It's been a while...

I feel like nothing is going on and everything is going on at the same time.  Things have been mostly more of the same, going to IV's on a regular basis and spending a lot of time in doctors offices and clinics.  When I haven't been there I have been spending a lot of time with my family.  I have been so busy for months but it has been a good kind of busy and the past three months have just flown by.  I have been hanging out at dads quite a bit and I even caught my very first salmon!  Another check for the bucket list :)

Cooking breaky

I went on a road trip with my mom and aunt at the end of May.  Our whole trip was rock hounding in southeastern Oregon.  We found lots of agate and sunstones and some apache tears, the weather was nice and I always love camping.  I always sleep better in a tent in my sleeping bag than I do at home in bed or in a strange hotel with crunchy bed sheets and never enough soft covers.  A nice soft sleeping pad and puffy sleeping bag is always the preference in my book and feels like heaven.  One night we even got to sleep in a teepee!  It was awesome and now I totally want a teepee.  I felt like I was back in time sleeping next to the crackling fire in the teepee.  Does it really get much better than that?!  Way better than a hotel.

After my little trip it was back to the grind of chemo and C IV's.  I also had a CT scan in June.  I was really hoping that the results would say "What cancer?" and my plan was to hopefully take a break from chemo for a few months.  Lately, I have really been feeling the effects of the chemotherapy and scheming up a plan to take a break.  Every time I get it lately it feels a little worse each time, like it's starting to eat away my brain again, making me very tired and low energy for about a week afterward.  My blood counts are looking pretty good though (as good as they are going to on chemotherapy anyway) so I really am not complaining too much because things can always be worse.

Firemaker!

Soooo.....back to the scan.  The scan showed that there is a tumor that started growing again and it has actually grown 30% in the last two months, so it is something to be concerned about.  My oncologist  contacted my radiologist and together we determined that the best course of action is going to be to get internal radiation again (Y-90 or yttrium 90 radioembolization).  Remember the last time I got radiation?  It was last year on Valentines day and it unexpectedly wiped me out for months.  This time I am manifesting an easy recovery.  I know what to expect and I am pretty sure that I have my meds sorted out this time.  They are also going to only radiate one tumor on the right side of my liver.  Last time they radiated numerous tumors in the smaller left side of my liver which was right against my stomach and I feel that is what caused a lot of the pain and delayed my recovery.  The right side of my liver is the more "healthy" side and it has actually grown about 30% to compensate for the carnage on the left side of my liver.  I am thinking that because of these things this radiation surgery shouldn't be nearly as bad as the last one, right? Yes, right :)

Me and my mama in a beautiful canyon

This procedure is going to happen at the end of this month.  My mom and I are going on another road trip tomorrow to do some more rock hounding and some touristy sight seeing for a couple of weeks (more camping and late night stars!) and once I return I will be getting an angiogram surgery to map out my veins and blood vessels, and to measure how much of the Y-90 they will need to blast my tumor into the next dimension.  After they determine those measurements and routes through the superhighway of veins and blood vessels to the tumor I will have approximately 7 days before the radiation surgery happens.  By my calculations after I return from this road trip I am going to be busy for a while...However, I am going to heal fast, fast, fast!  Once I am all healed up from my radiation my father and I are planning another rock hounding adventure in Colorado and Utah.  I figured I might as well have something to look forward to in order to heal faster from my surgery and radiation.  The promise of hunting rocks and sleeping under the stars should do the trick :)

I'm hoping all of  you out there are having a wonderful summer and are all happy, healthy, and full of life!

Cancer Can Suck It!!!

Giving Thanks. What a difference a year can make!

I have been doing some reflecting these past weeks.  Thinking about what was going on this time last year and how much things have changed since then.  There is a lot to be thankful for.

At this time last year I was living with my ex.  His sister and her family (her husband, a 2 year old, and a 2 month old) had been staying with us indefinitely.  They weren't helping out with the household finances in any way.  If anything they were using way to much water (washing the coffee pot out for 20  minutes at a time), generating too much garbage (one entire kitchen sized bag every day), sneaking alcohol into the house (someone was an alcoholic), and in general causing a lot of problems for my boyfriend and I.  I remember all of the fights and anger, all the tiptoeing around everyone.  I chose to take the upstairs room as my escape from all the noise and drama unfolding downstairs.  My ex was hardly ever home as he was in school at the time and when he was not in class or studying he was at the bar escaping the situation.  Lets just say that things in our home were not happy in the slightest way.  I am not one to keep my opinions to myself for very long, especially when the situation is not improving and even more so if it is going on in my home.  I voiced my opinion on many occasions, nicely at first then as time went on I became more vocal and more pissed off at the situation.  I felt it was horribly disrespectful to have an entire family living with us, a family with two small children and an alcoholic.  A family where no one was seriously trying to get a job or help out with anything at all.  I made enemies not only out of my boyfriends family, but by this time my boyfriend hated me too.  He couldn't understand how I could be so cold toward his sister and her family.  I was pissed that I had liver cancer and somehow it was ok to just sit and watch an alcoholic destroy their family and my relationship.  No one else seemed to care.  Boyfriend just went off to the bar, and I was the one who was being the bitch.  Who cared if I was in chemotherapy at the time?  Who cared that I only weighed about 108 pounds and came home from chemo feeling like a train just ran over me?  Who cared that my brain felt like it was melting out of my ears and that I was an emotional wreck?  Who cared that I actually felt like I could die at any given moment?  Certainly not my boyfriend or his family.

Shortly before Thanksgiving last year boyfriends sister and family finally left us.  It wasn't their decision, it all came down because the alcoholism could no longer be swept under the rug.  Everyone's nerves were finally tested to their limits.  I was overjoyed that I could finally get some peace and quiet and that I didn't have to hide myself or my food from anyone.  I was elated that I could finally feel at home in my home and that I wasn't exiled to the attic anymore.  I was excited that boyfriend and I could get to work on mending those connections that were severed due to family drama.  I left for Seattle so that bf's family could pack in peace and so that bf could spend a little more "quality" time with them without me around.  It took a week for them to be gone.  I waited anxiously to return to a quiet home, I was so looking forward to having bf all to myself.  I wasn't really prepared for what happened upon my arrival.

I came walking through the door to find bf in his usual spot parked on the sofa watching sports (any sport would do) and playing solitaire on his computer.  This didn't surprise me at all as this was the norm in our house.  I expected that he would be excited to see me and excited that we had our home back, drama free.  He would barely even look at me.  I knew something was wrong so I approached him and asked point blank what it was.  This is when he told me that he blamed me for everything that went wrong with his sister and their family.  He told me that I was the one who was unreasonable and that I handled the entire situation badly.  He didn't know if he could be with someone who treated his family in the way I did.  Apparently I was supposed to be ok with being exiled to the attic where I couldn't even stand up.  Apparently I was supposed to be alright with not even feeling comfortable in my own home, not being able to cook meals without a 2 year old "helping" me, ok with the mounting pile of water and utility bills.  I was apparently supposed to be ok with having an alcoholic living under my roof (quite ironic really considering I have liver cancer).  Apparently I was supposed to just let it slide and accept that I had to live with all of this while fighting for my life, and while approaching 2 years of chemotherapy.  He was mad at me, very mad.  My illusion of things returning to normal around the house was shattered.   I had been thinking about moving out of the house for a while (ever since sister showed up) and this new situation only hastened that process.  I called my mom for advice.  She knew everything that had been happening.  We made plans.  She came down to Portland, forgoing our family tradition of Thanksgiving at my gramma's house in Olympia.  We spent Thanksgiving packing and moving most of my belongings into a storage unit in Portland.  I had no where to live but I knew I needed to get out of the house and out of the current situation.  How can someone heal when there is nothing but negativity, animosity, anger, resentment, and bad energy surrounding them at all times?  My mom came to Portland nearly every week to help me deal with my situation.  By December 10th I was out of bf's home.  I had no where to go at the time and felt so alone that I did not even ask any of my friends if I could stay with them.  I didn't want to subject them to my drama, nor did I expect anyone to have to put up with my aging kitty who doesn't like to use her litter box anymore in her old age.  What did I do?  My mom bought me the Christmas present of a week in a nearby hotel.  I couldn't leave for Seattle right away as I had a lot of doctors appointments for both my cat and myself coming up, so I had to stay in town.  I spent 7 nights at a cheap motel, but at least I was alone and not having to deal with drama.  My things were scattered between a storage unit, my aunts house in WA, and at bf's house.  I had my cat and a couple of duffel bags of clothes.  It was at this time I decided to stop my chemo treatments.  I literally felt like they were killing me.  Every time I got chemo I could literally feel my brain cells popping in my head.  My eyes hurt from the toxic fumes off gassing from my body.  I could smell the chemo, I could taste it, I could feel it eating away at my body.  I was a complete an utter mess from the inside out.  I was so deflated and felt so abandoned and alone.  When all of the appointments were over I packed up the car with duffles, kitty, and kitty supplies and made the drive to Seattle not knowing what was going to happen next.  I notified bf (we were still trying to make things work at this point) that we would not be spending Christmas together and spent the next couple of weeks sleeping on my mom's sofa in her apartment in Seattle.  During that time I was notified that an apartment in government housing came up for me.  The day after Christmas my mom and aunt helped me pack up and gather some of my things from storage and we moved me into a tiny (325sq/ft) studio in the most disgusting building I had ever seen.  The day was a giant blur.  Drive 3 hours from Seattle with a diabetic, aging cat.  We crammed some of my belongings into the tiny space.  I said goodbye to my mom and aunt as they both had to work the next day.  Then I was left alone in my new space.  I got asked if I wanted to buy drugs by one of the tenants and was informed that I could find any drug I wanted at this new home of mine.  I was appalled!  I felt so alone and abandoned.  I quite seriously contemplated throwing myself in front of a bus.  Everything felt like it was it was being ripped apart at the seems and I did not see how in the world I was going to make it.  I really tried to find the bright spot but everything was so dark.  In the prior weeks I kept saying that I needed to get out of my situation at my home and that I just need somewhere, anywhere to live other than that house filled with bad energy.  I got exactly what I asked for.  A place to live, any place.  I guess I needed to be more specific :)

It has been a year now since all of this drama was so ever present and unavoidable in my life.  A lot has happened in the past 365 days.  I had hit the bottom, rock bottom, yet I still felt like the bottom kept falling out from under me.  I decided to try to make my world better.  I started focusing on exactly what I wanted and made notes to the universe telling it exactly what I needed to begin healing in every way.  I focused all of my energy on eating healthy, making juices, and finding a new apartment that was not so scary or dirty.  In two and a half months I found this new place, the place I am in now.  It is so much healthier and better than the last place.  I don't get solicited for drugs, my neighbors are very nice and I have actually made friends in the building.  I have more than one room to occupy and 225 more square feet to do it in.  I even have a little patio.  My cat is feeling much better too.  Shortly before I moved out of bf's house the vet told me that she was having thyroid issues (more medication, more $ out of my pocket).  She was not feeling good at that time at all.  I think it was mostly due to the stress of the living situation.  She has always picked up on my stress.  She runs and hides at the sound of an F-bomb.  She knows when I am not happy.  Even though she has thyroid issues on top of being diabetic, my cat is so much happier now as am I.

It has nearly been an entire year since my last chemo treatment.  In some ways it feels like it was just last week and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago.  My liver still hurts, not as bad or as often as it did while I was getting chemo so for that I am thankful.  I still have chemo brain and neuropathy, but again, not as bad as it was a year ago.  I have gained weight (and now it is time to stop) and muscle mass, and hair back and that is a good thing.  There is one other thing too.

For the very first time in my entire life I am completely happy to be alone and not in a relationship with a man.  Now I have said this before, halfheartedly, trying to pump myself up after getting out of a bad relationship with someone, trying to tell myself that I did not want to be in a relationship and that I was taking time for myself.  I am sure we have all been there at some point.  Trying to spend our time on ourselves rather than on a failing relationship.  But this is actually the first time in my 41 years of life that I truly mean it.  I am so glad that I don't need to tiptoe around someone.  I am so glad that I don't have to feel like I am constantly doing something wrong or wonder why someone is mad at me.  I don't have to sit and pretend that I enjoy watching sports just to spend some time with someone even though they are just ignoring me anyway and playing solitaire on the computer.  I am so glad that my evenings out to dinner don't require that I go to a bar and eat horrible bar food while sitting there watching my significant other get wasted.  I am so glad that I have a clean, healthy, drug free, bed bug free, quiet, cigarette smokeless, drama free roof over my head.  I am so thankful to all of my friends and family who helped me get to this point as it has not been an easy path.  I am incredibly thankful that my cancer has not grown as of the last scan I had and hopeful that January's scan will show the same results.  I am thankful that I am comfortable enough with myself and that I love myself enough to take care of me, that I was strong enough to be able to remove myself from a relationship that at first I thought was the best ever, but only ended up being one of the worst ever.  I am thankful that even though my last relationship was riddled with problems and dotted with disappointments that I can still find the lesson in it and not carry the negativity around with me letting it cloud my expectations or desires of the next one in my life.  I am so incredibly thankful that I find enough value in myself to love myself, be good to myself, treat my body and my soul right and not to blame myself for what is not "right" in my life but to  focus on all that is right with the world.  I am thankful to be able to share my experience with others and to be able to help in any small way I can.  I am thankful to be alive and still functioning even after such a grim prognosis no so long ago.  I am so happy to have my father living closer to me and that my relationships with my mom and dad are so much better, with more feelings, forgiveness, understanding and love than they have ever been before (thanks cancer).  I am also very thankful that the same can be said about my friendships too.  I love all of my friends so much.  I am thankful that my first reaction is love and not anger and that I am holding no resentment inside towards anyone anymore.

There is so much to be thankful for, so much, including all of you out there reading this.  As this year comes to a close and the new one begins let us all find it in our hearts to love ourselves and feel good about who we are.  Once we find it within to love ourselves we are able to love others without limit.  We will begin treating each other with more respect and grace, we will not have room in our hearts for hatred for it will be filled with joy and gratitude instead.  Our world will reflect our attitudes and we will attract more love into our lives and who could argue with that.

It is amazing the difference one year can make.

I'm not complaining. Ok, maybe a little bit.

Oh where to start...

Fall Colors on the Angel's Rest Trail

I have been keeping some things to myself lately, mostly because I wasn't really sure how I felt about them, and partly because I really don't want to complain.  I mean really, what do I have to complain about?  I am alive.  I am much healthier than I was no so long ago.  I don't have to get chemotherapy every other week.  I can think much clearer than at the beginning of the year.  I don't have the gigantic emotional tsunamis washing over me every time I turn around.  I am in a much better living situation in a clean, subsidized apartment with nice neighbors.  I finally have gotten rid of all of the drama in my life from a very unhealthy relationship and that feels really good.  I have been realistic in my expectations of how long it will take to get over chemotherapy side effects by not expecting to automatically rebound back into full blown life yet by setting achievable goals and realistic expectations of myself and knowing my physical, mental and emotional boundaries.  It has been feeling great to volunteer and give back to the world without having to commit to 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, something I know would simply not be feasible at this point.  I have been spending a lot of time with my family and my friends which feels wonderful.  I have also been spending time on me, detoxing with baths, juice, dry brushing, rebounding, eating well, avoiding chemicals, processed foods and other toxins, hiking, climbing, and other forms of exercise, trying to get my RBC, WBC, platelets, neutrophils and other blood counts back into the normal range.  It all sounds pretty good huh?  So what's bothering me?  I think I may have some of it figured out.  I also think I need to make an appointment with a professional therapist or survivor group just to get this verbally out into the universe and to get some non-biased feedback from someone who does not know me.

I was perusing some sites today, trying to pinpoint exactly what has been bugging me.  It is actually not one single thing I discovered, but a multitude of things stemming from one cause.
Drumroll please......CANCER

A fitting metaphor

I have been feeling somewhat depressed for a while now.  Ok, before you get the impression that I am ready to toss myself in front of a bus let me explain.  When I was diagnosed I was in shock at first, not wanting to even tell anyone because I didn't want to be handled with kid gloves.  A very short while later I decided that I was going to rally and tell the world, bring it to everyones attention that this young, active, healthy individual was just diagnosed with an extensive terminal illness.  I wanted to share my research on how to be even healthier with everyone so that they might not have to ever get the "you've got cancer" speech from their doctor.  I rallied hard.  I went through nearly 2 years of chemotherapy, all the while getting nutritional IV's to counter as many of the nasty side effects of chemo that I could.  I changed my diet, my lifestyle, took control of my health, saw a doctor on a weekly (sometimes more) schedule and did everything that I could to be proactive with regards to my health and wellbeing.  I had a huge network of friends and family to give me encouragement and support.  Nearly a year ago I decided against my oncologists advisement to stop my chemo treatments.  They were just becoming too much for me to handle and I felt like I was really coming apart physically, mentally, emotionally and in every way.  I literally felt like they were killing me and everyone else noticed too.  Since quitting chemo I have been slowly pulling all the little pieces back into place, leaving the ones out that no longer serve me and substituting better ones.  I have gone from seeing my oncologist every month, to every other month, to once in 4 months, and now I am at the point of getting another scan in January to check out what is going on inside of me.  This feels very unusual.  I was tossed into a tornado of doctors, scans, IV's, port placement surgery, biopsies, mammograms, blood draws, medical bills, nurses, oncologists, financial counselors, medicaid, naturopaths, and somehow I was still keeping up in grad school, putting dinner on the table every night, doing all of the grocery shopping, cleaning the house, driving myself to my chemotherapy/naturopath appointments, keeping track of all of my records, and all the rest of life.  Now I go see my oncologist...I'm in there for about 5 minutes trying to tell him all kinds of stuff (why does my liver hurt more now? why do I itch like crazy when my skin isn't dry? why don't I  have my female cycle anymore?  why do I have absolutely no sex drive what so ever? why am I so tired all of the time? why am I so sensitive to noise or smells? when do we do more liver enzyme tests?).  As you can see I most likely drive him crazy.  He doesn't have these answers, no one really does.  I feel like the whirlwind of treatment and hustling to beat down the tumors is over and that I am left with debris everywhere to pick up and piece back together again.

I have been asked by some "Hey, you aren't getting treatment anymore so that means you can re-enter the work force again, right?"
How about if I were to ask this, "Hey, the tornado is gone and your house is leveled to the ground so you are going to move back in though, right?"

It isn't that easy.  I wish it were.  But if everything were just that easy then it wouldn't be worth fighting for would it?

It is pretty awakening to find out just how close death can be.  Once you are told that you could die soon you realize just how much of an emotional burden this is to carry around with you.  Believe me I think about it every single day and appreciate just how fragile life is.  It is traumatic! Adjusting to that at first was all about fighting for my life.  I have put many days into this fight and am now emerging from the wreckage with most of myself still intact sorting through it all, piecing things back together little by little, slowly but surely getting there bit by bit.  The emotional roller coaster doesn't have as many loops, twists and turns as it once did but it is still a ride.

Fatigue has been a common companion for years now.  The fatigue brought on by chemo was debilitating but I powered through a lot of it by refusing to let it limit my life to my bed or sofa.  I still went skiing, hiking, climbing and did the things I loved.  My attitude was that if I might die it will be in the woods doing something I love and not in a bed hooked up to an IV.  This is also what kept things real for me.  Being outside has always been my favorite form of meditation, soul searching and head clearing.  Now fatigue still haunts me but in a different way.  Not so much in the way that I am physically slammed and glued to my bed or sofa although that happens about once a week still too.  More so in the way that comes and goes unexpectedly.  There are sometimes days on end where I am feeling pretty good overall and one day I hit the wall and am slumbering all day long with not even enough energy to cook a meal (can you say smoothie).  Some days I feel good, the next day bad.  There are days when I feel good for half the day and crappy for the other half.  It is really a mixed bag. You never know what is going to happen.  I have been learning to just cope with it and not to feel bad if I didn't get to whatever it was I had planned to do that day.

The simple pleasures in life

To look at me one would most likely never know that I even have had cancer (it's still there but last I heard it was still dead so I am sticking with HAD).  This makes for some very unusual and sometimes awkward situations.  The other day I was volunteering at an event and all of the sudden I had excruciating pain in my liver that took my breath away and stopped me in my tracks.  I just stood there clutching my side not knowing what to do or what it meant.  Luckily it passed and I didn't have to make an excuse to leave the event.  Just because I look "normal" doesn't mean that I feel normal or that everything is normal.  Just because I am not getting toxic chemotherapy does not mean that I am now cured or that I am feeling awesome or that everything just can happily go back to the way things were pre-cancer.  If anything I am more on my own than I have ever been.  I am not taking pharmaceuticals so that means I don't go see a doctor who wants to monitor anything anymore, meaning that I have to be receptive and responsive to my own body and what it is telling me about my state of health.  It means I have to be extra vigilant about my diet, exposure to toxins, exercise, sleep and over all health.  It means I need to listen to my body when it tells me it is at its limits instead of sucking it up and pushing through anyway.  It means that I have to be on top of my natural care and keep getting nutritional IV's (I can't get high dose vitamin C IV's anymore which are known to kill cancer, as they are just too expensive), taking my supplements, and doing everything I can in order to avoid ever having to be faced with making a decision about chemotherapy again.  To hear me talk you would not think that I am struggling with money, or pain, or health, or neuropathy.  I don't usually talk about those things unless I am prodded some.  When someone asks me how I am doing/feeling I will say that "I feel great" or that "I am doing really good" and that is not a lie.  I am.  I feel much better than I did 1 or 2 years ago, and I am alive and still in good spirits, able to love and laugh and see the beauty in every single day.  So overall, what do I really have to complain about?  Let's see: fatigue, lack of mental clarity/focus, chronic pain, neuropathy, financial stress (still living on $7/day), worry about the future/cancer recurrence/secondary cancers, lack of concentration, paying for treatments not covered by insurance, people thinking things are great and back to normal now that chemotherapy is over, how to move on to a new normal when you don't even know what normal is or if you even want "normal" anymore anyway...what if "normal" is what contributed to getting cancer in the first place?

I am giving myself a present.  I am giving myself time to fight my cancer and time to heal from it.  I am so happy to be able to give thanks for all of the things in my life that are so good and right and healthy and loving instead of only seeing what is wrong or what I am missing because of my situation.  I am choosing to focus on everything good and put my attention and energy there so that I get good in return.  The very day I was diagnosed I remember sitting in my back yard watching the trees and birds and thinking to myself "I may never see this again" and then instantly thinking to myself "NO! I will never see this again because this is one moment in my life and it has no equal."  This is when I changed my thought process from what I might not get to have/do to focusing on everything that I do have and can do.  This is another reason why it was so hard for me to write this post today.  It is why I have been kind of quiet on my blog for a while.  I really feel like I have no right to complain about anything, even though life is still quite the struggle.  I am not one to complain, especially since my perspective has been changed so drastically.  Today I had to get it out.  It felt like the thing to do.

In the meantime I am continuing to volunteer at various places, getting my feet wet again so to speak so I am prepared for a full time job when I have the opportunity and ability.  I am looking forward to ski season and getting to use my awesome birthday/early Christmas present from my mom and dad of a midweek pass to my favorite local mountain.  I get out and hike as much as I can when I can (even in the rain) when I feel good, fresh air is medicine for my soul.  I don't leave my house much except to occasionally meet a friend for tea or to see family as every time I leave my house it costs money (either money for gas to get there or money for wherever you go) and living on $7 a day will quickly teach you how to become self entertaining and resourceful and that staying home is often the best entertainment.  I continue to make mobiles to help pay for medical expenses at my naturopath and for a little extra gas money so if you want one please let me know.  They make great Christmas presents (hint, hint) :)

Here is a great article about cancer survivorship and issues cancer survivors face.  Many of these really hit a chord in me.  It felt good to find a sort of validation for the many feelings I have been having both emotionally and physically.  You may find some enlightenment in it as well.

I have also been thinking a lot about self love lately.  Doesn't it make sense that if we loved ourselves more, we would make better choices about our health/food/life etc, be nicer and more loving toward other people and animals and to our environment, ultimately leading to a shift in consciousness that could radiate out and become a revolution?

Pobody's Nerfect!

As I sit drinking my morning cup of green juice made with cucumbers, spinach, celery, carrots, ginger, half an apple, parsley, and a lemon (with most of the peel removed) I am reminded about how much I forget or neglect some things in my life.

Today's post is dedicated to all of us who procrastinate, forget, or are sometimes just too lazy to do certain things.  I am certainly guilty of all of these things.  Procrastination, lets see...I think I am pretty darn good at that.  Sometimes I am on it, but other times I put things off until the very last minute.  Forgetfulness, well lets just say that chemo took care of the short term memory and that there are still moments, entire days actually, lost from my memory as a result of chemotherapy.  And laziness, ah yes, my old pal.  I have never been a lazy person.  Even while on chemotherapy I still got off my butt and got outside and played in the wilderness, rock climbing, hiking, skiing or just sitting somewhere beautiful.  Sometimes, often actually, I get dead tired (again I am attributing this to the chemo and my body healing itself and detoxing the dead tumor matter from my liver) and I sit and do absolutely nothing at all, unless it is to sleep and nap on the sofa all day long.  I forget to take my supplements (or is that laziness, OR is it because I want to stretch them as far as possible because they are expensive) and I often go far too long before I eat anything (the appetite is still in need of improvement), and I know that is not good for a healing body.

Sweet potato chips that went wrong.
Now they are treats for my friends pup :)

What I am trying to get at here is that nobody is perfect.  Why would anyone want to be? What fun would there be in life if we did not learn lessons from our past?  Even though I know that I should be doing certain things, I sometimes don't do them.  Why? I don't even begin to know the answer to that one.  But the most important take away message from this is that even though the going gets rough sometimes and you momentarily forget, procrastinate or get lazy you get back on that horse and ride it right into the setting sun.  Everyone of us (no matter how "perfect" they may seem to others) has our moments of stumbling and stagnation.  It is important though to remember that we need to be honest with ourselves and recognize when our "less-perfect" side is taking over our world and our health.  At this point we can either give into it and let it control our lives or we can recognize it and accept that we can't always be perfect and try again.  Don't let it get you down if you ate an entire box of donut holes last night.  Learn from it and listen to your body.  Really get in tune with how that made you feel.  Maybe it made you feel happy and satisfied at the time but the next morning were you suffering (bloated, gassy and irregular) or did you notice that you slept badly during the night or had weird dreams or even nightmares?  This is your body telling you that you gave it something that it did not need or want.  There is always time to change your habits.  There are always improvements to be made.  Just don't dwell too long on all of the things you want to improve upon so much that it gets you down and contributes to more negative behavior.  We all stumble a bit and that is the way we learn.  We cannot have light without the dark.

Hey! Pobody's Nerfect!