Day 143 Lucky Stars!

Tonight as I sit by the fire with Clark the dog I look up and count my lucky stars, literally.

After chemotherapy I drove out of town with Clark, then tent, some firewood, seaweed ramen, shakti chai, my journal, my kick ass 3 person tent that I purchased last summer and have never used until now, a cooler full of fruit, yogurt and some coconut water and drove off to Mt Hood Wilderness and went camping for the evening.

The whole deal is that the perseid meteor showers are in town and tonight was supposed to be one of the best night to view them.   I had to do it.  Jeff needed to stay home for work, so I didn't let that stop me.

As I look up I see millions of stars.  Some bright, some sparkle, some swirl with color, maybe those are planets, I don't know and right now I don't even care.  My little fire warms my flip flopped feet...and speaking of flip flops, why is it so much fun to flip the flops.  I love to flip mine around on my feet like a drummer twirls his sticks, well, maybe not that good but I still think I'm cool to myself and it just feels good and fun too :)

So as the fire warms my feet and shins Clark is asleep on his bed at a distance as it is probably about 76 degrees outside and the fire does not feel as good to him as it does to someone like me who just got assaulted with chemicals today.  It makes me chilly.  The stuff is chilly when it goes in, makes you chilly and all chicken skin-ny and then you stay cool the rest of the day (when you are not having hot flashes).

Fire is always nice though.  It's all a part of camping, well at least car camping.  I love to watch it.  I love to watch the way the logs crack and fissure and make crazy firey landscapes.

Clark's been protecting me all night. Growling at critters in the woods.  I'm camping in a beautiful spot by the Sandy river near the town of Zig Zag.  The landscape looks very volcanic.  The trees are short and thin and the ground is all mossy and rocky.  It is sort of eerie in a beautiful way.  I have always wanted to spend and evening here ever since I first saw it last summer when Jeff and I had our first Oregon hiking date.  I know he was a keeper at this point, it was our 4th date, but I knew.  We went to Burnt Lake.  We ate at Bernie's Southern Bistro the night before and I think we had wings at Fire on the Mountain that evening.  There was live music.  It was perfect.

Surprisingly Clark is a really good camper.  So far we haven't slept in the same tent yet but I think it will be just fine.  He is a snuggler.  Most likely he is gonna try to steal my comfy sleeping pad in exchange for his cedar bed from Costco.

The start, ah yes, I keep getting sidetracked...chemo head.  My good friends know I've got it bad.  I've stopped being quite so hard on myself for it though.  I'm still learning.  Lessons, lessons.  Good things, those lessons :)

Yes, back to the stars.  There is hardly a moon so the sky is very black.  The stars shine as if the sky were a giant black canvas illuminated from behind with a very bright light and millions of holes pricked in the cloth are the stars.  Some are larger and brighter than others, some are smaller and orange or green or red or blue, some flicker.  Then I see a shooting star, well, a meteor!  My first one of the evening. Beautiful!  I tell Clark what I just saw.  He looks up from tired eyes and acknowledges my find unenthusiastically.  I poke the fire some, then some more. I really like to play with the fire.  Ask anyone who has ever gone camping with me.  I can make (and maintain) a pretty darn good fire.  It is one of my skills, look out Napoleon Dynamite!

I timed my fire perfectly.  I brought a small bundle from home with the Concordia news for fire starter and there was already a nice sized log left here by the last campers that had been previously burned some.  I built my log cabin with twisted paper underneath and small kindling I collected from one of the many empty sites.  Graduated with layers of larger pieces until I had about 3 layers.   I lit it and proceeded to cook dinner.  Ate my seaweed soup by a crackling fire and relaxed with Clark for an hour or so until it got dark.

Now my fire is growing dim and my eyes are wanting to fix themselves on the sky.  I just saw my second meteor! Hopefully many more to come.

I am excited to sleep in the tent.  I always get my best nights sleep in the tent out camping.  I got reiki today again during my chemo session.  Lynn is just the best.  She is one of those people I just fell in love with the first time we met.  She was so eager to share her gift with me and she is a beautiful person with only the most positive, encouraging and healthy bits of wisdom passed along at those right moments.  Not to mention that she is an awesome reiki practitioner.  She has really helped me so much in the short time I have known her.  Lynn, thank you so much for all you do, you are so appreciated and loved.

Which brings me to someone else I have not thanked near enough yet.  My other mama Lynda at my naturopath.  She is full of the most wonderful energy.  She shines.  She always writes lovely affirmations on my I.V. bag full of vitamins.  She always has awesome stories and recommendations.  She has such a playful and sincere soul and truly cares about me and my wellbeing.  She gives me tea and healthy snacks when I am there for my appointments.  She loves to look at all of my pictures of the goofy things I take photos of.  I have over 1300 photos on the cameral roll on my iphone.  It is a daily habit for me taking tons of pics.  Back to Lynda...she is such a sweetheart and wise woman, always making me smile, feel good and giving me the best advice and food for thought.  The strangest, coolest things happen every time I am there.  Those kind of "did that really just happen?" or "did you just see what I saw?" kinds of strange cool things.  I always leave with a smile on my face and feeling loved.  Lynda, you are my other mama, thank you for taking such good care of me these last few months.  You are an angel.

And I cannot quit this role of thanking until I thank another person for taking care of me like a mother.  Beverly, I love you!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a wonderful, sincere, caring, loving, concerned, selfless person.  I believe that people come into each others lives for reasons and you have taught me so much about the importance of taking care of myself and being more forgiving of myself.  You are truly a blessing and I am thankful our paths crossed.  You are and inspiration!

One more please.  Sarah M.  I want you to know that you have changed my life.  You are beautiful and wise and intuitive and wonderful at what you do.  Thank you for checking in on me, I love to get your messages!  I want you to know that I am coming to see you again very soon.  It has taken a while for me to digest what I learned from our last meeting and I think I am ready for some more.  The experience I had at our session was one of the most profound magnitude.  You are a wonderful healer!  I also want to thank you so much for referring me to Dr. P.  He is a god send!  It was truly meant to be, just as meeting you was.  I am so thankful for your presence in my life and have learned things from you that I would have never imagined I would learn.  Thank you so much!

Ok, now it is thoroughly dark and I am going to soak up the last of the heat from the glowing coals in my fire, move my chair because the wind has changed and "I hate white rabbits, I hate white rabbits, I hate white rabbits!"  Lastly I bid you all goodnight as I gaze upon our galaxy and thank the Universe for allowing me this privilege and for my life and all of the wonderful people, animals, lessons, love joy and bountifulness in it.  May you all have all the happiness you deserve.  Sleep tight, have beautiful dreams and wake refreshed and full of joy!

I'm gonna count my lucky stars :)

Day 137

Crocosmia in the yard, I love these!

Hello everyone!

I hope to find you all well and happy. It has been a little while since my last post, I have needed some good down time.  I have been doing a LOT of thinking...a lot.  I've been in my head so much lately.  You guys and gals are in for a doozy of a post today...I feel like the chemo might be catching up with me a bit...the hair is falling out steadily again, and I've just been tired and run down feeling for a while, so as a result, I've been getting a lot of rest :)

Cute purple balls, anyone know what this is?

The chemo gives me really bad acne, the kind that is deep and hurts and now it is on my scalp.  Owie! My scalp is already sensitive from the chemo and the zits are not a bonus. Booooo!  Speaking of sensitive, my forearms have developed a bit of a neuropathy from the chemo as well.  My forearms feel like they have been burned (think sunburn or you put them on the burner on the stove burn) and sometimes even the wind blowing on them hurts.  It is weird I know.   The other thing is that I am having menopause type symptoms (again, result of chemo) and I have hot flashes throughout the day and most often at night.  I all of the sudden get so hot I want to crawl out of my skin, just unzip it like big zipper suit and step right out....ahhhhh...that would be nice.  Then I freeze to death, goosebumps (chicken skin as we call it) and all chattery and needing a blanket, 10 minutes later back to dripping sweat.  Other than that I feel great :)  You know, it could be much worse, so I am not complaining.  Plus I have two of the best nurses in the world taking care of me.  Nurse Lynda and Nurse Beverly I love you both soooo much!  Thank you for taking such great care of me.  Not to mention all of those of you out there sending me healing through Reiki, I love it!  I am also informed that acupuncture works quite well for helping the hot flashes and the neuropathy, good thing I have 8 punches left on my card for our local community acupuncture clinic Working Class Acupuncture.

You must read this book!

I just finished a wonderful book given to me by a friend named Elise.  It is called You Can Heal Your Body by Louise Hay.  It is such a wonderful book! Everyone should read it and keep it for reference.  If you have not heard of it or her you should check it out here.  I have been reading up on how our bodies get cancer in the first place.



1. Our food

I'm talking about the stuff you are not getting at the farmers market or at the organic section of your local community grocery store.  The stuff with words we can't pronounce, all the additives, colorings, chemicals.  Tell me again why we are ok with letting people put this crap in our food?  When did we become complacent and let large corporations tell us that eating Cheezits would be a good source of our daily need for calcuim, or that Cheerios are good for our heart.  Even Campbells tomato soup has high fructose corn syrup as one of the first ingredients!  We are either just plain ignorant or too stubborn to admit that these foods are not healthy for us.  We feed them to our children for crying out loud! Our babies, our toddlers, our tweens and teens and wonder why they can't pay attention in school or why they have ADHD, ADD, IBS, diabetes, or any other myriad of disorders.  Ok, enough of this...Just remember that you are what you eat, literally.  YOUR body is comprised of what you put into your mouth.  So if you think that Twinkies and soda is your thing, and just one a day wont hurt, you might want to think again and read those labels and google those ingredients just to see what they are doing to your body.





2. Things we put on our body/things we breathe.

Oh My! All those chemicals!

At the naturopath

Yep, ladies that lotion you love, that mascara you cannot live without, the coverup, the foundation, the perfume, the shampoo, lipgloss, hair product, eyeliner, eyeshadow, night cream, sunscreen, hairspray, shaving cream, you name it, it has chemicals in it and if you are not already savvy to this information YOU are rubbing those chemicals all over the largest organ of your body, your skin.  All of the pores in your skin are soaking all of those chemicals directly into your body.  So you think, "it is ok, I'm only putting it on my hair and washing it off" but your scalp absorbs more toxins than if you actually ATE the shampoo...That is something to think about.  Same goes for nail polish, it soaks into your nails and into your bloodstream.  Might want to think about these things when you decide that you can't go without mascara/nail polish/lipstick/pomade/makeup/lotion/etc.  Isn't being alive and healthy a lot prettier than being dead or weary and worn and emaciated from chemotherapy???  Basic rule, if you cannot pronounce it, chances are it is a chemical.  If you bought it at Macy's or Nordstrom's chances are it is laden with chemicals.  A lady confronted me in the Goodwill the other day and just started talking to me (weird huh?) and this is what she just walked right up to me and said as pretty as you please..."So I have been wanting to go to Macy's and get some of this cream that is supposed to be good for like if you have aches and pains.   It is supposed to be good for you and natural, it has essential oils in it."  To which I replied, are you talking about arnica cream?  She said she didn't know but that it was great for you because it had all the essential oils in it.  Hmmm.....I might be completely wrong, but I will just take this chance.  I said to her "If they carry it at Macy's it most likely is not GOOD  for you, even if it has essential oils in it, what are the other ingredients?"  I suggested that she look at the other ingredients to see if there were things in there that weren't good for her.  She was in disbelief.  She couldn't possibly imagine that if it had essential oils in it and that if others told her it was good for her that it could possibly be bad.  Isn't this how we all live, just a little?  We are always in a little state of denial about how bad things are really.  Just one soda a day wont hurt, but I LOVE doritos or international creamer in my coffee, or spaghettios or whatever.  But they do hurt.  Try eating all natural and organic and as clean as you possibly can for a month or two then go eat some doritos.  I've done it, I will confess.  It SUCKS! My body was ready to revolt in less than an hour after I ate whatever it was I ate.  My body did not like having all this un-natural stuff.  It was like "okay, now what".  Our bodies do not know what to do with these things like hydrogenated stuff.  It actually screws up our DNA replication processes making cells that are cancerous, ones that don't function to help our bodies at all.  I learned this years ago in high school.  Everyone has cancer, it is just a matter of if it gets to the point that we need to intervene before we die from it.  Some people may never even know that there  is cancer present in their bodies, some, like me, will go through chemo, some might not make it, some will make it better.  So why do we do it?  Why do we live in a state of denial?  Why do we give our hard earned money to companies that poison us and our children?  Why do we think that it will all be ok and continue to eat the way we do?  Why?

Teeny weeny zucchini

3. Our mental health/spiritual health

So, we wake up to the alarm, make our coffee/tea (put lots of sugar/creamer in it), toss down something that is less than desirable for breakfast (donut/sugary cereal/pastry/bacon), shower, run out the door most likely completely unfocused on the road as we drive to work (most likely bordering on being late), we might hate our jobs or our co-workers and watch as the clock seems to tick backwards, waiting for the moment we can flee our confinement.  We scarf down anything we can get our hands on at work (the donuts someone brought/the birthday cake for our co-worker/the little candies the secretary or someone else has on their desk/stuff from the snack machine) then we NUKE our lunch (which is probably filled with chemicals) in the microwave effectively killing any residual nutritional value it had in it from processing, get through our late afternoon slump by another visit to the snack machine/candy bowl.  When we finally get off work we jump back into our cars, drive home as fast as we can cursing people and traffic along the way.  We are too tired to cook a real meal so we order out, or pick up something from the drive thru, maybe we stop at Costco for a pizza or farm raised salmon pre-made meal that you just toss in the oven.  UGH, even writing it out kills me.  This is how a lot of us operate. Stress, stress, stress....unhappiness, tired all the time, run down, can't concentrate, irritable, don't feel good a lot of the time, headaches, stomachaches.  Stress is such a huge contributor to our physical illnesses including cancer.  The Hay's book suggested that cancer is brought about by years and years of harboring resentment and stress towards something.  Some people (including me) are so unwilling/incapable of letting resentment go.  We hold grudges or ill will deep within us literally eating away at our physical bodies.  For real.  Have you ever noticed how many really unhappy people smoke?  This is just one small example that can be applied to many things like over eating/binging/or not eating/drinking/obsessive exercise or low self image.  We just replace our having to deal with it in a constructive and creative healthy way with our need for self destruction for what ever reasons we feel that we need to be bad to ourselves.  Maybe we feel like we are not deserving of happiness or friendships or health.  Maybe something happened in our past that was terrible so we decide that we cannot be happy in the present moment or future moments.  Maybe someone lied to us and now we feel that we cannot trust anyone at all anymore.  Maybe we got hurt so we are afraid that everything and everyone will hurt us.  We harbor those things inside of us and it creates dis-ease within our bodies which manifest as a myriad of illnesses.  Why do we want to treat ourselves this way?  Ask yourself this question, "do you love yourself?" "are you deserving of happiness and love?"  Look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say out loud "I love myself, I truly love myself and I deserve to be happy and healthy."  I bet it is harder to do than you think it may be.

Ok, enough, ENOUGH!

Teeny weeny cucumber

My naturopath has suggested a new treatment to me and after hearing all the news about it and doing some research on my own (we ALL need to be advocates for our own health by the way, do your research and don't just rely on the doc's, YOU know when YOU feel bad and when something is not right)  I have decided to start taking artemisia.  It is a type of wormwood (tarragon is a type of artemisia) and it has a crazy affect on cancer cells literally killing them from oxidizing the iron in the cells.  Cancer cells have a higher iron content that the surrounding cells, the artemisia creates oxidization of the iron in the cells and conveniently kills the cell as a result without harming any other cells.  Pretty cool huh!?  Here is some information I found on it if you care to read about artemisia and cancer, or if you just want to know what artemisia is.  I am going to be the poster child for this stuff.  Apparently there is someone at the UW medical center that is doing research on this at this very moment.  Pretty cool huh?

I still have not started my sewing project yet.  I have all the best intentions of doing so.  It is going to be an apron.  I figured I would start simple :)

Isn't Pearl pretty with her accessory?

It has been hot and sunny here in PDX and we went to the river (the mighty Columbia) this week and sat on a sand bar and read/sunned it up.  We also brought my kayak and paddled around, it was so relaxing. Paddling is a sort of meditation for me, I just get all caught up in the movements and my mind wanders while I paddle.  It is nice and I wish it was easier to get the kayak up on the car and out to the water because I would do it all the time.

Kayaking on the Columbia

Yesterday we drove all over creation to go rock hounding.  We didn't find much.  We went to this old rock quarry off of hwy 4 waaaay out in the woods.  It was fun breaking up rocks and we did find some interesting pieces of quartz, but if we don't find some really interesting material soon I think that Jeff will not want to go much more with me.  So if anyone out there knows of a place to find cool stuff near Portland or within a couple of hours please let me know.  It would really be fun to find something super cool :)

The road to the quarry

My honey also just made it up this crazy hill with over 3500 ft of vertical on his bike.  He had been working up to it by making two previous training runs.  Congrats baby!  I couldn't, well more to the point wouldn't do it.  I hate riding a bicycle up a hill, absolutely hate it.  I would rather trim my fingernails too short before I did that.

Sorry buddy, you taste too good.  Thank you to the crab :)

I had such a great time with my dad in town, we went hiking and rockhounding and hung out in the back yard playing yard games.  We ate crab and barbequed.  I always love seeing my dad.  He is definitely a go getter, out hiking me almost everywhere we go! Kick ass!

Congrats Baby!

Mother daughter time

An old pic from RC Ridge

I also had a fabulous time with my mama on her birthday.  It rocked! We went to Manzanita and I treated her to a facial for her birthday at Spa Manzanita from Kerry.  Kerry is one of the wisest women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  My mom and I absolutely love her.  When she opens her mouth to speak it is as if her words were meant just for you, it is always something that you needed to hear, a valuable lesson or piece of insight.  Kerry if you are reading this I love you dearly, thank you so much for being you.  Anyway, my mom loved her facial, it was the first one she had ever had and since she isn't much into the touchy feely massagy thing I wondered how she would like it.  She LOVED IT! I knew she would :) especially a facial from Kerry.  Ladies, you really need to check her out.  I would drive all the way to Manzanita just to have my eyebrows waxed by her.

My cute Goodwill dress :)

This week is chemo week.  I don't really even remember how many times I have gone now.  This may be the 12th or so.  I did a stupid thing (there I go with negativity towards myself)....I thought I should postpone last quarters work and slowly get it done over the summer.  Yeah, right!  My ability to focus is pretty much shot.  I bought a card game the other day that looked like a lot of fun to play, it has an extra suit of stars ( I love card games).  I sat down to read the rules and promptly got lost.  What the....?  I guess that even when it comes to fun things I cannot concentrate so how in the world am I ever going to get these classes wrapped up.  I have decided to not worry about it.  heehee....sometimes things just have a way of figuring themselves out.  Maybe this will be one of those things :)

My garden is growing! My garden is growing!
I have teeny tiny cucumbers, all kinds of teeny weeny zucchinis, kale, and bush beans that I will be harvesting for the third time.  Meanwhile the tomatillos and tomatoes continue to grow and bloom.  I can't wait to harvest those!  I love a warm tomato right off the vine, one of my favorite things.  I have interspersed the garden pics throughout this post for your viewing pleasure :)  This is only my second ever garden, hence all the excitement.

I love my San!

Next weekend is my 20th high school reunion!!!
Now I have never been one to get excited about these types of things but I am so super excited about this one.  I am very excited to get to see some people I haven't seen forever except for on facebook (yes, I am a facebook junkie).  My friend of 24 years is coming into town from LA and I absolutely cannot wait to see her! Jennifer and I have had many many experiences together, she probably knows me as well as I know myself or maybe even better.  San, I love you!  I am expecting her visit to be wonderful.  I have not seen her for a couple of years, I miss my friend.

Ok everyone, sorry it took me so long.  I guess I really needed a mental break or at least the feeling of no obligations for a while.  You all PLEASE take care of yourselves and remember to please read those labels on your food and body products.  There are so many ALL NATURAL alternatives out there that are just as good if not better than the chemicals you are currently using.  Just ask me if you have any questions about anything or any products I use.  I have pretty much found all natural products to replace every one of those chemically products I used to use, even cleaning products.  I do not even like to have chemicals in my home any more.  And remember just because some large corporation says that something is "HEALTHY"  or good for you or a good source of vitamin A or calcium or whatever, please take the time to see if if is also a good source of DISEASE as well.  Maybe you can find another option.

Kale in the garden

In the meantime, much, much, much love and peace and health to all of you. So much!  May you be blessed with good health, great friends, and all the peace and love you deserve.

The Cancer Assassin