Questions answered

Since the news of my recent PET scan back in March I have been receiving a lot of emails from people all over the world who have received the news that they, or their loved ones, have cholangiocarcinoma or another form of cancer.  I have also received some emails from those who have loved ones that have recently ended their struggle with cholangiocarcinoma and have gone on to find a different kind of peace. Those emails are a humbling reminder that my story could have ended so differently.  One of my loved ones could have been saying the same about me right now to another person with CC.  How hard I fought.  How I changed my diet, my lifestyle, sought natural therapies, received chemotherapy for two years, remained active, had a positive attitude and tried like hell to survive.

This reminds me of something important that I feel incredibly adamant about expressing to you right now.  Even though we are all made up of the same parts we are all not the same.  What worked well for me might not work for another.  I believe that diet is extremely important to health and that you literally are what you eat.  I also feel that it is important to eat as many vegetables as you can and limit the animal protein.  I do not think that being a vegetarian or meat eater is good or bad.  I do think that there are times in everyones lives that eating meat is good and times when veggies are the only way to go, but only you know that.  And if you don't then I highly recommend doing a little research and soul searching and paying attention to your body and it's needs.  Only you know what is best for you.  The same goes for supplements and vitamins.  It is best to try to get these needs met from the food you eat (again the importance of diet), but it is not always possible to do this.  Here is where the need for adding supplements to your diet is found.  I would never recommend that you try to do this all by yourself.  I would highly recommend that you consult a doctor of natural medicine for this and perhaps even a nutritionist.  I have done countless hours of research since "D-day" in March of '10.  I have visited alternative healers, drank ox bile powder, got massages, acutonics, acupuncture, shiatsu, taken many, many herbs and supplements, exercised as much as possible, practice visualization and manifestation, sing songs to my liver every day, and think about every single thing I put into my mouth.  I am obsessed with healing.  I also believe attitude has a lot to do with healing.  I am fascinated by how what we put into our mouths is directly translated into our bodies and minds.  We literally become what we eat.  We are a product of our environment in every way.

A lot of you out there want to know what I did to kill my cholangiocarcinoma.  How I "beat" it.  Let me say that I am not certain that I will ever feel like I "beat" it.  It is with me every day.  I still feel the dead tumors in my liver, sometimes they hurt and it makes me freak out.  They constantly remind me about my choices and adjust my attitude on life.  I sure did a number on it though.  I did the impossible and I am very sensitive to the need to stay healthy so that it never comes back.  It wasn't the CC but the chemo that really did the long term damage.  I worry more about those side effects a lot and still struggle with many of them.  I often forget that I went through two years of chemo and wonder why I am so tired all of the time.  I try to set realistic goals so that my days are positive and I am not beating myself up over what I didn't get done or what self imposed expectations didn't get met.  In short it is still a work in progress.  I haven't joined the land of the "normal" yet but I am still working towards it.  It doesn't seem so far away now at least.

Now, to answer some questions.  I hope that I have addressed everyone's questions.  I began to feel that many of the questions were the same so I thought I could reach more people this way rather than private email and still have a little energy left for myself.  I will start at the beginning.

Back in May of '09 I began having a sharp knife type pain in the center of my abdomen directly in the middle of my ribs right at the bottom of my ribcage.  It hurt to breathe.  I felt some "hardness" in that area as well and it was very tender.  A couple of weeks later the pain returned and was so bad that I went to the emergency room.  I woke up crying in the middle of the night it hurt so bad.  While at the ER I was given an ultrasound to see if I had gallstones.  I was relieved.  The relief quickly faded when they spent about an hour trying to find some reason I was in so much pain.  They saw nothing at all.  They sent me home telling me to get in touch with my primary doctor to get an endoscopy.  I had already had 3 prior encoscopies and knew that it would tell them nothing.  The pain subsided a bit in the next months but often came and went.  I began to feel a definite hardness in my body in the area where it constantly hurt.  I asked my primary about it in August of '09 and even had her feel it.  She knew my history of digestive disorder (prior IBS diagnosis in '98) and for some reason this pain seemed insignificant to her.  She felt the (by now) giant hard lump in my abdomen and said "It seems unremarkable to me, it could be a hernia.  Take some prilosec for the next month and let me know if it feels worse."  So I did what anyone who has herd this a million times do, dismiss it and move on.  And move on I did.  I moved to Portland in December '09 and in March I hurt so bad one day that my boyfriend at the time said "I don't care if you have no insurance you need to go to the doctor."   I went to see a doctor at a same day clinic, she ordered a CT with contrast scan and the next day had full blown stage IV, incurable, inoperable cancer.  No one had ever done a CT with contrast scan before.



MY DIET


Three days after my diagnosis I had my "last meal".  I knew I had to change my diet, that was obvious to me.  I allowed myself to have one of my favorite meals before my dramatic diet alteration.  That night I ordered a steak, salad, and glass of wine.  It was devine!  The next day everything would change.

After devouring Kris Carr's book Crazy Sexy Cancer I had a basic game plan for my diet.  I eliminated nearly everything.  I stopped eating meat, diary and animal products (occasional piece of fish).  I eliminated sugar. I eliminated caffeine.  I eliminated alcohol.  I eliminated all processed food and chemicals.  I read every ingredient on every label and if I didn't have a good idea of what it was I would not even put it in my cart.  I shopped almost exclusively in the produce department.  I ate organic food as much as possible.  I ate a lot of kale, made a lot of wheat grass juice and other green juices.  I had a hard time eating in restaurants unless they were vegetarian (even then I had to make modifications), or raw.  Juicing can be expensive so try to purchase what is on sale.  It was not easy and I wont pretend like it was.  I literally spent hours in the grocery store reading labels and looking for the elusive healthy food down the aisles.  For me it was not a question of convenience, it was a matter of life and death.  My body needed nourishment and a flood of healthy food just to have a chance.  I was going to give it to it.


MY SUPPLEMENTS


I knew that I needed to take supplements.  My body had been pushed too far and it needed help.  My first attempt at finding a good naturopath had failed miserably.  I didn't let this discourage me though and sought out another.  Dr. Peterson had been recommended to me by an alternative healer who felt that he could work miracles.  I contacted him the next day and my first appointment was scheduled.  Dr. Peterson worked with me on finding the right supplements for me to take while getting chemotherapy.  He thought carefully about each and every supplement he would have me take.  Some were to help my liver detox and function better.  Some were to negate the side effects of chemotherapy and keep me healthy during my toxic treatments.  Some were to replenish my nutrients, or to fight cancer but they were all tailored to me personally for specific reasons.  Some were to help me sleep or for hot flashes brought on by "chemopause".  Some were no brainers like curcumin, turmeric, milk thistle, green tea, shark liver oil, vitamin C, etc. and some were pretty specific to my lab results and CBC's.

Here is the list of what I was on during my chemotherapy treatment.  You can also find it on my Amazon wish list

Maxiflav, Scientific Botanicals Inc.
Curamed, Terry Naturally
Shark Liver Oil, Scandinavian Formulas
Liver Support, Vital Nutrients
Pure Lean Nutrients with Metafolin, Pure Encapsulations
Oncotonin, Cardiovascular Research
Detox Formula, Vital Nutrients
Vitamin D-3 5,000IU, Pure Encapsulations
Ultra Potent-C 1,000, Metagenics
Ultra Clear Plus, Metagenics
Mycelized Vitamin A, Metagenics
Selenuim, Scientific Botanicals
Artemisinin, Allregy Research Group
Seriphos, Interplexus Inc.
Cortisol Manager, Integrative therapies
HRT Plus, Longevity Plus

This is what I am taking now.  You can also find this on my Amazon wish list.

Ultra Potent C 1,000 IU, Metagenics
Quercetin, Vital Nutrients
Milk Thistle, Vital Nutrients
CuraMed, Terry Naturally
Oncotonin, Cardiovascular Research
Vitamin D-3, Pure Encapsulations
Green Tea Extract, Vital Nutrients
Detox Formula, Vital Nutrients
Liver Support, Vital Nutrients

I am also on Urea (Carbamide) therapy (25g/day in 1 qt. organic pomegranate juice and filtered water) and
Low Dose Naltrexone both for preventing and killing cancer.

Again, I would highly recommend that you consult a doctor of natural medicine before you begin any supplement regime.  This will not only ensure your safety but ensure that you are getting supplements tailored to your individual needs.


MY LIFESTYLE

I used to like to go to the bar for a beer or two.  I stopped drinking after my "last meal".  I never thought I would ever stop drinking or even have to stop drinking.  I chose to because I just didn't see the point.  Why would anyone who had liver cancer think that drinking would be a good idea?  I certainly did not think it seemed smart.  It has been over two years and I still have not had more than a sip or two of beer.  It just doesn't appeal to me anymore much like fast food or microwaved food does not appeal to me.  I realize the value and importance of exercise but I also realize that my body needs time to heal.  When I was feeling good (like right after chemo and the steroids they gave me hadn't worn off yet) I would do as much as I could or wanted, often overdoing it a bit but it all being worth it in the end.  Conversely I would sometimes lounge, relax and sleep for days not even having the energy to prepare a meal.  I just tried to go with the flow and listen to what my body wanted to tell me.  It needed me to take care of it and give it what it needed.
I strived to have a clean environment.  I got rid of chemicals in the entire house.  I tossed cleaners, shampoo, soap, face cream, dish soap, bleach, air fresheners, laundry detergent, deodorant and whatever else I could find that had chemicals in it.  I used the Cosmetics Safety Database to see how toxic my products were and to find ones that were less hazardous to my health.  I made my own cleaning solutions and quit buying chemicals at the store.  I purchased an air purifier and a couple of himalayan salt lamps to purify and ionize my air.  I refill a 5 gallon jug with filtered water ever week.  I do not use a microwave or non stick cookware.  I always bring healthy snacks with me almost everywhere I go just in case I get hungry or I am out longer than expected that way I have something healthy to eat.  I take many hot detoxifying baths with epsom salts, cellular detox salts, mustard baths, always adding essential oils to the mix.  I dry brush every day.  Your skin is your largest organ and dry brushing helps you rid your body of toxins through dead skin as well as increases circulation.  I have and use a rebounder whenever I am not able to do much hiking or skiing.  Rebounding helps drain the lymphs contributing to the detox process.  I took the time to relax when I needed it and tried to see the beauty in each and every day.  I told myself every day that I was "happy, healthy, and full of life" and really believed that I was going to kick some cancer ass.  I was determined to prove the statistics wrong.  I have always believed that what you focus on expands and feel that my thoughts and actions have direct impact on my life.  I'm not saying I was always positive, there were many times I felt hopeless.  It is important to give in to grief and fear a little sometimes in order to feel true happiness and hopefulness.  I cried both tears of fear and joy, sometimes at the same time.  Giving in on occasion is ok, but staying in that dark place isn't.  Nothing can grow but more darkness where there is no light.


MY SYMPTOMS/LABS ETC.

I never showed any signs of cholangiocarcinoma.  I was never jaundiced, had bile restrictions, or any of the other classic tell-tale signs of liver disease.  It just hurt in the center of my abdomen.  I do remember being very itchy, especially on my head.  I also remember having "floaters" in my vision and even mentioning it to my optometrist at one point.  I had classic signs of IBS, some nausea and fatigue.  I felt like I was a healthy person, I got lots of exercise, thought I ate well, drank moderately, used natural products etc.  I realize now that I was not as healthy as I thought, but still healthier than a lot of others.  My diagnosis literally blew me away and blew all the doctors away.  How could a otherwise healthy 38 year old female have such a rare and extensive cancer?
Upon diagnosis my alkaline phosphate levels were in the 380's, today they are 114.
My CA-19-9 values were 27 at diagnosis and today they are 24.

I am still anemic, have low red and white blood cell counts and a variety of other abnormalities mostly due to recovering from two years of chemotherapy.  The CBC's are getting better and I am slowly creeping closer to the "normal" range at every lab.  I keep waiting for the one where all of my blood counts are back to normal.  My next appointment with my oncologist is in May, 2 months from my last visit (I used to go every other week) which seems like a long time but it has been nice to not have to worry about having so many doctors appointments.  I still go in every week to every other week for a nutritional IV from my naturopath.  I have an appointment tomorrow actually.  I think he is going to put me on another therapy, fat soluble artemisinin that is administered in my IV.  We are taking no chances on allowing cancer to gain a foothold again and that is perfectly ok by me.

Some books that I would recommend to anyone who is currently researching natural ways to care for yourself or a loved one with cancer are the following.  I have found them all to be full of valuable information.

Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips, Kris Carr
Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor, Kris Carr
Crazy Sexy Diet, Kris Carr
What to Eat if You Have Cancer, Keane & Chace
Beating Cancer with Nutrition, Quillin
You Can Heal Your Life, Louise Hay
Cancer, 50 Essential Things To Do, Anderson
Macrobiotic diet books, Kushi
The Cancer Fighting Kitchen, Katz
The Body Ecology Diet, Donna Gates
The Simply Raw Living Foods Detox Manual, Natasha Kyssa
Creative Visualizations, Gawain
Love is in the Earth, Melody

Please refer to the sidebar on the left to find many other resources online and other great blogs that are wonderful resources all on their own!

If I have not addressed everyones questions please let me know and I would be happy to answer them.  I wish you all the very best of health.  I still spend a lot of time researching food and natural medicine and therapies and invite you to follow me on facebook at The Cancer Assassin or on twitter @climbhikeski


I had a wonderful time with my father on our road trip from Tennessee.  It is nice knowing that my dad is not far away now and I can see him a lot more often.  We took our time driving across the country and saw the sights along the way.  It was my first ever road trip with my father and we both enjoyed it very much.  I am still trying to settle into my new place and unpack.  Chemo brain doesn't help especially since many things have been packed for months now and I don't remember where I packed them...Every day is an adventure :)

"Sympathy" pain

Jeff and I at chemo July, 2010

I am still on cloud nine from the news from my recent scan.  Things look good here in cancer land.  I have yet to hear the words "remission" but I really don't care.  I suspect that is due to the fact that I still have cancer in my body, it is dead and shrinking every day, but it is still there.  Remission is kind of a dirty, tricky word anyway.  To be in remission means that you can just as easily be out of remission at any given moment.  Being told that I am in remission would cause me to worry about possibly being out of remission and honestly, I would rather not have that hanging over my head.  I would rather spend that energy in much healthier ways, like getting healthy, recovering from cancer and cancer treatments, regaining my mind power, focus, concentration and memory.  It still gets better on some small level every single day, not noticeably better from day to day, but better in comparison to months ago and for that I am so very thankful.

My two year "Cancerversary" was this recent Saturday.  I knew it was coming but when the day came I actually completely forgot all about it.  I guess I have had other things on my mind.  I should have been celebrating.

The boyfriend and I have been growing apart for quite some time now.  We have been losing our connection, both emotionally and physically.  I have felt it since the day he came with me to hear those words "You Have Cancer".  I can still vividly remember the look on his face before those words were even fully off the lips of the doctor.  At first I thought it was shock.  This is what I told myself for a long time.  What I failed to see, or perhaps did not want to see, is that it was indeed shock, but also some other things like pity, sympathy, and with those words the first unconscious brick was placed in the wall that would later come between us and our love for each other and lead to the demise of our relationship.

Every time I had a procedure or went for chemotherapy, another brick was placed in that wall.  Every time I confided in how much I hurt physically, how uncomfortable I was, every time I vomited or was too weak to fend for myself another brick went into that wall.  He began distancing himself from me.  He felt as if there was nothing he could do for me.  I am sure it was not easy for him to watch someone he loved having to go through such a fight for their life.  There were times he would even say out of frustration "I can't deal with this".  The first time was shortly after my diagnosis while we were in Hawaii.  It was just too much for him to handle and he shut down.  He stopped communicating with me completely.  I tried every tactic from tough love, to heart felt conversations to becoming angry and bitter but nothing could get him to open up about how he really felt.  This went on from the day I was diagnosed until one week ago.  There came a time that I finally gave up on trying to get him to communicate with me.  That was around last November.  We didn't spend the holidays together, we only hung out to ski or have a quick bite of lunch or dinner together then we both went our separate ways, usually with me going home and him going to a bar.  It was at one of those bars where he met someone who could fulfill his need for physical stimulation.  We hadn't had sex in months.  Even though we were still in a relationship he cheated on me.  This happened the day after I found out the awesome news from my last PET scan.  Perhaps he didn't feel quite so guilty about it because I no longer had cancer.  He wouldn't seem like such an ass then as he would if he cheated on his girlfriend while she was fighting for her life.  I don't blame him for seeking sexual connections with someone else, I had become unavailable to him in that way due to the lack of communication resulting in the lack of knowing how he felt about me.  I don't hate him.  Hate is a word I rarely use.  It just isn't in my vocabulary.  Much more can be solved from love than hate.

Then we had a much overdue conversation.  He came clean, and honestly talked to me about how he had been feeling for so long.  I know he still loves me and cares about me.  But there is a huge loss.  The fun we used to have, the connection we shared, the way we were so completely and deeply in love was lost the day I got my diagnosis.  All he could see was "sick Laura" and he felt as if he could do nothing at all for me.  He stayed with me for nearly two years yearning for what we once had pre-cancer.  He wished, as did I, that we could find that love again.  I watched hopelessly as my body ravaged from cancer and chemotherapy became a former vision of itself and became undesirable to the person I loved the most.  All of those times he used to sneak up behind me and hold me while planting little heated kisses on my neck were just gone.  It was if if he was afraid to touch me, afraid he might hurt me or break me or afraid that he might get "the cancer".  For two years he kept his mouth shut and did not communicate his true feelings.  He was afraid of hurting me and my feelings.  He fell out of love but never told me.  He stayed with me partly because he felt sorry for me!  He had the courage to finally disclose this to me recently.  Now let me just say that I am so appreciative to finally have an honest heart to heart conversation with him, but it still doesn't make it easy to hear that the person you loved was not with you out of love for you, instead they stayed with you because they had pity on you!  I had my suspicions that this was the case but none the less, it is still a hard truth to take.  An emotional punch to the gut, some one ripped your heart out of your chest and stomped on it a few times before returning it a bruised and broken mass.  The last two years of my life (in the relationship arena) have been a sham, nothing but deceit, dishonesty, lack of communication, lack of love, and full of someone who I though was acting out of love actually acting out of pity.

It hurts, cuts deep, makes me wonder when all of the loss that cancer brings with it will ever end.  Having cancer is a very lonely place.  I have a huge support group of friends and family out there and they, YOU, all have been my one constant in my life.  For that I thank you all from the very depths of my soul. As for my journey through cancer on a daily basis, I did it all alone.  I had no one to hold my hand when my body screamed from the toxic chemo cocktails injected in my veins.  No one to check on me when I woke up in the middle of the night vomiting my brains out.  No one to hold me and tell me that it would all be ok when I was so afraid of what was ahead.  Instead I put on a smile as best I could, tried to make it work, and hoped to god, the universe, pink unicorns, whoever/whatever that my beloved and I could make it through this and come out better on the other end.

I still love him.  I love the way we were, the luckiness and thankfulness we shared with each other in the beginning. I miss the planning and daydreaming of all the things we wanted to do together.  I miss the sweet, loving kind man I fell in love with.  This is what I will hold on to and will keep close to my heart.  Not the bitterness, lies, cheating, and pity.  We all have ways of dealing with, or not dealing with cancer.  Surviving cancer has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  I found a way.  I love my life! I love my lifestyle! I love who I have become from all of this! I love ME!  True, it hurts now but I can also see that it will lead to a blossoming of character and spirit and new growth, so fitting for spring.

Hopefully this will be the last of the hurt for a while.  Time to devote to myself and helping others.  Time to heal from all of the trauma and deceit.  Time to forge a new path into a bright new future filled with love, joy, compassion, admiration, and gratitude for every moment of every day.  A time for wholeness, or Sowelu a rune that was tattooed on my body so very long ago that constantly reminds me that we are all a part of a greater whole.


And just for the record,

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!

New lease on life!

I went to see my oncologist yesterday with my mom in tow.  We were both trying to contain our excitement at the seemingly awesome pictures of the last PET scan that I had done on Monday.  We thought it looked really good but then again, we didn't want to put the cart before the horse.

My oncologist was "very pleased" with my scan results, which is saying a lot for him as he tends to be very understated most of the time.  I am sure that his profession requires a certain amount of detachment from becoming emotional over patients test results.  It appears that I am indeed CANCER FREE!


I still have dead tumors in my liver (they are continually shrinking) but there are no LIVING TUMOR CELLS left in there or in the rest of my body!  Needless to say my mother and I were both sporting perma-grins for the entire day after that.

It is like a new lease on life!

All of my hard work has paid off and in LESS THAN TWO YEARS FROM MY ORIGINAL DIAGNOSIS!


Two years ago on March 24, 2010 I had a very grim prognosis.

Two years ago my world spun out of control.

Two years ago I decided to take control back of every possible thing I could control.

I radically changed my diet, it was do or die and I was not going to be complacent about accepting what the statistics told me.  I was told I was inoperable and incurable and that I did not have much time left on this earth.  I was not a candidate for liver transplant, living or deceased as the cancer had metastasized from my bile duct into my liver and they were afraid that it would be a waste of an organ to give me a transplant as it could potentially have spread to other places that they were unaware of.  I took this to mean that I would have to do this all by myself, cure myself from the inside, as in INcurable.


I want to share my story far and wide!   I want everyone out there to know that it can be done!  I have scoured the internet for others who have cured themselves from extensive, aggressive, incurable, cholangiocarcinoma and I have found none.  Why is that?  I have found others that have cured themselves from other types of cancer but not CC.

It wasn't easy.  Over 40 chemotherapy treatments and in between all those treatments nutritional IV's to help me negate the nasty side effects of chemo.  So many drugs, handfuls of oxycodone daily, rashes, early menopause, hair loss, mood swings, constant itching and ringing in the ears, my brain turning to mush, loss of weight and with it all muscle tone in my body.  The list goes on and on and I still struggle with many side effects today.

If you are living with a cancer diagnosis you don't have to just accept everything your doctors say.  They are only human and as all humans they make mistakes.  They see so many patients every single day, too many to be able to fully devote their time to you and your healing.  Please, I beg you, take your control back! Become informed and educated about every little thing you can to to help yourself.  You may not believe in some of the "woo-woo" stuff like the healing power of crystals or foot detox baths or that acupuncture or acutonics can actually heal you but tell me, what do you really have to lose by trying it?  Drugs are not always the answer.  I do feel that drugs had a place in my healing process, but I also feel very strongly that it is all of the "other" stuff that I did that kept me strong enough to fight.  Who knows what "it" was that killed my cancer.  Perhaps it was the combination of everything.  I am not going to ask questions about it at this point, I am just going to revel in this moment and live in it being thankful for my new lease on life.  I still have some healing to do, and it is still a long road ahead of me to fully recover but this girl is not complaining one tiny bit!

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!

Scan Results Day!

PET scan from 2010

I had my 3rd PET scan on Monday.  I did not have "scanitis" as much this time as I did for my previous CT scans.  Something about PET scans makes them more meaningful to me than the CT scans do.  Perhaps it is because of the 3 PET scans I have had only one of them was not so great (the first one that showed all of the tumors in my liver).  Here is a picture of the first PET scan I had done back in March of 2010, shortly after I was diagnosed with CC.  You can clearly see the giant lump protruding from my abdomen.  It is even pushing my stomach out because it is so massive.  This is where I was told that I most likely only had anywhere from 5 months to a year to live.

Scan #2 from August 2011

The second PET scan was quite a bit different looking from this one.  This scan was from August 2011, 17 months after my diagnosis.  This is the scan where the radiological oncologist was astounded that in just 17 months I was able to somehow get rid of the cancer that others predicted I was most likely destined to die from.  This is the scan that blew us all away as there were still masses of tumors in my liver but all of them were "dead" or no longer cellularly active.  You can see that the giant mass of tumors in my abdomen is no longer there.

Scan from March 2012

THIS is the scan from this recent Monday.  This scan was performed at another place.  Normally I got my PET scans done at the Good Samaritan hospital in downtown Portland.  This time the scan was performed at my cancer clinic.  I am not sure if this is why the scan looks so different, or if it just looks so different because things are just that much better, but I am going to take it at face value.  In comparison to the other two scans this one looks AMAZING to me!  To me this scan looks like "Um...where is the cancer?"  To me this scan looks about a zillion times better than the other ones.  If they thought the last scan looked good then it seems like they will think that this scan looks amazing.  To me this scan looks like nothing short of a miracle!  But, then again, I am no oncologist nor am I a radiologist.  I have an appointment this afternoon with my oncologist to discuss the "official" results.  Who knows, perhaps I am missing something.  I am trying to not count my eggs before they hatch or put the cart before the horse but I am hoping to expect some good news today.

I visited my naturopath yesterday and got my nutritional IV.  I also had an appointment with the doc.  I had some blood work done last month to check to see if I had candida and we discussed the results of that blood work.  It appears that I do indeed have a full blown case of candida caused and/or exacerbated by the chemotherapy and other drugs used during my treatment.  Quite honestly I am very certain that I have actually had candida for at least the last 15 years and that is possibly what led to, or proliferated my cancer in the first place.  The doctor told me that he has most likely seen higher numbers come back for this test but in his clinical memory he could not remember when.  Anything over a 1 means that you most certainly have a candida overgrowth in your body and my numbers came back at a whopping 3.8!  Candida overgrowth actually weakens your entire immune system and leaves you vulnerable to other illnesses and diseases (such as cancer, rheumatiod arthritis, crohn's disease, IBS, fibromylagia, and tons of other things).  I have been at my doctors office on average of two times every months since about 1998 complaining of the same symptoms (bloating, gas, abdominal pain, mucus in stool, heartburn, acid reflux, constant stomach gurgling) and in all that time no one has ever mentioned the word candida to me.  Instead they would write it off as IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and give me some pill or  another and tell me to come back if it felt worse!  Later the doctors actually told me that IBS is the category that they lump all digestive disorders into when they actually have no idea what is wrong with you! Can you believe that?!  So if you have been told that you have IBS, I highly recommend that you confront your doctor and ask for a simple blood test to see if you actually have an overgrowth of candida albicans instead.

Once again I must change my diet.  Oh well, I am a seasoned pro by now.  No sugar, no bread, no gluten, no beans, no seeds, no oatmeal, no corn, no soy, no rice (the only grains I can eat are quinoa, millet, barley and kamut), no anything that has been processed or manufactured.  In simple terms I am supposed to eat like a "hunter and gatherer" meaning if you can't find it out there normally in nature then don't eat it.  Pretty simple.  It is a shame that I just went grocery shopping yesterday and some of the things I purchased are going to be sitting in my freezer for a while until I can get this situation cleared up.  I am told that if I am strict with my diet it should only take about a month or so.  There are natural ways to rid your body of candida, for instance coconut oil, garlic, and cinnamon are known to kill it.  My naturopath has given me a 30 day supply of highly concentrated garlic and cinnamon that I take every day.  I am also supposed to eat as much coconut oil as I can, "put it in everything" he told me.  Lucky for me a friend of mine gave me a giant tub of coconut oil recently.  Another friend of mine also gave me a great book all about candida and the proper diet to follow to rid yourself of this condition.  It is a great book and it even has recipes so you can make great food that does not promote the growth of candida.  The book is called The Body Ecology Diet by Donna Gates and it is a must read!  It even has a questionnaire to see if you have the symptoms of candida.

I am finding out that having cancer is not just about trying to kill the cancer and become cancer free.  It brings with it an entire entourage of other complications.  If or when someone who is given a cancer diagnosis is able to get rid of the cancer beast people sometimes think that the world just goes back to a state of normalcy for the cancer survivor/patient, like now everything is all over and they can just resume their lives again but this could not be farther from the truth.  Cancer brings with it many things, not all of them always bad, but most of the time it brings other complications as well.  I am finding this out now.  I knew that this was not going to be a stroll through the park by any stretch of the imagination.  One (of many) positive things that cancer has taught me is that we all (even those of us out there without a cancer diagnosis) must be aware of what we put in our mouths.  Our society makes this hard for us.  Giant agriculture tells us that their products are "healthy" and we believe them.  We are completely bombarded by over processed foods that literally all contain some sort of derivative of corn and/or soy.  In small amounts and eaten infrequently these often do not pose a problem for our bodies.  But since they are in nearly every food we eat (unless we are eating mostly only fruits and veggies with 20% or less of our diet being animal products) our bodies are being over run by these yeast producing foods which weaken our immune system and create an environment for disease to flourish.

Pay attention to your body.  Listen to what it is telling you.  Make a conscious effort to really understand the way your body feels after eating certain foods.  If you listen it will speak to you.

Peace, love, light and many healthy blessings to you all!

Life's ups and downs

Getting in the sled.  Zoom, zoom!

Boyfriend and I went skiing on Sunday.  It was really warm up at Mt Hood Meadows, somewhere around 40 degrees.  They had just gotten pounded with snow recently and all of that powder was condensing and melting into what resembled giant piles of lumpy mashed potatoes with runnels everywhere due to the melt and freezing rain the day before.  Some runs were pretty crappy, but others were pretty glorious spring skiing on corn snow.  We had already made 4 runs when we noticed that the ski patrol just opened up a run in Heather Canyon, the "sidecountry" of Meadows.  We raced over there and were some of the first people through the gate.  It was glorious! Steep with a few inches of soft corn snow covering the pristine untracked hillside.  We quickly made our way down the first pitch hooting and smiling all they way at our good fortune.  As we approached the runout at the bottom of the slope the snow got stickier and lumpier.  Boyfriend is always ahead of me and stops to wait and watch me come down the hill.  This time was no different.  I noticed him waiting for me at the top of a little knoll and once he saw I was having no trouble he continued on.  I was slightly disappointed as I was looking forward to a little breather as the thick snow made quite a workout for me.  I decided not to take a little break to catch my breath and rest my legs and pushed on wanting to catch up with him.  Then it happened.  As I made my turn my left ski tip plunged into a thick sticky lump of snow and since I was leaning a little too far forward my ski tip sank straight down all the way to the tip of my boot.  The rest of my body, being already in motion, continued to fly forward in a contorted pretzel with all of my weight and momentum being concentrated on that one left leg.  I cried out in pain as I felt all kinds of things go wrong in my lower leg and ankle.  My skis did not release this time as the fall was slow comparatively speaking to other falls I have taken.  I was stuck, head facing down the hill lying on my stomach with my legs twisted unnaturally underneath me.  I tried to push myself to a more natural position and pain seared through my left ankle and lower leg.  My first thought was that I had fractured or broken my femur, bad news.  Then I thought that perhaps my achilles had been completely torn from its anchor under my heel, again, bad news.  As I tried to push myself up, my arms would punch through the soft snow and I would fall back onto the injured leg again crying out from the pain.  I heard boyfriend call my name, "HELP!" I yelled in a feeble voice.  I shouted louder again "HELP!".  I finally righted myself and released my boots from my skis.  Assessing the situation the best I could I deducted that I hadn't seriously broken any bones.  I was afraid to take my boot off for fear of what I would find there.  People stopped to see if I was ok.  I directed them to boyfriend so they could relay the message that I needed help and asked them to notify the  lift op that I needed ski patrol.  Ski patrol was there within 5 minutes examining me and asking me if I thought I needed a sled just as boyfriend came hiking up over the hill with a worried expression on his face.  I was going to try to be tough and ski on out but as I tried to put pressure on the injured leg I knew I would be riding out in the sled.  If you have ever had a ride in a ski patrol sled you know that as you make your way down the hill you get all kinds of curious and sympathetic looks from those out there who are contently shushing down the hill thanking their lucky stars that it is not them in the sled on the way to first aid.  The patroller, Stan, who was pulling my sled was a rock star!  We blazed down the steep hill passing other skiers and boarders along the way including boyfriend.  As the sled bounced past him at mach speed he said that I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face! I believe it! The sled ride was actually a lot of fun believe it or not!

Das Boot!

Later, after a few hours in the clinic and lots of ice and x-rays, the doctor determined that I did not have any fractures in my bones.  Good news! What I did do was sprain my ankle and tear my achilles tendon (OUCH!) that was where the majority of the pain was coming from.  I went to the clinic yesterday and got styled up with some crutches and a giant immobilization boot that actually feels really good due to the compression around my ankle.  I call it "Das Boot".  Since then I have been resting, icing, and elevating and I must say that it seems to be feeling somewhat better today.  Here is the bummer of the whole deal.  I am supposed to be moving in the next week.  WHAT?! That's right, packing, loading and unloading boxes and furniture.  All of my friends that can help work during the day and boyfriend will be gone to Chicago as of this Friday.  I am staying positive though and looking at this as the universe telling me that I needed to hire some movers.  I am hoping that I can scrape together enough money to be able to do just that, otherwise the moving thing will be extremely difficult at best.

It is strange how things happen sometimes.  I focused on getting out of this crappy government housing that I am currently in for months now, pretty much ever since the day I moved in.  It is so unhealthy here.  I focused on finding a healthy, affordable place to live and even got a much coveted section 8 voucher to help me out.  I found an awesome place that is only 1.5 miles from my current apartment.  I got accepted and submitted my deposit.  I started packing already as I expect to move within the next 7 days.  Then I got injured to the point where I can't walk without crutches making moving impossible.  So what do I do?  I could be angry and depressed about how life seems to be so unfair all of the time.  I could be bitter about how every time I seem to catch a break something happens to ruin it all.  I could do and feel these things but I don't.  I actually feel pretty damn lucky.  Lucky that I have no serious injury.  Lucky that even though I have stage IV cancer I am well enough to go skiing in the first place.  Lucky that even though I have been skiing and snowboarding since 1989 this was my first real injury and the first time I have ever needed the assistance of ski patrol.  Now I am going to focus on how lucky I am that I will be able to have movers do all of the hard work for me.

Sometimes life gives you ups, sometimes it gives you downs.  You can't have one without the other. How do you handle those? Do they make you grateful or bitter?

Cholangiocarcinoma awareness month comes to an end.

The month of February is Cholangiocarcinoma Awareness Month and fittingly it is ending with today also being Rare Disease Awareness Day.  Being a rare disease cholangiocarcinoma has a 5 year survival rate of only 30% and only 20% of cholangiocarcinoma is found at an early stage.  If it has spread from the bile duct (cholangiocarcinoma originates in the bile duct) then the 5 year survival rate decreases dramatically if the cancer has spread outside of the bile duct and into the liver, other organs, or other parts of the body (as mine has).

Here is everything you ever wanted to know (or not know) about cholangiocarcinoma, and if you haven't found them yet I recommend checking out the site Cholangiocarcinoma.org, but please remember that some of the information found here can be depressing at best, so it is advisable to take this page with a grain of salt and remember that YOU make your own statistics.

On March 12 I return to the clinic for my 3rd PET scan since diagnosis day.  This is what the first scan looked like a short time after I was diagnosed.

You can see the giant black mass in my abdomen actually protruding out.  There were so many active tumors that the contrast did not even reveal my heart or kidneys (places where cells are very active).  You can even see how the gigantic tumor mass in my liver is pushing my stomach out, this was because at that time you could literally feel the mass and my tummy looked like there was definitely something wrong.

My liver function values were through the roof at about 280.  Everyone looked at me and said that they did not know how my liver was actually still functioning (normal values are in the low 100's).  I was a walking anomaly.  I even had one doctor tell me "You know you better get straight with god because you don't have long to live".  I fired him.

This was the PET scan I had done last August.  My second one since diagnosis.  You can easily see the difference in the two.  Now the tumors are (according to the report) no longer active and there is plenty of contrast left so that my heart, bladder, and other glands are clearly visible.  This was the report that actually said "complete remission from disease".
The gigantic black mass in my liver area is pretty much non-existant in this picture isn't it? I am also a lot skinnier, but chemo will do that to you.

This is the scan that the doctors couldn't believe (and still don't).  I got asked my one very interested oncologist "How did you do it? No one has ever just gotten rid of severe and extensive cholangiocarcinoma in only 17 months before!"

Like I have said before, you make your own statistics! If I had listened to the grim prognosis of the doctors then I might have just given up, I might not have fought as hard.  I might have just accepted that I could be dead in months.  I, instead, used this as motivation.  I fed on it.  I knew that I just had to find every single way I could attack this cancer on my own through my diet and lifestyle.  I literally did everything I could afford or find.  I got acutonics, massages, acupuncture, nutritional IV's, read all kinds of books about how to eat, think, meditate, and stay grounded.  I took endless supplements to support my body while going through nearly 2 years and over 40 chemotherapy treatments.  In short I wanted to control everything I possibly could especially since everything seemed so out of control.  I felt that somehow I had gotten myself into this pickle and I was the one who had the best chance of getting myself out of it. It was my goal to prove them all wrong.

For many years I have had an interest in plants and natural medicine.  I used to say that "for every disease out there in the world, there is a plant that can cure it".  Those words I spoke so long ago rung in my ears after my diagnosis.  I knew that it was time for me to walk my talk.  The first words out of my mouth after the doctor told me I had cancer were "tell me everything, I need to know every angle to fight this from".  Little did I know just how profound this was.  Knowledge is power! With knowledge we can make better decisions not only about our treatments (which is vitally important to our health) but also about our own responsibility to our bodies, especially when/if they are compromised.  Better yet, our knowledge can literally help prevent us from becoming sick in the first place.  I also completely understand we can't always do something about "bad genes" or exposures to chemicals in our air and water...but we can reduce the risks of bad health by taking steps to create a healthy environment.  Here are a few things I have learned in the last few years and I want to share them with you.



Read ingredient labels on your food!

One thing I have found is that I purchase less food that I have to "read".  I mostly eat organic produce (no ingredient labels there).  You know exactly what it is, what it is made of...no need for an ingredient list.  When I do purchase food that has "ingredients" I read the entire list making sure that I know what those ingredients are.  If I don't know what it is I don't purchase it, that simple.  I may come home and look it up to see what it is and then determine if I want to purchase it on my next trip to the market.  I used to be fooled by the labels declaring "all natural ingredients" or "made with natural ingredients" but upon closer inspection of the actual ingredients I found that there were some "natural" ingredients but that there were also lots of unnatural ones as well.  This is how they fool you.  It is just easier (and it is also a rule of thumb) to do your shopping around the perimeter of grocery stores.  The aisles are where all of the processed foods are and I tend to avoid those.  Other things to watch out for are labels that say "made with organic ingredients".  Yes they may have some organic ingredients in there but most of the time there are only a few organic ingredients with a bunch of non-organic ones.  Most all processed and packaged foods contain derivatives of corn and/or soy.  Most corn and soy are all GMO and we all know how bad those are.  Also nearly every food we eat has corn and/or soy in it.  These ingredients are not meant to be consumed at every meal.  They actually add to our poor health.  I challenge you to read your labels and see if you can go for just 3 days without eating any corn or soy products.  Remember to investigate the ingredients that you don't know.  Hint: Xanthan gum is a corn derivative.



Fight for a healthy environment!


Our national parks are little pockets of wilderness the way it used to be.  They are places of solitude, imagination, awe, inspiration, excitement, and a much simpler time.  They are your public lands.  They can only remain healthy with your support.  Please consider purchasing an annual park pass for your favorite park or an annual pass for all parks.  They are some of the best ever places to go to feel connected with nature, release stress, breathe in fresh air (even though that is being compromised by coal plants, mining and other activities) and just take a load off.  If we neglect our parks (yes we all pay for these) they will be lost forever, and that makes me very sad.

Arches National Park, Utah

Vote to end various forms of pollution, from shutting down coal fired power plants to banning plastic bags, to stopping fluoridation of public water supplies.  I know that you are only one person, but so is everyone else.  If all of us took steps to clean up our environment just think of the impact we could have!  Change is always initiated by the power of one!
As for you home, purchase some plants to clean you air.  Here are the top ten houseplants that can help keep your indoor air clean.  An air purifier is a must! Mine runs in my home 24-7 and it's benefits are very noticeable.  The air is much cleaner and it actually smells nice too!  I have one with a washable filter so that I don't have to toss old ones and purchase new ones.  I also use Himalayan Salt lamps around my home.  Not only are they pretty to look at, they also emit negative ions that help purify the air by removing dust, allergens, smoke, bacteria and a lot more! I keep one right beside my bed, and one in the living room.  The only time I ever turn them off is when I go to bed.  They work wonders!




Read the labels on your health care products!


I have said this so many times already but it is so important that I feel that it cannot be said enough.  Our skin is the largest organ of our body.  It soaks up everything we put on it, from lotions, to shampoos, to nail polish.  It only takes 28 seconds for our skin to absorb what we put on it.  After that it travels to our liver to be processed.  Is this making sense now?  The word "fragrance" alone has so many chemicals in it your head would spin.  I can't begin to count how many products I though were good (because I of course got fooled by the packaging touting "orgainc" ingredients) but once I read the labels I found many ingredients that I couldn't pronounce or I found them all to be decent except for that one word at the bottom of the list, "fragrance".  This is another place where you have to be diligent about your label reading and if in doubt, either toss it out or do not purchase it.  There is a great site called The Cosmetics Database by the Environmental Working Group, where you can go and look up a product or ingredient to see exactly how toxic it is and why as well as a rating on the safety of said product.  If you are looking for some really awesome place to get started on finding toxic free beauty products I recommend trying Ava Non-Toxic products.  She gets rave reviews about her stuff all the time!
I used to love painting my nails!  I had a very extensive collection of nail polish (my girlfriends will attest to this).  I loved getting mani's and pedi's.  I don't do that anymore though.  I do my own mani's and pedi's at home sans polish.  I know, I know, you are probably saying "there are less toxic polishes out there, they even sell them in the natural cosmetics aisle".  Here is my beef...Paint is paint.  There is no way that that can possibly be natural.  When we put paint on our nails guess what? It soaks into our blood.  And how do we get that paint off? With more chemicals, right?  Flip that bottle of polish over and read the label.  Are those ingredients natural?  I was walking by a nail salon the other day and felt that old feeling in me longing for my half an hour of pampering and cuticle trimming, sitting in that massaging chair while someone waits on me literally hand and foot.  Then I saw a young girl, no more than 10, emerge from fumes of the open door to the nail salon.  The little girl had her toes and fingers painted bright red.  She was very obviously pleased with her new nails.  I actually felt sick to my stomach right then and there.  I wondered that if this mother knew just how toxic that stuff was that she paid money to have put on her child, let alone sit in toxic fumes for at least half an hour.  I wondered if the day would ever come where she stopped to think about how something as seemingly innocent and harmless as nail polish could actually be contributing to hormone imbalance and potentially deadly chronic conditions in her or her child.  Please don't paint your nails.  Please?
Same thing goes for perms, most all hair dye, brazilian blowouts or any other hair straightening.  Not only does your skin soak all these chemicals in in 28 seconds, but just think about the fact that you are actually putting them on your head!


I realize that we cannot control everything in our worlds, but we can control more than most people think we can.  Remember, knowledge is power! It is time to take your power back, become an informed consumer and remember that you are a powerful,  powerful decision maker in your own health and wellbeing.  Wield that power responsibly and be educated about your choices!  This will not only create a better future for you, but for many generations to come.

As if cancer wasn't hard enough...

Anyone who is diagnosed with cancer has it hard.  There are so many things that used to come so easily, and so many things that were taken for granted that are now things that a cancer patient struggles with on a daily basis.  Before I found out I had cancer I thought the hardest things I would struggle with in my near future would be finishing my 2nd masters degree, finding an awesome job that I loved, paying my bills, and saving money for the future.  At the time I was also 2 years into struggling with my previous place of employment over a serious back injury that left me completely couch ridden for months on end.  I thought that was hard...hiring lawyers, court appearances, letters and meetings with the bureau of industrial insurance, trying to prove that I was injured and continually getting sent to shady washed up physicians whose job it was to prove me wrong.  Even though I could barely stand to brush my teeth or wash the dishes, even though I was in constant, agonizing pain, the independent medical examiners kept saying that I could definitely return to my old job of digging ditches, repairing water mains, and installing and replacing fire hydrants....yeah right.

Everything was starting to move forward...surgery was scheduled for mid April 2010, I was ready to start feeling better, had my intake forms all filled out and was ready to roll, or so I thought.

WHAM!!! Guess what? You've got cancer.  A really bad cancer that people usually do not live long from because once they find this cancer it has already progressed extensively in your body.  I cancelled my surgery per oncologist's orders and prepared for a barrage of tests, biopsies, port placement, PET scans, CT scans, endoscopies, colonoscopies, mammograms, any orifice that could be poked or prodded or scanned was thoroughly checked.  As a result I completely detached from my body, almost like my head and mind were a complete separate entity from the rest of my physical self.  My body was what they did things to.  I began to not even recognize myself in the mirror.  Honestly I did not even want to look at my body because every time I saw my reflection in the mirror I looked thinner and sicker.  I would sit and stare into my eyes (the only part of my body I wanted to see) to try to find something in those brown irises that I missed, some indicator that I was sick and had cancer.  I analyzed every little speck and variance in the colors wondering why they did not tell me sooner or why I had failed to see it before it got out of hand.  Nothing....just myself staring back at me, eyes filled with guilt about how I could have possibly let it get this far.

In the following months, while I was waiting to be approved for state health insurance, I was bombarded by phone calls from clinics, hospitals, and collection agencies wanting to know when they would be getting paid the tens of thousands of dollars I had racked up in various labs, scans and tests.  I even had hospitals (The University of Washington) calling me wanting money for an appointment that I had cancelled two whole weeks before the date of my appointment. They wanted over $200 for services that never even took place!  Talk about scammers!  I told them I would be dead before they ever got money from me.  They have not contacted me again.

Once I completed my graduate studies the time came for student loan repayment.  Again, letters, phone calls, etc.  Luckily most of my loans were through the federal government and are in the process of being forgiven for permanent and total disability.  Unfortunately, I had foolishly taken out a private loan that I had to get my father to cosign for.  Now I am battling AES and Citizens bank trying to figure out how in the world cancer girl here is going to be able to pay off 22K.  It sucks that because of my bad judgement my retired father is going to be held responsible for this debt.  I have no idea how this one is going to work out yet.  I am pretty certain that he is not too happy about it.  Luckily my grace period is extended until July buying me a little more time to try to come up with a plan.

I received chemotherapy treatments for over 20 months.  I calculated that I have gotten chemo at least 40 times.  The toxic cocktail was gemzar and cisplatin, drugs that were shown in studies to have the largest effect on cholangiocarcinoma.  These come with all kinds of physical side effects:

-damage to veins
-damage to kidneys
-neuropathy
-hair loss
-nausea
-fatigue
-chemo brain
-sleeplessness
-aching in bones and joints
-constant itchiness
-vision problems
-mouth/gum problems
-rashes
-thinning of skin
-horrible fatigue
-metal mouth/dry mouth
-low blood counts
-vomiting
-dizziness
-weakness
-shortness of breath
-tinnitus
-burning/numbness/tingling of the hands, arms, legs and feet
-confusion
-hearing problems
-loss of taste
-headache
-bruising
-mental or mood changes

I experienced all of these side effects.  I am actually still struggling with some of them (the highlighted ones) which brings me to my next point.

It is often overlooked and discounted that people have mental issues, mood swings, and unstable emotions when they hear that they have cancer, and exacerbated by the toxic chemo cocktails coursing through their veins literally eating away healthy cells in their bodies and in their brain.

Trying to deal with a cancer diagnosis emotionally is damn hard, toss in some toxic chemicals and it becomes exponentially harder.  I found myself crying at the drop of a hat.  The little bumps in the road became Mt Everest for me, impossible to get past.  I found myself angry at strangers as I watched them drink their healthy livers away in the bars that my boyfriend liked to frequent.  I was angry that I had a next to impossible time finding any restaurants that I wanted to eat at, as they all seemed extremely unhealthy to me (fried food, butter, cheese, milk, sugar) and I wanted to know exactly what I was putting into my mouth.  Food and what went into and onto my body became the only way I had any control over what was going on in my world and I damn sure wanted to have some control.

In September some members of boyfriends family moved in with us.  Two adults a two year old and a 3 month old who just moved from another state and had very little money, boyfriend wanted to help as much as he could of course, family is family.  With the new house guests came a new set of problems and I soon found out that one of our new house guests had a severe drinking problem.  This was the last thing I (with liver cancer) needed to have to deal with.  Boyfriend was in school or studying or unwinding at the bar most of the time and since I was constantly home fatigued from chemotherapy, I was the person who got to deal with most of it (screaming 2 year olds with stompy feet and crying babies).  Needless to say this situation created quite a rift between everyone.  That was about as dysfunctional as it gets.  Anyone who knows me well at all knows that I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when it involves unfairness and injustice especially when I am forced to be a part of it.  Ultimately house guests ended up moving out and returning to their previous home.  Boyfriend was angry with me for "not handling the situation well" and didn't know if he could be with someone who didn't get along with his family.  To this day I still can't figure out how anyone with any ethics at all could think it was a good idea to move in with a cancer patient undergoing chemotherapy unless they were there to help that person.  The rift grows even larger...

In the year and a half following my diagnosis I did pretty well holding it together in spite of the difficulties.  My boyfriend confided to me (after much asking "what's wrong" on my part) that he did not find me attractive any more because I was so very thin from my treatments.  We began having serious issues communicating with each other.  Perhaps it was from his fear of losing me that caused him to become distant and non-communicative.  Maybe it was my mood swings or maybe it was because in his eyes I was not quite as perfect as he once thought pre-cancer.  Maybe we just grew apart for other reasons.  Money was also becoming a huge issue for us.  I had spent all of my savings on my naturopath and started receiving government disability assistance, not nearly enough to pay the bills.  My only choice was to move out and seek government housing.  I asked him if this is what it was really coming down to as we couldn't agree on a way to make it work and his reply was "If that is what you want to do".  This literally broke my heart.  I felt (and still feel) completely abandoned by him.  Granted I know that he has a mortgage to pay and bills of his own, but aren't two people who are in love supposed to try to find a way to make it work together?  He now has a roommate who gives him the money I cant.  We hardly ever see each other anymore.  We usually correspond via text message.  I don't even remember the last time he told me he loved me or showed affection.  I guess I am silly for wanting to make things work out and for continuing to hold onto the tattered scraps of what was once a truly awesome relationship where we told each other every day how lucky we were to have found the other.  Maybe neither one of us wants to let go, after all we have been through so much together one would think that all of that adversity would have made us stronger and that cancer would have made each day just that much more precious.

So here I sit, 39 days from my two year "cancer-versary" in a shitty government housing (with other "disabled" people who most likely did too much crack or meth) that smells like cigarette smoke, unchanged old man diapers, and greasy food while garbage trucks "beep! beep! beep!" incessantly at all hours of day and night outside my window that I always leave open for the fresh air wondering how in the hell it ever got to this point.

Most days I am able to distract myself from all of the less than desirable things going on in my life.  I am usually pretty good about finding that "silver lining" in even the worst cases.  I am a glass half full kind of person, usually eager to smile and be a dork.  I still am.  I am just extremely frustrated that there is just always some new bag of shit at my doorstep that I need to deal with.  I am convinced that there is a lesson in all of this that I have not learned yet and that is why I keep not being able to find the bottom yet, get my feet back underneath me and climb the hell out of this gigantic hole I seem to have gotten myself into.

It is times like these that I constantly remind myself of my own advice and give myself an attitude adjustment.  After all, people are dying all of the time from cancer...what to I have to complain about?

My advice to myself:

What you focus on expands.









CANCER CAN SUCK IT!

CA19-9 tumor marker test

I got the phone call 2 days ago, the reminder call that I had an appointment with my oncologist today.  I had planned to go skiing but I hadn't been to the oncologist for nearly a month so I felt that it was important to go.

When I arrived I was told that the doc wasn't in today and I would only be getting a lab test done.  My appointment with the doc wasn't until next week.  Thinking it would be silly to get stabbed twice for blood draws I asked what all the hubub was about.  The receptionist then told me that I was scheduled for a CA19-9 tumor marker test today.  It is the first one of these tests I have ever had.  I have had another type of tumor marker test (AFP I think) but that was long ago.  I find it interesting that I am just now getting this test, but hey, I am glad I am getting it.

I have an appointment next week to see the doc and discuss the results of the test and to schedule a PET scan.  I was told by the nurses that I could call in tomorrow to get the results of the CA19-9 test if I wanted to.  You better believe I am!  I will keep you all posted.  I am certain that it will be good news! Focus, focus, focus! Good news!

Many healthy blessings to all!