Anyway, today I have an appointment at the Center for Traditional Medicine and it happens to coincide with my friend Susan's appointment and I am so excited to see her! We have kind of a "girl" day planned. After our appointments at the CTM I will be accompanying her to some more doctors appointments. That is what happens when you have cancer, always some doctors appointment, always. As a matter of fact your doctors appointments and chemo and IV's etc are what you revolve your entire life around. Someone says "Hey! What are you doing tomorrow/next Tuesday/next week/etc. and you can't really say if you are going to feel good enough to do anything, that is IF you don't actually have an appointment that day. It is strange as you watch yourself deteriorating. Your memory going south, you can no longer multi-task or even single-task because you forget that you were even doing anything at all. You are all of the sudden that "flaky" friend that gets on everyones nerves because you either forgot (chemo brain) that you had a date with someone or you didn't anticipate feeling like crap so you have to cancel. Even your partner/caregiver gets annoyed because you are not the same person you used to be...
At least if you had dementia you wouldn't know you were so flaky and that your brain is turning to mush and your emotions are all over the chart most likely in big part from the all of the drugs coursing through your body, but you also wouldn't be able to notice that you are slowly going crazy. But actually knowing and seeing yourself become this person (moody/flaky/etc) is a hard thing to handle, especially if you used to be proud of how well you could handle complex situations and your organizational skills. Gone...Now I am a moody, flaky person who somehow always is able to see some positive in even the nastiest of situations, cling to it for dear life, and make even the most trying of days in to really good ones. You have got to, otherwise you would just fall down into a deep dark bottomless hole, and climbing out of that would be even harder. I think I will chose to step around it. Maybe one day this hole will be filled in, covered up, boarded up, and "KEEP OUT!" signs placed all around. Or perhaps one day this ugly hole will fill up with flowers and those yummy smelling plants I love so much. Yeah, that is what will happen!
As a good friend of mine says, "Today is a good, good day!"
Love you Bills!
