Yesterday I had an appointment with my Oncologist to discuss the results of my PET scan and my liver biopsy. A lot of big long words....a lot of them. Luckily I had Jeff and my mom there to help me decipher all of the information. All I heard is blah, blah, blah, incurable....blah, blah, blah....expensive DNA test that no one covers (as if I have any insurance anyway)...blah, blah, blah...YOU'RE SCREWED!
Yeah, so I have inoperable tumors pretty much covering my entire liver. Yeah, so they think they might be coming from my bile ducts....Yeah, so what if it is incurable....I AM STILL GONNA KICK ITS ASS!
Incurable just means "cured from the inside out" and that is what I am doing. That is my plan.
I just got my juicer in the mail yesterday. This morning (as soon as my pharmacy *Whole Foods* opens) I will be sending my wonderful, awesome man to the store for some celery, wheatgrass, and other greens so I can begin my green juice consumption. I am actually really excited about it. I love the smell of fresh cut grass and suspectedly enough wheatgrass shots taste just like that smell. Perhaps it is an acquired taste but I enjoy it.
I sat in a community health clinic for 4 hours last night waiting....waiting just to see someone to try to establish a primary doctor so that I may be able to be eligible for some charity from an organization to get some things covered like labs, tests, and yes, chemotherapy.
Ahhhh....chemotherapy....I will be starting that in two weeks. Kinda trippy to think about. Im gonna fry those little suckers :) No really. I have been struggling a little with feeling like my body has betrayed me. Sometimes I envision my cancer as being black and ugly and festering inside of me. After the ample time I had to read my entire book (Crazy Sexy Cancer by Kris Carr) I found a nugget of wisdom to sustain me. She explained how she felt the same way about her situation and body and how it was hard not to imagine that there is ugly stuff inside of you. What she suggested was that rather than think like this, think that your body needs help. There is a part of my body that has become lost and confused and I need to help it find it's way again. It didn't betray me, God, The Universe, The Creator, Buddah, Evil Kenevil, WHO EVER, did not betray me. It just got a little lost and needs guidance. Much better visualization than icky festering globs of decay. It is my body, my wonderful, sexy, rock climbing, hiking, nature loving temple. It has carried me around to some beautiful places for 38 years and it needs a little attention and fine tuning.
So, I guess it is time for the update. Here goes...
I am being scheduled for an endoscopy, colonoscopy, and mammogram. They are still trying to figure out where the cancer in my liver came from. I also got blood work done just to double check and make certain that I don't have Hep C. That's good. And yes in two weeks I start the big C....chemotherapy. Chemo will halt growth but it wont get rid of the tumors. That is ok with me. I know that my cancer will never be gone from my body. I know that I will never be "cured" but they are more than welcome to just hang out there peacefully and remind me to take care of myself and live like there is no tomorrow.
Speaking of no tomorrow, I just want to remind all of you that there really is no tomorrow. There is only this very moment we are living in right now. Make the most of it. Don't use it to stress about your finances, your school work, your car, your anything at all. What a waste! What would you do if you found out that you had a life threatening situation. That is how you should live, every moment, every day. A quote that really fits this bill is just this.
Why is it that when we are faced with death that we truly begin to live.
Peace, love and light to you all.