Giving Thanks. What a difference a year can make!

I have been doing some reflecting these past weeks.  Thinking about what was going on this time last year and how much things have changed since then.  There is a lot to be thankful for.

At this time last year I was living with my ex.  His sister and her family (her husband, a 2 year old, and a 2 month old) had been staying with us indefinitely.  They weren't helping out with the household finances in any way.  If anything they were using way to much water (washing the coffee pot out for 20  minutes at a time), generating too much garbage (one entire kitchen sized bag every day), sneaking alcohol into the house (someone was an alcoholic), and in general causing a lot of problems for my boyfriend and I.  I remember all of the fights and anger, all the tiptoeing around everyone.  I chose to take the upstairs room as my escape from all the noise and drama unfolding downstairs.  My ex was hardly ever home as he was in school at the time and when he was not in class or studying he was at the bar escaping the situation.  Lets just say that things in our home were not happy in the slightest way.  I am not one to keep my opinions to myself for very long, especially when the situation is not improving and even more so if it is going on in my home.  I voiced my opinion on many occasions, nicely at first then as time went on I became more vocal and more pissed off at the situation.  I felt it was horribly disrespectful to have an entire family living with us, a family with two small children and an alcoholic.  A family where no one was seriously trying to get a job or help out with anything at all.  I made enemies not only out of my boyfriends family, but by this time my boyfriend hated me too.  He couldn't understand how I could be so cold toward his sister and her family.  I was pissed that I had liver cancer and somehow it was ok to just sit and watch an alcoholic destroy their family and my relationship.  No one else seemed to care.  Boyfriend just went off to the bar, and I was the one who was being the bitch.  Who cared if I was in chemotherapy at the time?  Who cared that I only weighed about 108 pounds and came home from chemo feeling like a train just ran over me?  Who cared that my brain felt like it was melting out of my ears and that I was an emotional wreck?  Who cared that I actually felt like I could die at any given moment?  Certainly not my boyfriend or his family.

Shortly before Thanksgiving last year boyfriends sister and family finally left us.  It wasn't their decision, it all came down because the alcoholism could no longer be swept under the rug.  Everyone's nerves were finally tested to their limits.  I was overjoyed that I could finally get some peace and quiet and that I didn't have to hide myself or my food from anyone.  I was elated that I could finally feel at home in my home and that I wasn't exiled to the attic anymore.  I was excited that boyfriend and I could get to work on mending those connections that were severed due to family drama.  I left for Seattle so that bf's family could pack in peace and so that bf could spend a little more "quality" time with them without me around.  It took a week for them to be gone.  I waited anxiously to return to a quiet home, I was so looking forward to having bf all to myself.  I wasn't really prepared for what happened upon my arrival.

I came walking through the door to find bf in his usual spot parked on the sofa watching sports (any sport would do) and playing solitaire on his computer.  This didn't surprise me at all as this was the norm in our house.  I expected that he would be excited to see me and excited that we had our home back, drama free.  He would barely even look at me.  I knew something was wrong so I approached him and asked point blank what it was.  This is when he told me that he blamed me for everything that went wrong with his sister and their family.  He told me that I was the one who was unreasonable and that I handled the entire situation badly.  He didn't know if he could be with someone who treated his family in the way I did.  Apparently I was supposed to be ok with being exiled to the attic where I couldn't even stand up.  Apparently I was supposed to be alright with not even feeling comfortable in my own home, not being able to cook meals without a 2 year old "helping" me, ok with the mounting pile of water and utility bills.  I was apparently supposed to be ok with having an alcoholic living under my roof (quite ironic really considering I have liver cancer).  Apparently I was supposed to just let it slide and accept that I had to live with all of this while fighting for my life, and while approaching 2 years of chemotherapy.  He was mad at me, very mad.  My illusion of things returning to normal around the house was shattered.   I had been thinking about moving out of the house for a while (ever since sister showed up) and this new situation only hastened that process.  I called my mom for advice.  She knew everything that had been happening.  We made plans.  She came down to Portland, forgoing our family tradition of Thanksgiving at my gramma's house in Olympia.  We spent Thanksgiving packing and moving most of my belongings into a storage unit in Portland.  I had no where to live but I knew I needed to get out of the house and out of the current situation.  How can someone heal when there is nothing but negativity, animosity, anger, resentment, and bad energy surrounding them at all times?  My mom came to Portland nearly every week to help me deal with my situation.  By December 10th I was out of bf's home.  I had no where to go at the time and felt so alone that I did not even ask any of my friends if I could stay with them.  I didn't want to subject them to my drama, nor did I expect anyone to have to put up with my aging kitty who doesn't like to use her litter box anymore in her old age.  What did I do?  My mom bought me the Christmas present of a week in a nearby hotel.  I couldn't leave for Seattle right away as I had a lot of doctors appointments for both my cat and myself coming up, so I had to stay in town.  I spent 7 nights at a cheap motel, but at least I was alone and not having to deal with drama.  My things were scattered between a storage unit, my aunts house in WA, and at bf's house.  I had my cat and a couple of duffel bags of clothes.  It was at this time I decided to stop my chemo treatments.  I literally felt like they were killing me.  Every time I got chemo I could literally feel my brain cells popping in my head.  My eyes hurt from the toxic fumes off gassing from my body.  I could smell the chemo, I could taste it, I could feel it eating away at my body.  I was a complete an utter mess from the inside out.  I was so deflated and felt so abandoned and alone.  When all of the appointments were over I packed up the car with duffles, kitty, and kitty supplies and made the drive to Seattle not knowing what was going to happen next.  I notified bf (we were still trying to make things work at this point) that we would not be spending Christmas together and spent the next couple of weeks sleeping on my mom's sofa in her apartment in Seattle.  During that time I was notified that an apartment in government housing came up for me.  The day after Christmas my mom and aunt helped me pack up and gather some of my things from storage and we moved me into a tiny (325sq/ft) studio in the most disgusting building I had ever seen.  The day was a giant blur.  Drive 3 hours from Seattle with a diabetic, aging cat.  We crammed some of my belongings into the tiny space.  I said goodbye to my mom and aunt as they both had to work the next day.  Then I was left alone in my new space.  I got asked if I wanted to buy drugs by one of the tenants and was informed that I could find any drug I wanted at this new home of mine.  I was appalled!  I felt so alone and abandoned.  I quite seriously contemplated throwing myself in front of a bus.  Everything felt like it was it was being ripped apart at the seems and I did not see how in the world I was going to make it.  I really tried to find the bright spot but everything was so dark.  In the prior weeks I kept saying that I needed to get out of my situation at my home and that I just need somewhere, anywhere to live other than that house filled with bad energy.  I got exactly what I asked for.  A place to live, any place.  I guess I needed to be more specific :)

It has been a year now since all of this drama was so ever present and unavoidable in my life.  A lot has happened in the past 365 days.  I had hit the bottom, rock bottom, yet I still felt like the bottom kept falling out from under me.  I decided to try to make my world better.  I started focusing on exactly what I wanted and made notes to the universe telling it exactly what I needed to begin healing in every way.  I focused all of my energy on eating healthy, making juices, and finding a new apartment that was not so scary or dirty.  In two and a half months I found this new place, the place I am in now.  It is so much healthier and better than the last place.  I don't get solicited for drugs, my neighbors are very nice and I have actually made friends in the building.  I have more than one room to occupy and 225 more square feet to do it in.  I even have a little patio.  My cat is feeling much better too.  Shortly before I moved out of bf's house the vet told me that she was having thyroid issues (more medication, more $ out of my pocket).  She was not feeling good at that time at all.  I think it was mostly due to the stress of the living situation.  She has always picked up on my stress.  She runs and hides at the sound of an F-bomb.  She knows when I am not happy.  Even though she has thyroid issues on top of being diabetic, my cat is so much happier now as am I.

It has nearly been an entire year since my last chemo treatment.  In some ways it feels like it was just last week and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago.  My liver still hurts, not as bad or as often as it did while I was getting chemo so for that I am thankful.  I still have chemo brain and neuropathy, but again, not as bad as it was a year ago.  I have gained weight (and now it is time to stop) and muscle mass, and hair back and that is a good thing.  There is one other thing too.

For the very first time in my entire life I am completely happy to be alone and not in a relationship with a man.  Now I have said this before, halfheartedly, trying to pump myself up after getting out of a bad relationship with someone, trying to tell myself that I did not want to be in a relationship and that I was taking time for myself.  I am sure we have all been there at some point.  Trying to spend our time on ourselves rather than on a failing relationship.  But this is actually the first time in my 41 years of life that I truly mean it.  I am so glad that I don't need to tiptoe around someone.  I am so glad that I don't have to feel like I am constantly doing something wrong or wonder why someone is mad at me.  I don't have to sit and pretend that I enjoy watching sports just to spend some time with someone even though they are just ignoring me anyway and playing solitaire on the computer.  I am so glad that my evenings out to dinner don't require that I go to a bar and eat horrible bar food while sitting there watching my significant other get wasted.  I am so glad that I have a clean, healthy, drug free, bed bug free, quiet, cigarette smokeless, drama free roof over my head.  I am so thankful to all of my friends and family who helped me get to this point as it has not been an easy path.  I am incredibly thankful that my cancer has not grown as of the last scan I had and hopeful that January's scan will show the same results.  I am thankful that I am comfortable enough with myself and that I love myself enough to take care of me, that I was strong enough to be able to remove myself from a relationship that at first I thought was the best ever, but only ended up being one of the worst ever.  I am thankful that even though my last relationship was riddled with problems and dotted with disappointments that I can still find the lesson in it and not carry the negativity around with me letting it cloud my expectations or desires of the next one in my life.  I am so incredibly thankful that I find enough value in myself to love myself, be good to myself, treat my body and my soul right and not to blame myself for what is not "right" in my life but to  focus on all that is right with the world.  I am thankful to be able to share my experience with others and to be able to help in any small way I can.  I am thankful to be alive and still functioning even after such a grim prognosis no so long ago.  I am so happy to have my father living closer to me and that my relationships with my mom and dad are so much better, with more feelings, forgiveness, understanding and love than they have ever been before (thanks cancer).  I am also very thankful that the same can be said about my friendships too.  I love all of my friends so much.  I am thankful that my first reaction is love and not anger and that I am holding no resentment inside towards anyone anymore.

There is so much to be thankful for, so much, including all of you out there reading this.  As this year comes to a close and the new one begins let us all find it in our hearts to love ourselves and feel good about who we are.  Once we find it within to love ourselves we are able to love others without limit.  We will begin treating each other with more respect and grace, we will not have room in our hearts for hatred for it will be filled with joy and gratitude instead.  Our world will reflect our attitudes and we will attract more love into our lives and who could argue with that.

It is amazing the difference one year can make.

"Sympathy" pain

Jeff and I at chemo July, 2010

I am still on cloud nine from the news from my recent scan.  Things look good here in cancer land.  I have yet to hear the words "remission" but I really don't care.  I suspect that is due to the fact that I still have cancer in my body, it is dead and shrinking every day, but it is still there.  Remission is kind of a dirty, tricky word anyway.  To be in remission means that you can just as easily be out of remission at any given moment.  Being told that I am in remission would cause me to worry about possibly being out of remission and honestly, I would rather not have that hanging over my head.  I would rather spend that energy in much healthier ways, like getting healthy, recovering from cancer and cancer treatments, regaining my mind power, focus, concentration and memory.  It still gets better on some small level every single day, not noticeably better from day to day, but better in comparison to months ago and for that I am so very thankful.

My two year "Cancerversary" was this recent Saturday.  I knew it was coming but when the day came I actually completely forgot all about it.  I guess I have had other things on my mind.  I should have been celebrating.

The boyfriend and I have been growing apart for quite some time now.  We have been losing our connection, both emotionally and physically.  I have felt it since the day he came with me to hear those words "You Have Cancer".  I can still vividly remember the look on his face before those words were even fully off the lips of the doctor.  At first I thought it was shock.  This is what I told myself for a long time.  What I failed to see, or perhaps did not want to see, is that it was indeed shock, but also some other things like pity, sympathy, and with those words the first unconscious brick was placed in the wall that would later come between us and our love for each other and lead to the demise of our relationship.

Every time I had a procedure or went for chemotherapy, another brick was placed in that wall.  Every time I confided in how much I hurt physically, how uncomfortable I was, every time I vomited or was too weak to fend for myself another brick went into that wall.  He began distancing himself from me.  He felt as if there was nothing he could do for me.  I am sure it was not easy for him to watch someone he loved having to go through such a fight for their life.  There were times he would even say out of frustration "I can't deal with this".  The first time was shortly after my diagnosis while we were in Hawaii.  It was just too much for him to handle and he shut down.  He stopped communicating with me completely.  I tried every tactic from tough love, to heart felt conversations to becoming angry and bitter but nothing could get him to open up about how he really felt.  This went on from the day I was diagnosed until one week ago.  There came a time that I finally gave up on trying to get him to communicate with me.  That was around last November.  We didn't spend the holidays together, we only hung out to ski or have a quick bite of lunch or dinner together then we both went our separate ways, usually with me going home and him going to a bar.  It was at one of those bars where he met someone who could fulfill his need for physical stimulation.  We hadn't had sex in months.  Even though we were still in a relationship he cheated on me.  This happened the day after I found out the awesome news from my last PET scan.  Perhaps he didn't feel quite so guilty about it because I no longer had cancer.  He wouldn't seem like such an ass then as he would if he cheated on his girlfriend while she was fighting for her life.  I don't blame him for seeking sexual connections with someone else, I had become unavailable to him in that way due to the lack of communication resulting in the lack of knowing how he felt about me.  I don't hate him.  Hate is a word I rarely use.  It just isn't in my vocabulary.  Much more can be solved from love than hate.

Then we had a much overdue conversation.  He came clean, and honestly talked to me about how he had been feeling for so long.  I know he still loves me and cares about me.  But there is a huge loss.  The fun we used to have, the connection we shared, the way we were so completely and deeply in love was lost the day I got my diagnosis.  All he could see was "sick Laura" and he felt as if he could do nothing at all for me.  He stayed with me for nearly two years yearning for what we once had pre-cancer.  He wished, as did I, that we could find that love again.  I watched hopelessly as my body ravaged from cancer and chemotherapy became a former vision of itself and became undesirable to the person I loved the most.  All of those times he used to sneak up behind me and hold me while planting little heated kisses on my neck were just gone.  It was if if he was afraid to touch me, afraid he might hurt me or break me or afraid that he might get "the cancer".  For two years he kept his mouth shut and did not communicate his true feelings.  He was afraid of hurting me and my feelings.  He fell out of love but never told me.  He stayed with me partly because he felt sorry for me!  He had the courage to finally disclose this to me recently.  Now let me just say that I am so appreciative to finally have an honest heart to heart conversation with him, but it still doesn't make it easy to hear that the person you loved was not with you out of love for you, instead they stayed with you because they had pity on you!  I had my suspicions that this was the case but none the less, it is still a hard truth to take.  An emotional punch to the gut, some one ripped your heart out of your chest and stomped on it a few times before returning it a bruised and broken mass.  The last two years of my life (in the relationship arena) have been a sham, nothing but deceit, dishonesty, lack of communication, lack of love, and full of someone who I though was acting out of love actually acting out of pity.

It hurts, cuts deep, makes me wonder when all of the loss that cancer brings with it will ever end.  Having cancer is a very lonely place.  I have a huge support group of friends and family out there and they, YOU, all have been my one constant in my life.  For that I thank you all from the very depths of my soul. As for my journey through cancer on a daily basis, I did it all alone.  I had no one to hold my hand when my body screamed from the toxic chemo cocktails injected in my veins.  No one to check on me when I woke up in the middle of the night vomiting my brains out.  No one to hold me and tell me that it would all be ok when I was so afraid of what was ahead.  Instead I put on a smile as best I could, tried to make it work, and hoped to god, the universe, pink unicorns, whoever/whatever that my beloved and I could make it through this and come out better on the other end.

I still love him.  I love the way we were, the luckiness and thankfulness we shared with each other in the beginning. I miss the planning and daydreaming of all the things we wanted to do together.  I miss the sweet, loving kind man I fell in love with.  This is what I will hold on to and will keep close to my heart.  Not the bitterness, lies, cheating, and pity.  We all have ways of dealing with, or not dealing with cancer.  Surviving cancer has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  I found a way.  I love my life! I love my lifestyle! I love who I have become from all of this! I love ME!  True, it hurts now but I can also see that it will lead to a blossoming of character and spirit and new growth, so fitting for spring.

Hopefully this will be the last of the hurt for a while.  Time to devote to myself and helping others.  Time to heal from all of the trauma and deceit.  Time to forge a new path into a bright new future filled with love, joy, compassion, admiration, and gratitude for every moment of every day.  A time for wholeness, or Sowelu a rune that was tattooed on my body so very long ago that constantly reminds me that we are all a part of a greater whole.


And just for the record,

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!

Day 283

I hope you all had a wonderful end to your year.

I think that this year will bring many many wonderful things to all of us.  I feel that 2011 is going to be a big year for me.  I am leaving myself open to all the possibilities so that not a single one passes me by.

I recently got to meet my mentor Kris Carr at a book signing at Barnes and Noble in Clackamas town center.  She was so mellow and nice and I really loved her. It was a super cool day!

On a much different note, it seems that I always have some kind of what I call "brain candy" book going at all times.  You know the one I'm talking about.  The trashy novel, or the romantic heroine type novel, or a thriller/sci fi type thing, you know "brain candy".  My brain candy is usually Dean Koontz, and for anyone who has ever read Dean Koontz knows that most of the stories are really kind of all the same, but for some reason he can draw you right into the story (well at least me).  Anyway, there was a paragraph in one of his books that I just finished (Odd Hours) and I have been re-reading it for the past week now because it means a lot to me.  It sums up how I feel about some things that are going on in my life at the moment as a result of last years cancer diagnosis.

Without any further ado:

"Grief can destroy you--or focus you.  You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone.  Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it.   But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill.  It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it.  The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off you knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss.  And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life."


I know a lot of you out there are V-Day haters, and that is ok :)
Every day is valentines day for me :)  We don't have to wait for valentines day to tell each other how much we appreciate them and love them and how much they mean to us.  Nor do we need to wait to pick up a little gift, a card (make it even) or a single flower, just to let someone else know that you are thinking about them.  It often makes there whole entire day and gives you that little rush as well :)

LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!
Cancer Can Suck It!

Day 37 continued

So it looks like I just created another route for everyone to donate to the Cancer Assassin Save My Ass Fund.
This one works through Pay Pal, so if you have a pay pal account it is really east to donate here so you don't even have to leave your home to go to the bank :) Just trying to make it easy for everyone.

I want to say that you all have no idea how much inspiration you give me every single day. I am so blessed and lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family surrounding me and loving me and supporting me during this ever so stressful time of my life. I have come to realize that we should let all of our friends and family know every day just how much they mean to us, we simply cannot rob ourselves and them of this opportunity by waiting until something bad happens to spur us to tell our loved ones how we really feel. So take a moment, call your mom, hug your partner, pet your kitty or pup, hand out kisses like they are butterflies, send out those positive vibes and just wait to see what comes back for you besides those warm fuzzy feelings :)

I love you all!

Day 14

So I am still waiting.

I went for my mammogram today, lots of squeezin' and not in the pleasant way. The technician at least let me see what the pictures look like, so that was pretty cool. I am going back to the hospital again today for my consultation with the GI doctor about my upcoming endoscopy and colonoscopy that will most likely either take place tomorrow or early next week. Still looking for that primary source of the cancer in my liver.

Right now I am just waiting. Looking at the internet to try to figure out what the heck, but what I am finding is that until we know where this is coming from I am only using up precious energy trying to speculate about what to do as far as treatment options or transplants or what kind of chemo drug to use or really just about anything. Waiting...........

I am not one of the most patient people you will ever meet, my friends and family all know this, but right now that is what I have to employ, patience, while still keeping my sanity.

I have been to acupuncture twice and I am going again tomorrow. As of yet I have no appointments tomorrow so I am planning on also going to yoga or at least to the climbing gym, I bet there are some new routes there since my last visit 15 days ago. I bet Jeff would love to have a belay slave/climbing partner so that he is not stuck in the bouldering room and the stinky weight room again.

Both my mothers side and my fathers side of my family are huge and even though I know that they just care about me and want to talk to me in person it has been a bit overwhelming to say the least. One day I had to charge my phone twice in less than 12 hours due to all the phone calls and questions. I wish I could recharge my own batteries that quickly. Needless to say I was exhausted.

I have been religious about drinking my wheatgrass juice every day. I also have been making and drinking green juice everyday, usually from kale, spinach, celery, and an apple or pear to cut the bitterness a little. Last night I made carrot and beet juice and it was absolutely delicious! I also have been taking milk thistle, liver defense, turmeric, B complex, garlic, Vitamin D, and a multivitamin (from whole food source and organic). Every food I put into my mouth has been organic whole food or whole grain. My diet is primarily raw yet I occasionally have a cooked meal of zucchini, squash, or sweet potato, or miso (mellow white) soup with scallions and seaweed. I am positive that my diet will benefit me and my condition, especially in combination with my positive attitude and some good old fashioned exercise.

I am seeing a naturopath on the 15th, seeking out colon hydrotherapy to cleanse my bowel so that my liver can dump the toxins more effectively, and exploring some meditation/visualization classes so I will more effectively be able to visualize "in with the good, out with the bad" while I breathe deeply and slowly and deliberately.

All in all, despite some liver pain (which I always used to attribute to my stomach and poor digestion and rich foods, etc.) I am feeling and looking good. My friend Ron said to me this morning "You know this is just a fork in the road, right?" and Ron, I couldn't agree more. I can sense that in some peoples voices that they have already written me off for dead..."Look out! Dead woman walking!!!" well guess what, I am not dead and I am not even close to it. I am planning on living for a long, long time. This whole cancer diagnosis is really a new lease on life. I am not the same person I was 14 days ago. My life has completely changed, my perspective on EVERYTHING has completely changed. I am not waiting to do something that I have always wanted to do just because the time isn't right, or I can't because of what ever other excuses I make up to keep myself from living life to its fullest. This is just a calling to remember keep myself healthy and stress free, to build relationships that are good and fulfilling, to love and laugh and smile, to smell the air, listen to the birds, stand in the rain, have patience for myself and others, and to live like there is no tomorrow.

I have one request from you. I would love to hear from you but I can't always talk on the phone to everyone. This doesn't mean I don't care or appreciate you, I just need my energy for myself to get healthy and fight. I would like to make a poster to take with me if/when I have to be in the hospital for whatever reason. On this poster I would like to attach cards from you so that I have something inspirational to look at while I am getting treated or whatever. In the meantime I want to post it on my wall so that I can see it every day and draw energy from all of your support and POSITIVE ENERGY :)

Here is my address:

5604 NE 28th Ave

Portland, OR 97211

If you have any recipes for me that are made with only whole food (no soy, no sugar, no animal products, no dairy, no caffeine, no processed man made junk) then please send them my way as I am growing a bit tired of my options as of late. I thought the commodity challenge was hard (no corn or soy for 3 days) but this is the grandaddy of all food challenges and the sad part about it is that this diet that I am on is exactly the way that we should all be eating, and we are getting cancer in part because we can't part ourselves from our processed man made food. Even the "healthy" stuff is laden with crap. Maybe our major food companies are also in cahoots with our pharmaceutical companies so that they can give you cancer then sell you chemotherapy drugs. Wouldn't surprise me.

My boyfriend, Jeff, has been so incredibly supportive of me. I love him with all of my heart and am thankful every day to have him in my life. He has been there for me every minute of every day even before I was diagnosed. I always wonder how I could have possibly gotten so lucky, I guess it was meant to be. Jeff, I know you will read this and I want to publicly take this opportunity to tell you that I love you and thank you for being the wonderful, caring, giving person that you are. You have my heart.

Ok, update for today. More when I know more or when I need to get some stuff off of my chest. I gotta run to meet the GI for my consult. Until then keep the positive vibes coming my way and I will do the same.

Peace, love and light,

Laura

Day 9

Yesterday I had an appointment with my Oncologist to discuss the results of my PET scan and my liver biopsy. A lot of big long words....a lot of them. Luckily I had Jeff and my mom there to help me decipher all of the information. All I heard is blah, blah, blah, incurable....blah, blah, blah....expensive DNA test that no one covers (as if I have any insurance anyway)...blah, blah, blah...YOU'RE SCREWED!

Yeah, so I have inoperable tumors pretty much covering my entire liver. Yeah, so they think they might be coming from my bile ducts....Yeah, so what if it is incurable....I AM STILL GONNA KICK ITS ASS!

Incurable just means "cured from the inside out" and that is what I am doing. That is my plan.

I just got my juicer in the mail yesterday. This morning (as soon as my pharmacy *Whole Foods* opens) I will be sending my wonderful, awesome man to the store for some celery, wheatgrass, and other greens so I can begin my green juice consumption. I am actually really excited about it. I love the smell of fresh cut grass and suspectedly enough wheatgrass shots taste just like that smell. Perhaps it is an acquired taste but I enjoy it.

I sat in a community health clinic for 4 hours last night waiting....waiting just to see someone to try to establish a primary doctor so that I may be able to be eligible for some charity from an organization to get some things covered like labs, tests, and yes, chemotherapy.

Ahhhh....chemotherapy....I will be starting that in two weeks. Kinda trippy to think about. Im gonna fry those little suckers :) No really. I have been struggling a little with feeling like my body has betrayed me. Sometimes I envision my cancer as being black and ugly and festering inside of me. After the ample time I had to read my entire book (Crazy Sexy Cancer by Kris Carr) I found a nugget of wisdom to sustain me. She explained how she felt the same way about her situation and body and how it was hard not to imagine that there is ugly stuff inside of you. What she suggested was that rather than think like this, think that your body needs help. There is a part of my body that has become lost and confused and I need to help it find it's way again. It didn't betray me, God, The Universe, The Creator, Buddah, Evil Kenevil, WHO EVER, did not betray me. It just got a little lost and needs guidance. Much better visualization than icky festering globs of decay. It is my body, my wonderful, sexy, rock climbing, hiking, nature loving temple. It has carried me around to some beautiful places for 38 years and it needs a little attention and fine tuning.

So, I guess it is time for the update. Here goes...

I am being scheduled for an endoscopy, colonoscopy, and mammogram. They are still trying to figure out where the cancer in my liver came from. I also got blood work done just to double check and make certain that I don't have Hep C. That's good. And yes in two weeks I start the big C....chemotherapy. Chemo will halt growth but it wont get rid of the tumors. That is ok with me. I know that my cancer will never be gone from my body. I know that I will never be "cured" but they are more than welcome to just hang out there peacefully and remind me to take care of myself and live like there is no tomorrow.

Speaking of no tomorrow, I just want to remind all of you that there really is no tomorrow. There is only this very moment we are living in right now. Make the most of it. Don't use it to stress about your finances, your school work, your car, your anything at all. What a waste! What would you do if you found out that you had a life threatening situation. That is how you should live, every moment, every day. A quote that really fits this bill is just this.

Why is it that when we are faced with death that we truly begin to live.

Peace, love and light to you all.

Laura