Monday, May 20, 2013

Never a dull moment in the life of The Cancer Assassin!

My mom came down to Portland on Friday for what we both thought would be a pretty uneventful visit with my oncologist to discuss the results of the CT scan I had done last Wednesday.  I knew that the left lobe of my liver looked pretty badly beaten up with battle scars from the last chemo onslaught and I also knew that there were new tumors in there too.  I expected that it would be pretty much the same as the scan I had done not even a month ago and that this was all just procedural so that we could begin the next radiation treatment within the coming weeks.  What I did not expect was bad news, but bad news is what we got.
6 miles in on Eagle Creek

Apparently my cancer has now metastasized into what they think to be some nearby lymph glands.  The trouble right now is my oncologist was really sketchy on saying exactly what this new mass was, although he kept insisting it was most likely a lymph gland.  This new mass is pushing on my IVC (inferior vena cava), my portal vein, my diaphragm, my spleen, my stomach and everything else in that vicinity making for some really uncomfortable times on occasion and on other occasions making for a trip to the medicine cabinet for morphine.

The CT report describes this new mass as a "low-attenuation lesion" which means that it is not solid enough so that light cannot pass through it...in other words the higher the attenuation the more solid the mass is, so I am going to milk that statement as good news.  At least it is not solid enough so that no light passes through...  The report also suggested that the new swollen mass could be a result of the compression of the tumors on my arteries and such...

Basically what it boils down to at this point is this:

I got bad and ambiguous news on a Friday afternoon leaving me to sit with my concerns, thoughts, worries, fears, and questions all weekend long.  No one really knows anything yet and my next step is to contact my radiologist and go over the scan and reports with him.  Radiologists are more accustomed to reading and looking at scan images so it was suggested to me that instead of going over my scan with my oncologist I should be going over it with a radiologist and that is exactly what I am going to do before I make any decisions.  I also have a call in to my Natural Doctor and will be speaking with him as well about my options.  Oncologist is recommending more chemo again.  I am not sold on that idea.  I know from experience that although chemo kills cancer cells it also kills lots and lots of healthy cells too not to mention the horrid side effects that come along with it.  I am talking quality of life here.  I think that this round I may just stick to natural medicine.

Tumors are not the problem here.  The tumors are the symptom of my cancer.  We can use chemotherapy OR we could use natural methods all day long killing tumors but until the real underlying problem that is causing the tumors to grow is fixed and the whole body is healed the tumors will just keep coming back.  It is time to get down to the nitty gritty again and be insanely vigilant and healthy.  It may just be time for something drastic.  I KNOW that it is time for a vacation.

This new mass appeared in the short time of one month! This is scary to me!  How much time do I have to peruse the choices of this new decision I must make?

A friend asked me this weekend "What am I going to do?"  My reply was "I really don't have any choices."  The only thing my insurance will cover is more chemotherapy.  It wont cover any natural therapies like high dose vitamin C therapy which is natural chemotherapy and doesn't have any negative side effects and kills cancer every bit as well as chemo does.  My only choices are a) get chemotherapy or b) do nothing.  I simply cannot afford to pay for natural therapies, they are not cheap. But I don't want to get more chemo and live the rest of my days being so sick from treatment I cannot enjoy my life.

I just wished that I would fall asleep last night and wake up to realize it was only a dream or that maybe it would just vanish as mysteriously and quickly as it appeared.  I wonder that if I stuck my head so far in the sand all this cancer crap would just disappear, you know "out of sight, out of mind".  I don't want to sit and worry about it all so I have been trying not to think about it.  What is the use in getting all worked up over something that I really don't even have all of the information about just yet.  It wont do any good and will just stress me out.

It's crunch time.

2 comments:

  1. dearest Assassin-

    My thoughts are with you as you weigh "options". I wrote this recently as I was in "decision mode" myself. Hope it can lend some ease and peace to your decision making process: http://chaosandunderstanding.tumblr.com/post/45834453018/todays-practice-meeting-fear-of-the-unknown

    xo- Suzanne Stephens

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  2. I am really sorry for your dilemma but you may be overlooking some easy things you can do that do not cost anything. The four areas of cancer prevention are (basically) nutrition...namely a more plant-based diet, meditation, affirmations and physical exercise. even if you choose to do radiation or another "more conventional" type of therapy, these four things can easily be implemented into your routine.

    Making lifestyle choices will also empower you (it did for me) in that you will be actively DOING something to reduce your cancer "machine".
    Please feel free to e-mail me privately or whatever if you want some help getting started.
    hugs anyway

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