DAY 365! HAPPY CANCERVERSARY TO ME!

Me loving life!

YAY!

One year ago I was in a world of hurt.  It is now 8:18am as I type and at this moment one year ago I was hearing the words "YOU HAVE CANCER".

My world completely stopped.  I looked at my doc who had a horrified look on her face.  She was the exact same age as me and had never had to deliver that information to anyone in her career yet. She almost could not even look at me she felt so bad, so then I looked to Jeff.  He was staring straight ahead, afraid to make eye contact with me as well.  It couldn't have been more than a few seconds but it felt like an eternity to me.  Breaking the silence and shock I said "OK, tell me EVERYTHING I need to know." I wanted to get started on fixing things right away.

Snow camping at White Pass

This did not mean I was not worried and scared and honestly I was angry and ashamed too.  "Why me?", "This is not fair!", "But I exercise and eat well..." (or so I thought)...I also felt ashamed...like my body betrayed me, like I had something ugly inside of me and I somehow deserved this certain death sentence that had been handed to me.


NOT ANY MORE! HELL NO!

It is exactly one year since my diagnosis.  I have changed my life in so many ways.  One year ago my priorities became crystal clear to me.  How many people can say that?  I KNOW now what is important in this life.  So, in a twisted and weird way, cancer was a blessing.

Since then I have been through 31 rounds of chemotherapy and at least 80-90 nutritional IV's, there is still no end in sight yet.  I am getting my 5th CT scan in the middle of April, my oncologist says that he doesn't plan to have any surprises (slow growing tumors are slow to shrink) but I can't help but worry a little none the less.

more beauty

So, I dedicate this day to ME!
I AM ALIVE!

I can smell the flowers and nuzzle my nose into my kitties soft furry little tummy, I can hear the birds singing outside and the wind making music with everything it touches.  I can see the stars and moon as they give me strength to make it through tough times and shine on me as if I were the only person in the whole world.  I have a GENEROUS, loving and incredibly selfless support system, YOU and you have helped me in so many ways that will never ever be forgotten or taken for granted.  I have an amazing family who constantly give me strength even though they might not know it.  I have the most wonderful parents in the world who both were so incredibly strong when I told them of my diagnosis. "Whatever, cancer-schmancer I know you are gonna kick its ass." is what they basically said, but I knew that deep inside they were terrified for me.  I have the most amazing, wonderful, caring boyfriend in the entire world and I am thankful for him and his love every single day of my life.  I still have enough energy to get out every chance possible and ski, climb, hike and enjoy my life to its fullest and to the best of my ability.  I have TODAY, I have THIS MOMENT.  I am content.

summit of silver peak with friends '09

Go enjoy your life! Tell those you love just how much you appreciate them and love them! Take time to enjoy the little things and above all be good to yourself and love yourself.  You can't make anyone else happy until you are happy and you cannot truly love others until you learn to love yourself first.  How you treat the world is reflected in how you treat yourself.   Try to see the positive (even if it is only a tiny bit) in everything you do and everyone you meet.

Be kind. Leave nothing but love in your wake.

After today I am no longer titling my blog posts with how many days it has been since I have been diagnosed and survived this cancer.  It is time to move on :)





Cancer Can Suck It!