Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Today is a good, good day!

Last night, for the first time without actually having to, I set my alarm clock for 7am.  Usually I just hit the snooze button a time (or ten) before I actually get up.  Luckily I was using an alarm clock that I was not used to and couldn't find the snooze button, so up at 7am I was.  I made my usual cup of Earl Grey and decided to wake up a little by pulling some weeds in our very neglected front yard.  That actually did the trick and what a way to wake up, smelling all those broken green weeds.  I love the smell of plants, especially tomato plants!

Anyway, today I have an appointment at the Center for Traditional Medicine and it happens to coincide with my friend Susan's appointment and I am so excited to see her!  We have kind of a "girl" day planned. After our appointments at the CTM I will be accompanying her to some more doctors appointments. That is what happens when you have cancer, always some doctors appointment, always.  As a matter of fact your doctors appointments and chemo and IV's etc are what you revolve your entire life around.  Someone says "Hey! What are you doing tomorrow/next Tuesday/next week/etc. and you can't really say if you are going to feel good enough to do anything, that is IF you don't actually have an appointment that day.  It is strange as you watch yourself deteriorating.  Your memory going south, you can no longer multi-task or even single-task because you forget that you were even doing anything at all.  You are all of the sudden that "flaky" friend that gets on everyones nerves because you either forgot (chemo brain) that you had a date with someone or you didn't anticipate feeling like crap so you have to cancel.  Even your partner/caregiver gets annoyed because you are not the same person you used to be...

At least if you had dementia you wouldn't know you were so flaky and that your brain is turning to mush and your emotions are all over the chart most likely in big part from the all of the drugs coursing through your body, but you also wouldn't be able to notice that you are slowly going crazy.  But actually knowing and seeing yourself become this person (moody/flaky/etc) is a hard thing to handle, especially if you used to be proud of how well you could handle complex situations and your organizational skills.  Gone...Now I am a moody, flaky person who somehow always is able to see some positive in even the nastiest of situations, cling to it for dear life, and make even the most trying of days in to really good ones.  You have got to, otherwise you would just fall down into a deep dark bottomless hole, and climbing out of that would be even harder.  I think I will chose to step around it.  Maybe one day this hole will be filled in, covered up, boarded up, and "KEEP OUT!" signs placed all around.  Or perhaps one day this ugly hole will fill up with flowers and those yummy smelling plants I love so much.  Yeah, that is what will happen!

As a good friend of mine says, "Today is a good, good day!"
Love you Bills!

5 comments:

  1. Awwwwwww.... Love you SO SO much, Ms. L. And it IS all in perception: Today is a good day because we chose to look at it as such, even if it doesn't always go the way we plan it... BIG hug.

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  2. Hi! I have been thinking about you the past few days and wondering how you were doing. I checked your blog a few days ago to see if you had any new posts (completely forgetting - chemobrain, grrr - that I had subscribed to your blog and get an email when you have a new post).

    You put all of this so well, from the experience of the almost (at least it has seemed that way for me) life taking over appointments, treatments, scans, situation, to the loss of control over being able to plan anything.

    I highly doubt that anyone sees you as a flaky person. But, I understand that feeling. I hated having to cancel (still hate it) plans with friends because I just felt too crappy to make it. Some of the guilt over ending an evening out early, for example, or canceling I guess we put on ourselves. But, it is hard not too.

    I am glad that today is a good day!

    Such a great post!

    All the best to you,
    Lisa

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  3. Thank you warmblackstone, much love lady, we will get our day soon.

    Lisa, thank you for your kind words as well. It is hard and weird isn't it? Life now is just different and will always be that way. I just remember that it will get easier as time goes...that this is not forever and just like that old saying goes "this too shall pass"
    I just always try to find something, some ray of hope, things can always be worse and hey, now at least I notice the small stuff that I would have not noticed before...perhaps I would have never thought that these days could be so good.
    Much much love to you both!

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  4. What a great post. So much to relate to in here. I especially nodded my head when you mentioned even your partner/caregiver gets annoyed because you are not the same person you used to be. I worry about that sometimes because even I get annoyed that I'm not the same person I used to be. How can my partner and others around me not feel that way? But it is as they say what it is. Hope that good day feeling is lingering on!

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  5. I decided to share this because i am so glad today and happy that i am alive to see another new day and not just that but also to share the goodnews of how i survived a deadly stage 4 cholangiocarsinoma (bile duct cancer). I was told by my oncologist that she had just 6 months left to live and i was so scared to lose my wife. I was lucky to contact Dr Mrs Aleta who i told all about it and she is the nicest person i have spoken to. She recommended a herbal medicine for her which she took that cured her in less than a month. Well for more info about the medicine and cancer treatment simply reach her on aletedwin@gmail.com she can help you too. Contact her for any form of cancer too.

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