Day 36

I just have to say that day 35, also known as yesterday, was a really tough day. It started off normally enough: wake up, pet the Pie, warm lemon water for my morning drink, fill out paperwork for school (they don't believe I haven't worked in 3 years), lots of research about the Mayo Clinic, The Kushi Institute, Naturopaths, other wellness retreats and classes. Ate some Ezekiel cereal with almond milk and agave suryp, looked at the time and this is where it all went down hill. It was already 11:30! Where in the hell did all of my morning go? What did I do for myself yet, NOTHING, that's what.

I drug my whiny ass into the bathroom and took a shower, got out, made a green juice and a wheatgrass shot then I needed to get the heck out of the house. Our dog, Clark (named after the Griswolds), was being a hyper spastic that morning. He has this new toy that his mom bought for him and it is a little green satan ball with feet that makes this horrible squeak when he bites it. And he bites it and bites it and bites it and bites it and bites it and bites it and it doesn't stop. He isn't content in the corner on his comfy bed chewing on the satan toy, he has to be in your face with it squeaking, squeaking, squeaking, squeaking in your ear the whole time (hours and hours). Ok, out of the house I go.....

Went to a place called FaceBodySoul to find some cream called Keeping Abreast of It! Supposed to be good for draining the lymph nodes and good for the breasts and breast health too. Not bad. Alas, they were out of the cream but I did find other great information there and after all, I can always order the cream online or stick it on the wishlist :)

Went to eat at a restaurant called the Blossoming Lotus. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! you should check out their site, awesome food and ABSOLUTELY AMAZING VEGAN/GLUTEN FREE/SOY FREE desserts that are utterly to die for. YUM!

I lost it in public and in the privacy of my own car about 4 times total yesterday. Then again a couple more times once I got home for the reasons I will explain next...

Remember those Tuesday meetings that my other oncologist at OHSU has to discuss new patients ( ahem, ME!) and if I am a candidate for a liver transplant or what the heck....well she called me yesterday just like she said she would. She is really nice, but then again I love my oncologist at the Northwest Cancer Specialists too, a lot. Anyway, back to the subject...to make a long story short I AM NOT A CANDIDATE FOR LIVER TRANSPLANT through OHSU. Too much cancer in my liver (seriously people my liver is literally covered in tumors) and in order for OHSU to give you a transplant your SINGLE tumor cannot be more than 3cm. WTF!?!?!?!?!

REALLY PEOPLE???? Why not just take a chunk of liver out instead, it grows back. Give the liver to the girl who needs it and might die without it. I lost it after this little bit of news. I was angry, sad, hopeless, but mostly angry. Angry at all of those people out there who drink their livers away, get cirrhosis and get a new liver because they intentionally destroyed theirs. Not fair! What this has proven to me more now than ever is just this.

I WILL NEED TO DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF. IT IS MY JOB TO HEAL MY OWN BODY.

Britt, remember all that talk about how in the world I was going to disrupt the doxa? Well I've figured it out :) THIS is how I will be disrupting the doxa. I will survive and thrive in spite of what everyone's prognosis is and regardless of if I can get a liver or not because I AM STRONG, I AM WORTH IT, I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM A SURVIVOR!!!

Right now I am sitting in the "Chemo Suite" at the Northwest Cancer Specialists in PDX. Makes it sound so fancy huh? Like there are tux clad waiters serving healthy raw/live snacks on silver trays asking you if you would like a shot of wheatgrass or a fresh green juice or antioxidant smoothie. Yeah, well it's not like that. It is filled with all ages, genders, and ethnicities all with smiling faces, all having conversations or reading novels or magazines. Some are on their laptops (like me) others are watching movies on portable DVD players. I brought the arsenal today, games, books, magazines, laptop, movies, iPod, iPhone, snacks, water, blanket and slippers. I will be here for about 6 hours today. I got here at 10:45am and probably wont get to leave until it is time for dinner. Good thing they have comfortable recliners, but I also have the overwhelming urge to urinate every 20 minutes due to all the fluids they put in prior to the chemo drugs. One of the drugs, cisplatin, is known for not being kind to the kidneys, hence all the fluids and therefore the overwhelming urge to pee....again....yeah, gotta go and oh yeah....

CANCER CAN SUCK IT! IM ZAPPING THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS RIGHT NOW!!!!

Day 34

And all is well...

I went to Hawaii, it was AWESOME! We are gonna book more tickets and go back again this summer/fall. Beautiful! We went snorkeling, Stand Up Paddling, Jeff went surfing (I watched), hiking, swimming, ate a bunch of pineapple, papaya, coconut, and little apple bananas. No mango for me (can't stand mango). Got to meet about half of Jeff's family which was really nice and got to relax on the beach a bunch.

On last Friday I had an appointment with an oncologist at OHSU specializing in GI cancer. She was super informative, communicative, and nice. They have this conference on Tuesdays where they discuss their new patients (like me) and their cases. All different specialities are in the room (surgeons, oncologists, radiologists, etc) and they are going to be discussing me at tomorrow's session. I have been told that I could be a candidate for liver transplant as long as my lymph nodes are cancer free. One of them showed up as enlarged in the PET scan, but no one saw any cancer in there. Jeff just bought me a rebounder (little round exercise trampoline) that is supposed to be great at draining your lymph nodes. Unlike our muscles releasing toxins from our body through exercising them the lymph nodes do not have any way of getting rid of the toxins except for a "bouncy" type of exercise (running, hiking, bouncing...get the picture) like the rebounder. They say that 10 minutes on the rebounder is better than 30 minutes of running. More toxins get released and the impact on your body is better etc. I am also getting my hands of this cream called Keeping Abreast of It! and it is good for helping to drain your lymph nodes as well. I am just trying to keep them healthy so I can get me a liver soon :)

I begin chemotherapy (cancelled my other appointment as I just wasn't sure about it yet) on Wednesday. Once a week for 3 weeks, then 2 weeks off, 3 weeks on, 2 weeks off, 3 weeks on, then I'm done for a while. Ryan's girlfriend Lauren said to me "Just look at it like this. Sometimes very depressed people need a drug to help them be able to help themselves then they can dump the drug as they are on the road to healing."

WOW!

I hadn't considered it this way before. It made sense to me and I now feel much better about things. I think that the combo of western/modern medicine and natural healing can compliment each other, especially when you really don't have much time to f@ck around in the first place.

I fired my crackpot naturopath. I swear it felt like he was trying to kill me and sell the rest of my good organs on the black market. I am in the process of fining another. Not a whole lot going on this week so I might be able to get an appointment soon.

Jeff and I spent the day at Lowes and the Home Depot. We are constructing a raised garden in our back yard (picture coming soon), so we bought soil (not dirt and yes, it is organic), and some boards for the boarders, a ladder to trim our bushes and trees, two air purifiers (one little one for the bedroom and a big one for the main area). Got to have clean, healthy air. We also bought a little outdoor fire cauldron so we can sit on our patio by the fire and feel like we are camping....YES!!!!

I am psyched to find another place in PDX where I can get a yummy meal free of dairy, soy, sugar and well...ok it does have meat, shrimp, but I also found out that I can eat shrimp so YAY!!!! Coconut rice with black beans and fresh made salsa with two small little shrimp tacos with fresh cabbage, red onions, tomatoes, and cilantro. Found it at Roots Brewery, only the best brewery ever. I'm not drinking anymore but I was the designated driver (a little duty I am assuming that I will have to get used to) so I got to watch everyone else enjoy the beer. Honestly I do not even miss it anymore. I don't even miss sugar really anymore either. I find that I am liking a lot of things that I never used to like, such as ginger. I used to HATE ginger, well except for ginger snaps. Now I love it and even in the strongest amounts can barely even taste it where it used to completely overpower my little taste buds and make my throat hurt. Strange huh?

I am also going to be spending some time looking at some different retreat/healing center/institutes such as the Kushi Institute in California. I feel the need to go away for a couple of weeks and meditate, relax, get healthy, and focus on nothing but myself for a while (no cats, no dogs, no laundry, no dishes, no cleaning......nothing). I think it would do wonders for me.

Ok, enough for now. I will post more when I know what came of the meeting at OHSU. I gotta go make a shot of wheatgrass juice and a green juice. Stephanie (Bills) is in town and when she gets here (anytime now) her, Jeff, and I are going to get some tacos at Roots.

OH! I am going to be posting a "wish list" soon of some things (books, appliances, etc.) that I would love to purchase but there isn't enough money for them. If you have any of the mentioned things lying around feel free to send it my way :) List coming soon.

Thank you for all of the beautiful cards, letters, notes, DVD's, books, and research! They inspire me every day and I am constantly thinking about how many wonderful people there are in my life and how lucky I am to know every single one of you.

Much love, peace, and light to everyone!

cancer can suck it

Day 20 cont.

After some Rescue Remedy my day got much better. As suspected my doctors appointment today began with a visit with my oncologist Dr. Shao. The mammogram was normal, the colonoscopy and endoscopy were normal and we got the DNA test back. It was 96% positive that the cancer is originating in my bile duct.

Even though this is some pretty shitty cancer to have and it is pretty rare, this is actually great news. It is nowhere else in my body just yet, thankfully.....this makes me a candidate for a liver transplant. I am young, active, healthy, cancer free everywhere else, perfect candidate for a transplant, right? No worries about the bile duct because it is encompassed in the liver so it is a one shot deal, two for one kinda thing. I could have began chemotherapy today but I after Jeff and I had a heart to heart with Dr. Shao, picked his brain thoroughly, and asked almost any and every question we could think of we decided that I would forego chemo treatment until I return from Hawaii, giving us time to think and talk more about it on the beach :)

, now I have an appointment with OHSU the day after I arrive home with a liver specialist/oncologist there. I will be speaking with them about getting placed on the transplant list for a liver. Makes me understand why it is so important to become an organ donor. I wonder if I will get bad karma for not being a donor all these years....

The wonderful nurse assistant for Dr. Shao is also in the process of scheduling me with the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle for another appointment and another opinion. In addition Jeff and I are considering traveling to Boston to visit the Mayo Clinic if need be. Jeff confided in me today that he has a good feeling about OHSU, and I have to say that I agree with him.

Organization.

That is an important part of my life. I hate it when things are lying around all willy nilly and in piles that are not neatly stacked or contained. I spent some crazy cleaning jazzed up wheatgrass shot time with my new Dyson D-28 $550 vacuum cleaning the floors, corners, furniture, stairwells, attic, and dustbunny caves all over the house this afternoon. Then I proceeded to dust long forgotten shelves and organize books on the shelves, clean the bathroom, do 2 loads of laundry, change the sheets on the guest bed for our house/pet sitter, cook dinner, clean the dishes,

TOOK A LONG HOT EPSOM SALT AND LAVENDER BATH......ahhhhhhhh...............

This is what wheatgrass shots will do for you. Want energy, go get yourself some wheatgrass juice. No kidding.

Tomorrow is devoted to yoga and some mellow sorting of shorts, tanks, hats, skirts, flip-flops, dresses, camera, cribbage board, cards, snacks, toiletries, and sunscreen for the much anticipated trip to Oahu. Sounds good to me.

I am also in the process of gathering up all of my medical records from all of the stuff I have been having done so I got stuff to show all these new docs.

That's the update tonight. My crappy day turned out to be pretty darn good after all. I mean the Mariners even won the game tonight and everything. Not bad at all.

Cancer can suck it! Yeah, that's right.

Blessings and a good evening to all.

Laura