Day 36

I just have to say that day 35, also known as yesterday, was a really tough day. It started off normally enough: wake up, pet the Pie, warm lemon water for my morning drink, fill out paperwork for school (they don't believe I haven't worked in 3 years), lots of research about the Mayo Clinic, The Kushi Institute, Naturopaths, other wellness retreats and classes. Ate some Ezekiel cereal with almond milk and agave suryp, looked at the time and this is where it all went down hill. It was already 11:30! Where in the hell did all of my morning go? What did I do for myself yet, NOTHING, that's what.

I drug my whiny ass into the bathroom and took a shower, got out, made a green juice and a wheatgrass shot then I needed to get the heck out of the house. Our dog, Clark (named after the Griswolds), was being a hyper spastic that morning. He has this new toy that his mom bought for him and it is a little green satan ball with feet that makes this horrible squeak when he bites it. And he bites it and bites it and bites it and bites it and bites it and bites it and it doesn't stop. He isn't content in the corner on his comfy bed chewing on the satan toy, he has to be in your face with it squeaking, squeaking, squeaking, squeaking in your ear the whole time (hours and hours). Ok, out of the house I go.....

Went to a place called FaceBodySoul to find some cream called Keeping Abreast of It! Supposed to be good for draining the lymph nodes and good for the breasts and breast health too. Not bad. Alas, they were out of the cream but I did find other great information there and after all, I can always order the cream online or stick it on the wishlist :)

Went to eat at a restaurant called the Blossoming Lotus. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! you should check out their site, awesome food and ABSOLUTELY AMAZING VEGAN/GLUTEN FREE/SOY FREE desserts that are utterly to die for. YUM!

I lost it in public and in the privacy of my own car about 4 times total yesterday. Then again a couple more times once I got home for the reasons I will explain next...

Remember those Tuesday meetings that my other oncologist at OHSU has to discuss new patients ( ahem, ME!) and if I am a candidate for a liver transplant or what the heck....well she called me yesterday just like she said she would. She is really nice, but then again I love my oncologist at the Northwest Cancer Specialists too, a lot. Anyway, back to the subject...to make a long story short I AM NOT A CANDIDATE FOR LIVER TRANSPLANT through OHSU. Too much cancer in my liver (seriously people my liver is literally covered in tumors) and in order for OHSU to give you a transplant your SINGLE tumor cannot be more than 3cm. WTF!?!?!?!?!

REALLY PEOPLE???? Why not just take a chunk of liver out instead, it grows back. Give the liver to the girl who needs it and might die without it. I lost it after this little bit of news. I was angry, sad, hopeless, but mostly angry. Angry at all of those people out there who drink their livers away, get cirrhosis and get a new liver because they intentionally destroyed theirs. Not fair! What this has proven to me more now than ever is just this.

I WILL NEED TO DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF. IT IS MY JOB TO HEAL MY OWN BODY.

Britt, remember all that talk about how in the world I was going to disrupt the doxa? Well I've figured it out :) THIS is how I will be disrupting the doxa. I will survive and thrive in spite of what everyone's prognosis is and regardless of if I can get a liver or not because I AM STRONG, I AM WORTH IT, I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM A SURVIVOR!!!

Right now I am sitting in the "Chemo Suite" at the Northwest Cancer Specialists in PDX. Makes it sound so fancy huh? Like there are tux clad waiters serving healthy raw/live snacks on silver trays asking you if you would like a shot of wheatgrass or a fresh green juice or antioxidant smoothie. Yeah, well it's not like that. It is filled with all ages, genders, and ethnicities all with smiling faces, all having conversations or reading novels or magazines. Some are on their laptops (like me) others are watching movies on portable DVD players. I brought the arsenal today, games, books, magazines, laptop, movies, iPod, iPhone, snacks, water, blanket and slippers. I will be here for about 6 hours today. I got here at 10:45am and probably wont get to leave until it is time for dinner. Good thing they have comfortable recliners, but I also have the overwhelming urge to urinate every 20 minutes due to all the fluids they put in prior to the chemo drugs. One of the drugs, cisplatin, is known for not being kind to the kidneys, hence all the fluids and therefore the overwhelming urge to pee....again....yeah, gotta go and oh yeah....

CANCER CAN SUCK IT! IM ZAPPING THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS RIGHT NOW!!!!