One year ago I was in a world of hurt. It is now 8:18am as I type and at this moment one year ago I was hearing the words "YOU HAVE CANCER".
My world completely stopped. I looked at my doc who had a horrified look on her face. She was the exact same age as me and had never had to deliver that information to anyone in her career yet. She almost could not even look at me she felt so bad, so then I looked to Jeff. He was staring straight ahead, afraid to make eye contact with me as well. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds but it felt like an eternity to me. Breaking the silence and shock I said "OK, tell me EVERYTHING I need to know." I wanted to get started on fixing things right away.
Snow camping at White Pass
This did not mean I was not worried and scared and honestly I was angry and ashamed too. "Why me?", "This is not fair!", "But I exercise and eat well..." (or so I thought)...I also felt ashamed...like my body betrayed me, like I had something ugly inside of me and I somehow deserved this certain death sentence that had been handed to me.
NOT ANY MORE! HELL NO!
It is exactly one year since my diagnosis. I have changed my life in so many ways. One year ago my priorities became crystal clear to me. How many people can say that? I KNOW now what is important in this life. So, in a twisted and weird way, cancer was a blessing.
Since then I have been through 31 rounds of chemotherapy and at least 80-90 nutritional IV's, there is still no end in sight yet. I am getting my 5th CT scan in the middle of April, my oncologist says that he doesn't plan to have any surprises (slow growing tumors are slow to shrink) but I can't help but worry a little none the less.
more beauty
So, I dedicate this day to ME!
I AM ALIVE!
I can smell the flowers and nuzzle my nose into my kitties soft furry little tummy, I can hear the birds singing outside and the wind making music with everything it touches. I can see the stars and moon as they give me strength to make it through tough times and shine on me as if I were the only person in the whole world. I have a GENEROUS, loving and incredibly selfless support system, YOU and you have helped me in so many ways that will never ever be forgotten or taken for granted. I have an amazing family who constantly give me strength even though they might not know it. I have the most wonderful parents in the world who both were so incredibly strong when I told them of my diagnosis. "Whatever, cancer-schmancer I know you are gonna kick its ass." is what they basically said, but I knew that deep inside they were terrified for me. I have the most amazing, wonderful, caring boyfriend in the entire world and I am thankful for him and his love every single day of my life. I still have enough energy to get out every chance possible and ski, climb, hike and enjoy my life to its fullest and to the best of my ability. I have TODAY, I have THIS MOMENT. I am content.
summit of silver peak with friends '09
Go enjoy your life! Tell those you love just how much you appreciate them and love them! Take time to enjoy the little things and above all be good to yourself and love yourself. You can't make anyone else happy until you are happy and you cannot truly love others until you learn to love yourself first. How you treat the world is reflected in how you treat yourself. Try to see the positive (even if it is only a tiny bit) in everything you do and everyone you meet.
Be kind. Leave nothing but love in your wake.
After today I am no longer titling my blog posts with how many days it has been since I have been diagnosed and survived this cancer. It is time to move on :)
I just wanted to let you know that I am working on a new blog post. I am currently going through every room of my house documenting the products I use in each room, so that I may be able to:
1. learn something new about my chosen products (are they "really" healthy etc)
2. share this knowledge with you so that you can have an easier time choosing healthy products that have been tried and tested without having to go through all the research etc.
So please be patient, there are many exciting changes coming and I am just trying to keep up with them all.
Everyone take precious care and I will be back soon.
It is almost here! Crystal Mountain's 3rd annual Hope on the Slopes event raising money for The American Cancer Society helping more people have more birthdays and cancerversaries! Raising money for reserach and a CURE!
I don't know if I have ever mentioned that I used to live at Crystal Mountain. From 1990-1996 and for another brief period of time when I graduated from undergrad in 2000-2001.
Here is how it all started.
I graduated from high school in Lacey WA in 1990. I had attended Timberline High until my senior year upon which time I attended the brand new NIGHT high school called New Century. Loved it! After graduation I attended The Evergreen State College for one quarter (loved school but just couldn't afford it and honestly, just wasn't ready either) and met some friends (Eddie and Andrew....big shout out to you two if you are reading this!) that had worked on Crystal the previous winter and from what they told me I KNEW I had to be there. I had learned to snowboard a couple of years prior and jumped at the chance to work at a resort! Waiting tables at the Crystal Inn was my very first job at the mountain and my very first time EVER waiting tables. I can still remember how sorry for me everyone felt on my first night at the Crystal Inn. (A side note: the Crystal Inn is no longer there, it was torn down years ago along with the pool.) I honestly told everyone of my tables that I was a "virgin" to the server profession and to please have patience. I walked out with over $100 on my first night of sympathy tips :) I got to snowboard every day if I wanted and the rent was cheap. It was great!
Then I worked at Rafters (now the Bullwheel) for a season. The biggest thing I can remember from that is that I had the most horrible nightmares about not being able to go to sleep until my tables left, but they all just sat there eating fries and drinking cocoa never ordering more but just taking up a table and keeping me at work (and usually leaving a 50 cent tip cause fries and cocoa were not much of a spendy bill). Not really....well the nightmares were real but so were the friendships. I can remember such great times up there with my mountain family. Next I got a gig at the Silver Skis running the front desk. That was my favorite! I became like a daughter to the Hartfords. Phyllis and I would have so much fun together! She taught me so much about life, running a business, public relations, and oh so much more! Phyllis, I love you! I hope I get to see you this weekend!
I loved being on the mountain! It really felt like home to me more than anywhere I have ever lived and I still to this day consider it home. Which is why what I am about to tell you next is so very important and special to me.
Anyone who has been on facebook lately (who is my friend and if you are not come and find me :) knows that THIS weekend is the American Cancer Society Hope on the Slopes event at Crystal Mountain ( it is also at Mt Hood, AND it is also my dad's b-day). So far everyone participating has raised nearly $50,000! Isn't that great!? It all goes to the American Cancer Society helping more people have more birthdays. Hearing the words "YOU HAVE CANCER" is something that will change your life forever, guaranteed. I never thought I would ever hear those words...I'm healthy, I'm young, I'm active, blah, blah, blah.....As I type I am sitting in the Chemo Suite at the Northwest Cancer Specialists and it is a busy day. Business is good, booming in fact. No bueno! Lets put these people out of business folks! Wont you join me at Crystal for some exercise and fun on Saturday March 12 from 9-4. If you can't ski or board there is still tons of fun to be had! There is a scavenger hunt, a snowshoe tour of the mountain, a BBQ and so much more! If you can't make it then you can still participate by making a donation HERE. Any little bit helps in a HUGE way.
This is my really personally important part.
I will be speaking at the event as the guest speaker/survivor of honor and I can't say how much I am honored to get to do this. Really. So here is even another reason to come :) I love to talk:) If my chemo brain allows me I will hopefully be putting on quite a show, I have so much to share! I wonder how long they will let me talk :) I hope that people will be listening. I don't know if I have ever spoken to a crowd of people larger than about 60 or so. I am not nervous at all, actually I am super excited! Speach? Nah...I am gonna wing it :) and say exactly what needs to be said :)
I am also attending an open house cocktail reception for The Center of Traditional Medicine tomorrow night. This place is so amazing! Highly recommend it for healing as well as for an event. It is so beautiful right on the Willamette, a green building (remodeled old Foundry really interesting) and a social gathering place. A lot of wonderful people will be there and I want to unveil my desire for a juice bar/wellness hub that either travels around or is stationary on Alberta. I want to provide education and support in various ways for cancer survivors (because we are all survivors) and for everyone and anyone who wants to be a wellness warrior. Of course this juice bar will be working in conjunction with local organic farms to supply the veggies and fruit for the juice and smoothies, local roasters for coffee and tea (you get the picture)...so now all I need to do is start making the connections. Something is telling me that the ball is sitting on top of the hill at the moment and at any second this weekend it is going to get a little push or maybe a big shove and I am standing on top of it and I will be in for a big ride and in a whirl of 4-8months hours becoming days, days becoming nights, days and nights becoming weeks, becoming months, seasons pass, all of the sudden its hot, I'm selling crafts made from my IV's and found items, making connections and taking to people about the good stuff (health and food and products) then BAM! There it will be "The Grassy Green" a gathering place for wellness. Who knows! Maybe I could even have a yoga studio or some rebounders at the very least. Way cool!
One last thing.
I had chemo today and I will be going in for my next scan in the first week of April (fingers crossed)!
My platelets were back up over 100 again which was very good, but my hemoglobin was under 10 and that means I am very anemic so they gave me a shot of something that helps fix it called Aranesp or something like that. It works and it also makes me feel energetic so that's good I suppose.
Ok, I have to try to get some sleep tonight. I just wanted to share with you all. I hope to see those of you who can make it up at the mountain on Saturday. Plus I just found all my old photos from the day and I want to try to scan some into my mac tonight :) so if you are a friend on facebook then you can check them all out.
You all take great care and have a wonderful weekend. I need some rest.
All the love, joy, hope, peace, love, and light to every single one of you out there!
YOU are the best support team anyone could ever ask for and I couldn't be doing any of this without you! You are loved and appreciated!
I couldn't fit all of the information on the ChipIn this time but it should say that it is for my naturopath expenses for the month of March.
THAT'S EXCITING!
Only 19 days until my 1 year Cancerversary (March 24).
VERY EXCITING!
Kris Carr & I at her book signing
I got to meet my mentor Kris Carr at her book signing for her new book Crazy Sexy Diet, Eat your veggies, ignite your spark and live like you mean it! You can pick up your copy at one of the last independent bookstores that is local here in PDX at Powells Books or at Amazon. It is such a great book and everyone would benefit from reading it, not kidding ( I wouldn't do that to you).
From just the few moments we had available to chat I could tell that Kris was completely down to earth and approachable as well as sincere and kind. It was so rejuvenating and re-inspriring to meet the person who, nearly a year ago, filled me with such hope and determination to kick some cancer ass. The Cancer Assassin was born out of the teachings and wisdom found in the pages of Kris Carr which is also the same wisdom available to anyone who cares to seek it. I would highly recommend that you do, for your own health and to stay cancer free or to manage cancer if you already have it and help eliminate it from your body. You can also find the link to her awesome blog and an Online Community of Wellness Warriors there too. They are all awesome resources and I use them nearly every day.
SUPER AWESOME I CAN'T WAIT EXCITING!
Cabo, I'm coming soon!
My mom and aunt and I are going on a 7 day vacation in Cabo San Lucas! WooooooHoooo! My uncle was generous enough to give us his air miles so we get to go for free! Thank you Uncle Casey and Aunt Annette! YOU ROCK!
I have only been out of the country one other time (I'm not counting all the times I've been to Canada) and that was back in 2005 or so and a friend of mine and I went to Nicaragua for 10 days. It was so much fun! and so cheap too! I remember how friendly all the natives were, how warm it was and how pretty it was. Yep, I can't wait for May.
YEEEEEHAWWWWW! EXCITING!
My dad's house at the top of the hill
My father has put his home in Tennessee on the market! 86 beautiful acres secluded in the middle of the woods in central Tennessee about 6 miles from Kentucky. Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! He has already had a couple come to look at it 3 times! But what is even cooler is that the people who are looking at it have been into herbs and curing cancer with herbs for over 30 years! Now tell me that this is not meant to be. Dad, I will see you in a few months when I'm accompanying you on the trip back to the Northwest :) Here is the listing. Check it out, better yet, BUY IT :)
Jeff and I after an awesome day on the slopes!
SUPER PSYCHED COMING UP SOON EXCITING!
Hope on the Slopes at Crystal Mountain is
happening on March 12, 2011 all day long. It is a ski benefit and all proceeds go to the American Cancer Society to help find a cure for cancer. As everyone knows Cancer Can Suck It! in my opinion. Those of us out there, like myself and so many others, who are living with cancer AND those who have yet to hear the words "You Have Cancer" depend so heavily upon the donations and support of their friends, family and complete strangers both financially, emotionally and often physically. Being a full time healing junkie is an extremely hard thing to do and every little bit helps and goes such a long way. You can click on Hope On the Slopes to make a donation to the American Cancer society and help Team Cancer Assassins race for a cure for cancer. You can even join our team "Team Cancer Assassins" or sign up individually to compete for awesome prizes and raise money for a good cause. Wont you join me? Lets take a run together :) Or just come on up and have some fun, you can even hear me speak at the event as the honorary guest speaker/survivor! Pretty cool huh?!
EXCITEMENT IN THE WORKS!
Knowing how important my community is to me and all of us I am calling on you, my community, to help me now. I have big ideas for The Cancer Assassin and with a little help from all of you our there in the world, my support group, fellow wellness warriors, and healing junkies, my wonderful circle of friends and family those friends and family I have yet to meet, I can make it happen!
I want to turn this into a wellness hub full of resources and research that I have done over the past year. I wan to help those people out there who have just been told "you have cancer" lighten their overwhelmingly heavy load. They already have enough on their mind just coming to terms with their diagnosis. I also want to help those who are not diagnosed with cancer keep from ever having to hear those fateful words. I want to make either thecancerassassin.com or this blog that place (or perhaps even another site who knows...) This is where I need your help. I need your questions...Do a little thinking and let me know what it is that you want to know about changing to a healthy, green lifestyle. Would you like to know what products I use? What my favorites are? Links to places that carry them or that show the chemicals in your beauty and home products . I want to build this around what people out there want to know and also tell them what they don't already know :)
The next thing I want to do is to sell these beautiful mobiles
Driftwood Mobile
at the Last Thursdays on Alberta Street. I make them myself :) out of driftwood, shells, beach glass and other trinkets. They are much prettier in real life than in this photo. I will try to get a better photo of one If you would like one, send me an email thecancerassassin@gmail.com. $25 gets one shipped right to your door! How can you beat that? I am coming up with more ideas all the time, so give me a little time and you might just find something pretty cool :)
I finished my business cards.
My business cards
What do you think? I am currently working on some flyers to hand out along with my cards during the last thursdays events and at the Hope on the Slopes event at Crystal Mountain On March 1, 2011. My hope and dream is that eventually I can raise enough money (selling the mobiles and finding investors) to open a much needed business here in Portland and in my neighborhood...drumroll please......a juice bar! I haven't decided if I would like to open a juice bar at a specific location on Alberta or if I would like to have one that travels around to places like the Cancer Center chemo room so I can make healthy, life giving green juice for those undergoing chemotherapy....or to the Center For Traditional Medicine where my naturopath is located to make fresh juices for the patients and staff there. Who knows what can happen :)
NOT SO EXCITING NEWS :( and other distractions
My old job at the city of Redmond, replacing a fire hydrant.
I can't sleep....It is once again 2:30 in the morning and I am up typing on this blog. 2:30 has been trying to tell me something it seems. I used to be such a morning person. I was always up by about 6 or 7am; and loving my quiet time to slowly unfurl out into the world at my own pace. I was usually the most productive in the mornings getting all kinds of stuff done and mental clarity, sheesh! The mornings were the time I could do some of my best thinkin'! I got so much schoolwork done. I used to start work at 7:30 in the morning when I worked for the City of Redmond (WA) and by the time most people were just getting to work the rest of the crew and I had already saved the city several times :)
I have done some research and found that I can save myself about $150 each month by purchasing most of my supplements online rather than at my naturopath. Here are all the supplements I take:
Many of these (such as Shark Liver Oil, Maxiflav, Curamed, Artemesenin, Liver Support, Cortisol Manager and Detox Formula) I have to purchase 3 bottles every month since I take so many, with refills on supplements my total cost for the month just for supplements (this doesn't include the nutritional IV's that I get once each week @ $120each) hover around $1200/mo! So my total-ish for a month at the naturopath is $1680! Yikes! No wonder the savings account is getting very empty very quickly. At this rate I will only be able to continue going to the naturopath for one more month. I am certain that something will work itself out (perhaps I should buy that lottery ticket) and I cannot afford to spend my precious energy on stressing about money. I will however set any of you up with the information you would need if perhaps you wanted to send a bottle of supplements my way in the mail :) I really, REALLY hate asking for support but I am putting this out there to the universe and seeing what comes of it :) I could not even begin to imagine how horrible I would be feeling if I was not going to the naturopath. Many of the things they have me doing is alleviating the side effects of the chemotherapy (low red/white blood cells, low platelets, low magnesium etc) and the rest of the stuff I do there is to directly affect the cancer cells, killing them. So it is vitally important that I continue to go to the Center For Traditional Medicine. I have also set up another ChipIn account at the bottom of this post in case anyone is feeling a little generous :) Just a little goes a LONG LONG way and is so very much appreciated!
MORE EXCITEMENT! Gotta end on a happy note, right? :)
So, I am in the process of a project and I am hoping that with a little input from you it will become big!
I want to change around The Cancer Assassin page a bit, it may be this blog or it may turn out to be the website The Cancer Assassin. Which ever it is I really want to hear from you. My plan is to make it a place where I can share everything I have researched in the past year about how to be an advocate for your own health and wellbeing as well a my favorite products list (room by room) and links to other sites and databases where one can go to assess the toxicity of your products or to find new products or to share recipes and stories or what-ever it is that makes us happy and healthy healing junkies. So, tell me what you want to hear, what to you want to know? Feel free to email your responses to thecancerassassin@gmail.com .
I am looking forward to hearing from you!
