Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Day 77

You will be made stronger through adversity...

Once again I have been really late in posting to my blog.  It is not because I have not had a lot to say, the reasons why will soon be evident.

For the past few days the world has been really heavy.  Today especially.

I went to the doc's today, well the hospital actually, to get my stitches checked on from my porta-cath insertion.  One of the stitches is not healing like the others and I know by own body well enough to know that it is not right there.  But of course the doctors and the assistants had no idea why it wasn't healing like the rest and when asked why my right neck and shoulder constantly hurt like a pulled tendon/muscle/charley horse they also had no excuse as to why.  They suggested that maybe it was this or that (which it is not) and finally admitted that they did not know.  3 hours out of my day for nothing but ambiguity, anger and frustration.

I also called my oncologist.  My eyes are really messed up lately.  When I sleep they crust over entirely sometimes gluing my eyelashes shut or creating painful eye boogers in the corners of my eyes.  In the morning after they un-crust they feel pretty good until about 5pm when they begin their downward spiral into a sticky, blurry constant feeling of fuzz under your eyelid blink fest until they get so tired that I eventually go to bed not because I am tired but because I don't want to keep them open any longer.  I've "googled" this and found that it is most likely "dry eye syndrome" from one of the many things I have been putting into my body as of late (most likely the prednisone) and have since purchased some eye lubricant and moisturizer.  It doesn't really help at all.  It just feels like more crap in my eye.  Anyway the oncologist suggested I should go see my eye doctor. Oh my god! Why didn't I think of this?!?!!  I will get right on it.  Yeah, since I have an eye doctor and insurance and all, sounds great...NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

So now I am 2 for 2.  In other news... I received my first "collections notice" in the mail the other day.  It hurts to take a deep breath both in my liver on my right side and in my neck and shoulder (where it still hurts from my little procedure with the porta-cath).  This makes the simple things like breathing kinda lame.  I have so many pills to take I need to get a special box that breaks them up into morning, noon, and nite otherwise I forget to take them.  My brain is turning into mush.  No lie.  Unless you have ever had chemotherapy (or perhaps a stroke or other head injury) I just don't think that anyone could possibly understand the frustration of losing brain function.  Sometimes I can just sit and stare for half an hour at time trying to figure out what to do next.  I am losing sense of what is important and what is not.  I feel like I have schizophrenia or multiple personalities. I just cannot concentrate on anything at all for more than about ten seconds.

I really need to get out into the woods.  I can hear the mountains calling.  I am going to go crazy if I don't.

Today was a really hard day to see the beauty.

On a lighter note...

On Tuesday the 22nd of June there will be a benefit in my honor with live music (folky acoustic sounds) at the McMenamins White Eagle in Portland.   There is also a hotel at the White Eagle so those of you that want to come from out of town could even stay there.  My friend Angela has spent so much time and energy bringing this all together, she is amazing!  My friend Jesse from Blackbird Tattoo did the artwork for the poster for me.  He also did my back tattoo that I absolutely LOVE.  Angela and Jesse, I just want you to know that you both rock my world!  Thank you so much!

On June 15th at Antioch University in Seattle I will be giving my presentation for our Graduate Student Symposium.  Anyone who would like to come and see this take place is more than welcome (Gramma, that means you too).  I will be speaking about many things including my time at Antioch, the Change Project I have spent so much time and energy on, and significant events in my life that shaped these as well as who I am as an individual.  My groups presentation will begin at 1pm on Tuesday the 15th.  Feel free to come earlier or stay longer to indulge in the other presentations as well, they will be exciting I am sure.

And then there is graduation on June 19.  Ah yes, after three solid years of grad school I will be emerging from Antioch with my masters in education and a masters in environmental studies in addition to two certificates (for what I cannot remember).  It has been a very transformative three years and I would do it over again in a heartbeat.  I love being a student and I love Antioch and all of the wonderful friends I have made during my time there.  They are like family to me.

I go back for chemo again in two days.  This will be #5.  Fry those suckers.

This craziness will stop soon I hope.  I need to get past graduation and then maybe things will calm down a bit.

Now for some coconut bliss, some mindless television, and a snuggle with my cat.


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