Bittersweet News

If you are reading this, I hope it finds you happy, healthy and full of life!

Is anyone else out there having the most challenging year ever?  I remember reading my horoscope at the beginning of the year and they all said how awesome this year was going to be for me and how it was going to be the year I had been waiting forever for.  Hmmm...maybe I'm missing something.  Not that it is a bad year.  Anytime you are alive and functioning it is a good, good day.  I guess that it has just been unusually challenging for me pretty much ever since that fateful scan I got way back in January that said "knock knock, cancer's back to play".  I have learned many lessons this year and am still on my learning journey.  I have always thought that when the time comes that you have no lessons left to learn and no more contributions to give, you move on to whatever is next.  Looks like I might be around for a while cause I still have many lessons to learn :)

So I had a CT scan last week.  Got the results on Friday.  It wasn't bad news but it wasn't spectacular news either.  It was good and I am definitely fine with good.  It appears that the margins on some of the tumors (there are too many to count once again all kind of running together here and there) are getting fuzzier and not as distinct.  This is a good thing, it means that the cancer (tumors) is dying or at least not as active as it was 3 months ago.  None of them had shrunk enough to really mention in the scan reports and the cluster in my nodes near my hepatic artery and the rest of the super highway of arteries that I have in there (I am one out of 10,000 born with my liver being supplied with blood by different arteries than most other people) are still there being inflamed and causing pressure and general discomfort.  My oncologist said he was happy with the results of the scan as did my ND.  I am happy about it too.  I didn't really expect that everything would be drastically different in a mere 3 months.  Also, it is important to remember that a CT scan only shows masses and not metabolic activity of the cancer.  So it is a good scan to get a general idea of what is going on and to measure the growth or shrinkage of tumors, but not such a great scan to see if the tumors are actually living or not.  The PET is better for that purpose  I still have a lot of dead tumor material in my liver and it still shows up on the CT but not the PET.

Even though I am very happy about the news that I am no worse off than I was three months ago, that the tumors aren't any bigger, and that some of the margins are fuzzier, I still can't help but feeling a little disappointed.  It's really hitting home lately (pretty much ever since I almost died from radiation) that I am now living in what the statistics say are the 2% chance to live 5 years.  BUT you and I also know that I make my own statistics and I don't fit neatly into those boxes.  It still weighs heavy...

All this Vitamin C is really kicking some booty though.  Compared to this point in my last chemo back in 2010 there is a stark difference in my appearance and my overall health.  I still have hair that isn't falling out.  I don't have huge rashes on my face that burn and itch.  My chemo brain is not nearly as bad as it was last time.  I don't get sick/drive the porcelain bus three or four times a day, unless I miss too many vitamin C IV's then its all bets off.  I will let you decide.  Here are two pictures of me.  One from 2010 after 3 months of chemo, and a recent one.  Big difference huh?!  It is because of your support and generosity that I am able to get these vitamin C IV's.  Thank You!!!!!

2013

2010

A friend of mine nominated me to be on the Ellen show!  She is looking for an "inspiring person in need" and my friend thought of me :) Pretty awesome!!  If you would like to nominate me as well please feel free to do so,  of course that is if I inspire you :)  Here is the link to the nominate an inspiring person in need page.  You can find my mailing address and my email address at the top right of my blog and my age is 41 (for a couple more weeks).   I would love to have the opportunity to reach so many people and give them hope, especially those who are living with cholangiocarcinoma.

I spoke to my ND about my scan and how to proceed with the Vitamin C IV's and as great as those C's have been for me I am not going to be able to get many more.  There is enough left in my account for about a month of IV's.  I am supposed to get three every week.  I have dropped it down to two a week. Doc P wasn't too happy about that.  He says three a week are the protocol and that is what he suggests. I'm just not going to spend my energy worrying about that if I can help it.  I am going to get them until the $ runs out then figure it out then.  I know that every time I get one of those IV's it is prolonging my life.  It really irritates me that insurance wont cover something so obviously good but that is another thing that I'm not going to spend any energy on thinking about.

It's weird.  I have always loved food and eating good food.  Lately I just cant seem to gain weight though.  I waiver between 110-115lbs.  It probably has something to do with the chemo/steroids and lack of appetite AND the fact that most days I'm out of the house before breakfast.  On good days I can make and take lunch and breakfast with me to my IV's or chemo.  If I feel crappy the night before and have no energy then I usually live off ensure and whatever snacks I can toss into my lunch bag before I have to head out of the door.  Time and energy=no hunger.  I am sure that most of you can relate to that one.  Sometimes I sit and think about how awesome it would be to have a "normal" life.  You know, the one where you go to work every day and make plans for the weekend to go do something fun like hiking or skiing or camping.  One would think that I have all kinds of free time...Yeah, I wish.  I would love to have the energy to go for a hike.  I used to hike all the time all by myself.  I never wanted to  have to find someone to go with me just to be able to get outside.  I can't even count the miles I have hiked solo or how many times I have camped solo or skied solo.  My muscles are pretty much non existent these days.  Stamina is gone (except when I get the steroids) and walking up a flight of stairs makes me want to find a chair.  It is a little depressing especially since I am used to being so active.  I didn't even go climbing this year.  What a crime!  I get told a lot that if I do more I will have more energy to do more etc.  I first have to have the energy to do something before I can do more.  I try though.  Yoga is nice but I still tire quickly.  My energy levels are just about enough to get some light housework done a few times each week then it's snuggle with the kitty time.  I am beginning to feel that old familiar overwhelmed feeling creeping back again but it is more manageable this time since I am also not struggling with horrible relationship problems like last time and that is definitely something that I am thankful for.  There are still some days that I feel like going postal and freaking out on someone or multiple someones.  Luckily the only people who have had the unfortunate experience of seeing angry Laura are Comcast and they totally deserved it :)


Who loves the cooler weather?!
I love summer, spring, winter and fall :)  I get excited every time the seasons change.  Fall is probably my favorite though.  I love all the colors, the crisp air, and halloween.  The transition of seasons, schlepping off of old things, habits, patterns, and staleness is gratifying and cleansing.  It is fun to wear comfy warm clothes, read books, snuggle with the kitty, and drink tea as you listen to it rain outside.  I've been rearranging the closet; summer stuff in back, and winter stuff in front.  I've been stowing the sandals (sniff, sniff), bringing out the boots (yay!), and cleaning and making way for the new year, death and rebirth.


Here is link to click upon if you wish to donate to my clinic for my high dose Vitamin C IV treatment.
The Center for Traditional Medicine

You may also contact them at 503-636-2734 to donate directly into my account there via credit/debit.

Here is my Amazon Wish List  where I have listed my supplements and vitamins.


I hope that you all know I am forever grateful, humbled, inspired, and able to live longer due to your generosity and unwaviering support.  I think about how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends and family every single day.  YOU are the reason I am still here posting on this blog, and of course a good attitude never hurts either.

Chemo day is tomorrow and my lunch is already packed :)

Many healthy blessings to you all!


CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!

Never A Dull Moment

So I recently have been taking a little time off and really relaxing.  It has been really nice to unplug and get some time away from phones, email, social media, doctors, appointments, good news, bad news, no news, decisions, scans, daily life, etc... I got to spend some quality time relaxing with my best friend (my mom) and it was simply divine and oh so very needed by both of us after the crazy 6 months that have been 2013.
Now it is back to the grind, the assassination, the kicking of some cancer booty, time to roll up the sleeves and put my game face back on.

From the last CT scan back May,  it appeared that I had some cancer going rogue and building condos outside of Livertown, collectively they appeared to be about the size of an almond (we thought there were only two of them at this point).  Then my radiologist recommended that I get a PET scan to make sure of exactly what we were looking at and that way I could make a more informed decision about my choice of therapy.

So I recently got results back from the PET scan and the first sentence says "Significant progression of disease since July 2012..."  Not good.  My oncologist shows me the pictures and there are now a bunch (too many to count) of places outside of my liver mostly in nearby lymphs (one in a lung and one in my pelvis) where there showed PET avid activity (it took up the sugar rich contrast like cancer does) so this now leaves me feeling once again a bit more anxious about my path forward.

I have spoken at length with my oncologist and natural doctor and we have come up with a kick ass cancer assassinating plan!

Vitamin C Love

I am already taking such things as DCA and many other natural cancer fighting treatments and supplements and I will continue to get high dose vitamin C IV therapy.  I am going to sandwich my chemo treatments right in between two vitamin C IV's.  So still vitamin C three times a week  and chemo at least once a week (maybe more frequent to start I dunno yet).
I start round two of chemotherapy tomorrow at 9:30am.  The chemo will be the same as last time.  Mega dose to start with then as my body weakens the dose weakens.  They like to hit it hard at first.  My gramma is coming down to go with me, ya know, cause grandmothers are awesome like that!  The vitamin C is supposed to make the cancer more susceptible to chemotherapy and it is said to make the side effects up to 50% less severe! HELLS YES!! This is what I am going to manifest! Less side effects  NO side effects! Plus they will no doubt pump me full of steroids and other anti nausea drugs as well as cytotoxins and they seem to make it much more tolerable.  Sometimes drugs aren't so bad after all :)

Not exactly what I was envisioning, especially after such a tumultuous start to the year anyway, but hey...never a dull moment in the life of The Cancer Assassin!
Bring it on! I've done it once I can do it again, hell, I'm a pro and I am already ahead of the game now.
My goal right now is just to appreciate each and every single day, drink it all in and share the love!

CT Scrutiny Now & Then

I suppose I am impatient.  I like to think that I am so much more patient now than I used to be prior to sitting for 6 hours at a time in chemo.  Cancer kind of turns you into a "patient" person in so many ways (pun intended).

Anyway, back to impatience.  I suppose I must be a glutton for punishment because I always get a copy of my scan and go straight home and plug it into my computer (or Pew Pew as I affectionately call it) and analyze and scrutinize every little spot from every angle I can, zooming in and out the entire time while adjusting the contrast around.  Here is what I saw today.

These first two pictures are the "worst" looking two angles from my first CT scan back in March of 2010.

CT 3/2010

CT 3/2010

These are from today.

CT 1/2013

CT 1/2013

The dark spots are cancer.  I adjusted the contrast so that it would be more apparent.  As you can see in the first pictures the cancer was not in neat little bundles but spread out all over my liver weaving together making larger tumors in places and otherwise scattered around in little clusters here and there making it impossible to surgically resect.

Now I know better than to put the cart before the horse AND I am certainly not trained in the art of reading images but to me the pictures from today look a LOT better.  It certainly makes one want to get excited doesn't it?  Cancer has made me immune to excitement it seems.  I hardly ever get excited anymore about stuff like this.  I suppose that I may be afraid of getting my hopes up for good news but then finding out that something is wrong (because once again, I am not a doctor and I am just guessing at this point).  I bet that most of us cancer "survivors/thrivers" out there feel this way.  

I was just complaining to my girlfriend last night about how much my liver was hurting.  It has been killing me lately.  For not having any nerve endings in the liver it sure can hurt a lot, weird huh?  Then she said to me "hey, pain is just the feeling of healing".  I nearly fell over! I LOVE it!! She is the one who first told me that "Cancer Can Suck It" because she was pissed that I had cancer.  It has been hard not to think the worst lately because of the pain.  Seems like if you are in pain something is wrong to me.  But hey, who knows it may just be The Feeling of Healing.

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!

I am going to write a more lengthy post about this a little later this week but for now I just have to share my news to those of you who may not have heard yet.

After my appointment with Dr Perkins the surgical oncologist on Monday I had another PET scan on Wednesday and an appointment with a radiological oncologist named Dr Jason Bauer who was planning to administer Yttrium-90 direct radiation beads the size of a grain of sand through a catheter, about the size of a human hair, inserted into my groin and threaded through veins and such into my liver.
He came into the exam room, introduced himself and immediately began complementing me on how great and healthy I looked in spite of having extensive and aggressive stage IV cholangiocarcinoma.  He commented that he was close in age to me as well as Dr Perkins (the surgical onc).  He was basically in awe.
Then it happened. He got all serious and told me that he really wished he could help me with his miracle treatment but he just can't.  The reason he can't is because the PET scan (this makes the only one I have had since my first diagnosis last March 24, 2010, yes that's right LAST YEAR) shows that I have

 NO MORE BIOLOGICALLY ACTIVE OR LIVING CANCER IN MY BODY!!!

So what does this mean??? it means that I am officially 

IN REMISSION!!!

One and a half years ago I was given about 6 months to 1 year to live.

One and a half years ago I was given a 20% chance to live 5 years.

One and a half years ago my life changed forever.

My priorities became very clear.

Life became very simple yet unimaginably complicated all in the blink of an eye.

Even though it was Friday when I got this news I am still in shock.  It is still sinking in.

I have my regularly scheduled chemo and appointment with my oncologist tomorrow so perhaps it will seem more official then.

I am still going to get chemo for a while to make sure all those  bastards are completely fried and that there isn't one little cell that is still clinging to life to turn into full blown tumors again.

The reason they haven't found this out yet is because they haven't done a PET scan, they figured they didn't need to...the cancer most likely hasn't spread due to the nature of CC and the CT scans showed that they were always shrinking AND no one and I mean NO ONE just cures themselves of severe cholangiocarcinoma EVER and especially in 1.5 YEARS!!!

Everyone is flabergasted, floored and shocked.  They all want to know "What did you do?".

I told them, you all know what I've been doing.  Eating right (no chemicals, no processed foods, organic always, limiting or eliminating all together dairy, and animal proteins, juicing) taking supplements and vitamins, getting nutritional IV's, getting exercise as much as possible when I feel good, HAVING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, not meaning I am always happy, meaning I always try to find something good, some positive in every situation no matter how crappy it is and how hopeless it feels and how alone and abandoned and scared you are and no matter how it seems and feels like the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is conspiring to your disadvantage, and no matter how much I sometimes HURT both physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc I just never EVER gave up, EVER!

I also have an amazing support network, very loving friends and family, kick ass, state of the art, cutting edge doctors on my side.

I made these changes in less than a month.  I didn't have the time or luxury to do it gradually.

More later, I LOVE you all and wish you all the happiness and health in the world.

Laura

The Cancer Assassin

Day 185 It's been a while...

Here I sit on the sofa watching bad TV...I'm loving it!
It has been busy and stressful, but in good ways most of the time.

August activities were a high school reunion and a visit from one of my best friends who now lives in North Hollywood.  There were street faires, visits from my mom, visits from Stephanie, overnights with girlfriends and the acquisition of Goldie the Westfalia.  The story behind Goldie is very appropriate and fitting.  It was meant to be.

Jeff had been looking for a Westfalia van for weeks.  We were thinking that we were going to have to drive to another state just to find a reasonably priced one.  However one day he just got lucky and found one just on the other side of the river in Washington in the town of Lyle near White Salmon.  The day before Jeff asked me what I thought the Westy would be like.  I said it was going to be perfect, exactly what we were looking for and the price was going to be perfect as well.  We got there and met Gary who was just about the nicest person one could meet.  He showed us what he knew about the van, which wasn't a whole lot because the van had belonged to his mother who had recently passed away.  Gary told us stories about how his mother would love to take the van to different local festivals and how much she loved it.  She lived by herself taking care of herself up until a week before she passed away from cancer.  Gary said that she would love to know that it was going to someone who would love it as much as she did and who would make full use of its amenities.  I then told him about my cancer and how excited we were to go on trips in the van.  Everything was perfect! Just like I had envisioned, focused on and manifested.  The passing of Goldie from that family to ours was simply meant to be.  We love our Westy and treat is as well as we do our own pets.  Goldie does not sit out in the rain, she has her cozy place in our garage.  Jeff made sure of that.  He cleaned and organized the entire garage AND he even cut out a board on the door opening just to make enough space for Goldie to fit inside with her Yakima racks on.  Now that's love!

September was a little more quiet.  Jeff and I went to another Mariners vs Redsox game and it was a blast!  My mom came with us on one of the evening games.  Even though the Mariners didn't win, it was still a blast!

  I had a dentist appointment with the best dentist in the entire world, Dr Perry Jones, DDS in Ballard.  Yes, I drive all the way from Portland just to visit this dentist, that is how awesome he is.  My teeth are looking good he said (he always says that, I guess I have been blessed with good teeth), just a little bit of gum inflamation from the chemo and being so anemic, otherwise perfect teeth so that's good.  Then Clark had to go in for surgery on his other knee.  I saw him blow it out too.  We were on a river somewhere near the ocean and he was walking on uneven rocks and all of the sudden his leg slipped out from under him and then "YELP!" and from that point he was essentially a three legged dog not putting any pressure at all on his injured knee.  Perhaps if he was not such a spastic he would not get into such situations.  He is 7 years old and still acts like a little puppy that knows no rules or when to stop.  Since taking Clark for his surgery we have been pretty much home bound, having to be here with Clark all the time. He has to stay calm, no explosive movements, which is hard for him, so as a result he gets disciplined a lot.  "Clark lay down." "Clark calm down." "NO!" "Sit!" "Stay!" "Calmly Clark!"  it gets really, really old.  My cat hates it.  Clark already dominates the entire house so she doesn't really get much one on one time because Clark always has to have his nose in what is going on afraid that she will get something that he wont.  Plus she doesn't like it when I have to use the stern voice with Clark.  She pretty much just stays in the basement these days while Clark gets the run of the rest of the house.  Poor Pot Pie :(  So anyway, the mutt will not be healed completely for 12 weeks! Yikes!  We are now halfway there, week 6...he gets to go for 10 minute walks this week and every week the time increases by 5 minutes until week 12 when he is healed enough to live "normally" again.

October...ahh I love October!  Not just because my birthday is in October but because of the fall colors, beautiful, beautiful fall colors!  Chilly mornings, warm days, the smell of decaying leaves (love it!).  So most of October was filled with caring for the dog.  I had my friends Tiff and Jay over for my birthday weekend.  It was tons of fun!  We went hiking to Ramona Falls on the Saturday before my birthday and then on my birthday we went to the zoo in Portland.  It was a lot of fun!

 The zoo is actually not bad at all, it was actually one of my favorites as far as zoos go.  The animals had nice habitats (most of them) and just the general lay out of the zoo was very people friendly.  I bonded with the black bear and one other animal that for the life of me I can't remember right now (I know it was some kind of cat though).  I made curtains for my dining room.  I had to make some because Clark kept freaking out every time he saw our neighbors cat on the fence.  Once again, altering life for the dog :)  I'm not complaining though, it was fun to make the curtains.  I do however wish our new neighbors were a little more considerate of the people around them.  They have at least 3 cats that spend more time in our yard and on our front porch than they do at their own home.  I can't even let my cat go out in our yard because they are not nice cats, they are always fighting with the other cats in the hood.  And forget letting Clark out to pee without a leash, he bolts for the cats which is not good as he could re-injure his leg and that would get really spendy.  Stupid neighbors!

Now it is November, where does the time go?  I am going to visit my dad next week for 9 days in Tennessee!  It will be fun!  We are going to go to North Carolina to a place where we can dig for rubies and diamonds!  I am sure we will also stay close to home and hunt arrowheads, most likely go fishing on a river and spend the rest of the time visiting family.  The rest of the family does not know I am coming yet, it is going to be a surprise...of course unless they have read this and then I guess it will not be a surprise anymore....

In the meantime all of these activities are filled in with trips to the naturopath for IV therapy,  weekly trips to the oncologist for checkups and chemotherapy, trips to the acupuncturist, some yoga, mornings spent vomiting, days spent being run down and tired on the sofa, days of high energy when we play disc golf and go hiking or surfing or camping.

I have been feeling pretty good.  There are mornings when it takes me until noon just to feel human.  Days I don't have an appetite or when food just doesn't sound appealing at all.  I have been holding a steady weight at about 126lbs and all the vitals are good.  Right now I am battling anemia, low white and red blood cells and low platelets.  My oncologist has decreased the amount of chemo drugs I get to accommodate for that.  I have chemo every week, two weeks on and one week off...on my weeks off (like right now) I go to the naturopath for IV therapy full of vitamins and glutathione to decrease all the negative effects of the chemotherapy.  I have hot flashes constantly that usually keep me from sleeping most nights.  Skip my acupuncturist is a godsend though.  One visit with him usually keeps me hot flash free for at least 3 or 4 days.  I usually visit him on a weekly basis so that I can sleep.  He also helps my appetite and my liver pain.  Acupuncture is awesome!  Highly recommended for everyone if you have not tried it for your certain condition you should.  It really works, but it usually takes a few times.  The visits are usually expensive but you can find a community clinic that has sliding scale fees ($15-$30) through the Community Acupuncture Network (CAN).  Google it and you can find a clinic in your area.

All in all I am doing very well.  Everyone tells me that I look good (my eyes, complexion, etc) so at least I know it is not all in my head :)  I tell everyone that if it wasn't for the chemo I would feel better than I have in at least 15 years.  Right now I am just battling and dealing with all the side effects of the chemotherapy.  Im not complaining though, it could be much, much worse, right?

OH! Almost forgot! I had my 3rd CT scan back in September.   Drum roll please.............
Tumors have shrunk!  In some cases there are some small ones that were there before and are NOT there now!  The really big ones used to connect but now they are separate and smaller!  Don't get me wrong, the liver is still lit up like a Christmas tree at the White House but it is going away at least.  My oncologist said that "it is a slow growing disease that is also slow to go away".  He is very pleased with our progress and so am I.  I will have another CT scan in December (every 3 months) and who knows, maybe they will be gone...

There are two popular questions among my friends and family and they are
"How long do you have to get chemo" and "How often do you get chemo"
Here are the answers as far as I know...
I will most likely get chemo until either my body cannot handle it anymore or until the tumors are gone, and as far as the frequency of chemotherapy I go on Thursdays usually, two weeks on with one week off and on my week off I go see my naturopath on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Keeps a girl busy, and tired.  I love my nurses though, they take exceptional care of me, as if I were their own daughter.  I am in good hands.

Got to run now, time for my IV full of golden goodness :) and a visit with my other mama Lynda.  You all take good care of yourself, read those labels...If you cannot pronounce it don't eat it!  Toss that icky shampoo and conditioner and makeup and invest in some good chemical free stuff.  Get rid of those chemicals under your sink and substitute with natures own natural disinfectants and cleaners.  If you don't do it for yourself at least do it for your children, family or pets as what you do also affects their health too, it might not show up now or ever, or it may show up when you are 38 and in the prime of your life.  Just do it for the sake of love.

Much love and light to you all!

The Cancer Assassin