scientifically proven to kill cancers of all kinds. So where would that leave me? I certainly don't have the money to pay for vitamin C therapy at $160-$180 per treatment once or twice a week. Chemotherapy costs thousands of dollars each treatment but insurance covers that...so as you can see this puts me in a bind. Don't you think it is lame and bassackwards that insurance will cover toxic poison at thousands of dollars for every visit but wont cover a natural therapy that is a fraction of the price and has less side effects and is proven to kill cancer whereas chemotherapy is NOT a cure whatsoever and quite likely only leads to further complications and other secondary cancers? Where is the logic here? This logic is only designated to line the pockets of the already rich pharmaceutical companies which also have their ties deep in our political system, food system and water supply. They want us to be sick so that they can "treat" us. They don't want to cure us. Doctors are not in the business of curing cancer they are in the business of treating cancer, treating symptoms, giving us pills and radiation and chemotherapy because every time they use a product from big pharma they get a little richer and a pat on the back for prescribing the latest toxic treatment. Pretty messed up if you ask me. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that the doctors out there are intentionally trying to kill us. It is not their fault that they were told and educated that the way of pharmaceuticals was the only proven way to treat cancer. My oncologist poo-pooed all of my natural therapies. His argument was always the same, "It hasn't been scientifically proven in clinical studies" he would always say, but luckily for me he also told me to "do whatever makes you feel good as long as it doesn't interfere with what I'm doing". What he didn't know was that the things I was doing was discouraged in the conventional medical world and thought to interfere with chemotherapy. I did it anyway (like take mega doses of antioxidants before and during chemo) and 17 months after a grim terminal diagnosis I had somehow killed the cancer that covered my entire liver. How's that for scientific proof? Can you tell I'm in a bad mood this morning?
|Just about anything beats chemotherapy!|
I don't like to think about "what if". I don't want to worry about my cancer coming back or why my liver hurts...I don't want to give it too much of my energy or thoughts because I don't want to manifest it into being. It is hard not to worry though when I feel like there is a softball under my ribs. It's hard not to worry about what I would do if the cancer did come back. My choices would be very limited. Limited because our medical system is so screwed up that I would not be able to afford proven natural treatments with no side effects and more success rates than the toxic cocktails of big pharma that debilitate you and turn you into a 90lb, hairless, moody, chemo-brained, zombie that looses her stomach every couple of hours.