Tuesday, February 7, 2012

What it all means

I am psyched!

Exploring at the beach
It has been 69 days since my last chemotherapy treatment.  I think I have had roughly 40 infusions in the 20 months since I was diagnosed with cancer.  I stopped chemo at the end of November.  I can say that I honestly can't tell a difference from how I felt yesterday, but I can tell that I feel better than I did a month ago and a lot better than I did 2 months ago.  I think that I am still only operating at about 40% capacity both mentally and physically with emotionally being slightly better (more around 50%) because I just do not feel like myself yet.  The small things fluster me, any sort of thing that I need to concentrate on becomes a gigantic undertaking but when I finally do accomplish them it feels really good.  I've been spending a lot of time in my apartment, organizing, manifesting, sending out mindful intentions of what I need to be healthy and happy.  I had a wonderful 2 hour Skype conversation with a beautiful friend of mine.  I have been doing really well with my two alternative treatments, remembering to take them every day and not hating it when I do.  It is easy to not hate them, they have had absolutely no side effects at all for me (HURRAY!) and if anything I think I am sleeping much better.  I actually have been getting up at my usual time of 6am as opposed to the "anywhere between 11am-1pm" routine I adopted while undergoing chemotherapy.  The side effects of chemotherapy and all of the drugs I ingested to combat those side effects really have done a number on my body and mind, but it feels so good to have some kind of normal sleeping routine again (even though it might be the only thing that is normal).

I've been wondering exactly how long it takes to get over the majority of the chemo side effects.  I am pretty sure that it has most likely done some irreparable damage to my body and have heard many stories about people who have had chemo over 10 years ago who still fight with it's effects.  Of course doctors of modern medicine will not tell you this.  They tell you that when you stop getting chemo the side effects (nausea, ringing in ears, neuropathy, chemo brain, etc.) will all go away, just like that.  Poof!

They LIE!

They also lie when they tell you that it is ok for you to eat an entire pint of ice cream, a bunch of meat (even though you can get iron and protein from plants and legumes), ginger ale for nausea, etc.  Yes, I was actually told these things, which brings me to the point of today's blog.

The reason I quit chemotherapy was not because the regime was finished and it was my last session.  My oncologist told me that I would be receiving chemotherapy until the day I died.  That was not ok with me.  I have been really confused since last August when my oncologist sent me in to see a surgical oncologist to see if I could have my tumors surgically removed.  She ordered a PET scan, looked it over and said that she couldn't remove them because it left me with virtually no liver left and many of them were in places that they couldn't remove.  I was still not an option for a donor, living or deceased. So she referred me to a radiological oncologist who reviewed my PET scan and arranged an appointment with me.  He had a miracle treatment for people who have cholangiocarcinoma that was very promising.  The treatment was called Y-90 (Yttrium-90) and it consisted of injecting radioactive beads the size of a grain of sand directly into the tumors via a catheter inserted into a vein in the groin.  It was supposed to have minimal side effects and be pretty painless.  I was the perfect candidate, young, no other health problems, otherwise healthy etc. and I was very excited about it.  He walked through the door to the exam room, introduced himself and then said that he would love to help me and that he was excited to do the procedure on me but upon review of my PET scan he couldn't.  He said the reason that he couldn't do the procedure was because the PET scan showed NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE.  He then proceeded to say how honored he felt to meet me, how in the world did I do it!?  He said that no one has ever had such extensive CC and in 17 months had a scan that showed no living cancer.  He couldn't do the procedure because he could find no living cancer to target.
Pumpkin and honey moisturizing
and firming mask makes your
skin feel oh so good!

I was excited to see my oncologist and tell him the news.   I thought he would be excited, thinking that he might give himself a pat on the back for prescribing the right treatment for me.  He was less than enthused.  He said that CC is so slow growing that there are most likely still cancer cells there that the PET scan didn't pick up.  The thought of stopping chemotherapy did not even present itself.  Even the radiological oncologist thought it would be a good idea for me to do at least one more chemo regime just to make sure.  I stuck it out for 6 more treatments.  I really feel that chemotherapy was the best choice for my predicament.  My cancer was so extensive that I think I made the right choice, knock it back some so that I can let my body do the rest was my plan.  Then I got to where I was feeling worse, day by day.  I was losing a LOT of weight, at one point down to 111 pounds, which for me is pretty thin.  My brain was turning into mush, literally.  I was in complete emotional distress (although events that were happening then would not have been easy to deal with regardless of chemo) and had severe mood swings.  I couldn't think.  I would get lost trying to keep up with a sitcom.  I had come to the point that I knew I needed to stop.  It was an emotional decision, the uncertainty of making the right choice hung heavy over me.  So what does this all mean now?
Steel cut oats with blueberries
cranberries, cinnamon,
walnuts, honey,
and almond milk.

What it means is that even though I am not being pumped full of toxins I still have to be vigilant about my choices, especially what I eat.

During the latter part of my chemo treatments, when I was losing all the weight, I abandoned my mostly vegetarian diet and started eating meat and dairy again, things I highly avoided (along with sugar) previously in an attempt to gain weight.  When I quit chemo I was still eating meat and dairy and my sugar intake had gone up from the sweet tooth cravings I got when I ate meat.  Luckily I caught myself.  This realization came when my jeans would not button one morning.  I have been super vigilant about what I eat, more like the diet I adopted after I learned I had cancer.  I eat a LOT of vegetables and legumes.  I make a green juice nearly every day, sometimes two.  I eat things high in phytoflavinoids such as blueberries, raspberries, pomegranate juice, strawberries, cherries but I do not eat a lot of other types of fruits as they have a lot of sugar in them which anyone with cancer does not need as it actually excels it's growth hint, hint.....


Being mindful about what we eat is how we can take control of our health.  Ironically it is also how we can take control of a lot of problems our world is now facing.  It takes so many more resources to produce one pound of meat as it does to produce one pound of produce or grain.  On top of all of that our meat is coming from sick animals that have not been fed a proper diet and injected with all kinds of toxins to prevent them from spreading disease.  Don't get me wrong.  I grew up eating meat.  My dad was a butcher for many years and we depended on it for our family's survival.  I have always liked a medium rare steak, rib eye was always my favorite.  If it didn't make me sick and our world sick and result in the mistreatment of so many animals then I would eat it.  It has actually been proven that a diet high in animal protein (20% of your diet is high, this includes dairy) actually highly contributes to the growth of cancer, especially in the liver and that a diet high in plant and legume protein (less than 5% animal protein, this includes dairy) has been proven to halt cancer growth!


So again, what does it mean?
Shiitakes smell and taste delicious!

It means that no matter how much you love that steak, ice cream, milk, chicken, fast food, or whatever that is animal derived you are actually willingly, consciously, and intentionally creating an environment in your body where cancer can thrive.  Not to mention that your cholesterol will most likely also go up. This applies to organic meats as well.  Meat is meat, some have added toxins, but all have the ability to enhance cancer growth.  This is why I eat a lot of vegetables.  I don't want to die.  I assume that neither do you.

It means that I have to be vigilant about my diet, which isn't hard.  I walk by the meat case occasionally just to see if anything can tempt me but nothing ever does.  It actually kind of grosses me out.  Meat didn't look like that when I was a kid.  Meat didn't taste like that when I was a kid.  I know how it is going to make me feel if I do eat it (bloated, indigestion, lethargic, constipation/diarrhea, all those wonderful things) so that is enough for me.  I walk away and find the tempeh instead.  I never eat processed foods.  Well, ok, I am pretty sure that the almond milk I buy is processed.  There are a lot of unneeded ingredients on that label and the box it comes in is neither healthy for me or for the environment.  This is why I am going to start making my own almond milk and rice milk (horchata's baby!).
Honey roasted spaghetti squash with
green beans, tempeh, and shiitakes

What it means is that now, more than ever, I need to take control over my health using food as my medicine as we all should.  Even and especially if you are going through cancer treatments such as radiation or chemotherapy.  It is so important to fuel our bodies with nutritious foods rather than empty calories.  Use those ovens or purchase a toaster oven (you can find awesome ones at the Goodwill by the way) and take your microwave to haz mat where it belongs.  Microwaves literally kill your food sucking every single nutrient right out of them leaving you with a useless meal that you will only be hungry from a short time later, leading to more eating...get the picture?  I have not used a microwave in over 3 years and I do not miss it one bit.  I am ashamed to say that at first I actually had forgotten how to heat up food on the stove or in the oven, but it quickly came back.  It is nice to sit in the living room and smell the aroma of a baking sweet potato knowing that I will soon be eating it.  It actually makes the experience better for me and the beauty is that for about an hour I can just read or watch tv or do a load of laundry and I don't have to stand there and cook.  Microwaves are the ultimate "instant gratification" machine.  We just can't wait, or we are too busy.  With just a little planning ahead you can pop your meal into the oven and by the time you have relaxed a bit from your day you will be eating your healthy and delicious meal that you got to enjoy the smell of while it was cooking.  What could be better than that?

Make juice not war
I am not meaning to be preachy or condescending at all.  I just know that I want you all to be healthy and sharing the things that have been making me healthy in spite of extensive, aggressive cancer and  20 months of chemotherapy is one way I can share the resources and knowledge that I have spent so much time committed to gathering since D-day.  This stuff has been proven time and time again, but our society has its interests so mixed up that the higher powers will never tell you these things, the simple things that can lead to a long and healthy life.  They want to keep you sick so that they can keep making drugs to treat you with.  Pharmaceuticals are big, big money.  We all know that.  I also feel that they can have an appropriate time and place.  I certainly think that the chemotherapy in combination with the other natural therapies I have been getting have paid off for me.  The time did come though that I felt that it (the chemo) was doing more harm than good.  For me, if I don't feel good about something there is no point in doing it because I will only focus on the bad and if you are only focused on the bad what good can come?

Please eat more plants.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

It's beginning to look a lot like spring...

Spring in February
...well, at least here in Portland it is.  The grass is green, the sun is shining, the trees are blooming, and the birds are singing.


I came back from a visit in Seattle where my plans were put on hold for a while due to the snow event in town.  I got a lot of good visiting time in with my mom and a friend from out of town.  He brought along his son Ben and we made some really awesome Mentos & Coke rockets.  It was a fun time!  Then I got to go up to Crystal Mountain for two glorious days of skiing and more visiting old friends of mine from my years at the mountain back in the early 90's.  The first day was filled with little powder stashes off piste and softly falling snow.  The next day was gloriously sunny! The summit of Crystal is only 12 miles from the summit of Mt Rainier and the mountain was out in all her glory that day as I had lunch at the summit house restaurant with my friend Liz, her husband Lyle and two other friends I haven't seen in years.  Liz and Lyle graciously offered up their guest room for me the night before, made me dinner and breakfast AND even let me use her awesome jacuzzi tub after my day of skiing.  Thank you Liz and Lyle!!! I really needed some mountain air and your good company.

When I got back to Portland at the beginning of the week I have to admit I was a little apprehensive.  I didn't want to have that feeling when I walked through my door into the apartment.  You know, the one where you'd wished you didn't have to be home.  But to my pleasant surprise I was quite relieved and a little amazed to find that it actually felt good to be home.  That was a great victory for me! I wasn't repulsed and that was a good thing.  Another surprise I got was that there was a letter from the housing authority in my mailbox stating that I qualify for section 8 housing.  I just needed to return some paperwork and the process starts, complete with an "orientation" sometime soon that explains exactly what the hell section 8 housing is....apparently it is entirely different from "public assisted housing" which I am living in.  Both are through the state so it seems only efficient and entirely less confusing if the same organization that handles both would inform you of all of your options and place you on all of the housing lists and availabilities or at least make them not quite so murky to navigate.  Actually I looked into this many months ago and even spoke with a representative who told me that she "didn't know what to tell me because she didn't know what I wanted from her" and that "I would be waiting for a long LONG time before I even heard from them because (her exact words here people) It's the government and they have thousands of applications and it takes forever, years sometimes infact".  She was incredibly rude and left me with the excuse of why she wasn't going to help me because it is the governments fault.  She is the government worker, isn't it her fault? Her fault that people cannot get any useful information what so ever about the differences and procedures for each different type of housing assistance?  One of my pet peeves is when someone doesn't want to do their job and you have to do it for them, OR when they don't do their jobs and you end up with cancer (that ones for you Swedish, Group Health  Death, and 45th Street Clinicl, thanks for NOT doing your jobs either, IBS MY ASS! more like liver cancer to me)...ahem....bitter a little? :) not really, just venting...

Beach Treasures!
Tomorrow the world will be watching the Super Bowl, glued in front of their televisions and eating bad food.  Me?  I hate football.  It's just too much testosterone for me, just guys trying to be cool and beat the living crap out of each other.  I could just never get into it.  I'm more of a baseball gal.
I thought I would take advantage of this opportunity to get out of town and head out to the Oregon coast toward Manzanita.  I just love that place.  Nice and quiet compared to all of the other touristy towns nearby like Cannon Beach or Lincoln City.  My girlfriend and I are going together with her pup Dusty.  It is an agate hunting and driftwood gathering day and it is also supposed to be sunny.  BONUS! If we are lucky the wind might not be blowing as hard as it is here in town. I think I need to charge my camera.

Urea before mixing

I had a nutritional IV on Wednesday and got to see my naturopath.  He had my order for the new treatment I am starting, a giant whopping jug (2.5Kilos) of Urea.  It looks like coarse salt or sugar.  I take 25 grams every day in juice high in phytoflavinoids such as berry or pomegranate juices. I have been using blueberry and/or pomegranate and I mix half water with half juice because the juice is just too tart for me straight, plus it makes the juice last longer as most berry juices are pretty expensive and the organic ones are usually around $1-$2 more.  It really doesn't have a taste thankfully.  If it does the tartness of the juice disguises it really well.  Here is more about Urea if you missed my last post about it's cancer fighting properties. 

Mixed w/blueberry juice and filtered water
As far as what is up with me, well its been getting better.  Let me sum it up:

1. I wasn't disgusted to be home. It actually felt good. Hey! Im running with it :)

2. I am going to be volunteering at the Audubon Society in Portland soon.  I am very excited about this!  I am thinking that it will help me get my feet wet again in the "real world" and give me some idea if I will be able to handle working on a part/full time basis anytime soon.  PLUS I get to hang out with the birds! And who knows, it just might open some doors to a career or at the very least I will get to meet some new awesome people.

3. Mentally I am feeling a little more clear headed all the time and that is good.  I can't really tell a difference from the day before but I can certainly tell a difference from a month ago.  I ordered a book called "Totally Tangled" to help me out a bit.  It is like yoga for the brain I have heard.  I am very excited to get it in the mail. Powell's books had a free shipping weekend and I had a credit from some of the books I sold to them so this was perfect!  It certainly looks like something that I am going to love!

Ear to ear perma-powder grins
4.  I got to go skiing at Mt Hood Meadows on Thursday.  It was ABSOLUTELY EPIC! Seriously, one of the best SKI days I have ever had! Boyfriend convinced me to go into the backcountry (well, for Meadows its more like sidecountry) The wind was just whipping over the ridge! It was like battling a hurricane to get some untracked powder but oh boy it was worth every painful moment!  I swear it seemed like about a 60 degree pitch, oh so steep and just one vast expanse of powder just begging for me to make the first arc through the soft snow.  My cheeks still hurt from smiling so much.  We did 3 top to bottom runs through the backcountry in under 2 hours, somewhere around 15,000 vertical feet.  It was one of those days where you are just dead dog tired but you just can't stop because you are just having too much fun.  The sun was shining all day long.  We came in for lunch and both inhaled it as if we hadn't eaten in days.  We usually relax for a bit before making our after lunch runs but this time we didn't.  It wasn't ever really spoken out loud, but we both read each other's minds and no sooner had we swallowed our last bites and washed them down with some water before we said, "bathroom break, meet you back here in a few" before we were off to take care of business, eager at the thought of stealing some more fresh tracks in a new spot on the mountain.  I am absolutely LOVING my new ski set up.  The skis are a few years old, I had them set up for telemark but the back injury put a damper on that activity.  They sat for an entire season unused mostly because I was too weak and tired to venture into the backcountry, but also because I was spending most all of my time on my downhill skis which were feeling a bit too small for me.
BD Joule skis with Dynafit AT bindings
Boyfriend bought me some new AT bindings for christmas (along with my season pass) and I just LOVE THEM! Especially in combo with my skis.  Now I can skin into the wilderness and ski some fresh powder stashes on my way back down with out having to be a tele-expert.  Freedom!

5. My dad is moving back soon! Which reminds me, I really need to give him a call.  He is buying my plane ticket back to TN and I am helping him pack and drive out.  It will be so much fun!!! We aren't bringing much from TN, just a truck with canopy so the drive will be cake.  We are also stopping along the way at things that interest us, perhaps we will do some rockhounding...what am I saying? OF COURSE WE WILL :)  I am going to be happy to have my father around closer.  Tennessee is a long way from the PNW.

I haven't taken a pharmaceutical (other than hormone replacement therapy while my body gets back into sync) in over a month.  It feels so good! My last chemo treatment was on Nov 30th and that also feels good.  I'm gaining weight (125# now, that's 10 pounds!) but in all honesty I can stop now.  I will have to get new clothes soon if I don't and I can't afford that nor do I want to.

The best juicer ever!
I am drinking green juice every day along with aloe vera, coconut water, my urea, eating mostly all vegetables with occasional piece of meat like chicken or fish, eliminating dairy and all sugars and eating healthy snacks such as home made kale chips, or raw nuts and dried cranberries.  Something I noticed a long time ago is that the more I eat meat, the more I crave sweets.  I read about the chemical reasons why this happens but I forgot it now.  There is a direct correlation though.


To be very honest once again it has been hard.  The hardest part was changing directions, from chemotherapy, fatigue, nausea, and all those other nasty side effects to a natural, holistic approach to treating my cancer.  It was scary and very uncertain.  I have a PET scan in March to see what's going on on a cellular level.  I am banking on the FACT that it is going to look awesome!
Neptune & I in Cabo
I have been day dreaming about employment.  I've been sneaking peeks at the positions open for the state parks, forest service and national parks.  Envisioning myself in a little cabin in the woods somewhere interacting with happy people out for the fresh air and scenery.  It is difficult to know where to go at this point.  Still feeling a lot like I am in limbo land, somewhere between healthy and sick, in the land of the forgotten, the land where people who have cancer and are tired of feeling like it is controlling their lives are trying to get back to something resembling normalcy again.  For the cancer patient/survivor there will never be a "normal" again.  Every day is unique and every day is a blessing.  It is just best for me to not try to think so much about the uncertain future and concentrate my energy on what is here and now, being mindful about what I ask for and thankful for what I receive.  Today is tomorrow, all we have is what is here, now, in this moment.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I've been robbed!

There are some things that have been rolling around in my head like loose marbles for quite a while now and I need to get them out.

My life timeline
I knew that when I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer back in 2010 my life would be forever changed from that moment on.  I also knew that things weren't going to be in any small way predictable anymore.  I got diagnosed in my last quarter of my second masters degree at Antioch University in Seattle.  I had plans, big plans for my future.  For once I felt as if I was going to find my calling, my ideal career, my place in this world to make that "positive contribution to society" that I had been yearning for.  Instead it took me about 6 months to complete that last quarter.  Needless to say that at first I was still trying to adjust to my diagnosis and later I would find that I had to battle chemo brain, fatigue, nausea, pain, and doctors appointments to finally complete the rest.  Whew! That was finally done and degree is safely tucked away in my filing cabinet awaiting its new home in a frame on my wall with my other degrees.

drugs, drugs, drugs
That completed I watched as my finances shrank away to nothing.  I spent over $30K in one year on my own healthcare.  The ironic part about it all was that the chemotherapy and the pharmaceuticals were for the most part "free", covered by the state insurance I got lucky enough to receive.  The natural medicine (the IV's and supplements) were the things I paid for.  Just in case you don't know this insurance does NOT cover natural medicine.  They only cover the man made drugs that you take that might kill cancer but also kills all the good cells in your body as well.  I would take a pill to combat the side effects of chemotherapy, then take another pill to combat the side effects of the last pill, then another pill to combat those side effects.  There were many, many days I would take more than 80mg of oxycodone just to make my pain somewhat bearable.  The nurses said "that isn't much, you don't have to worry" but I was worried about the damage the drugs were doing to my healthy parts.  Don't get me wrong! Chemotherapy (or the combo of chemo with the natural) has done very well for me.  I just got to the point that I could not mentally function anymore from it and had to take a break.  Anyway, back to my point.  Bank account drained and now I am living on SSI and EBT and I am a far cry away from that career I worked so hard to place myself in.  Cancer stole that from me.  Perhaps that just means it wasn't supposed to happen that way after all and my calling is somewhere else in this world.  I still have trouble letting that go.


Pearl and my now sold kayak

The next big thing was the decision to get rid of my car.  My dream car.  I had wanted this car for so many years and I knew I would be driving it until it fell apart so I made certain to get it with all the bells and whistles.  I purchased a 2009 Subaru Outback a few years ago.  My intention was to be able to pay it off within a year or less.  Instead I found myself not being able to make my car payment (which was quite high) and making the trip to the dealer to sell it back to them.  Luckily I had paid enough on it to get out of it free and clear.  So with that I found a cheaper used Subaru sedan that only requires a $200/mo payment.  This may sound incredibly stupid and trivial to some of you out there but to me it was a very emotional experience.  I know it is just a car and it still takes me to the same places but to me it was more than that.  The car I lost (her name was Pearl) was the product of all of my hard work and effort.  It was hand picked by me and it was new so I knew I didn't have to worry about it needing to be fixed for a long time.  It was the product of my efforts.  It was something that I had strived for before my diagnosis and achieved, then just as quickly it was something that my condition, my cancer, had taken away from me.  Little by little things got plucked away. Yet another accomplishment that I still have some trouble letting go of.

My nasty apartment complex used to be
a hospital.  Kinda creepy huh?
Next came the living situation.  Since the SSI/EBT was barely paying my bills, I was no longer able to help out with the mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc.  This ultimately led to a lot of heated arguments between me and my boyfriend.  I knew he couldn't afford to do it all by himself.  I asked him if he thought it would be best for me to move into public housing and he thought it would.  Yet another thing taken from me, my home.  I am now living in a tiny 350sq/ft studio in a giant 14 story building with about 450 other people.  One of my neighbors is an alcoholic and another smokes constantly in his apartment (even though no smoking is allowed).  The smell and smoke waft throughout the hallways and before I put weather stripping around my door frame, into my apartment.  Not a very healthy atmosphere.  Oh, I cannot forget the very first time I had a friend over.  I came downstairs to meet her (you cannot get into my building unless you are a tenant) and as we walked into the building we encountered the Portland police arresting a large man who smelled strongly of weed.  Most likely a drug dealer.  As we arrived on my floor in the elevator we heard shouting and screaming coming from somewhere down the other wing of the building.  Thanks cancer.

I lost my mind.  Well I didn't so much lose it as it was stolen by cancer and chemotherapy.  Even though it has been nearly two months since my last chemo treatment I still constantly battle the fog that is a result of the treatments.  I am not so close to a mental breakdown as I was at the beginning of the year, but I still struggle with trying to concentrate on just about anything.  My attention span is just not there yet.  I easily get confused and frustrated at even the slightest things.  I cannot make a decision to save my life, so I just do nothing at all feeling hopeless sometimes often letting important things fall to the wayside because it only frustrates me and drives me to the edge to try to accomplish them bringing on yet another mini-meltdown.  I still constantly forget many things and still have trouble recalling events and finding the right words.  I will be in the middle of a sentence and just stop because I lost my train of thought and for the life of me forgot what I was talking about or going to say.  Then the person I was talking to tries to help by reminding me of what we were talking about but it only frustrates me more because I can't remember.  Thanks cancer.

I really would love to work, but if I do it has to be an awesome job with decent pay and benefits such as medical etc.  I cannot work a 40 hr week right now so part time would be a requirement.  I cannot foresee how well I will feel on any given day (although that is getting a little better) so having a set schedule wouldn't work well as I may need to call in sick or leave early or show up late from time to time.  If I worked part time my medical coverage from the state will get screwed up and my rent at my crappy studio would cost much more AND I would not get SSI or EBT (or I would get much less) so I am now stuck in a no win situation.  And just who would want to hire cancer girl who has so many needs?  For now I am going to volunteer to learn something new and to get my feet back underneath me slowly.  I HATE YOU CANCER!

Jeff & I at White Pass on a backcountry adventure in '09
The relationship with the man I fell in love with 8 months before my diagnosis has suffered greatly from cancer. Can you imagine finally finding the one you want to spend your life with just to find out 8 months later that they have extensive and aggressive stage IV cancer and the statistics all say that people with that certain type of cancer usually live less than a year? Then once you think you have a handle on all of that you have to deal with your loved one vomiting, writhing in pain, forgetting everything you have said or done recently, constantly having the same conversation over and over with them, dealing with the incredible mood swings that come from the combination of chemo and the trauma of being diagnosed in the first place. Suffice it to say that my relationship with my beloved has not been easy at all since D-day (diagnosis day). In the last year we have argued, miscommunicated, and misunderstood each other more often than not. We used to tell each other every day how lucky we felt that we had finally found each other. We would day dream about all of the things we were eager to do and experience together and spend hours talking about road trips and climbing or skiing trips or peaks we wanted to summit together. We don't do that much anymore. We hardly ever talk about anything that is emotional or involved or important. I think we are both just too raw and hurt from this whole ordeal. he needs time to heal as well. That's the thing about cancer. It doesn't only affect the one diagnosed, it affects everyone around them as well, especially those who care for or about them. It changes the person who has it, they will never be the same ever again. My therapist calls it "adjustment disorder" similar to "post traumatic stress disorder" only it has its own name. Much like anyone who goes through an extremely traumatic experience, the newly diagnosed cancer patient is broken, dismantled, and reconstructed. If they are lucky to live long enough they are somehow supposed to find their "new normal" in all of the rubble and chaos called their life that has crumbled to pieces around them like the debris from a tornado crashing down all around and you are having to watch so you don't get hit by a falling truck or boat that should have never, by all laws of nature, been in the sky in the first place. Much like picking up after a tornado the rebuilding process is slow and some things that used to be are no longer while some of them get rebuild even better than before. That's what we don't know, no one does really, which pieces get rebuilt and which ones don't. Only time will tell that.
Jeff and I at one of my early chemo treatments

 A blogger friend recently posted about "keeping the 'thief' away" in her post about a "typical" cancer diagnosis.  Her words resonated with me so much that it spurred me to post about those things that have been bothering me for so long.  After diagnosis you are in virtual, perpetual hell wondering what the scans will say, if your blood labs are sill looking decent, if all those other aches and pains are cancer, or just exactly what your day will hold for you.  I constantly struggle with these things as I am quite certain most other cancer patients/survivors do.  "Am I eating enough veggies?" "Did I remember to take my supplements today?" "Did I remember to order the ones I am out of?" "What will my next scan say?!" "When will I ever feel somewhat 'normal' again?" "Will I ever get my brain back?" "When will I ever be able to make my own living again?" "I wonder how many of my friends I have disappointed or pissed off by my flakiness?" "When will I ever be able to fully return to life again?" "When am I going to stop hurting and losing things?" I cannot expect anyone of my friends and family to understand what I feel physically and emotionally.  I know that they sympathize with me about my turmoils but they really do not understand.  So many times I have kept how horrible I have felt from those I love because I don't want them to worry about me needlessly.  I think cancer patients do that a lot, keep things bottled up inside.  There are support groups out there, but I really don't want to sit and commiserate with others about how shitty we feel, dwelling on our diagnoses and blaming cancer for everything wrong in our lives.  I am tired of cancer being the biggest thing in my life.  I am ready to move on but moving on is the hardest part.  How can one move on when they are so stuck in the place that cancer left them?  Little by little I guess, every day bringing something different, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

My super conspicuous port sticks out
like a sore thumb
I long for a new home, away from druggies, alcoholics, police arrests, people smoking in the apartment next to me, free bread on wednesdays, conflict resolution classes, signs in the laundry room telling you to not spread bed bugs (WTF!) and government housing in an old scary hospital building.  The only other time I have lived in a place so small was when I was able to walk out my front door and be in the mountains.  It isn't the small size of my apartment that I have trouble with.  It is the fact that when I leave my front door I am accosted by cigarette smoke, mental cases, drug dealers, and other undesirable things.   I make the trip from my front door to my car as quickly as possible trying to keep my eyes down and my hat pulled low over my head.  Maybe I'm stuck up, I don't know, but I really don't care to make any friends in my building.  I don't even want to go home to be alone in my tiny place where I am left to only my thoughts.

I need to do some more healing before I will be able to make my plans happen.  That is another thing that is constantly on my mind....when, WHEN is that going to happen?  How can one plan for something when everything is so uncertain and up in the air?  How can you get off of government assistance when you cannot get a job? What exactly is my plan anyway?

These are the things bouncing around in my head like a pinball threatening to make my brain tilt.  Every great once and a while they don't seem quite so bad, but they are constantly nagging at me every second of every day as I constantly contemplate "What am I going to do now?"

Right now I am going for a walk. Then I am going to spend some time snuggling with my kitty girl while I avoid doing some important things that I really need to do but only end up frustrating me and turning my brain into mush.

There.  Ahhhhh.....
I had to get that off my chest.  I can see the silver lining.  Right now I am just waiting for the clouds to part and the fog to lift.



CANCER CAN SUCK IT!












Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Snow day in Seattle and "The Secret Society of Laura York"

I am cuddling with my kitty in my mom's cozy apartment in Ballard watching the sparkly snow silently fall outside.  I have been awake since about 4:30.  I have never been able to sleep on snow nights.  Even when I lived on Crystal Mountain and had large storms overnight I still was too excited to sleep, thinking of all the fresh tracks and powder stashes that I would get to hit the next morning.  There is also the lovely silence that happens when it snows.  It is like mother nature put some soundproofing all around.  It is so quiet and lovely, especially when I do not have to go drive in it with all of the rest of the world.  I actually love driving in the snow, it is all the other bad drivers out there that I worry about.

I have been feeling much, much better lately.  November 30th was my last chemotherapy treatment.  I do not even have another appointment with my oncologist for a month from now.  It is strange and wonderful to not have any doctors appointments on a weekly basis.  I don't have to adjust the rest of my schedule around doctors offices.  It is nice to say the least.
Every single day I feel a little better and a little better.  I can feel the fog in my head lifting and thinning slightly every day.  I still do not have the memory or concentration that I used to and I easily get flustered and frustrated at my lack of mental concentration/abilities but I do feel like it is getting better.  Just think! If I am feeling better now how great I am going to feel in 3 months!
At my next scan in March I will be getting a PET scan instead of a CT scan.  This is helpful because the PET shows if there are any active cancer cells and the CT only show mass.  This will only be the 3rd PET scan I have had since I was diagnosed back in March 2010.  They don't do these scans often because.....YEP you guessed it! They are expensive and insurance doesn't like to cover them often.  Lame huh?  But I am glad that I am getting one in March and very grateful to be able to.

For those of you out there who have cholangiocarcinoma or for those who have loved ones with it here may be a little bit of news for you.  Keep in mind that everyone is different and what works for one person may not work as well for others AND that there are thousands of alternative treatments out there that your doctor cannot recommend because they have not been "scientifically proven" or because they could even lose their license if they recommend these things.  With those things in mind this is what I am doing right now instead of chemotherapy.  I am trying to give my body a break and let it do its own job of healing itself.  I just could not take any more chemo.

LDN (Low Dose Naltrexone):
It works through my immune system to boost it and induce apoptosis (cell death) in cancer cells.  The only downfall is that if you have any pain and take pain medication this will negate any effects of the meds.  Luckily I have not had much pain lately so this is a good thing.  It is a long term treatment with the only side effects being a chance of sleep disturbances which I have not experienced yet thankfully.  If you are interested here are some links about LDN.  It sounds promising to me.

http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/#How_does_LDN_work_

http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/ldn_and_cancer.htm

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/health/content/accent/epaper/2008/02/07/a5e_bone_col_0207.html

I think it is also used to treat other chronic illnesses such as rheumatiod arthritis and fibromyalgia.



UREA:
Breaks the water matrix around the cancer cells which cause them to stop growing.  It is especially effective against liver cancer.  I am not drinking my own urine by the way...It is a powder I mix into water/juice and drink on a daily basis.  This will most likely be a very long term to life long treatment.  It is a commitment.  Urea was the very first synthetically derived compound discovered to be effective for certain cancers (breast, skin) and especially effective in liver cancer treatment.  It was dismissed as a viable treatment in the 80's due to a bogus study conducted by "professionals" who did not follow the original protocol used by the person who discovered it (Dr. Danopoulos) in 1954 and published a promising study on his findings twenty years later in 1974.  This treatment does not have any side effects and actually does not even make it past the liver if ingested.  So this is perfect for me!

Here are some links to Urea:

http://curezone.com/diseases/cancer/urea.asp

http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/ComplementaryandAlternativeMedicine/PharmacologicalandBiologicalTreatment/urotherapy

http://www.health-science-spirit.com/urine.html


FAT SOLUBLE ARTEMISININ:
I am also getting some blood work done to see how my iron levels are looking.  They could be low due to the bone marrow suppression going on from the wonderful effects of chemotherapy for 20 months.  The minute they are looking good we are also going to start an artemisinin therapy.  I used to take artemisinin supplements but this is supposed to be very different.  This is FAT SOLUBLE artemisinin and you either receive it in an IV form or injection form.  Somehow it creates hydrogen peroxide in the cancer cells effectively killing them and only leaving an oxygen molecule behind.  Ok, I got my facts mixed up (damn chemo brain).  Fat soluble artemisinin actually does something different.  Cancer cells have many, many more iron receptors than normal cells do.  The artemisinin binds to these receptors because they are iron rich and it actually oxidizes the iron in the cells KILLING THEM.  For some reason that I do not remember so much at this time (chemo brain) the fat soluble artemisinin can do this a lot more efficiently than just taking an artemisinin supplement in pill form can.  I know a lot of you who are out there managing your cancer with artemisinin supplements.  This might be something to ask your doctor about  (naturopath, not oncologist or western medicine doc, because remember they cannot recommend this treatment because it is not "scientifically proven" and means nothing in their world, some may even tell you NOT to do it because they do not know anything about it) Not bad!  Again, no side effects! YIPPIE!


Here are some links to Fat Soluble Artemisinin:

http://nutritionaloncology.org/Artemisinin.html


http://www.laleva.cc/choice/artemisia4cancer.html

http://www.self-helpcancer.org/cancertreatment2_1.htm

http://www.healthguideinfo.com/other-cancers/p86967/


I have yet to start the Urea and the artemisinin.  I have already started the LDN and so far so good.  Not too much pain at all and mentally it is like I have been stuck in an old coal mine and just dug my way out and can now smell and taste the fresh air of the sweet outdoors. The fog is still lifting and I'm not complaining.



"The Secret Society of Laura York"

I appears that I have my own secret society.  I think that is freaking cool! Who wouldn't?  I only found out about it last week.  On Thursday my friend Angela sent me a message saying that she really needed to see me that night because she needed to take me somewhere to give me something.  Needless to say, my interest was peaked.  We decided to meet at the Trader Joe's which is literally one block from my apartment.  I met her out front at the designated time and she suggested that we go inside.  Once inside she began to inform me that I had my very own "secret society" where a whole bunch of friends and family came together as an invite only group on facebook.  There are around 200 members! This group of people were coordinated by a friend of mine, John, from my high school years at Timberline in Lacey, WA.  He made a suggestion that if 100 of my friends would donate $1 every week then they would be able to coordinate gift cards at Trader Joes for me so that I don't have to worry about groceries! This is awesome!!!!!!  I can get almost everything I need at Trader Joe's and when my budget is literally less than $10/day this helps me out immensely!!!
I just cannot fathom the coordination and effort this took to pull together.  Thank you John and EVERYONE who has contributed to my continued health and support.  I simply cannot express my gratitude sufficiently to describe the great feeling of love, joy and support I feel from all of you.

I would like to extend another HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who has sent me cards, letters, gift cards, etc and so many wonderful words of support and love.  It is an awesome feeling to check the mailbox and get so many thoughtful mail inside.  This has truly re-inspired me and has taken so much stress off of me both financially and mentally.

Stay healthy everyone! You all have my deepest appreciation and love.

And oh yeah,

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Asking for help isn't always easy, but it's humbling...

Here is a link to my ChipIn account that goes directly into PayPal....
Many of you have been asking about this and here you go.....

Much, MUCH LOVE!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Ugly Side of Life


I have been gone lately.  Not physically away from my usual place of residence, but in every other way.  The past couple of months have been really hard on me.  The added pressure and stress of 2 adults and 2 babies living with me was hard.  Actually it was far too much for me to handle, being in the midst of other peoples problems (large ones) and living in the middle of my own trying to be healthy and happy and positive and take good care of myself while I got chemo every other week and mostly felt like poop.  It was as if I had absolutely no control over my life, especially in the one area that it mattered most, in my home sanctuary.

I made the decision to place my name on the waiting list for public, or assisted, or transitional housing…whichever you prefer to call it.  I had to get a doctors letter saying that my condition was so extreme that they (he) did not expect me to live longer than 12 months.  It was a quiet but extreme blow to my psyche (which I did not learn until later would be so damaging to my mental health).  I mean I have this paper that said, “Put this girl at the TOP of the list for housing because we think she will die soon”.  Not exactly what will pump you up into a positive mental attitude.  My decision to move into assisted housing was due to many parts but basically came down to one really large and unavoidable circumstance.  I simply could not afford to help my boyfriend pay for his mortgage any longer and he could not cover it all by himself, especially since he is unemployed (well he is now working part time as a ski instructor but we all know it is not a job you do for the money, it is for the pass and the environment) and working on going back to grad school.  He is getting roommates to share the house and rent with so that he can pay the mortgage.  He already has one and is now looking for another.  So now there are two people and two dogs at my old home that I loved so much…the yard! The sunshine! The garden and compost! The neighborhood feel! Mowing grass and doing yard work! Watching the hummingbirds at the feeder! Oh! It is nothing like where I am now.

Due to the chemotherapy eating away both the cancerous cells and the perfectly good cells in my body (such as brain cells as well as other cells) it has been hard for me to cope lately.  Emotionally I am a complete basket case.  Logically I cannot think clearly or in any way to be able to make rational or logical decisions.  I collapse in a heap, defeated, lost, confused and sobbing when trying to make up my mind about even the smallest of things.  Every time I receive chemo within the next 3 hours I can literally FEEL my body off gassing, no joke! I can feel the cells in my brain and eyes being literally eaten away and I feel as if I am sitting in vapors being emitted by my own body.  This feeling usually goes on for the remainder of the evening until I am able to fall asleep (which also is not easy due to the prednisone they give prior to the chemo to help the anti-nausea medicine do its job more effectively).  I am an emotional train wreck.  Of course it would make sense that my boyfriend and I would have relationship problems.  I can’t even deal with me most of the time, how can I expect someone else to be able to?  So of course we have had problems communicating.  I did not know what to do so my mother came down over Thanksgiving to help me pack my belongings and move them into a storage unit.  I had help from a dear friend.  Then on December 8th my mom came back to Portland and helped me get most of the rest of my stuff into storage.  On the 10th I temporarily moved into a hotel for a week to take care of some vet and doctors appointments (chemo) that I had scheduled.  This week I also ran around madly to try to get the paperwork together for my public housing to go through.  I drove to Seattle on Dec 17th to spend the rest of the year with my mom and to wait for my housing to hopefully open up by the New Year.  I arrived in Seattle on Saturday and on Monday I got a call from the housing authority of Portland saying that I had a spot and that I needed to come right away to secure it and sign a lease.  I drove back to Portland the next day to take care of business.  365 sq/ft studio, small but clean on the 4th floor facing west to get the afternoon sunlight.  On my way home I spent the night with my uncle and aunt who live halfway between Seattle and Portland because I couldn’t make a 7-hour drive in one day.  They are so wonderful my aunt and uncle! Then it was back to Seattle to try to visit one of my good friends.  We have been finding it very hard to get together.  I botched that visit by neglecting to stay in touch to set up a good time and day for us to get together.  I am beyond spacey and flakey.  Anyone who is close to me knows that.  I constantly forget important things.  Lately I have felt so out of control and hopeless that I avoid everyone and everything often blowing off really important things because it to just simply too much for me to handle both physically and emotionally.  Thank you chemotherapy. 

Christmas was spent with my grandmother and my mother’s family in Olympia.  Even though it was enjoyable seeing everyone all I could think about is how fucked up my life is, how I missed Thanksgiving, and now am missing Christmas even though I was physically present.  What holidays?! More like “chemo-daze” to me. Then we drove back home Christmas eve to take care of my diabetic and hyperthyroid cat (who I LOVELOVELOVE!!!) Christmas day my mother and I spent trying to relax and enjoy ourselves.  We mostly used the time to sleep from exhaustion and plan our following day, which involved driving to Tenino and meeting my aunt.  We used my uncle’s truck to move my things out of the storage into my new tiny place.  It took all day long and boyfriend helped too.  We didn’t get it all done (still things in storage, things scattered around my old house, my aunts home, my storage and my new apartment).  My life (my belongings) is/are scattered in 4 different places.  We had diner together and than my mom and aunt left to go back home as it was late and they had to go to work the next day.  I am now all alone in my place.  I cannot walk or move or unpack because of all the boxes everywhere.  I go out of my door and I am reminded about where I live…the hallways smell like smoke and the sick and elderly like greasy food and unhealthy lifestyles.  95% of the people I meet who live here tell me “You better watch out and be careful around here! There are drugs and druggies everywhere and you can get anything you want. Be careful about who you talk to.”  Those are the people who do communicate with me.  The others seem to have a fine time communicating with themselves.  I know that everyone has their own shit to overcome and I am trying my very best to not be judgmental.  I feel so completely out of place here.  I am surrounded by others who are not like me and I am uncomfortable.  I try not to make eye contact with anyone because they will just start talking to me and asking questions like “how old are you?!” “why are you here?” (like it is prison or that I did something bad to end up here) blah, blah, blah…..

I spent the first 5 days here sobbing and contemplating my life and how it came to this.  I watched Louise Hay videos trying to find a glimmer of hope among them.  They only made me feel worse.  I quite literally wanted to throw myself in front of a bus or train.  I hid from everyone and did not leave my apartment.  Locked inside with a mountain of boxes that I could not walk around.  I would decide to be more upbeat and begin to unpack a bit.  That would ultimately leave me confused and overwhelmed wondering where I would put anything, where anything was in the first place (you should try finding things you have packed away when you have chemo brain, impossible!) and if I should even unpack at all or just leave it in the box and put it all back into storage and run as fast as I could up to my mom to live with her in her small apartment in Seattle.  That opened up a new can of worms, changing medical insurance, hoping I could get insurance in WA, how long would it take, did I really want to leave Portland, etc. -too many decisions for a stressed out, emotional basket case like me to make.  I shut down.  I just sat in my apartment in front of open boxes sobbing not knowing what to do.  This has been to date the absolute lowest point in my life.  I never thought I would say that anything was harder than learning I had cancer but THIS WAS.  All I could think was that this, THIS has got to be the absolute bottom.  How could it be worse?  I felt completely alone, abandoned, lost, hopeless, afraid, uncertain, confused, beaten, overwhelmed, and like I had not only let down so many other people but now I am letting down myself and even my cat.  Where was the good?  Why does it have to be always so hard?  Didn’t I put in my time? Didn’t I put enough good karma into the world yet to start getting a little back?  I went to undergrad, then on to get two masters degrees and now I am living in assisted public housing, literally on less than $10/day!!!  Where was the future I wanted? The awesome career that I spent 8 years of my life striving towards?  WHY ME? WHY WHY WHY!!!!!??? What did I do wrong?  How can I even do anything right when I cannot even think?

The last week has literally been the lowest point of my life.

My mom came back down on Saturday with the intention of bringing me home with her.  She was very worried.  I was emotionally battered and lost.  I had a cold from the stress/move/chemo/detox/my new place/whatever.  I had nightmares every single night about being abandoned and lost and alone.  I stopped showering or changing clothes or caring about eating or anything.  I stopped functioning.  Complete shut down, mentally and physically.  Today is Tuesday, she left yesterday morning.  She helped me make my place feel a lot more homey and comfy and positive.  We did a lot of talking.  When she left she told me that her intention upon arrival was to take me home with her, but that she felt ok leaving me here because she felt that I was going to be ok.  I know it was hard for her to go.  It was hard for me to watch her go as the worry started creeping in at the edges again.

I never thought I would be in this place at this time at this point in my life.



I have made a momentous decision.  I have decided to take a break, maybe forever, from chemotherapy.  I feel it has done good, don’t get me wrong.  But I also feel that it has done equally as much harm.  I am completely imbalanced in every way.  Chemo has been doing a bang up job of killing my cancer cells but it has also done a bang up job of killing a whole lot of good cells as well.  I have not had a menstrual cycle since I started chemo, I have not been able to think clearly not even once since I started chemo, I have been nauseous, tired, ill, have had no appetite, and have had no energy for the most part since I started chemo.  I feel that it is time for me to take the completely natural approach to riding my body of this dead tumor material.  The PET scan I had back in August said “Complete Remission of Disease” but my oncologist says “you still have cancer that isn’t getting picked up on the PET scan most likely and we will continue therapy with you until the day you die!”  That day will most likely come sooner than later if I continue getting chemotherapy.  Really! The day I die! For the rest of my living days I will get chemo according to my oncologist.  This is NOT ok with me. 

The last appointment I had to get chemo was not a happy day.  I was very emotional and distraught.  I asked my oncologist for a break from chemo.  I have my next appointment on the 12th (next Thursday).  I am going to ask for a longer break, 3 months, until we do another scan to see if they are still shrinking or growing back (they will be shrinking!)
I am convinced that the chemo is no longer doing my body good.  I feel it is time for me to gain control over by own body again and walk my talk for real now…Green juices, vegetables, NO CHEMICALS OF ANY KIND and lots of kindness to my self in every way.  Acupuncture and some natural therapies (there are lots to chose from out there to fight cancer) are my new regime.  Detuning is of the utmost importance.  Exercise! Skiing! Climbing! Hiking! Yoga! Rebounding! Finding the joy in life again.

So no more chemo…

To all of my friends and family out there that I have been so flaky with during the past 20 months of chemo induced madness let me say that I am sincerely sorry.  I know that you all care and that you all have my best interest in mind and that you truly want to see me because you miss me and care. 
I have not ever wanted to be this flaky person.  I have never wanted to go through any of this in any small way.  But this is my reality at the moment and I am working on making it better.

Please know that just because my scans show that there is a decrease in the size of my tumors etc. that this DOES NOT MEAN that I am feeling good by any stretch of the imagination.  I STILL FEEL THE SAME AS I DID 20 MONTHS AGO if not worse.  I still have been getting chemotherapy every other week for the last 20 months! Frying every good and bad cell in my body and in my mind.  I am sorry if I am not the Laura you used to recognize.  I don’t even know if that same person is still here or not…I don’t remember anymore.

I know it will take literally months to detox my body from just the chemo alone.  Hopefully the Laura you all know and love will be back in some new and different way soon.

I am literally living on less than $10/day.  Anything at all anyone could do would help me out beyond belief.  Gift cards that you got for Christmas and don’t think you will use?  Gift cards to Trader Joes, Whole Foods, Fred Meyer, Target, Costco, whatever I can use any of these no matter if there is only $1 on it.  You can also send me a private message if you wish, those would go a long way right now for giving me the mental and emotional support I need as well, even a card is wonderful if you prefer the old fashioned way.  Tell your friends, tell them to tell their friends.  You don’t need my permission to share my story with others.  If you know me well at all, you will also know that I am pretty much an open book.  I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve and I have been withdrawn lately.  I know something is up and I have avoided telling my story for so long now it hurts.  I need to get this out of me and into the universe knowing that I am supported and loved in every way and every minute of every day walk in gratitude and joy being present in this moment and grateful and fortunate for it all…Ahem….



I still have some t-shirts “Cancer Can Suck It!” if anyone is interested just let me know.  I also have “Cancer Can Suck It” “I’m A Cancer Assassin” buttons/pins for sale.  And as soon as I can afford gas to go back to the coast I will have more supplies for making mobiles. 

My new address is:
4400 NE Broadway #406
Portland OR 97213

I would love to hear from you.  Right now it is time to make some green juice and go for a walk.  That is at least a good step in the right direction.

Peace, love, light, health, joy, gratitude and many blessings to all in this wonderful New Year of 2012.  Every day is a blessing.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Would you like some WHINE with that?

Wow!

It's been a while since I have posted, over a month.  Things have been extremely busy, hectic, emotional, and tiring lately...so much so that I have not even had the energy to make a new blog post.  Here is a little forewarning that this post could be all over the place (much like my brain) as there are lots of things I want to share.

Sausage making with my uncle.  Its more fun to make than to eat.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Mine was spent packing up boxes full of my belongings with my mother.  The next day (black Friday) we spent the day moving all of those boxes into a storage unit.  I am moving out of my current home soon.  I cannot afford to stay there boyfriend can't support the two of us, especially since he is a student and is currently not employed.  So I am currently on the wait list for public housing.  I am at the top of the list actually.  I get "priority" because I have a disability and condition that no one expects I will survive more than 12 months from.  Isn't that lovely?  This public housing will cost me 30% of my paycheck....which is a modest $674/mo meaning that it will cost roughly $201....so I am supposed to somehow live on $447/mo...yeah, right....gas, car pmt, insurance, phone, utilities, FOOD, cat supplies....you see where I am going here.  Obviously this isn't going to work either but I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it, which will hopefully be sooner than later....

Cancer Can Suck It!
Cancer is a bitch, really it is.  It not only destroys your body and mind, it also wreaks havoc on ALL of your relationships and friendships often destroying them as well.  People get tired of taking care of "cancer girl" all the time and become resentful.  After all, "cancer girl" gets all the attention, even though she did not ask for it and just wishes that things could somewhat resemble "normalcy" once again.  It really fucking sucks to know that you are lame and screwed up in the brain and weak and too skinny and forgetful and nothing tastes good, and there is no energy to stand in the kitchen and cook and you have no money to order food anywhere anyway.   I pretty much have been living on yogurt and granola for the past 4 months or so...I would LOVE to have some subscription to some sort of "pre-made" meal service or some stock of yummy meals in my freezer so that on those days (and there are MANY) that I don't feel like cooking (often cooking food makes me nauseous and I no longer want to even eat it) so I could just pop a pre-made meal into the oven and rest while it cooks itself.   Wouldn't that be awesome!  Perhaps Santa will leave that under my pillow this year (can't afford a tree this year, let alone any presents)....

Life now is obviously not what I would have expected it to be.  I was in grad school working on my second masters degree only a quarter away from graduating for the second time when I got the diagnosis of the big "C".  Things were looking so great for me and my career.  I was supposed to be doing something that I loved and was passionate about but instead I sit in chemotherapy killing cancer (and many other good cells like brain cells, white and red blood cells, bone marrow cells, etc) and wondering how I am going to pay my bills, where I will move to, when I will ever get to move, if boyfriend and I will have another stupid argument about nothing at all because there is a larger underlying issue that we can't seem to get past, and if I will have the energy to take care of myself for another day/week/month.  I constantly worry about not getting enough to eat, enough exercise, if I took my pills today, if I am forgetting something important, if boyfriend still loves me or if he is finally tired of all the cancer bullshit yet.

So I am in limbo...in every way.  Limbo, waiting for housing to open up....Limbo, waiting for CT scans PET scans, getting chemo because no one knows what else to do because NO ONE has ever had such success in battling cholangiocarcinoma and they are stumped so lets just keep on administering chemotherapy because her symptoms aren't "that bad" comparatively speaking.  Limbo, waiting to see if things will get better hoping and PRAYING that the next scan doesn't show growing cancer cells.  Limbo as you wait for your life to start again instead of going from doctors appointment to doctors appointment and life revolving around healthcare.

I also had the WORST vet appointment ever last week at the Fremont Vet Clinic in Portland.  Seriously, DON'T TAKE YOUR ANIMAL THERE unless you want to have them TORTURED by their staff.  They are by far the absolute WORST vet clinic I have ever had the misfortune of visiting.  They did not listen to my requests or advice regarding my cat (who only has a very limited window of time before she becomes very very angry, hissy and extremely stressed and unpleasant.  They completely ignored me and my concerns.  They came at my cat with a bright orange towel (my cat doesn't tolerate towels coming at her) and ignored me when I told them that the towel would only make her behavior worse.  I expressed my disappointment and concerns in a very calm way at first, then as I heard my cat screaming through TWO CLOSED DOORS I lost my patience.   The staff were all lolly gagging around the back room while this was going on and as I waited for half an hour before we even saw the vet in the first place.  They did not even get to trim some matts off of her belly or trim her nails because she was so worked up.  They then proceeded to call me the next day with blood test results, told me she had a hyperactive thyroid and that she needed medication and then the doctor proceeded to HANG UP on me!  No once did anyone ever admit that they could have handled me or my cat with more respect nor did they apologize for being half an hour late with my appointment.  They were too high and mighty to do that.  I made an appointment with a holistic vet in Hawthorne the very same day and I must say that they are excellent and would highly recommend the Hawthorne Vet Clinic to anyone in or near PDX.  There is NO NEED to put up with "holier than thou" vets such as the people at the Fremont Vet Clinic, and your animal does not need to be tortured by these beasts either.  If this is your vet, do you pet a favor and take them right away to the clinic on Hawthorne where you AND your animal will get treated with respect and compassion rather than with poor attitudes and bad practices.

I really hate to whine and complain but the times are ripe with disappointments and let downs lately.  The bright spot is that ski season has started and I have already been skiing twice in the month of November! THAT I am not complaining about...

On another note, here is my Christmas wish list....

Trader Joe's gift cards (for groceries)
Fred Meyer gift cards (for groceries and household supplies)
Costco gift cards (for some groceries and household supplies such as cat litter and pee pads)
New Seasons gift cards (groceries)
A massage (it would feel oh so good!)
A trip to the dentist (Dr Perry Jones in Ballard (seattle WA) for a teeth cleaning
Pre-made meals or a subscription to someone who does this (for those times I have NO energy to make food for myself which is OFTEN)

As you have probably been able to tell from all of my whining in this post, things have NOT been very fun or easy lately.  Luckily the house guests are gone now and there is a tiny bit of peace in our home...however we are left with a bunch of stuff (furniture clothing etc) and LARGE utility bills to pay due to it all, along with all of the broken things that were left in their wake.  Fun. Just what I wanted/needed....more stress, gee, thank you...Housing please come through soon!!!

Just when you think things couldn't possibly get worse and you have finally found the bottom of that pit, they do and the bottom falls out anyway because you weren't really at the bottom yet....I guess....Some days are harder than others and some days are extremely emotional thanks to the drugs and the stress.

But somehow things always find a way to get better, it might take a LONG time sometimes or at least it feels like it takes forever but it does eventually happen.  I think, for me, I need to take things slowly and realize that I only have so much energy and that I need to decide what to spend that energy on...like skiing and cuddling my kitty girl!