Day 20

I woke up in a strange mood this morning. I had nightmares for the last half of the night and every time I woke up and went back to sleep I kept on dreaming the same dream from where I had left off. Don't ya hate that when that happens? Now I am in kind of a crappy mood. I guess I could blame it on the cancer, after all one of the symptoms is mood swings, lucky Jeff. He has been giving me my space this morning, wonder why....

I am supposed to go for chemotherapy today. I hate ambiguity sometimes. As far as I know we still don't know where the primary source of my cancer is. We are still waiting on the DNA test from California. I have a feeling that today's visit will just be a meeting with the oncologist to discuss what we have found with all of the tests and blood work. We can't begin treatment (drug therapy) until we have established where the primary is. I am not even all that certain that I even want to do chemo anyway. I guess that I will be thinking it over while I am in Hawaii.

I also need to get on finding more doctors for 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinions. I am scheduled with a naturopath on Thursday who came highly recommended and treats patients (younger ones like me) who have liver cancer. I am excited to find out if what I have been eating is the right thing to eat.

I also told all of my classmates on Sunday's residency. What a wonderful bunch of lifelong friends I have made at Antioch. I love every one of my classmates and have such a valuable resource base within that community. Everyones energy that day was positive and I have never been hugged so much in my life. I loved every minute of it. I love hugs and touches. Thank you all for your support and energy, those will take me a long, long way.

Sometimes life without cancer is hard. Get enough sleep, enough exercise, eat right, find time and energy to cook, do homework, run errands, go grocery shopping, do laundry, clean house, look after diabetic cat who poops in various places around the house and then just when you think you might have a handle on all of that you get the news that now you have cancer and then you get to do all of what you were doing before plus more. Shopping for groceries now just became a 2 hour endeavor. Being somewhat creative in the kitchen for a meal that is not the same thing you ate for the last 7 days is even harder, especially when you have to research recipes, foods that you can eat, and still have the energy to prepare a meal out of it all. Then there is the NO INSURANCE part. This is the funnest one of all. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, meet this person, meet that person, fill out more paperwork. So much fun. Don't forget about the nearly daily doctors appointment of some variety or another. I have been trying to get to the gym for days now. We were going to go early this morning when they opened up at 7am, as you can tell that did not happen because I am sitting here posting on my blog instead. Perhaps we will go this afternoon, after an appointment and errands. We will just see.

Yeah, crappy mood. It did make me feel a bit better to get it out to the universe by typing like a mad woman on my computer keyboard. Hopefully my attitude will not last much longer. Maybe a hot shower is what I need to wash it all away.

I will keep you all posted on what the doc says today. I am psyched for Friday and Hawaii. I cant wait to get some vitamin D from somewhere other than the bottle of supplements.

Peace, love and light,

Laura