What a year its been!
It's been weird, emotional, exciting, crazy, adventurous, painful-really painful, scary, uncertain, ambiguous, frightening, love filled, family and friend filled, uncomfortable and downright draining at times. I have bonded with my couch and my kitty and my digital converter (hey, almost free TV). I have seen the inside of my eyelids more times than I care to count but only in the daytime and never in the middle of the night. I have been radiated and medicated and sedated out of my mind. I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 6 months. I struggle to keep my weight above 110, struggle with my appetite on a daily basis, and struggle with the energy to prepare meals even one time each day.
During the hardest times my thoughts have wandered into the darkest corners of my mind and I found myself thinking that I have nearly had enough. Extended periods of pain and weakness from malnutrition made me wonder how I could even still be alive. I often wondered how I could be in so much pain and not have passed out or passed away yet. I came dangerously close to calling it quits and it scared my shitless!
On a much lighter note I have been feeling pretty fabulous (for me that means my pain is about a 5 out of 10) for the past three days. I think it is because I have had more of an appetite and I have been eating more (more energy) for the last few days. I have also been able to take my vitamins and supplements again three times a day which is a giant accomplishment for me! I still struggle but at least I have more energy to prepare food which gives me even more energy for other things, like healing and kicking some cancer booty.
I think that a lot of people don't really understand just how hard these past months have been but I think that is partly my fault. I try not to post too much about how shitty things are because quite frankly I choose not to focus on it myself. When anyone asks me "how are you doing/feeling?" the first thing out of my mouth will be "I'm doing great!" if I feel pretty good, or "I'm doing good." if I feel crappy. What I wont say is "I feel like shit and my this or that hurts and I'm hungry but I don't want to eat, and I feel like I'm going to puke on you, I haven't gone #2 in days and I feel like a bomb went off in my liver and someone stuffed rocks in it."
There is too much to be grateful for to spend my time and energy focusing on everything that is bad or wrong. The way I see it is that I am alive and that is a good thing! What you focus on expands and I am determined to focus on all that is good. Just like I am focusing on this new stuff they found outside of my liver as being just some swelling cause hey, I've pretty much been nuked and it is definitely not unreasonable. Yep, just swelling!
This is a good time to transition into the real reason I am writing this post.
After a much needed visit with my friend this weekend my perspective has been changed on my next step with regards to treatment.
After I found out that my high dose vitamin C IV's would cost $175 each my heart sank. I thought that there was no way that this could ever happen (I still worry) because I am supposed to get three each week making that $525/week or $2100 each month. SCARY!!!
I kept looking at this as a whole ball of wax type situation, all or nothing and got scared. I really don't feel positively about the chemotherapy they want me to get again. I have a very bad feeling about it actually as do many of my friends and family. BUT my friend explained to me that I should approach this one step at a time and try to raise as much money as possible and get as many vitamin C IV's as I can with what I got. In other words I was too focused on my outcome and not giving the process enough time to unfold or to trust in it. So this is what I am doing... I am going to trust in the process and quit thinking about the future so much. After all I have been taking it one day at a time anyway and why does this have to be any different?
Obviously this is something that I cannot do alone and once again I am asking for any help at all large or small it does not matter and is ALWAYS ACCEPTED WITH DEEP GRATITUDE. If anyone would like to help out in covering the cost of my treatment please feel free to contact my doctors office directly. They are more than happy to accept payment over the phone and the donation will be credited directly to my account there, just exactly where it needs to be. Plus you will also be able to get a receipt :)
Here is their contact information:
The Center for Traditional Medicine
Big BIG LOVE!!!
My time is not even close to being over on this earth. I am just getting saddled up for round two. I am more experienced at this game now and cancer doesn't even stand a chance this time. Apparently it still hasn't figured out who it is trying to mess with yet :)