Bittersweet News

If you are reading this, I hope it finds you happy, healthy and full of life!

Is anyone else out there having the most challenging year ever?  I remember reading my horoscope at the beginning of the year and they all said how awesome this year was going to be for me and how it was going to be the year I had been waiting forever for.  Hmmm...maybe I'm missing something.  Not that it is a bad year.  Anytime you are alive and functioning it is a good, good day.  I guess that it has just been unusually challenging for me pretty much ever since that fateful scan I got way back in January that said "knock knock, cancer's back to play".  I have learned many lessons this year and am still on my learning journey.  I have always thought that when the time comes that you have no lessons left to learn and no more contributions to give, you move on to whatever is next.  Looks like I might be around for a while cause I still have many lessons to learn :)

So I had a CT scan last week.  Got the results on Friday.  It wasn't bad news but it wasn't spectacular news either.  It was good and I am definitely fine with good.  It appears that the margins on some of the tumors (there are too many to count once again all kind of running together here and there) are getting fuzzier and not as distinct.  This is a good thing, it means that the cancer (tumors) is dying or at least not as active as it was 3 months ago.  None of them had shrunk enough to really mention in the scan reports and the cluster in my nodes near my hepatic artery and the rest of the super highway of arteries that I have in there (I am one out of 10,000 born with my liver being supplied with blood by different arteries than most other people) are still there being inflamed and causing pressure and general discomfort.  My oncologist said he was happy with the results of the scan as did my ND.  I am happy about it too.  I didn't really expect that everything would be drastically different in a mere 3 months.  Also, it is important to remember that a CT scan only shows masses and not metabolic activity of the cancer.  So it is a good scan to get a general idea of what is going on and to measure the growth or shrinkage of tumors, but not such a great scan to see if the tumors are actually living or not.  The PET is better for that purpose  I still have a lot of dead tumor material in my liver and it still shows up on the CT but not the PET.

Even though I am very happy about the news that I am no worse off than I was three months ago, that the tumors aren't any bigger, and that some of the margins are fuzzier, I still can't help but feeling a little disappointed.  It's really hitting home lately (pretty much ever since I almost died from radiation) that I am now living in what the statistics say are the 2% chance to live 5 years.  BUT you and I also know that I make my own statistics and I don't fit neatly into those boxes.  It still weighs heavy...

All this Vitamin C is really kicking some booty though.  Compared to this point in my last chemo back in 2010 there is a stark difference in my appearance and my overall health.  I still have hair that isn't falling out.  I don't have huge rashes on my face that burn and itch.  My chemo brain is not nearly as bad as it was last time.  I don't get sick/drive the porcelain bus three or four times a day, unless I miss too many vitamin C IV's then its all bets off.  I will let you decide.  Here are two pictures of me.  One from 2010 after 3 months of chemo, and a recent one.  Big difference huh?!  It is because of your support and generosity that I am able to get these vitamin C IV's.  Thank You!!!!!

2013

2010

A friend of mine nominated me to be on the Ellen show!  She is looking for an "inspiring person in need" and my friend thought of me :) Pretty awesome!!  If you would like to nominate me as well please feel free to do so,  of course that is if I inspire you :)  Here is the link to the nominate an inspiring person in need page.  You can find my mailing address and my email address at the top right of my blog and my age is 41 (for a couple more weeks).   I would love to have the opportunity to reach so many people and give them hope, especially those who are living with cholangiocarcinoma.

I spoke to my ND about my scan and how to proceed with the Vitamin C IV's and as great as those C's have been for me I am not going to be able to get many more.  There is enough left in my account for about a month of IV's.  I am supposed to get three every week.  I have dropped it down to two a week. Doc P wasn't too happy about that.  He says three a week are the protocol and that is what he suggests. I'm just not going to spend my energy worrying about that if I can help it.  I am going to get them until the $ runs out then figure it out then.  I know that every time I get one of those IV's it is prolonging my life.  It really irritates me that insurance wont cover something so obviously good but that is another thing that I'm not going to spend any energy on thinking about.

It's weird.  I have always loved food and eating good food.  Lately I just cant seem to gain weight though.  I waiver between 110-115lbs.  It probably has something to do with the chemo/steroids and lack of appetite AND the fact that most days I'm out of the house before breakfast.  On good days I can make and take lunch and breakfast with me to my IV's or chemo.  If I feel crappy the night before and have no energy then I usually live off ensure and whatever snacks I can toss into my lunch bag before I have to head out of the door.  Time and energy=no hunger.  I am sure that most of you can relate to that one.  Sometimes I sit and think about how awesome it would be to have a "normal" life.  You know, the one where you go to work every day and make plans for the weekend to go do something fun like hiking or skiing or camping.  One would think that I have all kinds of free time...Yeah, I wish.  I would love to have the energy to go for a hike.  I used to hike all the time all by myself.  I never wanted to  have to find someone to go with me just to be able to get outside.  I can't even count the miles I have hiked solo or how many times I have camped solo or skied solo.  My muscles are pretty much non existent these days.  Stamina is gone (except when I get the steroids) and walking up a flight of stairs makes me want to find a chair.  It is a little depressing especially since I am used to being so active.  I didn't even go climbing this year.  What a crime!  I get told a lot that if I do more I will have more energy to do more etc.  I first have to have the energy to do something before I can do more.  I try though.  Yoga is nice but I still tire quickly.  My energy levels are just about enough to get some light housework done a few times each week then it's snuggle with the kitty time.  I am beginning to feel that old familiar overwhelmed feeling creeping back again but it is more manageable this time since I am also not struggling with horrible relationship problems like last time and that is definitely something that I am thankful for.  There are still some days that I feel like going postal and freaking out on someone or multiple someones.  Luckily the only people who have had the unfortunate experience of seeing angry Laura are Comcast and they totally deserved it :)


Who loves the cooler weather?!
I love summer, spring, winter and fall :)  I get excited every time the seasons change.  Fall is probably my favorite though.  I love all the colors, the crisp air, and halloween.  The transition of seasons, schlepping off of old things, habits, patterns, and staleness is gratifying and cleansing.  It is fun to wear comfy warm clothes, read books, snuggle with the kitty, and drink tea as you listen to it rain outside.  I've been rearranging the closet; summer stuff in back, and winter stuff in front.  I've been stowing the sandals (sniff, sniff), bringing out the boots (yay!), and cleaning and making way for the new year, death and rebirth.


Here is link to click upon if you wish to donate to my clinic for my high dose Vitamin C IV treatment.
The Center for Traditional Medicine

You may also contact them at 503-636-2734 to donate directly into my account there via credit/debit.

Here is my Amazon Wish List  where I have listed my supplements and vitamins.


I hope that you all know I am forever grateful, humbled, inspired, and able to live longer due to your generosity and unwaviering support.  I think about how lucky I am to have such wonderful friends and family every single day.  YOU are the reason I am still here posting on this blog, and of course a good attitude never hurts either.

Chemo day is tomorrow and my lunch is already packed :)

Many healthy blessings to you all!


CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!

Catching up

Hello!

The past month has been an interesting one.  I got to spend some time with family and friends then there was the weekly grind of the combination of Vitamin C IV's and chemo 4 times a week for an average of 4 hours each.  I'm getting more used to it now though.  I'm just hoping that the skin over the place on my port that gets stabbed will hold up long enough to make it through all of this without tearing or deteriorating and thus needing some kind of surgery to graft skin or something....not thinking about it...

Vitamin C love!

Regardless of all the stabbing the Vitamin C is incredibly worth it!!  I ended up having to miss both my C IV's and my chemo last week due to a family health emergency.  My mom was sick with a sinus infection the prior week and ended up getting some antibiotics which didn't help and the sinus infection ended up turning into pneumonia.  She finally felt so bad that she asked if I could come up to Seattle and help take care of her.  We ended up at the ER at Swedish to which she was admitted overnight and at the doctors office twice.  It was the sickest I have ever seen her and she had me really worried.  After all she has done for me it was my turn to get to do something for her.  She has been running and working herself ragged (especially since the beginning of the year) to take care of me and it finally is catching up and taking a toll on her health. She gives so much and it made me feel so good to be able to do something to help her even if it was just for a week.  Thankfully she is doing much better now and as of yesterday even went back to work (half days right now) because it is hard work recovering from pneumonia...luckily I have never had to find out.

Anyway about the Vitamin C being worth it (got sidetracked).  Since I missed last week's IV's I started noticing that the side effects of the chemo started getting a bit worse; more nausea, some neuropathy, more ringing in ears, blurrier vision, less appetite, etc.  Interesting isn't it?  I can tell the difference for sure, the C is amazing stuff!  It's just a crying shame that insurance wont cover something so incredibly beneficial, but I'm not about to get started on that stuff.

OH! finally got the results of that Spectracell blood analysis back.  It shocked both my nauturopath and me to see that I am only slightly deficient in 3 things....B2, oleic acid, and D3  my immune response is above average and my ability to detox is in the normal range.  Even though I have cancer and even though I am getting chemotherapy my results were still this good! I just knew that vitamin C IV's were the way to go!  This test was representative of the past 6 months not just  snapshot in time.  Pretty cool test and even more impressive results.  They are all easy fixes too, gonna take a B2 supplement (folic acid) and drink a shot of olive oil every day (7800mg of oleic acid!), and increase my D3 &K2 spray to twice daily and Shazam! Not too bad huh?!

My CT scan is scheduled for Sept 25th with results on the 27th.  My oncologist still thinks that I am doing very well and for him to say that is pretty awesome in my book.  In about two weeks we will see just how much of a kick ass job this Vitamin C is doing and I can't wait to find out.  This is my plan to proceed:  If the scan looks good but there is still room for improvement I am going to try to get the C's for at least 2-3 more months depending on what my ND says.  If it looks the same (or worse) then I will figure it out then and try to go see a healing guru in another country :) yep.

The garden at dads is growing so fast and so abundantly that I have been too busy to get up there enough to harvest much of it.  I really wanted to get much more from the garden this summer but I also did not anticipate being in treatment 4 times a week either.  At least dad has a big freezer to store some veggies in for the winter.

Looks like another busy couple of weeks lined up but that is what keeps life interesting.  I am starting to get over the shaky stuff a bit more and with all of this extended summer weather (90's in Portland this next week!) I am going to try to make some time to get out for some late summer hiking up in the mountains.  That is one thing I didn't get enough of this year.  I can't believe I have only been camping one time! Dang!

Your generosity is FAR OUT!

I wanted to give a shout out to everyone out there who has been donating to my therapy and well being.  I literally could not be doing this well without your help.  You all have no idea just how much this helps and means to my health and I am in great gratitude every minute of every day and every time someone tells me that I am looking great I think of all of you and how it is because of your generosity (and some positive mental attitude) that they are saying these words to me.  Please don't ever think for one minute that I take any of it for granted and I am forever thankful.

Thank you!

If you would like to contribute, you may donate directly into my account at my clinic by contacting them at:
The Center for Traditional Medicine
503.636.2734

Or by PayPal at:
laura.york71@gmail.com

Or visit my Amazon wish list which includes supplements and vitamins etc. at:
http://amzn.com/w/3A2XN4O4FP6U1

Tremors, Gardens, Camping & Vitamin C

Things have been going pretty darn good lately thanks to all of you!!!

High C IV

The high dose vitamin C has been so extremely helpful! I have not had quite as severe side effects as I had during my last chemo back in 2010-11.  I have been no where near as forgetful (I still have my moments), have only gotten sick one time and have had much less nausea, have only had about four or five really bad days, my hair has been growing about an inch every month, and my skin is very healthy looking.  The friends and family who have seen me at this point in chemo back in 2010 and who have seen me recently can definitely tell a major difference.  Let's just say that I have no complaints at all, even though there are a few issues going on...

My hands have been so super shaky lately.  At first I though it was the thyroid pill my ND has me on so we adjusted it a few times and now I'm down to one pill cut in half twice daily.  We also took a break on the DCA and liquid tributyrate to make sure I am not deficient in my B vits (plus doc says its good to have a break from these from time to time, I am guessing to kind of "reset" your body).  So far this has not helped either but it may take a few days to see.  Next he is wanting me to get a nutritive push, similar to the nutritional IV's I used to get but concentrated (no saline) and "pushed" by hand with a huge syringe into my IV line (slowly of course).  I got one today and I smell like the vitamin store now, however I do feel much better, but still shaky hands.  He thinks I may be just needing more nutrients and since I get so much liquid pumped into my body 4 times a week that it is diluting what nutrients I do have.  It will take a few days to figure it all out but we are determined to get to the bottom of it.  It is kinda cramping my iPhoto skills.  Shaky hands make for blurry photos...boo!  The other thing it is doing is making it a pain in the ass to type and more of a pain in the ass to text.  Geez!  I'm a big texter (it's actually my main form of communication) and it has been super frustrating for me.  I do a lot with my phone too like check my email, entertain myself when I'm in an IV for 3-4 hours, etc and this shaky bit has been irritating to say the least.

My Hooties who keep my liver loved at night

I got to go camping the other day with some friends.  It. Was. Heaven!  I used to be that girl who went camping every single weekend and more often if I could manage it.  I was hiking, climbing, skiing, camping, or just doing recon for another trip or scoping out new places to go.  I haven't been camping since last July when my mom and I went opal digging at Juniper Ridge in Southern Oregon (awesome by the way!) so this was a treat for me!  I couldn't wait to retrieve my camping gear from my storage closet down the hall!  Before I got diagnosed, back when I had a job and money, I had enough foresight and determination to replace my aging and well loved tent, sleeping pad and backpack.  Oh man, it was like Christmas!  I had only used my new gear once or twice after I purchased it (cause my ex and I always used the Westy when we camped) and when I went to set it up I just kept gawking at it and at how cool it was.  My chemo brain had completely forgotten what it even looked like, and I was absolutely befuddled and astounded at all of the adjustments on my killer backpack.  Once everything was all set up I realized my tent matched my sleeping bag...hey, just cause you're camping "roughing it" doesn't mean you can't be fashionable too :)  I floated around on a lake near Mt Hood all day (with lots of sunscreen), had wonderful conversation with friends new and old, ate a ton of delicious food, sat by a campfire, and slept under the stars like a baby and didn't even wake up one single time all night long.  It was a good, good time.  I hope I feel well enough to get back out at least one more time before this nice weather is gone.

The view from inside my tent

My dad and I planted a HUGE garden together this year.  The only downfall is that I usually feel too tired/shaky/crappy to make the hour drive north to his house.  And I am in appointments 4 days every week so it also makes it difficult to come see me too...unless one wants to hang out in an IV for a few hours or so.  But the point is that we are getting tons of veggies out of it and it couldn't be more awesome!  I just wish I could spend more time actually in the garden.  I love weeding and tending to the plants and eating them right out of the garden, yum!

I've been sleeping a lot lately and I mean a LOT.  It has been feeling incredibly good too.   I have been fatigued but not in a completely incapacitated way like back when I had radiation.  I can at least be in the kitchen for a while now and do my own laundry, clean, take care of basics etc.  The fatigue I have is pretty consistent and severe but I can make it to my appointments by 9am (that's great for me) and if I set my mind to it, whatever it is, I can usually make it happen.  Sometimes it takes a while but it will eventually happen.  I have a huge mobile making project that is warranting my attention these days. I finally got things organized enough to feel like I have some room to be creative.  In other words I re-arranged my furniture again...see if I set my mind to it I can get it done :)  My kitty girl still thinks I'm crazy but it keeps it interesting for her and her indoor lifestyle.  I have lots of great ideas brewing for crafts too.  I am assuming that I will have more enthusiasm for those things once the days start getting shorter and less deliciously sunny and warm.

Just waiting to be turned into something cool

My next CT scan is scheduled for sometime in the middle of September.  At that point it will have been three months since I got the scan that showed cancer in lymphs, lung, pelvis as well as in my liver...this is where we will see just how much cancer booty we have assassinated.  My guess it that it will be spotless  or nearly so :)  Yep, this is what I am going to manifest!  Will you help me by sending my your good thoughts and sparkly ju-ju and let's manifest some spotless scans!  Woot! Woot!




Seriously though, the vitamin C IV's have proven to be astoundingly helpful with chemo side effects and doc says that it also makes the cancer more susceptible to the chemotherapy making it more effective.  Not only that I can literally see, smell, and feel the difference in my body as compared to last chemo in 2010.  It is amazing stuff and I just can't understand why our lame insurance wont cover such a simple thing that can do so much good!  The IV's are $175 each and I get three every week so in comparison to chemo it is cheap but when insurance does not cover it the expense turns into $2100/mo.  The only reason I am as healthy as I am right now is because of YOU!  Thank you so much for the vitamin C IV's!!  The donations you have made is what makes it possible for me to get these lifesavers and I want you all to know that I am forever in deepest gratitude for your generous and gracious gifts!  I feel the love every single day and am so thankful and lucky to be as healthy as I am and to have such wonderful friends and family like you all to give me strength and shine that light.  You all rock!!

at the CTM

My friend Tiffany has organized this fundraiser to help with vitamin C IV's.  Anything is most appreciated, even if it is only $1!  Every single little bit helps and is one more drop of golden goodness in my IV to keep me healthy and kick some cancer booty!
Here is the link :)

Or if you like you can contact my clinic directly at The Center for Traditional Medicine  503-636-2734 and they can add money to my account there with a debit/credit card or personal check.  The people there are quite lovely, if you call on a Mon/Wed/Fri then make sure to tell them to say "hello" to me since I will be in the IV suite :)

I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful summer and are all safe, happy, healthy and full of life!

Oh yeah,

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!

Life is good!

Hello out there!

I hope you all have been enjoying your summer and getting lots and lots of fresh air and fresh fruit and veggies.  Summers in the PNW are just about the best you can get really.  So many things to do and everyone is smiling.  I haven't really been able to get out to do too much but the things that I have done were all super fun.  I am hoping to get up in the mountains for a hike soon while this weather is still so beautiful and maybe even take a lil' dip in an alpine lake somewhere and watch the wind in the trees.

I have been getting accessed in my port four times each week (that's a lot) and it is getting a little sore there.  A little Arnica oil before bed and first thing in the morning (not to mention a LOT of Arnica gel on the weekends) has really been helping it to not be quite as sore and tender and I am thankful for that.  Sometimes just a simple hug can cause a lot of discomfort and as a result I have learned to hug accordingly. I have been doing chemotherapy again, I have two weeks on and one week off.  I am getting the same chemo (gemzar and cisplatin) and in the same dose as where I left off back in November of 2011.  So far it hasn't been too bad.  I definitely have no complaints.  I believe the Vitamin C IV's have been helping tremendously!  I have only driven the porcelain bus once and my hair actually has grown an inch in the last month (DANG!).  However, my blood counts are waaay low.  I pretty much don't even have platelets anymore and at last check a week ago my WBC and RBC (along with some other things) are nearly non-existant BUT I didn't have to get chemo this last week and I have been eating well so I am hoping that on next check this coming Thursday things will be looking better.  I have felt tremendously tired lately though.  Not that I feel bad or anything mostly just like I want to lay down and take a nap, and I usually do :)  There have only been one or two really bad days and only one or two nights that I have not been able to sleep one wink.  I have not had an abundance of energy either, just enough to get done what needs to get done and sometimes not quite even that much, but with the help of my friends, family and neighbors I have been getting by just fine.

I went to my dad's house to harvest garden bounty yesterday and wow!  I came home with two huge paper bags stuffed full of lacinato kale, a giant bag full of carrots and yellow squash, a huge bunch of basil, cucumbers, an onion, and green beans.  In another week or two we will be up to our eyeballs in all kinds of tomatoes, more beans, onions, leeks, peppers and squash.  It wont be a problem at all making dinner this week with all these awesome homegrown veggies!



Things have been pretty mellow.  I got to see a bestie that I haven't seen in a couple of years and we had a beautiful time and got to catch up too.  The sun has been shining, the birds have been singing, the flowers have been blooming and the stars twinkling in the night.  Life has been good and I have absolutely no complaints at all.

Never A Dull Moment

So I recently have been taking a little time off and really relaxing.  It has been really nice to unplug and get some time away from phones, email, social media, doctors, appointments, good news, bad news, no news, decisions, scans, daily life, etc... I got to spend some quality time relaxing with my best friend (my mom) and it was simply divine and oh so very needed by both of us after the crazy 6 months that have been 2013.
Now it is back to the grind, the assassination, the kicking of some cancer booty, time to roll up the sleeves and put my game face back on.

From the last CT scan back May,  it appeared that I had some cancer going rogue and building condos outside of Livertown, collectively they appeared to be about the size of an almond (we thought there were only two of them at this point).  Then my radiologist recommended that I get a PET scan to make sure of exactly what we were looking at and that way I could make a more informed decision about my choice of therapy.

So I recently got results back from the PET scan and the first sentence says "Significant progression of disease since July 2012..."  Not good.  My oncologist shows me the pictures and there are now a bunch (too many to count) of places outside of my liver mostly in nearby lymphs (one in a lung and one in my pelvis) where there showed PET avid activity (it took up the sugar rich contrast like cancer does) so this now leaves me feeling once again a bit more anxious about my path forward.

I have spoken at length with my oncologist and natural doctor and we have come up with a kick ass cancer assassinating plan!

Vitamin C Love

I am already taking such things as DCA and many other natural cancer fighting treatments and supplements and I will continue to get high dose vitamin C IV therapy.  I am going to sandwich my chemo treatments right in between two vitamin C IV's.  So still vitamin C three times a week  and chemo at least once a week (maybe more frequent to start I dunno yet).
I start round two of chemotherapy tomorrow at 9:30am.  The chemo will be the same as last time.  Mega dose to start with then as my body weakens the dose weakens.  They like to hit it hard at first.  My gramma is coming down to go with me, ya know, cause grandmothers are awesome like that!  The vitamin C is supposed to make the cancer more susceptible to chemotherapy and it is said to make the side effects up to 50% less severe! HELLS YES!! This is what I am going to manifest! Less side effects  NO side effects! Plus they will no doubt pump me full of steroids and other anti nausea drugs as well as cytotoxins and they seem to make it much more tolerable.  Sometimes drugs aren't so bad after all :)

Not exactly what I was envisioning, especially after such a tumultuous start to the year anyway, but hey...never a dull moment in the life of The Cancer Assassin!
Bring it on! I've done it once I can do it again, hell, I'm a pro and I am already ahead of the game now.
My goal right now is just to appreciate each and every single day, drink it all in and share the love!

Please spread the word and share this far and wide!

Thank you so much!

My friend has set up a donation account to help me cover medical expenses in this new phase of my treatment which is high dose Vitamin C IV's.  Any assistance at all is very much appreciated in deepest gratitude.

I am off to go get my PET scan.

Many Healthy Blessings to you ALL!!

Here is the link to the YOU CARING ONLINE FUNDRAISER

An update, a decision, and a plea

What a year its been!

It's been weird, emotional, exciting, crazy, adventurous, painful-really painful, scary, uncertain, ambiguous, frightening, love filled, family and friend filled, uncomfortable and downright draining at times.  I have bonded with my couch and my kitty and my digital converter (hey, almost free TV).  I have seen the inside of my eyelids more times than I care to count but only in the daytime and never in the middle of the night.  I have been radiated and medicated and sedated out of my mind.  I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 6 months.  I struggle to keep my weight above 110,  struggle with my appetite on a daily basis, and struggle with the energy to prepare meals even one time each day.

During the hardest times my thoughts have wandered into the darkest corners of my mind and I found myself thinking that I have nearly had enough.  Extended periods of pain and weakness from malnutrition made me wonder how I could even still be alive.  I often wondered how I could be in so much pain and not have passed out or passed away yet.  I came dangerously close to calling it quits and it scared my shitless!

On a much lighter note I have been feeling pretty fabulous (for me that means my pain is about a 5 out of 10) for the past three days.  I think it is because I have had more of an appetite and I have been eating more (more energy) for the last few days.  I have also been able to take my vitamins and supplements again three times a day which is a giant accomplishment for me!  I still struggle but at least I have more energy to prepare food which gives me even more energy for other things, like healing and kicking some cancer booty.

I think that a lot of people don't really understand just how hard these past months have been but I think that is partly my fault.  I try not to post too much about how shitty things are because quite frankly I choose not to focus on it myself.  When anyone asks me "how are you doing/feeling?" the first thing out of my mouth will be "I'm doing great!" if I feel pretty good, or "I'm doing good." if I feel crappy.  What I wont say is "I feel like shit and my this or that hurts and I'm hungry but I don't want to eat, and I feel like I'm going to puke on you, I haven't gone #2 in days and I feel like a bomb went off in my liver and someone stuffed rocks in it."
There is too much to be grateful for to spend my time and energy focusing on everything that is bad or wrong.  The way I see it is that I am alive and that is a good thing!  What you focus on expands and I am determined to focus on all that is good.  Just like I am focusing on this new stuff they found outside of my liver as being just some swelling cause hey, I've pretty much been nuked and it is definitely not unreasonable.  Yep, just swelling!

This is a good time to transition into the real reason I am writing this post.

After a much needed visit with my friend this weekend my perspective has been changed on my next step with regards to treatment.

After I found out that my high dose vitamin C IV's would cost $175 each my heart sank.  I thought that there was no way that this could ever happen (I still worry) because I am supposed to get three each week making that $525/week or $2100 each month.  SCARY!!!
I kept looking at this as a whole ball of wax type situation, all or nothing and got scared.  I really don't feel positively about the chemotherapy they want me to get again.  I have a very bad feeling about it actually as do many of my friends and family.  BUT my friend explained to me that I should approach this one step at a time and try to raise as much money as possible and get as many vitamin C IV's as I can with what I got.  In other words I was too focused on my outcome and not giving the process enough time to unfold or to trust in it.  So this is what I am doing... I am going to trust in the process and quit thinking about the future so much.  After all I have been taking it one day at a time anyway and why does this have to be any different?

Obviously this is something that I cannot do alone and once again I am asking for any help at all large or small it does not matter and is ALWAYS ACCEPTED WITH DEEP GRATITUDE.  If anyone would like to help out in covering the cost of my treatment please feel free to contact my doctors office directly.  They are more than happy to accept payment over the phone and the donation will be credited directly to my account there, just exactly where it needs to be.  Plus you will also be able to get a receipt :)

Here is their contact information:
The Center for Traditional Medicine
503-636-2734

Big BIG LOVE!!!

My time is not even close to being over on this earth.  I am just getting saddled up for round two.  I am more experienced at this game now and cancer doesn't even stand a chance this time.  Apparently it still hasn't figured out who it is trying to mess with yet :)

Never a dull moment in the life of The Cancer Assassin!

My mom came down to Portland on Friday for what we both thought would be a pretty uneventful visit with my oncologist to discuss the results of the CT scan I had done last Wednesday.  I knew that the left lobe of my liver looked pretty badly beaten up with battle scars from the last chemo onslaught and I also knew that there were new tumors in there too.  I expected that it would be pretty much the same as the scan I had done not even a month ago and that this was all just procedural so that we could begin the next radiation treatment within the coming weeks.  What I did not expect was bad news, but bad news is what we got.

6 miles in on Eagle Creek

Apparently my cancer has now metastasized into what they think to be some nearby lymph glands.  The trouble right now is my oncologist was really sketchy on saying exactly what this new mass was, although he kept insisting it was most likely a lymph gland.  This new mass is pushing on my IVC (inferior vena cava), my portal vein, my diaphragm, my spleen, my stomach and everything else in that vicinity making for some really uncomfortable times on occasion and on other occasions making for a trip to the medicine cabinet for morphine.

The CT report describes this new mass as a "low-attenuation lesion" which means that it is not solid enough so that light cannot pass through it...in other words the higher the attenuation the more solid the mass is, so I am going to milk that statement as good news.  At least it is not solid enough so that no light passes through...  The report also suggested that the new swollen mass could be a result of the compression of the tumors on my arteries and such...

Basically what it boils down to at this point is this:

I got bad and ambiguous news on a Friday afternoon leaving me to sit with my concerns, thoughts, worries, fears, and questions all weekend long.  No one really knows anything yet and my next step is to contact my radiologist and go over the scan and reports with him.  Radiologists are more accustomed to reading and looking at scan images so it was suggested to me that instead of going over my scan with my oncologist I should be going over it with a radiologist and that is exactly what I am going to do before I make any decisions.  I also have a call in to my Natural Doctor and will be speaking with him as well about my options.  Oncologist is recommending more chemo again.  I am not sold on that idea.  I know from experience that although chemo kills cancer cells it also kills lots and lots of healthy cells too not to mention the horrid side effects that come along with it.  I am talking quality of life here.  I think that this round I may just stick to natural medicine.

Tumors are not the problem here.  The tumors are the symptom of my cancer.  We can use chemotherapy OR we could use natural methods all day long killing tumors but until the real underlying problem that is causing the tumors to grow is fixed and the whole body is healed the tumors will just keep coming back.  It is time to get down to the nitty gritty again and be insanely vigilant and healthy.  It may just be time for something drastic.  I KNOW that it is time for a vacation.

This new mass appeared in the short time of one month! This is scary to me!  How much time do I have to peruse the choices of this new decision I must make?

A friend asked me this weekend "What am I going to do?"  My reply was "I really don't have any choices."  The only thing my insurance will cover is more chemotherapy.  It wont cover any natural therapies like high dose vitamin C therapy which is natural chemotherapy and doesn't have any negative side effects and kills cancer every bit as well as chemo does.  My only choices are a) get chemotherapy or b) do nothing.  I simply cannot afford to pay for natural therapies, they are not cheap. But I don't want to get more chemo and live the rest of my days being so sick from treatment I cannot enjoy my life.

I just wished that I would fall asleep last night and wake up to realize it was only a dream or that maybe it would just vanish as mysteriously and quickly as it appeared.  I wonder that if I stuck my head so far in the sand all this cancer crap would just disappear, you know "out of sight, out of mind".  I don't want to sit and worry about it all so I have been trying not to think about it.  What is the use in getting all worked up over something that I really don't even have all of the information about just yet.  It wont do any good and will just stress me out.

It's crunch time.